This week’s January 6 Committee meeting revealed the utter insanity gripping the Oval Office on December 18, 2020, as disgraced twice-impeached President Trump called his looney squad of toadies to battle his legal team in a Battle Royale. On Team Crazy was lawyer Sidney Powell and her client, former national security advisor Michael Flynn, and former Overstock CEO Patrick Byrne. Team Normal was White House lawyers Pat Cipollone and Eric Herschmann, with the chief of staff Mark Meadows looking on. Leading the proceedings was Big Daddy Donald Trump. Here is a partial transcript of the festivities leaked to The Lint Screen.
Attorneys Cipollone and Herschmann walk into the Oval Office and see DJT behind the desk facing Powell, Flynn, and Byrne. Meadows stands with his back to the wall, looking afraid, mopping sweat on his forehead and wringing the handkerchief into a nearby bucket.
DJT: Come in, guys, have a seat. We were just talking about how Biden cheated me in the election.
PC: (LOOKING AT BYRNE) Who the hell are you?
PB: I’m Patrick Byrne from Overstock dot com. I can get you good deals on tube socks or tins of paprika a few years past their expiration dates.
PC: Good to know. (LOOKING AT MEADOWS) Hey, Mark, didn’t you pay Orkin this month? We’ve got pests and vermin in here. Hell, I even saw Rudy down the hall.
DJT: Don’t insult true patriots, Cipollone. These people care more about me than you guys do. We’re making plans for keeping me in office. They’re protecting me. Making me feel good.
PC: (ROLLING HIS EYES) Not again. Are they telling you that Biden cheated?
DJT: He did. Everyone says so. I won in a landslide––everyone knows that.
SP: The President is right. I don’t know why you lawyers with your fancy law degrees have to be so––
EH: Did you even go to a law school, Sidney?
SP: Yes, Mr. Smarty Pants––ACME Academy of Law. It’s a correspondence school in Guam and––
PC: Wow. What matchbook cover did you find that place on?
PB: Hey, I can get you a good deal on matchbooks. 6,000 packs for only––
EH: Shut up, Overstock guy.
PB: We also have incredible deals on My Pillows!
PC: Can we get this idiot out of here?
DJT: Enough of your bullying, you two. Sidney and Michael have been giving me some fantastic ideas. Go on, General, tell them your plan.
MF: We declare Marshall Law and order the army to confiscate all the voting machines. We destroy all the ballots and the machines. Then we declare President Trump our King Supreme for All Time.
DJT: (EXCITED) Tell them what happens to anyone who disagrees.
MF: We execute them. Firing squads.
DJT: (SMILING) Isn’t that terrific?! I love that.
PC: Are you guys crazy? You can’t do that. It’s illegal.
SP: Maybe it’s illegal now, but we’ll change the law and––
EH: Sidney, you and Rudy keep saying Biden cheated. Where’s your proof?
DJT: Go ahead, Sidney, tell them.
SP: We have lots of proof.
DJT: See? Evidence like you wouldn’t believe.
MF: Martians used a special ray that programmed people to vote for Biden.
SP: We have over ten million ballots illegally cast by lizards and turtles dressed like humans.
MF: And they switched every Trump vote to a Biden vote. It was done by software implanted in boxes of Italian pasta.
DJT: Incredible. They even rigged the macaroni.
EH: (SHAKING HIS HEAD IN DISBELIEF) Do you have any solid evidence? Something admissible in a court of law.
DJT: Everyone knows it’s all true, Eric. Besides, we don’t need evidence. I’m appointing Sidney as special counsel to investigate all election fraud.
SP: And there’s a lot of it. I see it everywhere.
PC: Mr. President, don’t do that. You’re inviting trouble if you have Sidney looking into these crazy conspiracies.
DJT: Trouble? What trouble? Didn’t you hear–– I’m going to be Supreme King for All Time.
PC: Mark, could you help us out here. This is getting out of control.
MM: I don’t know, Pat. I think these are some excellent ideas. And I’m going to get a pardon––the President said so!
PC: This is absolute insanity––
EH: I’ve had enough of this shit. Who wants to fight me? You, Sid? Flynn? How ’bout you Mr. Overstock–let’s go a couple of rounds.
DJT: Stop it, Eric. You’re way out of bounds here. You legal beagle guys lost. We won. (HE TURNS TO MEADOWS) Mark, call someone to start making my gold crown. With lots and lots of jewels.
SP: And diamonds!
DJT: Good idea, Sidney. And diamonds. Lots of shiny diamonds. Oh, and, Mark, call Hannity and Tucker, too––I want my crowning ceremony broadcast live on Fox News. Have Mike Lindell and My Pillow buy all the ad time. Oh, and I want to dance with Ivanka. A slow dance. Very slow. Umm. (TRUMP’S EYES CLOSE AS HE SMILES.)
PC: (TURNING TO HERSCHMANN) We’re screwed.
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