McConnell Vows to “Open A Can Of Whoop-Ass” On Obama


“Merciless Mitch” is pumped and ready to beat some butt.

Sen. Mitch McConnell is known for being one chill dude (“don’t bogart that blunt, bitch” is his common refrain in Senate chambers), but former President Barack Obama has got his dander up.

“That black guy needs to learn to learn how to shut his pie hole,” McConnell told The Lint Screen. “Or somebody’s going to shut it for him. Namely, this bad hombre.”

The leader of the senate is furious because the ex-prez recently slammed his main man, President Donald J. Trump. Obama claimed Trump mishandled the coronavirus pandemic.

“The president has done an amazing job,” McConnell crowed. “The U.S. is number one in the world for testing. Anyone who wants a test can get a test. Even if you don’t want a test, we’re going to give you one, just because we have so many damn tests! And we didn’t get healthcare workers PPE; we got them something much better–– The Blue Angels flying overhead in honor of them!”

McConnell thrusts a victory fist in the air as his old man arm flab flaps in the wind.

“Thanks to President Trump, we have had very few coronavirus cases and deaths–– almost none. He’s made it possible for us to safely open the country up and get the lazy serfs back where they belong–– working! And they better not start bellyaching for more money or healthcare. Shut up, peons, eat your gruel and get back to work! Don’t make me crack the whip.”

McConnell spits on the ground, gets winded and doubles over, then catches his breath.

“Obama had better watch himself,” Merciless Mitch says as he cracks his knuckles. “I’ve been deadlifting heavy sacks of cash from lobbyists for years. I am one ripped mofo. And if Obama keeps serving his loudmouth soup, I swear I’m going open a can of whoop-ass on his black ass.”

McConnell pops a muscle and collapses on the ground.

“I mean it,” he shouts.

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6 responses to “McConnell Vows to “Open A Can Of Whoop-Ass” On Obama”

  1. […] “Obama was the worst president ever,” Trump claimed with his arms crossed. “And what he did to me should never happen again. It was awful. He had squirrels spying me. I saw them in the Oval Office window, squirrels with big bushy tails–– they were obviously transmitters. They’d chase me all the time, trying to hear what I was saying. Reading my lips, reading my mind. Stealing my secrets. These snooping squirrels were trained by the deep state. Those people out to get me. The deep state is a bunch of bad people. Very bad people.” […]

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