Justice Samuel Alito wants to control women’s bodies.
Supreme Court Justice Samuel Alito caused a sensation when the draft of his upcoming decision concerning abortion leaked earlier this week. Alito and four other conservative Supreme Court Justices are poised to make abortion illegal.
“It’s the right thing to do,” Alito tells The Lint Screen. “The federal government has no power over a woman’s body. Our forefathers didn’t say anything about abortion rights in the Constitution. It wasn’t an inalienable right like owning lots of guns and voting––providing you were a white male landowner. Hell, women didn’t even get the right to vote until 1920. And frankly, I’m not so sure that was a good idea. I may look into that.”
Alito believes that the decision was wrong to ban abortion, which has been the law of the land since the Roe vs. Wade decision in 1973.
“Roe vs. Wade said a woman has a right to her privacy and a right to choose,” Alito said as he took a chaw of tobacky. “Giving women rights is just not right. Do you think my little missy knows what’s good for her? No, sir. She needs to ask my permission for any decision. And I think that’s what our forefathers would have wanted.”
Alito also believes rape and incest victims must bear the child. “It’s not her decision if she doesn’t want the baby. It’s the father’s decision. And sometimes the father is her father. And everyone knows that father always knows best.”
Four other conservative judges agree with Alito’s decision. Justices Clarence Thomas, Neil Gorsuch, Brett Kavanaugh, and Amy Coney Barrett all believe women should do as they’re told.
“We all lied about believing Roe vs. Wade was settled law to get our way onto the Supreme Court,” said Justice Kavanaugh, as Justices Thomas and Gorsuch held his feet for a keg stand. “Now it is finally time to do the job we were sent here by The Federalist Society to do.”
Justice Barrett said she believes women need to know their place. “Let’s remember history. Eve was made from Adam’s rib. So, naturally, you have to stand by your man.”
Justice Alito doesn’t think there will be any blowback when his majority decision becomes official.
“Women won’t care about this ruling,” he says. “And if they do raise a stink, so what? The little ladies don’t vote.” He smiles. “Not for long anyway.” The smug man pauses. “And besides, I’m here for life to decide what’s best for them.”
1-3-22/ Rep. Jim Jordan: Mark– let the big guy know I’m ready to do whatever it takes to keep him in office. Also, tell him I love him more than my own family and will fight to the death to preserve his glory and prove my undying loyalty and sincere man-crush. And please remind him he promised he’d give me a Medal of Freedom. I deserve it.
1-4-22/ Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene: Yo,Mark, I am ready to rumble!!! Let’s overturn this stupid democracy and give THE GREAT ONE the keys to the kingdom. He deserves it! Please tell him I said that, and I am his biggest cheerleader!!! Btw, I’m that blonde lady from GA––the batshit crazy one.
1-5-22/ Sen. Ted Cruz: Hey, Mark, don’t forget to tell The Chief I am proud to have castrated myself in public, saving him the trouble. I’m a sniveling coward and ready to do whatever it takes to praise his glory, for he is The Chosen One. Tomorrow, we overturn the election!!! All Hail, TRUMP!
9:08 a.m.,1-6-22/ Rep. Matt Gaetz: Mark–– I’m so excitedtoday’s the day!!! Let’s run the damn Dems out of town, abolish voting, and install Trump as our LEADER FOR LIFE! Also, please tell him to pardon me if they make these pedophile cases stick.
10:11 a.m. 1-6-22/ Sen. Josh Hawley: Mark, what did The Big Man think of my fist in the air gesture to the crowd? Pretty awesome, right? Let him know I’m his boy… I’m happy to do whatever he says. And if Pence chickens out, maybe The Don would consider me as V.P. He knows he can always rely on me!
AT NOON, THE PRESIDENT INCITES AN ANGRY MOB AND INSTRUCTS THEM TO STORM THE CAPITOL “AND TAKE OUR COUNTRY BACK.” ALTHOUGH HE PROMISES TO JOIN THEM, HE INSTEAD GOES TO THE WHITE HOUSE FOR CHEESEBURGERS, FRIES, 7-LAYER CHOCOLATE CAKE, AND DIET COKES AS HE WATCHES HIS RAGING MOB ON TV AND CHEERS.
12:44 p.m., 1-6-22/ Sen. Chuck Grassley: Holy crap, Mark, The Boss was on fire! What a speech! I think he got my heart pumping again!!! I think he’s on the right side of history, and I couldn’t be prouder. Democracy has had its time… now comes TRUMP TIME… and I am pleased as punch to serve him! Let him know I said that, okay?
1:17 p.m., 1-6-22/ Sen. Lindsay Graham: Mark, please tell The Big Handsome Fella that I thought he was incredible (I confess I’m in love with the hunk––but I still like girls!). President Trump is so strong and powerful that it sends chills up my spine and curls my toes. Let him know I can’t wait until he’s in office 4-EVER! And if he ever needs someone to scrub his back in a bubble bath, I’d love to be of service. I’m a very good scrubber. ONWARD TO VICTORY!!!
