The Lint Screen, Satire/Humor/Etc.

Blog

  • MTG To Star on Broadway in “Don’t Cry For Me MAGA Man”

    Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene to star in upcoming production.

    Attendees to last week’s CPAC in Dallas got a preview of what’s sure to be the hottest ticket on Broadway this fall––Don’t Cry For Me MAGA Man.

    One of the biggest attractions at CPAC was a prison cell constructed with a sobbing MAGA man inside. The prisoner represents MAGA patriots unjustly imprisoned for their treasonous act of trying to overturn a free and fair election. On Friday, Stop the Steal activist Brandon Straka played the weeping prisoner, visited by a comforting angel, batshit crazy Georgia Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene.

    “My goodness gracious, it was magical,” Katie Winnifort of Hot Springs, Arkansas, tells The Lint Screen. “When I saw Marjorie Taylor Greene enter the cell and kneel before that poor sobbing man, I swear I got a lump in my throat the size of a goiter. A really big goiter. That woman has such incredible star power you couldn’t look away. She’s magnetic!”

    “I’ve never seen anything like it,” Buddy Hoswell of Dublin, Ohio, agrees. “Marjorie gave comfort to that poor sad man––and it was like Jesus handing out loaves and fishes to folks hungry for a fish sandwich. We watched them in the prison cell, and I don’t think there was a dry eye in the house. So naturally, we all started praying. We said a prayer for President Trump, too. That poor man got cheated out of the election.“

    Famed Broadway producer Scott Rudin, the man behind many of the Great White Way’s biggest shows (To Kill A Mockingbird, The Book of Mormon, Hello, Dolly!), immediately saw the potential of the CPAC show.

    “I’ve been looking for a way to bring MAGA to Broadway,” Rudin says. “And this scene just captured my imagination. I approached Marjorie with the idea, and she loved it. She’s been looking for a vehicle to expand her appeal and said she can do more good in Times Square than in Congress.”

    Rudin has hired 100 monkeys to bang away at keyboards and develop a script for his upcoming “Don’t Cry For Me MAGA Man” production.

    “It doesn’t matter what the show’s book is,” Rudin says. “People are going to pack the house to see MTG live! I’ve wanted to do a MAGA-themed production for a long time, and Marjorie, as the guardian angel to MAGA crybabies, is money. We’re negotiating for cameos with Ted Cruz, Lindsey Graham, and Jim Jordan. With any luck, maybe we can even get Trump too! I’m also considering doing a Hang Mike Pence show. We’re talking with his people.”

    We can’t wait.

    ————————————————————————

    Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. Also available in audiobook. Click here for a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

  • GOP Candidate Runs Against “Freedoms And People I Don’t Like”

    Ernie Johnson may be the perfect template for a Republican candidate.

    Dry Cleaner Ernie Johnson wants to be the mayor of Mesa, Arizona, and the GOP candidate has a platform he thinks can’t miss.


    “Trump should be president right now,” Ernie tells The Lint Screen, poking his finger in this reporter’s chest. “Joe Biden cheated him out of the election by counting all these ballots that came from God knows where––Ukrania, Socialistland, big cities with lots of blacks and minorities? Wherever these fake votes came from, they shouldn’t have been counted. No wonder those patriots stormed The Capitol on January 6. Trump should be president––for life! God sent him to save us.“


    Johnson says the problem with America is too much freedom and too many liberties.


    “Our founding fathers wrote lots of stuff,” Ernie explains. “But they didn’t mean a bunch of it. Freedoms are only for certain people. We know who we are. You can’t just be giving out freedoms and liberties willy-nilly. That’s what leads to trouble. And when I’m elected, I’m going to put my foot down. I’ll decide who can do what. Me, because I’m mayor! And if I don’t like someone, they will be spending some time in jail until they learn who’s the boss. That’s democracy, people––get used to it or go back to wherever you came from!”


    The irate dry cleaner gets red-faced as he continues his rant, spittle flying in this reporter’s face.


    “And if I lose the election for mayor,” he says, poking his finger repeatedly into this reporter’s chest, “then the election was rigged. And if I win, the election was rigged because I should have won in a landslide. Like Trump did. The other candidate didn’t get any votes. Once I get in office, I will do away with elections. We have too many of the wrong people voting, and I won’t stand for it.”


    This reporter doubles over, his chest aching, panting for breath.


    “And another thing,” Ernie rants. “I’m going to pass a law requiring everyone to dry clean their clothes. Dry clean only––at Johnson’s Clean-A-Torium. Using a washing machine is a freedom we can’t have in Mesa.”


