Sen. Hawley claims he loves “working out at work.”
Anyone who knows Missouri Sen. Josh Hawley will tell you that he is a turd on two legs, and Hawley proved that beyond a shadow of a doubt on January 6th, 2020.
Hawley, who in the morning marched to the Capitol bravely, thrusting his fist in the air to signal solidarity to the angry pack of delusional Trump supporters, was seen running for his life hours later when the same mob stormed the Capitol Building.
“The liberal media is doing a big hit job on me,” Hawley tells The Lint Screen. “They are trying to paint me as a coward for running like a frightened child when the patriots came to stop the steal. Well, as we say in Missouri, or is it Missoura?––that’s a load of hooey. Or do we say hogwash? Whatever we say in our state, that’s not true. By golly gumdrops, I’m the guy who is concerned about the masculinity of men these days. I’m a man’s man––a very brave fellow.”
Hawley stands straight and models his tight blue suit in The Lint Screen’s luxurious offices, offering coffee for only $1.25 a cup.
“Do you think a ripped bod like mine happens by accident?” he asks, pivoting and casting a seductive pout over his left shoulder. “As we see in the ‘Show-me’… or is it “Show-us?” state. Heck, no!” He clears his throat. “By golly.”
Hawley walks to the conference room table, plops down, and props his long legs on the tabletop.
“January 6th was a tense day,” he says. “All the Senators around me were uptight about the patriots coming to save America and keep Donald Trump in office. Jiminy June bug, I was a little tense myself, so I decided to go for a run to relax. And that’s when the video cameras caught–– me, exercising.” He chuckles. “And now the liberal media is trying to make maintaining good physical condition like a big news story. I wasn’t running out of fear. I was working out at work.”
Hawley rises from the table.
“I hope you guys will print the true story,” he says. That Josh Hawley stood up. “The story that the courageous Josh Hawley stood up to the stolen election, and he has a smokin’ bod that doesn’t quit.”
The cowardly piece of shit struts out of the offices, casually flipping two middle fingers into the air.
We think we know what that means in Missouri. Or Missoura.
The Secret Service accepts no blames for missing texts on January 5, and 6, 2021.
Jim Fletcherson has been working for The Secret Service since 1998. “I’ve seen a lot of changes in that time,” he tells The Lint Screen, chuckling. “Different presidents, Y2K, the worldwide web, smartphones, and smart TVs. But to tell the truth, I’ve never been too good with technology.”
Fletcherson shakes his head. “Now, all of a sudden, I have people bugging me about January 5th and 6th, 2021 texts and communication. Cripes, how am I supposed to know? That was a long time ago.” This reporter reminds him the Department of Homeland Security ordered the Secret Service to preserve records from those days, and he cocks his head in confusion.
When asked what happened to the communication records on those critical days, Fletcherson shrugs. “I guess they accidentally got erased,” he says. “Oops!” He smiles. “Frankly, all the confusing technology gives me a headache. Hell, I can’t operate my TV remote or alarm clock, and somehow, they expect me and the entire Secret Service department to back up our phones and devices? What are we, a bunch of brainiacs? Our job’s to protect the president, not program computers and stuff.”
The Senior Agent accepts no responsibility for the missing records.
“I don’t get what the big hub-bub’s about anyway,” he says. “President Trump said nothing happened on January 6th. It was just a few patriots trying to stop the steal. Why can’t all these buttinski people just shut their pie holes and believe him? Criminy, Trump was the most powerful guy in the world––God put him here to save us––so why would he lie? I say, let’s put him back in The White House where he belongs, and let’s get on with our lives. The whole thing’s pretty stupid if you ask me.” He gives a nervous smile.
Fletcherson reaches into his pocket, removes his phone, and scrunches his brow staring at the screen. “Hey, you think you could give me a hand?” he asks this reporter. “I want to try sending one of those little picture thingies in a text.”
“You mean an emoji?” this reporter asks.
