President Trump loves America, and he is disappointed medical science has failed its citizens.
“All these so-called experts are big phonies,” Trump told The Lint Screen. “I listened to Dr. Fauci and all his stupid eggheads. And what happened? Now we have over 100,000 Americans dead. Well, that’s on them, not me. Obama, too. I accept no responsibility for their mistakes.”
The president has decided to take a new tack in the war on “the pandemic hoax”–– to rely on what has performed miracles in the past–– himself!
“I have been an incredibly successful businessman,” he crowed. “All my life, I’ve had the Midas touch. I’m worth over $140 billion. I had the best ratings in TV history on The Apprentice. No one has ever seen the kind of numbers I got. Viewers loved me.”
And he rode his juggernaut of fame all the way into 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.
“No one thought I could win the presidency, but I had over 94% of the popular vote, and I got 1,000 electoral college votes.” He beams with pride. “No one’s ever seen such a huge landslide. No wonder I had the largest inauguration crowd ever. It made Obama’s look like a Tupperware party.”
His eyes glaze as the portly president fondly recalls his past accomplishments, then, he snaps to attention.
“And how did I do all those amazing things?” he asks. “I’ll tell you. My brain and gut. And that’s what I’m going to use to keep Americans healthy.”
He announced he will ignore all medical science. “We tried that, and it was a disaster. Horrible. From now on, I’m going to use my massive brain and great gut instinct.”
Mike Pence nods his head in agreement.
“Great idea, boss–– I mean, your excellency,” the veep chirps, as he drops to his knees and begins tongue lashing Trump’s wingtips.
“Not now, Mike.” Trump gives Pence a hard kick in his skull. The milquetoast man yelps as he scampers out the door. Trump continues.
“I want all Americans to know I am going to fight for them,” Trump says. “I’ve talked to Franklin Graham, Mike Huckabee, and a lot of the other Jesus kook Bible thumpers, and they’re going to say a bunch of prayers for the pandemic to go away. And I’m confident it will. The coronavirus will miraculously disappear, just like I predicted.”
Trump pumps his chest out as his belly oozes over his belt.
“My brains and gut,” the morbidly obese man says as he points to his head and stomach. “That’s what’s going to save America.”
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32 responses to “Trump Fires Medical Science, Will Rely On “My Brain And Gut To Keep Americans Healthy””
[…] my country. I was protecting Americans from him. The man is not fit for the office. Look at how he’s botched the pandemic. Obama left him a pandemic plan for Chrissakes, and he threw it in the trash. He said, […]
[…] one knew this pandemic was coming,” Trump said. “I’ve done a tremendous job with the coronavirus. Without me shutting down flights from China, experts estimate 300 million Americans would be dead. […]
[…] still don’t know the full impact of COVID-19,” Navarro said. “We could find out that it does amazing things to make people stronger. […]
[…] “We screwed up,” Redfield confessed. “Our people spent countless hours and hundreds of millions of dollars doing research. And they let science make their recommendations in the interest of health. But science isn’t exactly the real world, is it? Sometimes a stable genius knows better what’s good for the kids. After all, President Trump is very successful in the real estate business and had an incredibly popular TV show. He has a very big brain.“ […]
[…] is a fraud,” the first daughter told The Lint Screen. “Instead of trying to help the president help Americans, Fauci is sabotaging everything and trying to make my father look […]
[…] all the important countries, rooting for his victory,” Pompeo beamed. “And with the terrific job he’s done on the pandemic, race relations, the booming economy, and vibrant employment, the […]
[…] And I’ll bet you dollars to donuts Donald Trump will do a bang-up job as our spokesman. Everyone trusts him; he’s the president for crying out loud. Frankly, he damn well better do a great job for the […]
[…] “The science crowd would have you believe the world is much, much older than 6,000 years,” she says. “Billions of years, according to science. Balderdash! That’s just patently false. Go and grab your Bible, then do the math of the generations from Genesis. All those begats add up to about 6,000 years. The numbers don’t lie. Now, I don’t know about you, but I’ll put my faith in math over science–– and God over all else!” […]
