The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air lost his cool in Hollywood last night as Will Smith slapped Chris Rock for making a joke about his wife, Jada Pinkett Smith, who has a smooth dome due to alopecia.

The violent incident sent shivers around the world. United States Secretary of State Anthony Blinken immediately flew to Los Angeles to negotiate peace.

“Secretary Blinken dropped all his efforts in Ukraine,” a spokesperson told The Lint Screen. “The mass of humanity is on edge because celebrities are fighting. This madness must stop. The Secretary is worried sick that this thing could escalate into an all-out war in Hollywood. The last thing anyone needs is a nasty Twitter battle.”

Ukranian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy sides with Chris Rock in this quarrel.

“Comedy must have an edge,” he said. “Chris was making a joke, and Will Smith showed he is thin-skinned and a hothead. He needs to lighten up.”

Russia’s President Vladimir Putin disagrees.

“Will Smith was the victim of aggressive humor,” Putin said. “The only way Smith can restore honor and dispense justice is to kill Chris Rock and all of his relatives, friends, and associates. Will must act viciously and decisively to save the sanctity of being a Hollywood A-lister.”

50,000 NATO forces are on their way to Brentwood in case World War III breaks out over this slapping incident.

Gary Busey is in his bunker ready for all hell to break loose.

“I’m putting lots of lotion on my hands,” the toothy actor said. “I want my mitts to be good and smooth for slapping.”

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. Also available in audiobook. Click here for a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

Supreme Court nominee Ketanji Brown Jackson was grilled yesterday by South Carolina Sen. Lindsay Graham during her confirmation hearing. Here is a partial transcript of his interrogation.

LG: It says here that your name is Ketanji Brown Jackson. Is that correct?

KBJ: Yes.

LG: Kee-tawn-gee. That’s a funny name.

KBJ: My parents gave me the name Ketanji Onyika, which means “lovely one.” It’s an African name.

LG: African? Are you an African?

KBJ: No, Senator. I am an American. An African American.

LG: You’re black? I didn’t know that. I don’t see race.

KBJ: Yes, I am a black American, Senator.

LG: Wait just a doggone minute––you just told me you were African American. Wait–– are you related to Barack Obama? He was from Kenya, I believe.

KBJ: No, Senator, I’m not.

LG: You gave me two answers, so, which is it, are you a black American or an African American?

KBJ: I believe those terms are synonymous, Sen. Graham. They mean the same thing.

LG: I know what synonymous means. (HE SHUFFLES PAPERS IN FRONT OF HIM) I know lots of big words––heck, I know Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.

KBJ: That’s impressive, Senator.

LG: You’re darn tootin’, it’s impressive. Now tell me, Ketanji, why did your parents give you such a funny name, and not a good American name like Karen or Carol?

KBJ: I believe they wanted a girl’s name that reflected our family’s African heritage.

LG: Ketanji is a girl’s name? You mean you’re a girl?

KBJ: Yes, Senator. I am a woman.

LG: I don’t see gender. Thank you for that background.

KBJ: I’m a black American woman.

LG: Tell me if you believe in God, and how strong is your faith? On a scale of one to ten, one being you worship Satan, and ten being you love God with all your heart and you’d French kiss Jesus. Where do you fall on that scale?

KBJ: Senator, I’d rather not answer that question since there’s no religious tests in the Constitution.

LG: So, I see––you believe in the Constitution, but you don’t believe in God, or love Jesus. So you obviously hate America.

KBJ: I never said that Sen. Graham.

LG: (SMILING) Oh. Very clever, Miss Funny Name, I can see you’re a wily one, aren’t you? Okay, we’ll let you go on that one.

(LINDSAY CONTINUED FOR THIRTY MORE MINUTES THROWING SIXTEEN HISSY FITS)

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. Also available in audiobook. Click here for a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

Derek Crayton had read a lot about the Metaverse and its promise of an exciting virtual utopia, so he decided to experience it for himself. But instead of heaven, he discovered his definition of hell––being forced to sit through an endless PowerPoint Presentation.

“I thought the Metaverse was supposed to be one of the greatest features of technology,” Crayton told The Lint Screen. “I was pumped for the possibilities. I strapped on my VR headset, built my avatar–– I was a dragon with ballerina legs smoking a Sherlock Holmes pipe wearing a Detroit Tigers cap backward. I looked really cool, and I began strutting my stuff in the Metaverse. I was ready for adventure!”

