Andrei Nikinovich, Kremlin spokesperson, tells The Lint Screen that the decision was easy.
“President Putin has always been a fan of Tucker Carlson,” Nikinovich says. “Tucker is one of the strongest cheerleaders for the Russian cause. That’s why so many Russians love him. Carlson is an enemy of liberal democracies, NATO, and a booster of strongmen regimes like we have in our motherland. We regret Mr. Carlson was not successful in getting President Trump reelected. He would have made a fine autocrat. But, maybe Tucker will succeed yet and get Trump back in the White House.”
Putin has been mightily impressed by Carlson’s support of his Ukraine invasion.
“The President has demanded we broadcast Tucker Carlson’s Fox commentaries to the Russian people,” Nikinovich declares. “He always gets great ratings. Russians love him. Naturally, it made perfect sense to get him on our payroll. We can get him cheap since rubles are worthless. We know Tucker will continue his enthusiastic support of the Russian cause for unification. To show his support, President Putin has sent Tucker red pom-poms. He wants Mr. Carlson to be his head cheerleader. And he knows Tucker will be excellent at that job.”
Nikinovich thinks Tucker Carlson can boost Putin’s image and support for his war.
“He is the man for the job,” the Russian says. “We’re so happy to have Tucker on the team.”
“Whatever the big guy needs,” Carlson says, “I will deliver for Vlad. I’m his #1 boy, and I couldn’t be happier to carry his water and kiss his lily-white ass.”
He thought he was stepping into the future, then came the shocking truth!
Derek Crayton had read a lot about the Metaverse and its promise of an exciting virtual utopia, so he decided to experience it for himself. But instead of heaven, he discovered his definition of hell––being forced to sit through an endless PowerPoint Presentation.
“I thought the Metaverse was supposed to be one of the greatest features of technology,” Crayton told The Lint Screen. “I was pumped for the possibilities. I strapped on my VR headset, built my avatar–– I was a dragon with ballerina legs smoking a Sherlock Holmes pipe wearing a Detroit Tigers cap backward. I looked really cool, and I began strutting my stuff in the Metaverse. I was ready for adventure!”
What happened next is frightening, and if you are prone to panic attacks or hyperventilation, you should read no further.
“An avatar named Jerry suddenly appeared,” Crayton says. “He was wearing this cheap suit and a loud necktie. Jerry grabbed me and led me into a conference room. He sat me in a chair, and the next thing I knew, I was strapped to the chair with this device on my neck, forcing me to look straight ahead at this large screen. Then, my worst nightmare happened.”
Crayton begins sobbing as he recounts his horrific experience.
“Jerry started taking me through a PowerPoint presentation,” Crayton said, wiping tears from his face. “It was all about this timeshare opportunity he was selling. He said it was incredible–– I could stay at the best properties in the Metaverse for a fraction of the regular price. Jerry was a close-talker. He had terrible breath–– it smelled like garlic, sardines, and a dirty litter box. His voice droned on and on.”
The anguished man stops, his lips trembling, then Crayton continues.
“Just when I thought the presentation was over, Jerry had more slides,” Crayton says. “There were slides with lots of bullets, slides with one large word like ‘OPPORTUNITY’ and ‘VALUE’ and ‘AMAZING,’ and slides that had way too many words on them to read. But Jerry read every last damn word. He kept going. The Powerpoint was endless. I tried to escape, but I couldn’t. He started talking about MAGA Nation, and how Trump was cheated. The only way out was to sign a contract. After 31-grueling-hours, I finally broke. I gave Jerry my John Hancock on a timeshare contract.”
Crayton rubs his red eyes. “I couldn’t take it. I was weak. And now I’m losing money in a make-believe world. I feel like such a goddamn fool.”
Like Mark Twain famously said, “Virtual reality sucks.”
“If I were president today, Putin would never have invaded Ukraine,” Trump tells The Lint Screen. “But Biden stole the election from me, and Putin knows Joe is weak, so he made his move. It’s a brilliant move, pure genius. When I get back into the Oval Office, I’m going to get the army to arrest and destroy anyone who disagrees with me. Destroying enemies is the only way to preserve a strong democracy.”
Trump believes Putin feared him. “Putin saw the tremendous job I was doing rallying NATO, getting all our European allies together. I am a unifier. Everyone says so. And he also saw how I fully supported Zelinsky, making sure Ukraine got all the defense systems they needed. Putin is a very strong man like me, and strong men respect each other. He would have stood down if I asked.”
The ex-president blowhard has one wish for the world. “Someday soon, I’d like to see a Trump Tower in Moscow. And trust me, that’s going to happen when I get back in office.” ————————————————————————
The Tuckernator says it’s time to call it a day and accept autocratic leadership
Tucker Carlson, the enraged boy toy of Fox News and the most popular commentator in Russia, says it’s time we all surrendered to strong rulers.
The Lint Screen has obtained his upcoming commentary and reprints it here in its entirety. Read how the Tuckman lays out his case. Enjoy!
CARLSON: “Why are we so afraid of change? Is it human nature, or is it just our silly stubbornness? I think it’s high time we finally faced the hard, cold facts–– liberal democracies don’t work.
The problem with democracies is they allow too many voices to express their opinions. And too often, these opinions are from the wrong kind of people. You know the ones I’m talking about–– people who don’t look like you or me. It could be their skin color, or their religion, or their radical political beliefs. But they are ‘the others’, and they want to have a say in how we live our lives. They demand it!!!