[…] “President Trump is The Chosen One. God put him here to deliver unto us salvation. He recited five random words in order, many times. It was a miracle–– no one has ever seen mental dexterity like that. The president simply wants the respect and adulation he deserves,” Barr said. “He has cleaned up the swamp, solved race relations, and stood strong against insurgents like Bob Mueller and his witch hunt, Nancy Pelosi, and Chuck Schumer. The president has also freed patriots like Sheriff Joe Aparo, Roger Stone, General Michael Flynn, Paul Mannafort, and many others. These are good people and great Americans.” […]
[…] able to pitch for the Yankees,” Trump says. “I have a country to run. I’ve got to help people battle the China virus and the Portland anarchists. It’s too bad. Because I look pretty sexy in Yankees pinstripes. […]
[…] DeJoy had no experience with the United States Postal Service before President Trump named him Postmaster General in May, but you’d never know it by his decisive […]
[…] suggestion, old chap,” agrees Howell Marstetter, Jr. “And Trump’s first order of business should be sending that evil little Anthony Fauci to the gallows for staring this COVID-19 […]
[…] “You’ve done an excellent job with COVID-19,” Meadows tells the president. […]
[…] Lindell smiles and winks at his good friend, the leader of the free world. […]
[…] save America. I have lots of great things planned for my second term. Big things. Very good things. There won’t be a pandemic, taxes, or unemployment. But there will be a great Trump economy. I’m going to fix the […]
[…] scoffs at the notion Trump did not use the Defense Production Act to its fullest in the fight against COVID-19 earlier this […]
[…] “He protect Americans,” Putin says as a white cat jumps on his lap and he pets it. “Pandemic hoax. Will disappear. Trump fights evil science. Masks bad. Distance to others bad. Fast vaccine good. No need for testing vaccine. Too much science. Waste time. No climate change. Science hoax.” […]
[…] ungrateful bastards don’t appreciate all I’ve done to make America great again,” the prez […]
[…] guys like Fauci and all the science brainiac types think they know everything, but I’ve proved them wrong all the time with my hunches and gut instinct. Look at my terrific response to the pandemic. They predicted a hundred and eighty […]
[…] he sobbed. “And the only demonstration of American exceptionalism shown by Trump is his being an exceptional horse’s ass and bully. The man is out of his […]
[…] a pandemic out there,” Abbott says. “I don’t want to expose Texans to the potential dangers of COVID-19. There’s been a lot of fighting about the legitimacy of voting by mail and the risks of […]
[…] “I want to spread COVID,” the prez says in short breaths. “And make people immune.” He doubles over again. […]
[…] his part, Trump is tired of “science” and “idiots” like […]
[…] Almighty Leader Who Owns My Father–– Dad asked me to write to you and request you release the deadly pandemic you have been developing with Dr. Anthony Fauci. The old man wants you to release the virus to try […]
[…] runt is a joke,” Trump told The Lint Screen. “He’s a traitor. Mr. Medical Science is always talking his doomsday crap and scaring people. I’ve had enough. We’re turning […]
[…] that’s not all,” Rudy said with eyes bugging. “There is no pandemic! It’s a big hoax. And even if there actually is one, it’s going to disappear […]
[…] all over America in the middle of the night and steamed open election ballots. If they saw it was a vote for Donald J. Trump, they fed the ballots into paper shredders. They destroyed over 50 million ballots for Dad! […]
[…] there’s an alternate reality. And let me tell you, that world is a hellscape–– one with a deadly pandemic raging, a completely wrecked economy, small businesses going under, and tens of millions of innocent […]
[…] Americans to wear masks as a sign of solidarity to being sheep. And even if there was a pandemic, the president’s decisive leadership saved tens of millions of lives. Of course, the liberal press won’t report those alternative […]
[…] “Oh, we did awful good,” Bucky Philips of Troy, Michigan tells The Lint Screen. “I think we made the president proud of his proud boys. He’s the law and order president and we brought law and order into the Capitol. We can’t allow Biden to get into office and cause anarchy. He’ll wreck the economy and won’t do a good job controlling the COVID like President Trump.“ […]
[…] want all Americans to get COVID,” he said. “You don’t have to fear it, people. Getting COVID-19 is good for you. Just get choppered to Walter Reed, have all the docs do their thing, take the happy drugs, and […]
[…] “The Democrats love saying January 6 was dangerous to democracy. But was it really? Or was it a group of upset patriots trying to right the wrong of a stolen election won fair and square by President Donald J. Trump? He is the one man in the country who is working night and day to Make America Great Again. It says so on Trump hats, so you know it’s true. And can anyone possibly dispute God sent Trump to save us? Praise be Donald J. Trump.” […]