What happened next is frightening, and if you are prone to panic attacks or hyperventilation, you should read no further.

“An avatar named Jerry suddenly appeared,” Crayton says. “He was wearing this cheap suit and a loud necktie. Jerry grabbed me and led me into a conference room. He sat me in a chair, and the next thing I knew, I was strapped to the chair with this device on my neck, forcing me to look straight ahead at this large screen. Then, my worst nightmare happened.”

Crayton begins sobbing as he recounts his horrific experience.

“Jerry started taking me through a PowerPoint presentation,” Crayton said, wiping tears from his face. “It was all about this timeshare opportunity he was selling. He said it was incredible–– I could stay at the best properties in the Metaverse for a fraction of the regular price. Jerry was a close-talker. He had terrible breath–– it smelled like garlic, sardines, and a dirty litter box. His voice droned on and on.”

The anguished man stops, his lips trembling, then Crayton continues.

“Just when I thought the presentation was over, Jerry had more slides,” Crayton says. “There were slides with lots of bullets, slides with one large word like ‘OPPORTUNITY’ and ‘VALUE’ and ‘AMAZING,’ and slides that had way too many words on them to read. But Jerry read every last damn word. He kept going. The Powerpoint was endless. I tried to escape, but I couldn’t. He started talking about MAGA Nation, and how Trump was cheated. The only way out was to sign a contract. After 31-grueling-hours, I finally broke. I gave Jerry my John Hancock on a timeshare contract.”

Crayton rubs his red eyes. “I couldn’t take it. I was weak. And now I’m losing money in a make-believe world. I feel like such a goddamn fool.”

Like Mark Twain famously said, “Virtual reality sucks.”

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. Also available in audiobook. Click here for a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go. 

Tucker Carlson, the enraged boy toy of Fox News and the most popular commentator in Russia, says it’s time we all surrendered to strong rulers.

The Lint Screen has obtained his upcoming commentary and reprints it here in its entirety. Read how the Tuckman lays out his case. Enjoy!

CARLSON: “Why are we so afraid of change? Is it human nature, or is it just our silly stubbornness? I think it’s high time we finally faced the hard, cold facts–– liberal democracies don’t work.

The problem with democracies is they allow too many voices to express their opinions. And too often, these opinions are from the wrong kind of people. You know the ones I’m talking about–– people who don’t look like you or me. It could be their skin color, or their religion, or their radical political beliefs. But they are ‘the others’, and they want to have a say in how we live our lives. They demand it!!!

This is dangerous, and because of their outrageous recklessness in stealing our American presidential election, loyal patriots like the ones on January 6th had to take decisive action. Good people were forced to storm The Capitol and beat the crap out of cops and other so-called authority figures who didn’t share our beliefs. Our values. They deserved what they got!

And guess what? The lamestream media tries to make these red-blooded, fair-skinned patriots look like they’re the bad guys.

But are they? Really? Why?

Is it because these brave patriots believe in strongmen like Donald J. Trump or Vladimir Putin? Because they want authoritarian, brilliant, charismatic leaders to make their decisions for them? Because they know these men know what’s best for the country, their lives, and they will keep the others the hell out of our countries so we can live in peace and harmony?

We can go on living with division, with people who think they know what’s best, but that is a recipe for suicide. The best approach is a proven one–– give all power to our masters. Our betters. We must and should surrender to our overlords. They are the ones God put here to lead us. They are our de facto Moses who will lead us to The Promised Land.

A wise man once said too many cooks spoil the broth, and that’s what we see every day in America and Ukraine. Well– I, for one, am sick and tired of seeing angry people who don’t look like me demanding to be heard, bellyaching for equal representation and justice under the law. They even want free and fair elections, for crying out loud!

But aren’t those all outdated and fanciful notions? Aren’t those the exact recipe for anarchy and awfulness? Who needs it?!

I say it’s time we make a wise choice. The only choice, really. Give Europe to Putin, Asia to Xi, the Americas to Trump. These three wise men will rule our world. In the Bible, three wise men came bearing gifts for our Savior in the manger. And now, these three modern wise men come bearing gifts to save humanity.

Surrender, fools. It’s the only sensible thing to do. The game is over. Get in line. The disobedient will pay the price, and that price will be high, and paid in blood.

It’s time we bowed to our overlords and enjoyed their glorious reigns.”

Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. Also available in audiobook. Click here for a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.