This is dangerous, and because of their outrageous recklessness in stealing our American presidential election, loyal patriots like the ones on January 6th had to take decisive action. Good people were forced to storm The Capitol and beat the crap out of cops and other so-called authority figures who didn’t share our beliefs. Our values. They deserved what they got!
And guess what? The lamestream media tries to make these red-blooded, fair-skinned patriots look like they’re the bad guys.
But are they? Really? Why?
Is it because these brave patriots believe in strongmen like Donald J. Trump or Vladimir Putin? Because they want authoritarian, brilliant, charismatic leaders to make their decisions for them? Because they know these men know what’s best for the country, their lives, and they will keep the others the hell out of our countries so we can live in peace and harmony?
We can go on living with division, with people who think they know what’s best, but that is a recipe for suicide. The best approach is a proven one–– give all power to our masters. Our betters. We must and should surrender to our overlords. They are the ones God put here to lead us. They are our de facto Moses who will lead us to The Promised Land.
A wise man once said too many cooks spoil the broth, and that’s what we see every day in America and Ukraine. Well– I, for one, am sick and tired of seeing angry people who don’t look like me demanding to be heard, bellyaching for equal representation and justice under the law. They even want free and fair elections, for crying out loud!
But aren’t those all outdated and fanciful notions? Aren’t those the exact recipe for anarchy and awfulness? Who needs it?!
I say it’s time we make a wise choice. The only choice, really. Give Europe to Putin, Asia to Xi, the Americas to Trump. These three wise men will rule our world. In the Bible, three wise men came bearing gifts for our Savior in the manger. And now, these three modern wise men come bearing gifts to save humanity.
Surrender, fools. It’s the only sensible thing to do. The game is over. Get in line. The disobedient will pay the price, and that price will be high, and paid in blood.
It’s time we bowed to our overlords and enjoyed their glorious reigns.”
Black people enjoyed full employment thanks to America’s generosity.
Because children are our most precious assets (after gold, Bitcoin, and Beyonce NFTs), The Republican Party has taken decisive action to protect kids from the terrible emotional damages caused by history books in school.
“We don’t want our little ones to feel guilt and shame,” says Kyle Eastman, the head of the Florida Concerned Parents Association. “And the current history books are very depressing––reading them sends our innocent children into horrific shame spirals. That’s just not right! So, we’ve done the good Christian thing and written American History books we believe will help our children learn about our glorious past and feel good about our bright future under President Donald J. Trump.”
Here is an excerpt from Eastman’s book OUR GREAT AMERICAN HISTORY OF SERVING GLORY TO GOD:
“Chapter 1: In the beginning, white people came to save America
Long, long ago, people called The Pilgrims got on ships in England and sailed across the ocean to a new land called “America.” When they arrived, The Pilgrims met The Indians who were very happy to see them because they did not know about God. When Thanksgiving came, the Pilgrims and Indians had a great feast to honor the Christian God, and a wonderful tradition began!
The Indians really liked the Pilgrims a lot and gave them the land they were living on. “All we ask in return,” they said, “are some small plots of land where we can live. And let us operate casinos. You can have the rest of America to make great.”
Chapter 2: White people helping black people
The Pilgrims were happy about their new gift, and they wanted to share the generosity that had been shown to them by the Indians. So, the new Americans went to Africa and saw poor black people struggling. The Americans asked the Africans if they would like to go to a land with lots of jobs and free room and board, and the black people said, “Sure, that would be great! Would you also please teach us about your Christian God?” The Americans agreed and the black people got on ships for a free ride to America.
And over time, lots more African people came to America because life here was so good!
Then the greedy British tried to steal America, but George Washington fought them, licked them but good, and sent them back home. Goodbye, England! Mind your beeswax!
Now America was officially our country, fair and square.
Chapter 3: Black people have lots of jobs, plus free food and housing
As time went on, more white people came over from Europe to live in America, and more black people enjoyed lots of jobs and free places to eat and sleep. Everything was going very well until an evil man named Abraham Lincoln became president. Lincoln wanted black people to lose their jobs, free food, and shelter. The good Christian people in the Southern states didn’t want that to happen. They wanted to keep feeding and housing the poor black people and allow them to enjoy their good jobs.
Chapter 4: Abe Lincoln destroys paradise
Lincoln became angry. Old Abe was a hothead! He did not believe in the rights of people––Lincoln wanted the government to make all the decisions for Americans. So, he assembled a big army and attacked the good southerners for no reason.
It was a bloody war with lots of dead soldiers, and Lincoln told all the black people that they could leave their jobs and homes and go wherever they wanted, even though they were thrilled with their good jobs and comfortable homes.
Lincoln ruined everything, and he paid the price when he got shot in the head. Later, some bad people would say ordinary good people should not have guns!!! Even though it says so in The Bible!!!”
WE DO NOT HAVE PERMISSION TO PRINT ANY MORE OF THE BOOK DUE TO NANNY-STATE COPYRIGHT LAWS.
The Republican National Committee Chairwoman Ronna McDaniel tells The Lint Screen, “Representatives Liz Cheney and Adam Kinzinger are dirty stinkin’ rats, and we must flush them out of our sewer.”
So, her group took action against them to show their repulsion. The RNC voted to censure Cheney and Kinzinger, the only GOP politicians sitting on The Democratic Party witch hunt called The January 6 Committee Investigating the Capitol Invasion.
