Reporters swarmed Johnson following yesterday’s January 6 committee hearing, where he was implicated as offering to be a delivery boy for a slate of fake ballots. He had pledged to personally bring Vice President Mike Pence the counterfeit ballots while the Veep was counting votes in the Electoral College.
Johnson, a known scumbag and man of no integrity and meager intellect, received a phone call when reporters began pestering him with vexing questions. The Lint Screen offers this transcript of Johnson’s side of the conversation follows.
RJ: Hello… what’s that? This is a call from a world leader? Yes, I’ll listen to your offer.
Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
Yes. Please send us lots of gasoline at the low affordable price of fifty cents a gallon! That would be wonderful. I’m sure Americans would appreciate that.
Uh-huh. Right! That’s fantastic news.
You also have lots of baby formula––and you’ll sell it to us cheap? I love that––we’ll take it! Send us everything you have. Our babies are starving for formula!
Uh-huh. Hmm. Uh-huh. Nice!
You can fix all our supply chain issues and stop inflation? Yes, please do that for the United States of America. You see, caller, I am a true patriot who lives to protect and preserve our great democracy…
What’s that? Umm-hmm, I see. Yes, I couldn’t agree with you more.
Don The Con is at it again––he’s milking his rubes!
The Lint Screen has obtained a new email from “THE PRESIDENT’S DESK IN MAR-A- LAGO” soliciting money for his defense against the January 6th Committee Hearings.
But they can’t accept that, so they started ANOTHER witch hunt!!! These angry career politicians hate me because I MADE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN, and they don’t want to KEEP AMERICA GREAT.
So, they are saying some not-so-nice things about me. Very bad things. They are actually questioning my honesty––which is crazy since my social media network is called TRUTH SOCIAL––but I guess they don’t want to admit that!!! How could I possibly lie with a name like TRUTH SOCIAL?
But they don’t care. THE RADICAL LEFT keeps attacking, attacking, and attacking me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Many people are saying that they are even bribing other people to make up stories about me. People like not-as-hot-as-she-thinks-she-is Ivanka Trump, very weak Jared Kushner, horrible, bad-breath Bill Barr, and other traitors are all getting paid big $$$ to LIE. ABOUT ME!!!
Don’t believe anything you hear from these fake hearings… THESE PEOPLE WANT TO KILL YOUR PARENTS AND GROOM YOUR CHILDREN! THEN THEY WILL POISON YOUR PETS AND BURN YOUR BIBLES!!!
Do the patriotic thing and HELP ME FIGHT THE SOCIALISTS HELLBENT ON RUINING OUR COUNTRY!!!
Can I count on you to chip in $20? Twenty lousy bucks!
But don’t be a cheapskate!!!
$50 would be much better––and $100 would show you care about saving democracy.
But if you really love America, you will sign over the deed to your house and car title to the PROTECT DONALD J. TRUMP PAC.
Don’t allow our country to go down the toilet! Save the USA and DONATE NOW TO HELPING ME!!!
The skinny guy is South Dakota Sen. John Thune, representing a handful of people in the desolate land of Mt. Rushmore, wielding the same power as every other Senator. And amazingly, we discovered he could talk! He’s not just a suit mannequin on loan from Macy’s.
We asked Sen. Thune why any citizen can buy AR-15s.
“The AR-15 is necessary for a citizen’s protection,” Thune claims. “My constituents use it for hunting prairie dogs, critters, and pests of all kinds. The flying insects in South Dakota are thick as thieves and bothersome as all get out.”
Thune flails his arms in the air as if he is swatting insects. It is quite a convincing performance. The man is “in character.” The Senator freezes his action and bows. He continues his comments.
“And let me tell you, if you think you’re going to protect yourself with a can of Raid or a plastic fly swatter, well, you’ve got another thing coming. An AR-15 is a godsend when it comes to hunting skeeters and flies. You can lay down a spray of bullets that let them know you mean business.”
Thune scoffs at those who want any legislation restricting AR-15s.
“I don’t understand all the rigamarole about mass shootings,” he says. “You’re more likely to die in a car wreck than a mass shooting. So, should we outlaw cars? The Republican Party believes the whole debate is ludicrous. If you’re worried, arm the teachers, for Pete’s sake!”
The sanctimonious politician believes our forefathers would be appalled at the behavior of some Americans today.
“The men who wrote the second amendment knew what they were doing,” Thune proclaims. “And they wanted us to have AR-15s and whatever other arms we can get our hands on. You don’t know when the red coats will be coming again, and I say better safe than sorry.”