    Johnson gives a smile. “I’ve got the support of the party. And I know I’m going to win by gum.”

    ————————————————————————

    Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. Also available in audiobook. Click here for a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

  • “Jesus Christ Had It Easy Compared To Me,” Sayeth Trump

    “Jesus Christ Had It Easy Compared To Me,” Sayeth Trump

    Disgraced loser ex-prez whines to his adoring flock in Washington

    Disgraced twice-impeached ex-President Donald J. Trump left Washington, DC a loser in January 2021, and he returned yesterday––still a loser.

    He spoke yesterday to the right-wing kook collection called America First Policy Institute, and an embittered Trump aired his grievances for 90 minutes. His audience became sexually aroused at the prospect of his possible announcement of a run for president in 2024 and the possible end of democracy. Here are some excerpts from Trump’s bellyaching, bitching speech:

    “No one in history has ever been more brutalized than I have. Jesus Christ had it easy compared to me. They only nailed him to the cross once, but the liberal media does it to me every day. They are not nice. Very unfair, unkind people. It’s awful how they treat me. It’s much worse than how the Romans treated Jesus Christ. He was trying to save the world, and so am I.”

    “I won the 2020 election in a landslide. Everyone knows that. There were hundreds of thousands of fake ballots––maybe even millions, millions of fake ballots––that pizza delivery people and chimps dressed like cowboys riding dogs dumped the ballots at polling places after hours. It’s criminal what happened. The evil Democrats stuffed the ballot boxes, and Biden stole the election. But I didn’t complain. Never complained. I’m not a complainer. I wanted to heal the country.”

    “True patriots came to my defense on January 6. The unselect committee says I egged them on into rioting. That’s a big lie. I wasn’t even in Washington on January 6. The patriots stormed the Capitol in protest because they didn’t like what was happening in America––we can’t allow pizza delivery guys and cowboy chimps to steal our elections. It’s not good, and they were having a peaceful civil protest.”

    “They say I watched the January 6 Capitol attack on TV. That’s a load of BS. I don’t watch TV. I never watch TV. I read books. Big, thick, beautiful books. Books with many words. Big words. I know them all. I love the words.”

    “Look what’s happened since Biden unfairly got in office. Suddenly, there is a pandemic. That never happened when Trump was president. Crime has never been worse. It’s under your bed, in the closet, in the car, and everywhere outside. There was no crime under Trump. Biden also crashed the economy. We’re in a depression, a depression much greater than the Great Depression. Trump made the strongest economy ever. And look at immigration. Immigration is horrible. The evil Democrats want to ruin America. Trump built the wall––a huge, beautiful wall that kept us safe from outsiders, murderers, and rapists. Life was never better than with Trump. But they cheated him out of his second term.”

    “Biden wants to take our guns. Our beautiful Glocks and AR-15s––so necessary for daily life. How are our children supposed to protect themselves at school? How will grandma and grandpa defend themselves at family reunions? How will you protect yourself at the Yankee Candle store in the mall?”

    “It’s not right what they’re doing to me. I am the chosen one, and no one has suffered more than me. I am a martyr, a saint. Everyone says so.”

    So it went until ears bled.

    ————————————————————————

    Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. Also available in audiobook. Click here for a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

  • Hawley Says He Was “Exercising” During Capitol Coup Attempt

    Hawley Says He Was “Exercising” During Capitol Coup Attempt

    Sen. Hawley claims he loves “working out at work.”

    Anyone who knows Missouri Sen. Josh Hawley will tell you that he is a turd on two legs, and Hawley proved that beyond a shadow of a doubt on January 6th, 2020.

    Hawley, who in the morning marched to the Capitol bravely, thrusting his fist in the air to signal solidarity to the angry pack of delusional Trump supporters, was seen running for his life hours later when the same mob stormed the Capitol Building.

    “The liberal media is doing a big hit job on me,” Hawley tells The Lint Screen. “They are trying to paint me as a coward for running like a frightened child when the patriots came to stop the steal. Well, as we say in Missouri, or is it Missoura?––that’s a load of hooey. Or do we say hogwash? Whatever we say in our state, that’s not true. By golly gumdrops, I’m the guy who is concerned about the masculinity of men these days. I’m a man’s man––a very brave fellow.”

    Hawley stands straight and models his tight blue suit in The Lint Screen’s luxurious offices, offering coffee for only $1.25 a cup.

