President Donald Trump is enacting the Defense Production Act to manufacture American flags for his re-election campaign.
“This is an absolute emergency,” said Kellyanne Conway, counselor to the president. “There is a terrible shortage of American flags, I suspect Joe Biden is burning them, or the Democrat-run cities are ripping them into strips and using them for making Molotov Cocktails. President Trump needs more flags. He loves appearing with as many American flags as possible.”
Conway scoffs at the notion Trump did not use the Defense Production Act to its fullest in the fight against COVID-19 earlier this year.
“That was a public health crisis. Big deal. It’s a hoax. And if it is real, we all know the pandemic is going to disappear magically.” Conway made jazz hands and mouthed, poof.
“But now we have an urgent need for millions more Old Glories. They will help symbolize how much our president loves this country. It’s like when he appeared at Mount Rushmore and the Lincoln Monument. These powerful patriotic images diffuse the notion he is a weak, feckless puppet of Vladimir Putin who wouldn’t even stand up to the Russian despot for putting bounties on American troops. So what? He’s not in the army. He has bone spurs. Besides, he and Putin are big buddies. World leader pals. They talk every morning.”
The president’s counselor is soon leaving her role to spend more time with her family.
“My daughter really digs me. She wants to hang with me and do chick stuff. That’s cool. I told the president I’m always a phone call away if he ever needs me. And he said he might. He may use the Defense Production Act to produce millions of new Bibles, and he’ll want me to help spin it. Those Good Books make nice campaign props. Remember LaFayette Square? Him holding a Bible shows America that President Trump loves Jeeves Christ and all that other Christian crap.”
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