Thune said the solution to “the so-called gun issue in America” is simple. “It’s like the NRA’s Wayne LaPierre says––we just need more good guys with guns. That’s the only thing that makes sense. Let’s lift this stupid age restriction of being 18 to get an AR-15. There are lots of good young guys. Let’s get them some AR-15s!”
He then skedaddles into his office and closes the door.
Texas Sen. Ted Cruz doubles and triple down on gun ownership.
Sen. Ted Cruz wants to make it crystal clear that he is pro-life and pro-gun.
The portly bag of crap from Texas has been acting like a tough guy since the tragic Uvalde massacre that left 19 children and two adult teachers dead.
“This thing wouldn’t have happened if those kids and teachers had been armed,” Republican Cruz tells The Lint Screen. “And I wholeheartedly reject those who say 18-year-olds are too young to buy and own guns. I firmly believe the right to bear arms begins at conception. That’s when life begin. And that’s when your rights as an American begins. And our forefathers wanted all of us to be heavily armed.”
Cruz supports the pre-Handmaid’s Tale anti-abortion laws Texas and many other states have enacted.
“From the moment of conception, we must protect that citizen,” Cruz says. “And if that fetus wants a small firearm to protect itself from being aborted, we should help it by God. Everyone has a right to defend themself, no matter what the age.”
“I think gun ownership could be real game changers for kids,” he claims. “They’ll be able to negotiate higher allowances for themselves, get better grades to get into better schools, and defend themselves on social media. People with guns get a lot more likes on social media.”
Cruz believes it is crucial children have the proper weapon for their needs. “Since young kids may not have the best aim, they should have some serious firepower––something like an AR-15. A semi-automatic rifle makes a lot of sense. It allows you to blanket your target, and you can even use your weapon for cooking bacon. I did it in a TV ad when I was running.”
The Trump lapdog smiles. “Protecting yourself and cooking bacon, what could be better than that?”
Teachers will now be charged with stopping school shootings.
Following the tragic elementary school massacre in Uvalde, Texas, yesterday, the Republican Party has finally decided enough is enough.
“We’ve got to take some decisive action,” Texas Gov. Greg Abbott told The Lint Screen. “I’ve always said the only thing that will stop a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun. And yesterday, even though Robb Elementary School did have a good guy with a gun, unfortunately, the bad guy won. The only solution to this problem is a good guy with a bigger gun.”
“I think the only common sense thing to do is arm the teachers with bazookas,” the pudgy, bearded spineless man declares. “That way, it won’t matter if the school shooter wears kevlar. A bazooka shell will blow that kid to smithereens.”
Abbott believes teachers will welcome the new responsibility.
“We’ve already told teachers the version of American history we want them to teach,” the gun-lovin’ guv says. “And we’re going to tell ’em what books to ban. Now we’re telling them they got to protect their kids with bazookas. I’m sure the teachers are going to love having that added responsibility. And I encourage all Texans to arm themselves to the teeth. We need to beat California for the state with the most guns. The NRA and gun manufacturers will give us a nice bonus if we do!”
“I think it is important people don’t forget the GOP’s first line of defense in any mass shooting,” the pelican man says. “And that is thoughts and prayers. We need the American people to think and pray harder. Then we can rely on God to end school shootings.”
2:41 p.m., 1-6-22/ Sen. Chuck Grassley: WTF, Mark! You’ve got to stop the maniac and have him call off his attack dogs! I’m hiding beneath my desk–– with my knees, I may never stand again!!! Do something. NOW!!! We’re all going to die!!!!!!!!!
2:45 p.m./ V.P. Mike Pence: Cripes, Mark––what’s going on? Gee, willikers, I’m starting to really get nervous. These people who stormed The Capitol look perturbed, and they keep chanting my name. Apparently, they want to hang me. Why? What did I do? I didn’t do anything but obey the law. Would you please ask The Boss to call them off? Thanks, Mark, and God bless!!! I’ll remember you in my prayers.
2:50 p.m./ Rep. Jim Jordan: Mark– This is getting pretty intense. I’m a brave guy (did I ever tell you I used to coach wrasslin’?) but these people in The Capitol look like a rough mob. How are they going to be able to tell us from them??? What do I do if they call me a Democrat? I don’t want to seem critical here, but do you think maybe you could tell The Big Man to shut this thing down? It’s too dangerous. And please remind him about my Medal of Freedom.
2:51 p.m./ V.P. Mike Pence: The Secret Service is taking me away to a secret location for safe keeping. They told me not to disclose my whereabouts to anyone–– not even you or The President. But if you guess, I’ll let you know if you’re hot or cold.
