Sen. Lindsey Graham (S.C.) is outraged that he has been issued a subpoena by an Atlanta-area special grand jury investigating twice-impeached disgraced former President Donald Trump’s attempts to overturn the 2020 election in Georgia.
“This whole thing is just another fishing expedition witch hunt,” Graham says with righteous indignation. “I made a couple of phone calls to Brad Raffensperger asking him to recount absentee ballots in favor of President Trump. What’s the big deal?”
Dressed in a crisp white and pink pinstriped seersuckers suit, Graham is especially concerned because Fani Willis is the leading prosecutor on the case.
“She appears to me to be just another angry black woman,” Graham tells The Lint Screen. “I don’t have a racist bone in my body, but let’s face it––for all I know, I have ancestors who once owned her people. Now she’s seeking revenge. There is no way I can find justice in a situation like that. And because I’m on The Committee on the Judiciary, I know a thing or two about justice.”
The effusive, animated South Carolinian believes that no crimes were committed in Georgia.
“I asked Raffensperger to find us some absentee votes,” he says with a dismissive wave of his tiny lily white hand. “And later, the President asked him to find 11,780 votes. That is not all that many votes––especially when everyone was saying Biden cheated. And President Trump himself said that he won in a massive landslide.” The pale man shakes his head in disgust. “Is it any wonder so many patriots stormed The Capitol on January 6?”
Graham rises from his chair and makes one last closing argument.
“I’m a goddamn Senator,” he smiles. “And you can’t touch this.”
And with that proclamation, Lindsey moonwalks out the door.

————————————————————————

Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. Also available in audiobook. Click here for a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas told The Lint Screen he must control over half the population of the United States.

“I’m not a sexist,” Thomas says, “but you just can’t trust women. Look at history. Who caused Adam to get kicked out of the Garden of Eden? Eve. I close my case. The evidence couldn’t be clearer––women need a man to tell them what to do.“

That is the reasoning he and other conservative hit job judges on the Supreme Court recently struck down Roe v Wade as the law of the land.

“If a woman is carrying a man’s seed, I believe she must deliver,” Thomas proclaims. “It doesn’t matter what she thinks about it. Her body is not hers once she possesses a man’s property. It doesn’t matter if the man was a close relative or a stranger who let his animal instincts get the better of him––she’s got an obligation to deliver his child. Incest and rape are flimsy excuses for abortion. God wants every life to be born.”

Thomas believes women were put on earth for a purpose.

“God made a woman out of one of Adam’s ribs,” he says. “Naturally, she is his property. As such, women have duties to perform, and birthing babies is one of them, along with vacuuming the floors, doing laundry, making meals, darning socks, and mixing a good gin martini for her man when he comes home from work. I think society went to pot after women started learning to read and attending school. It took away from their sacred domestic duties and put fanciful notions in their pretty heads.”

Thomas said the Court’s abortion decision is just the start.

“We’re going to look at all the problems of society,” he promises. “The gays, the media, free speech that we don’t agree with, organized labor, anything that goes against corporate interests, not having religion in every aspect of American life, restricting voting rights “for the wrong kinds of people,” and much more.

Thomas rubs his hands together and giggles gleefully.

“Supreme Court Justices have appointments for life,” he says. “And we plan to give every American better lives by dictating what freedoms they’re allowed to have.“

Thanks, Clarence, you’re a mensch.

————————————————————————

Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. Also available in audiobook. Click here for a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

Wisconsin Sen. Ron Johnson is an important man.

Reporters swarmed Johnson following yesterday’s January 6 committee hearing, where he was implicated as offering to be a delivery boy for a slate of fake ballots. He had pledged to personally bring Vice President Mike Pence the counterfeit ballots while the Veep was counting votes in the Electoral College.

The half-assed ploy was an ill-fated coup attempt to overturn a free and fair election and dish another term to disgraced twice-impeached ex-President Donald J. Trump.

Johnson, a known scumbag and man of no integrity and meager intellect, received a phone call when reporters began pestering him with vexing questions. The Lint Screen offers this transcript of Johnson’s side of the conversation follows.

RJ:  Hello… what’s that? This is a call from a world leader? Yes, I’ll listen to your offer.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh. 

Yes. Please send us lots of gasoline at the low affordable price of fifty cents a gallon! That would be wonderful. I’m sure Americans would appreciate that. 

Uh-huh. Right! That’s fantastic news.

You also have lots of baby formula––and you’ll sell it to us cheap? I love that––we’ll take it! Send us everything you have. Our babies are starving for formula!

Uh-huh. Hmm. Uh-huh. Nice!

You can fix all our supply chain issues and stop inflation? Yes, please do that for the United States of America. You see, caller, I am a true patriot who lives to protect and preserve our great democracy…

What’s that? Umm-hmm, I see. Yes, I couldn’t agree with you more.

The January 6 committee is a partisan hack job. A witch hunt against America’s greatest president, Donald J. Trump, and the GOP freedom lovers and defenders of the Second Amendment who want to make America great again.

Uh-huh. Right.

January 6 was no big deal. Just some friendly tourists who got a little rowdy––

A rude reporter interrupted Sen. Johnson and was told the fake ballots narrative was a “non-story.”

We can take his word on that. He is a patriot, after all.

————————————————————————

Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. Also available in audiobook. Click here for a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

The Lint Screen has obtained a new email from “THE PRESIDENT’S DESK IN MAR-A- LAGO” soliciting money for his defense against the January 6th Committee Hearings. 

Below is his latest email in its entirety under a picture of disgraced twice-impeached ex-President Donald J. Trump.

My Dear Friend,

I can’t believe this is the United States of America.

Treasonous RHINOs, and the socialist liberals are viciously attacking me––America’s greatest patriot!!!!!

