When it comes to protecting American democracy, President Trump delivers!

Today, the prez told The Lint Screen he is “worried sick about a horrible threat to democracy.”

Trump believes there is an army of “very evil people” dressed in blue attacking our country daily.

“They call themselves postal employees,” Trump says, crossing his arms. “I call them treasonous traitors.”

The president’s beef comes from Democrats wanting to fund the U.S. postal system to handle ballots for the upcoming presidential election.

“This is a complete disaster,” Trump says as sweat beads on his forehead. “If we allow that to happen, it will rig the election, and we have the danger of Sleepy Joe and Crazy Kamala sneaking into the White House. The next thing you know, they’d abolish all police and put minorities in the suburbs destroying housing prices. Corey Booker, who is a very angry black man, will make sure the suburbs become crime infested sewers. I’m working to protect suburban housewives. I love women. Ask Ivanka. Don’t ask Melania, ask Ivanka.”

The president pulls a monogrammed silk handkerchief from his suit pocket and begins mopping his slick brow.

“If we don’t shut down these postal service traitors, I could lose the election,” the fat sweaty man says. “And no one wants that to happen.” Trump wipes his wet brow again.

“These postal people also deliver bills,” Trump says as he wrings his handkerchief into a bucket with the presidential seal. “That’s very nasty. Bills are very bad. I never pay bills.”

Chief of Staff Mark Meadows enters with a large feather fan and begins waving it by the prez, creating a cool breeze. Jared Kushner and Stephen Miller enter the Oval Office and flank the commander-in-chief. They peel grapes and pop them into Trump’s pie hole.

“You’ve done an excellent job with COVID-19,” Meadows tells the president.

“You’re the best president ever,” says Jared. “Much better than Lincoln.”

Trump smiles, as content as a cat by the stove on a cold winter evening.

All is normal in Washington, D.C. Sleep tight, America, democracy is safe with President Trump at the helm.

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