1:21 p.m., Rudy Giuliani: All systems are go. Mark! Tell The Boss Man he did a great job with his speech, and the pissed-off rubes will take it from here. I’ll coordinate with Roger Stone, and we’ll get his deed done––democracy crushed like a grape, just like we promised!!!
1:29 p.m., V.P. Mike Pence: What the fudge, Mark! I saw there’s a gallows in front of the Capitol, and the crazy mob was chanting to hang me!!! Come on, Mark, gee willikers, you’ve got to talk to The President. I DON’T HAVE THE POWER TO STOP THE ELECTION BALLOTS! Please, Mark, I have a family! He threatened to “make them disappear” if I didn’t stop the ballots. FOR GOD’S SAKE AND MINE, TALK SOME SENSE INTO HIM!!!
1:38 p.m., Fox News Host Sean Hannity: Mark, are you seeing this? The crowd is beating on cops. That’s bad optics. Should I say it’s BLM? Antifa? Maybe do a segment about Hillary’s emails??? Let me know, I’m here for the cause.
1:48 p.m., House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy: Mark, we’re going through with this Electoral College ballot counting bullshit, and I don’t think Pence will do the right thing. If he doesn’t overturn the election, ask The Boss to consider me as V.P.––after we swing Pence from a noose. I’m ready to fill his shoes!
1:55 p.m., Sen. Ron Johnson: Mark, let THE BIG DOG know I am on the team! I’ll do WHATEVER IT TAKES to keep him in office. Would you do me a favor and see if maybe he’d consider me for V.P. I’d happily take a bullet for him!
1:58 p.m. President Vladimir Putin: Does that idiot have his phone on? I’ve been trying to get through to him for over 15 min. Tell him to call me on our private line. I have some new instructions.
1:59 p.m. Fox News host Tucker Carlson: Mark, let The Chief know I would be proud to give him his first interview as Emperor! I’m happy to be of service and will gladly do whatever it takes to stay on his good side. I love what he’s done with the crowd–– they are beating the hell out of cops and showing some real team spirit! I especially love the Viking guy. Nice touch!!! HERE’S TO VICTORY!!!!!!!
Stay tuned to The Lint Screen. We will feature the post-Capitol invasion emails in another dispatch. Thanks.
With the midterm elections approaching, the Republican Party has been adamant about not standing for anything other than the cult worship of disgraced twice-impeached ex-President Donald J. Trump, but that is changing. Now many candidates are proposing initiatives to arm all school-age children “with sufficient firepower to protect themselves from the Satanic evils of this world.”
“We got young uns thrust into cesspools of liberal elite teachers who hate God and eat infants,” says Tennessee Congressional Candidate Randy Pearling. “I don’t want our kids exposed to horrible things like critical race theory or American history that mentions slavery. That kind of stuff could make them feel awfully bad about themselves. That’s not going to stand if I’m elected.”
Pearling is advocating issuing Sig P365 subcompact handguns to all children.
“I’ve done a lot of weapons research,” Pearling tells The Lint Screen, “And I think the Sig P365 is the cream of the crop. It holds 10+1 9mm rounds, and its small size will fit comfortably in tiny hands that could be sticky from handling a PBJ at lunch. The Sig doesn’t have much recoil so that the small fries can discharge their weapons freely.” Pearling hikes up his pants and continues.
“If each of ’em has a Sig P365 in their backpack or their side holster, they’ll be ready to act fast if anyone starts thinking about a school shooting. I’ve always said the only thing that’ll take out a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun. And our kiddos are all good guys, even if they’re gals.”
Louisiana Congressional candidate Wendy Tempest also supports arming school children. “In my opinion,” she says, “we can’t teach our children about the importance of the right to bear arms soon enough. And I won’t stand for our precious little babes to get exposed to liberal shenanigans like teaching sex education, CRT, Black History, or the theory of evolution. They need to learn to stand up for their freedom and the Second Amendment. We can’t have our educators polluting their young minds, and if our kids are packing, by gumbo, they won’t!”
But Ohio Congressional candidate Roger Blackstone wants even more extreme measures. “Giving kids small handguns is all well and good,” he says, “but I think they need something with a bit more firepower. Since most school shooters are bringing AR-15s, I think every kid should get an AR-15. If it’s good enough for Kyle Rittenhouse, it’s good enough for our children. The standard AR-15 magazine has 30-rounds, but you can outfit them with after-market mags up to 100-rounds. When every child has that kind of muscle at their side, we won’t have any disruptions in our schools.”
Blackstone shakes his head. “Of course, if we do happen to have some problems, we’ll teach our kids about the power of thoughts and prayers.“
Sen. Chuck Grassley is spinnin’ mad at Rep. Madison Cawthorn for “dropping a dime” on him.
On a recent podcast, Rep. Madison Cawthorn of North Carolina made wild claims that caused Iowa Sen. Chuck Grassley’s banana hammock to get in a knot.
The 26-year-old Cawthorn said he had been invited to “sexual get-togethers” and seen leading elder statesmen of the GOP doing “key bumps” of cocaine. The young babe in the woods politician was shocked and dismayed by this illicit behavior of his overlords.