“Don’t use your high falutin technical gibberish. Yeah, if that’s what it’s called.” Fletcherson hands over his phone. “You think you could show me how to do that?”
The Boss wanted to hear why he shouldn’t be “King For All Time!!!”
This week’s January 6 Committee meeting revealed the utter insanity gripping the Oval Office on December 18, 2020, as disgraced twice-impeached President Trump called his looney squad of toadies to battle his legal team in a Battle Royale. On Team Crazy was lawyer Sidney Powell and her client, former national security advisor Michael Flynn, and former Overstock CEO Patrick Byrne. Team Normal was White House lawyers Pat Cipollone and Eric Herschmann, with the chief of staff Mark Meadows looking on. Leading the proceedings was Big Daddy Donald Trump. Here is a partial transcript of the festivities leaked to The Lint Screen.
Attorneys Cipollone and Herschmann walk into the Oval Office and see DJT behind the desk facing Powell, Flynn, and Byrne. Meadows stands with his back to the wall, looking afraid, mopping sweat on his forehead and wringing the handkerchief into a nearby bucket.
DJT: Come in, guys, have a seat. We were just talking about how Biden cheated me in the election.
PC: (LOOKING AT BYRNE) Who the hell are you?
PB: I’m Patrick Byrne from Overstock dot com. I can get you good deals on tube socks or tins of paprika a few years past their expiration dates.
PC: Good to know. (LOOKING AT MEADOWS) Hey, Mark, didn’t you pay Orkin this month? We’ve got pests and vermin in here. Hell, I even saw Rudy down the hall.
DJT: Don’t insult true patriots, Cipollone. These people care more about me than you guys do. We’re making plans for keeping me in office. They’re protecting me. Making me feel good.
PC: (ROLLING HIS EYES) Not again. Are they telling you that Biden cheated?
SP: The President is right. I don’t know why you lawyers with your fancy law degrees have to be so––
EH: Did you even go to a law school, Sidney?
SP: Yes, Mr. Smarty Pants––ACME Academy of Law. It’s a correspondence school in Guam and––
PC: Wow. What matchbook cover did you find that place on?
PB: Hey, I can get you a good deal on matchbooks. 6,000 packs for only––
EH: Shut up, Overstock guy.
PB: We also have incredible deals on My Pillows!
PC: Can we get this idiot out of here?
DJT: Enough of your bullying, you two. Sidney and Michael have been giving me some fantastic ideas. Go on, General, tell them your plan.
MF: We declare Marshall Law and order the army to confiscate all the voting machines. We destroy all the ballots and the machines. Then we declare President Trump our King Supreme for All Time.
DJT: (EXCITED) Tell them what happens to anyone who disagrees.
MF: We execute them. Firing squads.
DJT: (SMILING) Isn’t that terrific?!I love that.
PC: Are you guys crazy? You can’t do that. It’s illegal.
SP: Maybe it’s illegal now, but we’ll change the law and––
EH: Sidney, you and Rudy keep saying Biden cheated. Where’s your proof?
PC: Mr. President, don’t do that. You’re inviting trouble if you have Sidney looking into these crazy conspiracies.
DJT: Trouble? What trouble? Didn’t you hear–– I’m going to be Supreme King for All Time.
PC: Mark, could you help us out here. This is getting out of control.
MM: I don’t know, Pat. I think these are some excellent ideas. And I’m going to get a pardon––the President said so!
PC: This is absolute insanity––
EH: I’ve had enough of this shit. Who wants to fight me? You, Sid? Flynn? How ’bout you Mr. Overstock–let’s go a couple of rounds.
DJT: Stop it, Eric. You’re way out of bounds here. You legal beagle guys lost. We won. (HE TURNS TO MEADOWS) Mark, call someone to start making my gold crown. With lots and lots of jewels.
SP: And diamonds!