    “Do you think a ripped bod like mine happens by accident?” he asks, pivoting and casting a seductive pout over his left shoulder. “As we see in the ‘Show-me’… or is it “Show-us?” state. Heck, no!” He clears his throat. “By golly.”

    Hawley walks to the conference room table, plops down, and props his long legs on the tabletop. 

    “January 6th was a tense day,” he says. “All the Senators around me were uptight about the patriots coming to save America and keep Donald Trump in office. Jiminy June bug, I was a little tense myself, so I decided to go for a run to relax. And that’s when the video cameras caught–– me, exercising.” He chuckles. “And now the liberal media is trying to make maintaining good physical condition like a big news story. I wasn’t running out of fear. I was working out at work.”

    Hawley rises from the table.

    “I hope you guys will print the true story,” he says. That Josh Hawley stood up. “The story that the courageous Josh Hawley stood up to the stolen election, and he has a smokin’ bod that doesn’t quit.”

    The cowardly piece of shit struts out of the offices, casually flipping two middle fingers into the air.

    We think we know what that means in Missouri. Or Missoura.

    ————————————————————————

    Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. Also available in audiobook. Click here for a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

  • Secret Service Blames “Confusing Technology” For Accidentally Erasing Texts

    Secret Service Blames “Confusing Technology” For Accidentally Erasing Texts

    The Secret Service accepts no blames for missing texts on January 5, and 6, 2021.

    Jim Fletcherson has been working for The Secret Service since 1998. “I’ve seen a lot of changes in that time,” he tells The Lint Screen, chuckling. “Different presidents, Y2K, the worldwide web, smartphones, and smart TVs. But to tell the truth, I’ve never been too good with technology.”

    Fletcherson shakes his head. “Now, all of a sudden, I have people bugging me about January 5th and 6th, 2021 texts and communication. Cripes, how am I supposed to know? That was a long time ago.” This reporter reminds him the Department of Homeland Security ordered the Secret Service to preserve records from those days, and he cocks his head in confusion.

    “Why? What’s so special about those days? I don’t get.” This reporter tells the perplexed security professional that on January 6, there was a coup attempt to overturn a free and fair election by enraged supporters of disgraced twice-impeached President Donald J. Trump. “Really?” he asks. “Oh, yeah. That little thing at The Capitol. I think I remember something about that.”

    When asked what happened to the communication records on those critical days, Fletcherson shrugs. “I guess they accidentally got erased,” he says. “Oops!” He smiles. “Frankly, all the confusing technology gives me a headache. Hell, I can’t operate my TV remote or alarm clock, and somehow, they expect me and the entire Secret Service department to back up our phones and devices? What are we, a bunch of brainiacs? Our job’s to protect the president, not program computers and stuff.”

    The Senior Agent accepts no responsibility for the missing records.

    “I don’t get what the big hub-bub’s about anyway,” he says. “President Trump said nothing happened on January 6th. It was just a few patriots trying to stop the steal. Why can’t all these buttinski people just shut their pie holes and believe him? Criminy, Trump was the most powerful guy in the world––God put him here to save us––so why would he lie? I say, let’s put him back in The White House where he belongs, and let’s get on with our lives. The whole thing’s pretty stupid if you ask me.” He gives a nervous smile.

    Fletcherson reaches into his pocket, removes his phone, and scrunches his brow staring at the screen. “Hey, you think you could give me a hand?” he asks this reporter. “I want to try sending one of those little picture thingies in a text.”

    “You mean an emoji?” this reporter asks.

    “Don’t use your high falutin technical gibberish. Yeah, if that’s what it’s called.” Fletcherson hands over his phone. “You think you could show me how to do that?”

    ————————————————————————

    Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. Also available in audiobook. Click here for a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

  • Gaga Game of Thrones-Style Oval Office Meeting Transcript

    Gaga Game of Thrones-Style Oval Office Meeting Transcript

    The Boss wanted to hear why he shouldn’t be “King For All Time!!!”

    This week’s January 6 Committee meeting revealed the utter insanity gripping the Oval Office on December 18, 2020, as disgraced twice-impeached President Trump called his looney squad of toadies to battle his legal team in a Battle Royale. On Team Crazy was lawyer Sidney Powell and her client, former national security advisor Michael Flynn, and former Overstock CEO Patrick Byrne. Team Normal was White House lawyers Pat Cipollone and Eric Herschmann, with the chief of staff Mark Meadows looking on. Leading the proceedings was Big Daddy Donald Trump. Here is a partial transcript of the festivities leaked to The Lint Screen.

