Following the tragic elementary school massacre in Uvalde, Texas, yesterday, the Republican Party has finally decided enough is enough.

“We’ve got to take some decisive action,” Texas Gov. Greg Abbott told The Lint Screen. “I’ve always said the only thing that will stop a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun. And yesterday, even though Robb Elementary School did have a good guy with a gun, unfortunately, the bad guy won. The only solution to this problem is a good guy with a bigger gun.”

Texas Sen. Ted Cruz agrees.

“I think the only common sense thing to do is arm the teachers with bazookas,” the pudgy, bearded spineless man declares. “That way, it won’t matter if the school shooter wears kevlar. A bazooka shell will blow that kid to smithereens.”

Abbott believes teachers will welcome the new responsibility.

“We’ve already told teachers the version of American history we want them to teach,” the gun-lovin’ guv says. “And we’re going to tell ’em what books to ban. Now we’re telling them they got to protect their kids with bazookas. I’m sure the teachers are going to love having that added responsibility. And I encourage all Texans to arm themselves to the teeth. We need to beat California for the state with the most guns. The NRA and gun manufacturers will give us a nice bonus if we do!”

Sen. Minority Leader Mitch McConnell is a fan of the bazooka plan, but he also wants to maintain the solid plan he’s proposed for decades.

“I think it is important people don’t forget the GOP’s first line of defense in any mass shooting,” the pelican man says. “And that is thoughts and prayers. We need the American people to think and pray harder. Then we can rely on God to end school shootings.”

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