DJT: Good idea, Sidney. And diamonds. Lots of shiny diamonds. Oh, and, Mark, call Hannity and Tucker, too––I want my crowning ceremony broadcast live on Fox News. Have Mike Lindell and My Pillow buy all the ad time. Oh, and I want to dance with Ivanka. A slow dance. Very slow. Umm. (TRUMP’S EYES CLOSE AS HE SMILES.)
Graham is drunk with power and urges he cannot contain or control.
Sen. Lindsey Graham (S.C.) is outraged that he has been issued a subpoena by an Atlanta-area special grand jury investigating twice-impeached disgraced former President Donald Trump’s attempts to overturn the 2020 election in Georgia. “This whole thing is just another fishing expedition witch hunt,” Graham says with righteous indignation. “I made a couple of phone calls to Brad Raffensperger asking him to recount absentee ballots in favor of President Trump. What’s the big deal?” Dressed in a crisp white and pink pinstriped seersuckers suit, Graham is especially concerned because Fani Willis is the leading prosecutor on the case. “She appears to me to be just another angry black woman,” Graham tells The Lint Screen. “I don’t have a racist bone in my body, but let’s face it––for all I know, I have ancestors who once owned her people. Now she’s seeking revenge. There is no way I can find justice in a situation like that. And because I’m on The Committee on the Judiciary, I know a thing or two about justice.” The effusive, animated South Carolinian believes that no crimes were committed in Georgia. “I asked Raffensperger to find us some absentee votes,” he says with a dismissive wave of his tiny lily white hand. “And later, the President asked him to find 11,780 votes. That is not all that many votes––especially when everyone was saying Biden cheated. And President Trump himself said that he won in a massive landslide.” The pale man shakes his head in disgust. “Is it any wonder so many patriots stormed The Capitol on January 6?” Graham rises from his chair and makes one last closing argument. “I’m a goddamn Senator,” he smiles. “And you can’t touch this.” And with that proclamation, Lindsey moonwalks out the door.
“If a woman is carrying a man’s seed, I believe she must deliver,” Thomas proclaims. “It doesn’t matter what she thinks about it. Her body is not hers once she possesses a man’s property. It doesn’t matter if the man was a close relative or a stranger who let his animal instincts get the better of him––she’s got an obligation to deliver his child. Incest and rape are flimsy excuses for abortion. God wants every life to be born.”
Thomas believes women were put on earth for a purpose.
“God made a woman out of one of Adam’s ribs,” he says. “Naturally, she is his property. As such, women have duties to perform, and birthing babies is one of them, along with vacuuming the floors, doing laundry, making meals, darning socks, and mixing a good gin martini for her man when he comes home from work. I think society went to pot after women started learning to read and attending school. It took away from their sacred domestic duties and put fanciful notions in their pretty heads.”
Thomas said the Court’s abortion decision is just the start.
Reporters swarmed Johnson following yesterday’s January 6 committee hearing, where he was implicated as offering to be a delivery boy for a slate of fake ballots. He had pledged to personally bring Vice President Mike Pence the counterfeit ballots while the Veep was counting votes in the Electoral College.
Johnson, a known scumbag and man of no integrity and meager intellect, received a phone call when reporters began pestering him with vexing questions. The Lint Screen offers this transcript of Johnson’s side of the conversation follows.
RJ: Hello… what’s that? This is a call from a world leader? Yes, I’ll listen to your offer.
Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
Yes. Please send us lots of gasoline at the low affordable price of fifty cents a gallon! That would be wonderful. I’m sure Americans would appreciate that.
Uh-huh. Right! That’s fantastic news.
You also have lots of baby formula––and you’ll sell it to us cheap? I love that––we’ll take it! Send us everything you have. Our babies are starving for formula!
Uh-huh. Hmm. Uh-huh. Nice!
You can fix all our supply chain issues and stop inflation? Yes, please do that for the United States of America. You see, caller, I am a true patriot who lives to protect and preserve our great democracy…
What’s that? Umm-hmm, I see. Yes, I couldn’t agree with you more.
