In a startling development, The Lint Screen was able to corner the tall guy always standing behind Republican Sen. Mitch McConnell when he addresses the press.

The skinny guy is South Dakota Sen. John Thune, representing a handful of people in the desolate land of Mt. Rushmore, wielding the same power as every other Senator. And amazingly, we discovered he could talk! He’s not just a suit mannequin on loan from Macy’s.

We asked Sen. Thune why any citizen can buy AR-15s.

“The AR-15 is necessary for a citizen’s protection,” Thune claims. “My constituents use it for hunting prairie dogs, critters, and pests of all kinds. The flying insects in South Dakota are thick as thieves and bothersome as all get out.”

Thune flails his arms in the air as if he is swatting insects. It is quite a convincing performance. The man is “in character.” The Senator freezes his action and bows. He continues his comments. 

“And let me tell you, if you think you’re going to protect yourself with a can of Raid or a plastic fly swatter, well, you’ve got another thing coming. An AR-15 is a godsend when it comes to hunting skeeters and flies. You can lay down a spray of bullets that let them know you mean business.”

Thune scoffs at those who want any legislation restricting AR-15s.

“I don’t understand all the rigamarole about mass shootings,” he says. “You’re more likely to die in a car wreck than a mass shooting. So, should we outlaw cars? The Republican Party believes the whole debate is ludicrous. If you’re worried, arm the teachers, for Pete’s sake!”

The sanctimonious politician believes our forefathers would be appalled at the behavior of some Americans today.

“The men who wrote the second amendment knew what they were doing,” Thune proclaims. “And they wanted us to have AR-15s and whatever other arms we can get our hands on. You don’t know when the red coats will be coming again, and I say better safe than sorry.”

Thune said the solution to “the so-called gun issue in America” is simple. “It’s like the NRA’s Wayne LaPierre says––we just need more good guys with guns. That’s the only thing that makes sense. Let’s lift this stupid age restriction of being 18 to get an AR-15. There are lots of good young guys. Let’s get them some AR-15s!”

He then skedaddles into his office and closes the door.

Problem solved.

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. Also available in audiobook. Click here for a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.