3:00 p.m./ Sen. Mitch McConnell: For crissakes, Mark, this isn’t funny! Would you tell that asshole crybaby that he LOST the goddamn election?!!! HE LOST!!!!! IT’S OVER!!!! If he keeps this coup going, we’re going to kill the whole damn Party! STAND DOWN! NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
3:14 p.m./ Sen. Lindsay Graham: Hey, Mark. I saw that guy on TV who is bare chested and has a Viking helmet. He looks like he’s in great shape (probably a real gym rat, umm). I mean, WHEW, I think someone ought to towel him off! I’d love to be the guy. Do you think you could get his number for me?
3:20 p.m./ Fox News Host Sean Hannity: Mark, I’m selling this BLM/ Antifa angle HARD! But it’s obvious these are Trumpers. What should I do? Do you want to ask HIM, or should I wait for Q-Anon to give me some direction? Remember, I’m supposed to look like a journalist. Just let me know what HE thinks.
3:26 p.m./ Sen. Ted Cruz: Mark, is there an end game here? I’m kind of worried we’re all going to die. I’m on hold with American Airlines to see if I can catch a quick flight to Cancun––I’m worried I might not make it out alive. Cancun is my happy place. Maybe you can suggest The Boss shuts this down.
3:28 p.m./ Rudy Giuliani: Mark, would have someone let me into the White House? I’m outside the gate and the guards won’t let me in. Is he mad at me? Tell him I’m sorry for whatever I did. Just let me in! I’ve got some Doritos! Thanks.
3:31 p.m./ Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene: I’ve been a good little girl, Mark, but this shit is getting scary. I think someone took a dump outside my office. Either that or Gaetz shit himself again. Would you tell The Boss to dial back the crazy mob a little? I didn’t sign up to be a martyr.
2:34 p.m./ V.P. Mike Pence: Mark, let The Boss know I’m still on his team. If there are any issues, let’s iron them out. We can do this!!!
3:42 p.m./ Rep. Matt Gaetz: It’s getting pretty terrifying in here.Did the crowd get Pence yet? That little weasel vanished into thin air. Let me know when the mob finds him. I’m tired of hiding. And could arrange a high school field trip to the Capitol soon? Maybe an all-girls school? I need some companionship here. It’s lonely.
3:47 p.m./ Sen. Ted Cruz: American Airlines has the worst on-hold music ever. If I make it out alive, I swear I’m proposing legislation against their on-hold bullshit. It’s criminal!!!
3:50 p.m./ Sen. Josh Hawley: Mark, Would you have the President remind his raving gang that I’m the brave guy who had his fist in the air this morning? I’m afraid someone might accidentally punch my lights out and rip me to shreds. Thanks, buddy!
3:54 p.m./ Sen. Lindsay Graham: Mark, I hate to be a pest but did you have any luck getting the phone number of that striking Viking? I’d really like to meet him.
3:55 p.m../ Fox News host Tucker Carlson: Mark, I’ve got a good angle on this story. I’ll play up replacement theory––that always does excellent ratings, and everyone will forget about this coup thing (if it fails––which I hope it doesn’t! Viva la Trump!!!). Pass my replacement theory idea by THE MAN and let me know. Happy to help!
4:12 p.m./ House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy: Okay, Mark, the maniac has had his fun. He needs to call the thing off. It’s not going to work. There are cameras everywhere–– THE OPTICS ARE HORRIBLE!!! We look like a goddamn banana republic! I want to be House Majority leader, but these goons may burn my House down! STOP THE MADNESS!!! NOW!!!!!
4:14 p.m./ Sen. Ted Cruz: Hey, Mark, I’m still on hold with American Airlines. Do me a favor and see if the Big Man could redirect some of his kill squad to American’s phone center. Their on-hold music is driving me insane!!! I gotta get to Cancun soon!
4:15 p.m./ Sen. Ron Johnson: Mark, tell the mad man to get on TV and call off his attack dogs. Enough is enough. It’s scary as hell in here. I didn’t come to Washington to die!!!
4:22 p.m./ Sen. Lindsay Graham: Did you have any luck with that Viking phone number? Thanks, Mark. I appreciate your help. I can’t stop thinking about the dreamy Viking.
4:31 p.m./ President Vladimir Putin: Tell him to turn his “special phone” on––I need to talk. I’m watching this on TV, and you need more firepower! You can’t start a war if you don’t have a good army. These Trump people look like amateurs. Where did he find them? That fool can’t do anything right! Have him call me NOW!!!
The coup attempt would continue, and President Trump would eventually send a sweet video love letter to his supporters in their attempt at his coup.
And now the January 6 Committee is doing a witch hunt against Trump. It makes one wonder why?