And I sit here wondering––WHERE ARE YOU WHEN I NEED YOUR HELP THE MOST??? 

The very unfair January 6th Congressional Committee is making up many, many lies, trying to hurt my popularity. They know I won the 2020 election IN A MASSIVE LANDSLIDE!!!!!

But they can’t accept that, so they started ANOTHER witch hunt!!! These angry career politicians hate me because I MADE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN, and they don’t want to KEEP AMERICA GREAT. 

So, they are saying some not-so-nice things about me. Very bad things. They are actually questioning my honesty––which is crazy since my social media network is called TRUTH SOCIAL––but I guess they don’t want to admit that!!! How could I possibly lie with a name like TRUTH SOCIAL?

But they don’t care. THE RADICAL LEFT keeps attacking, attacking, and attacking me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Many people are saying that they are even bribing other people to make up stories about me. People like not-as-hot-as-she-thinks-she-is Ivanka Trump, very weak Jared Kushner, horrible, bad-breath Bill Barr, and other traitors are all getting paid big $$$ to LIE. ABOUT ME!!!

Don’t believe anything you hear from these fake hearings… THESE PEOPLE WANT TO KILL YOUR PARENTS AND GROOM YOUR CHILDREN! THEN THEY WILL POISON YOUR PETS AND BURN YOUR BIBLES!!! 

Do the patriotic thing and HELP ME FIGHT THE SOCIALISTS HELLBENT ON RUINING OUR COUNTRY!!!

Can I count on you to chip in $20? Twenty lousy bucks! 

But don’t be a cheapskate!!!

$50 would be much better––and $100 would show you care about saving democracy.

But if you really love America, you will sign over the deed to your house and car title to the PROTECT DONALD J. TRUMP PAC.

Don’t allow our country to go down the toilet! Save the USA and DONATE NOW TO HELPING ME!!!

Thank you for being a patriot,

President Donald J. Trump (cheated out of the Oval Office)

————————————————————————

Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. Also available in audiobook. Click here for a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

In a startling development, The Lint Screen was able to corner the tall guy always standing behind Republican Sen. Mitch McConnell when he addresses the press.

The skinny guy is South Dakota Sen. John Thune, representing a handful of people in the desolate land of Mt. Rushmore, wielding the same power as every other Senator. And amazingly, we discovered he could talk! He’s not just a suit mannequin on loan from Macy’s.

We asked Sen. Thune why any citizen can buy AR-15s.

“The AR-15 is necessary for a citizen’s protection,” Thune claims. “My constituents use it for hunting prairie dogs, critters, and pests of all kinds. The flying insects in South Dakota are thick as thieves and bothersome as all get out.”

Thune flails his arms in the air as if he is swatting insects. It is quite a convincing performance. The man is “in character.” The Senator freezes his action and bows. He continues his comments. 

“And let me tell you, if you think you’re going to protect yourself with a can of Raid or a plastic fly swatter, well, you’ve got another thing coming. An AR-15 is a godsend when it comes to hunting skeeters and flies. You can lay down a spray of bullets that let them know you mean business.”

Thune scoffs at those who want any legislation restricting AR-15s.

“I don’t understand all the rigamarole about mass shootings,” he says. “You’re more likely to die in a car wreck than a mass shooting. So, should we outlaw cars? The Republican Party believes the whole debate is ludicrous. If you’re worried, arm the teachers, for Pete’s sake!”

The sanctimonious politician believes our forefathers would be appalled at the behavior of some Americans today.

“The men who wrote the second amendment knew what they were doing,” Thune proclaims. “And they wanted us to have AR-15s and whatever other arms we can get our hands on. You don’t know when the red coats will be coming again, and I say better safe than sorry.”

Thune said the solution to “the so-called gun issue in America” is simple. “It’s like the NRA’s Wayne LaPierre says––we just need more good guys with guns. That’s the only thing that makes sense. Let’s lift this stupid age restriction of being 18 to get an AR-15. There are lots of good young guys. Let’s get them some AR-15s!”

He then skedaddles into his office and closes the door.

Problem solved.

————————————————————————

Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. Also available in audiobook. Click here for a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

Sen. Ted Cruz wants to make it crystal clear that he is pro-life and pro-gun.

The portly bag of crap from Texas has been acting like a tough guy since the tragic Uvalde massacre that left 19 children and two adult teachers dead.

“This thing wouldn’t have happened if those kids and teachers had been armed,” Republican Cruz tells The Lint Screen. “And I wholeheartedly reject those who say 18-year-olds are too young to buy and own guns. I firmly believe the right to bear arms begins at conception. That’s when life begin. And that’s when your rights as an American begins. And our forefathers wanted all of us to be heavily armed.”

Cruz supports the pre-Handmaid’s Tale anti-abortion laws Texas and many other states have enacted.

“From the moment of conception, we must protect that citizen,” Cruz says. “And if that fetus wants a small firearm to protect itself from being aborted, we should help it by God. Everyone has a right to defend themself, no matter what the age.”

The Senator, who has no shame, believes all Americans have the right to own as many guns as they can afford.

“I think gun ownership could be real game changers for kids,” he claims. “They’ll be able to negotiate higher allowances for themselves, get better grades to get into better schools, and defend themselves on social media. People with guns get a lot more likes on social media.”

Cruz believes it is crucial children have the proper weapon for their needs. “Since young kids may not have the best aim, they should have some serious firepower––something like an AR-15. A semi-automatic rifle makes a lot of sense. It allows you to blanket your target, and you can even use your weapon for cooking bacon. I did it in a TV ad when I was running.”

The Trump lapdog smiles. “Protecting yourself and cooking bacon, what could be better than that?”

————————————————————————

Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. Also available in audiobook. Click here for a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.