    Attorneys Cipollone and Herschmann walk into the Oval Office and see DJT behind the desk facing Powell, Flynn, and Byrne. Meadows stands with his back to the wall, looking afraid, mopping sweat on his forehead and wringing the handkerchief into a nearby bucket.

    DJT: Come in, guys, have a seat. We were just talking about how Biden cheated me in the election.

    PC: (LOOKING AT BYRNE) Who the hell are you?

    PB: I’m Patrick Byrne from Overstock dot com. I can get you good deals on tube socks or tins of paprika a few years past their expiration dates.

    PC: Good to know. (LOOKING AT MEADOWS) Hey, Mark, didn’t you pay Orkin this month? We’ve got pests and vermin in here. Hell, I even saw Rudy down the hall.

    DJT: Don’t insult true patriots, Cipollone. These people care more about me than you guys do. We’re making plans for keeping me in office. They’re protecting me. Making me feel good.

    PC: (ROLLING HIS EYES) Not again. Are they telling you that Biden cheated?

    DJT: He did. Everyone says so. I won in a landslide––everyone knows that.

    SP: The President is right. I don’t know why you lawyers with your fancy law degrees have to be so––

    EH: Did you even go to a law school, Sidney?

    SP: Yes, Mr. Smarty Pants––ACME Academy of Law. It’s a correspondence school in Guam and––

    PC: Wow. What matchbook cover did you find that place on?

    PB: Hey, I can get you a good deal on matchbooks­. 6,000 packs for only––

    EH: Shut up, Overstock guy.

    PB: We also have incredible deals on My Pillows!

    PC: Can we get this idiot out of here?

    DJT: Enough of your bullying, you two. Sidney and Michael have been giving me some fantastic ideas. Go on, General, tell them your plan.

    MF: We declare Marshall Law and order the army to confiscate all the voting machines. We destroy all the ballots and the machines. Then we declare President Trump our King Supreme for All Time.

    DJT: (EXCITED) Tell them what happens to anyone who disagrees.

    MF: We execute them. Firing squads.

    DJT: (SMILING) Isn’t that terrific?! I love that. 

    PC: Are you guys crazy? You can’t do that. It’s illegal.

    SP: Maybe it’s illegal now, but we’ll change the law and––

    EH: Sidney, you and Rudy keep saying Biden cheated. Where’s your proof?

    DJT: Go ahead, Sidney, tell them. 

    SP: We have lots of proof. 

    DJT: See? Evidence like you wouldn’t believe.

    MF: Martians used a special ray that programmed people to vote for Biden.

    SP: We have over ten million ballots illegally cast by lizards and turtles dressed like humans.

    MF: And they switched every Trump vote to a Biden vote. It was done by software implanted in boxes of Italian pasta.

    DJT: Incredible. They even rigged the macaroni.

    EH: (SHAKING HIS HEAD IN DISBELIEF) Do you have any solid evidence? Something admissible in a court of law.

    DJT: Everyone knows it’s all true, Eric. Besides, we don’t need evidence. I’m appointing Sidney as special counsel to investigate all election fraud.

    SP: And there’s a lot of it. I see it everywhere.

    PC: Mr. President, don’t do that. You’re inviting trouble if you have Sidney looking into these crazy conspiracies.

    DJT: Trouble? What trouble? Didn’t you hear–– I’m going to be Supreme King for All Time.

    PC: Mark, could you help us out here. This is getting out of control.

    MM: I don’t know, Pat. I think these are some excellent ideas. And I’m going to get a pardon––the President said so!

    PC: This is absolute insanity––

    EH: I’ve had enough of this shit. Who wants to fight me? You, Sid? Flynn? How ’bout you Mr. Overstock–let’s go a couple of rounds. 

    DJT: Stop it, Eric. You’re way out of bounds here. You legal beagle guys lost. We won. (HE TURNS TO MEADOWS) Mark, call someone to start making my gold crown. With lots and lots of jewels.

    SP: And diamonds!

    DJT: Good idea, Sidney. And diamonds. Lots of shiny diamonds. Oh, and, Mark, call Hannity and Tucker, too––I want my crowning ceremony broadcast live on Fox News. Have Mike Lindell and My Pillow buy all the ad time. Oh, and I want to dance with Ivanka. A slow dance. Very slow. Umm. (TRUMP’S EYES CLOSE AS HE SMILES.)

    PC: (TURNING TO HERSCHMANN) We’re screwed.

    ————————————————————————

    Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. Also available in audiobook. Click here for a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

The Lint Screen, Satire/Humor/Etc.

"Where fake news gets real."

Skip to content ↓