“Screw that goodie-two-shoes,” Sen. Grassley tells The Lint Screen. “See if we ever invite Cawthorn back to one of our sexy time bashes. I swear I’ll never pass him the lube or offer him the opportunity to hoover a line of blow off of a $5,000-an-hour hooker’s cleavage. The little turd can sit in the corner and suck his thumb watching while I bust a nut.”
Grassley calls himself “a rocking’ sockin’ sex machine” and claims to have a “stable” of women he satisfies sexually.
“”All the ladies love them some Grass-man,” he crows. “They say no matter who their previous lovers were, the grass is always greener in the Grass-man’s bed. I’m a jackhammer!”
Cawthorn has apologized to the GOP leadership saying he “may have overstated his case a little bit for dramatic effect” but that isn’t cutting it with the big wigs.
“If that punk Cawthorn thinks he’s getting invited to our wild orgy and drug blasts,” says an angry, bare-chested Sen. Mitch McConnell gently stroking a sheep’s hindquarters, “he’s got another thing coming.”
Sen. Lindsay Graham walks into the room wearing ass-less leather chaps and a lime green feather boa. “When’s the fun start, fellas? I’ve been a naughty boy and need a good spanking. Smack me ruby red, boys! I deserve it!”
Sen. Ted Cruz, buck naked except for an antelope’s head mask, says, “I got first dibs on the nasty boy. I’ll teach Lindsay a lesson but good.”
“You’ll have to wrestle me first, Ted,” says Sen. Ron Johnson wearing nothing but black support socks and a dusting of white powder on his nose and upper lip. “I got some oil, so let’s grease up and go, Teddie boy!”
Chris Rock reacts after getting slapped by macho man Will Smith.
The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air lost his cool in Hollywood last night as Will Smith slapped Chris Rock for making a joke about his wife, Jada Pinkett Smith, who has a smooth dome due to alopecia.
The violent incident sent shivers around the world. United States Secretary of State Anthony Blinken immediately flew to Los Angeles to negotiate peace.
“Secretary Blinken dropped all his efforts in Ukraine,” a spokesperson told The Lint Screen. “The mass of humanity is on edge because celebrities are fighting. This madness must stop. The Secretary is worried sick that this thing could escalate into an all-out war in Hollywood. The last thing anyone needs is a nasty Twitter battle.”
“Will Smith was the victim of aggressive humor,” Putin said. “The only way Smith can restore honor and dispense justice is to kill Chris Rock and all of his relatives, friends, and associates. Will must act viciously and decisively to save the sanctity of being a Hollywood A-lister.”
50,000 NATO forces are on their way to Brentwood in case World War III breaks out over this slapping incident.
Gary Busey is in his bunker ready for all hell to break loose.
“I’m putting lots of lotion on my hands,” the toothy actor said. “I want my mitts to be good and smooth for slapping.”
Sen. Graham is confused while questioning Ketanji Brown Jackson
Supreme Court nominee Ketanji Brown Jackson was grilled yesterday by South Carolina Sen. Lindsay Graham during her confirmation hearing. Here is a partial transcript of his interrogation.
LG: It says here that your name is Ketanji Brown Jackson. Is that correct?
KBJ: Yes.
LG: Kee-tawn-gee. That’s a funny name.
KBJ: My parents gave me the name Ketanji Onyika, which means “lovely one.” It’s an African name.
LG: African? Are you an African?
KBJ: No, Senator. I am an American. An African American.
LG: You’re black? I didn’t know that. I don’t see race.
KBJ: Yes, I am a black American, Senator.
LG: Wait just a doggone minute––you just told me you were African American. Wait–– are you related to Barack Obama? He was from Kenya, I believe.
KBJ: No, Senator, I’m not.
LG: You gave me two answers, so, which is it, are you a black American or an African American?
KBJ: I believe those terms are synonymous, Sen. Graham. They mean the same thing.
LG: I know what synonymous means. (HE SHUFFLES PAPERS IN FRONT OF HIM) I know lots of big words––heck, I know Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.
KBJ: That’s impressive, Senator.
LG: You’re darn tootin’, it’s impressive. Now tell me, Ketanji, why did your parents give you such a funny name, and not a good American name like Karen or Carol?
KBJ: I believe they wanted a girl’s name that reflected our family’s African heritage.
LG: Ketanji is a girl’s name? You mean you’re a girl?
KBJ: Yes, Senator. I am a woman.
LG: I don’t see gender. Thank you for that background.
KBJ: I’m a black American woman.
LG: Tell me if you believe in God, and how strong is your faith? On a scale of one to ten, one being you worship Satan, and ten being you love God with all your heart and you’d French kiss Jesus. Where do you fall on that scale?
KBJ: Senator, I’d rather not answer that question since there’s no religious tests in the Constitution.
LG: So, I see––you believe in the Constitution, but you don’t believe in God, or love Jesus. So you obviously hate America.
KBJ: I never said that Sen. Graham.
LG: (SMILING) Oh. Very clever, Miss Funny Name, I can see you’re a wily one, aren’t you? Okay, we’ll let you go on that one.
(LINDSAY CONTINUED FOR THIRTY MORE MINUTES THROWING SIXTEEN HISSY FITS)
