Disgraced twice-impeached ex-President Donald J. Trump couldn’t believe he possibly lost the 2020 Presidential Election to Joe Biden.

“I don’t know a single person who voted for Biden,” Trump tells The Lint Screen. “I was protecting democracy when I made plans for the military to confiscate voting machines after the election. I was still president until January 20, so I was within my rights to do that and get to the bottom of Biden’s evil coup against me. The American people wanted justice. That’s why so many patriots stormed the Capitol!“

Trump bristles at the notion that directing the confiscation of voting machines by the military was trying to overturn a free and fair election.

“There is nothing fair about me losing,” he says. “It was impossible for me to lose. I have never lost. Not once. Every business deal I ever did was the best. Every phone call I’ve ever made was perfect. Every woman I ever slept with said I was the most amazing lover they had ever had. An incredible lover, they said. Ivanka loves me more than life itself. Don Jr. wants to be just like his daddy, but he can’t. He’s a loser. And Eric, well, Eric wants to be either a cowboy or a fireman when he grows up, but that crazy kid loves me a lot too.”

Trump believes much of the blame lies with Mike Pence.

“If Pence had been strong,” the would-be-dictator says, “we could have avoided a lot of the trouble we had after the election. Like Biden taking over the White House. But Pence was a coward. He’s not a real man. Very weak. Mike didn’t save America. And now look at the awful problems we have––the worst economy in history, a horrible pandemic, big rats biting babies in their cribs, and hungry lions, tigers, and bears everywhere, killing people. It’s awful and disgusting. We’ve never seen anything like it. Sad. Biden’s a disaster.”

The con man is on tour whipping up support for his next attempt to take over the country.

“Only I can save America,” he says. “I can fix the economy, I invented the vaccine, I can tame rats and wild animals. Everyone says so. And once I get back in power, we won’t have to worry about rigged elections. I promise to get rid of voting machines and Mike Pence.”

That sounds like a winning campaign slogan.

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. Also available in audiobook. Click here for a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

As the January 6 Select Committee wades through seas of incriminating evidence, The Lint Screen is unearthing facts and exposing the truth! We have obtained a swatch of recordings from inside the White House living quarters of disgraced twice-impeached Ex-President Donald J. Trump while watching his coup attempt live on TV.

Here is our exclusive transcript.

DJT: Look at that! Every network’s showing how much my people love me! Go, guys, go! Beat the hell out of the goddamn cops. We’ve got to stop the steal and save America.

IVANKA: They love you, Daddy!

DJT: Everybody loves me, honey, babydoll, kitten. And I’ll tell you why Ivanka. It’s because I made America great again. I am the chosen one. It’s no wonder I had the biggest inauguration crowd ever.

ERIC: (SFX: DOOR OPENS) Hey, Pop, can I watch Sesame Street?

DJT: No. Not today, Eric. I’m watching all the angry people demanding that your father stays president.

ERIC: Are you really the president, Pop? I didn’t know that.

DJT: We’re in the White House, numbnuts. That’s where the president lives. Isn’t Big Bird teaching you anything, Eric?

DON JR: (SFX: DOOR OPENS) Hey, Dad, did you see all the violent rioters on TV? Oh, you got it on already. Isn’t it great? The pissed-off mob likes you a lot!

DJT: People love me, Don Jr. Hell, I’m the most popular president in history. Everyone says so. And every American wants me to be their leader for life. (PHONE RINGS) Who the hell’s call me during my show? Hey, Jimmie Jordan, are you watching this Capitol invasion on TV? Why not? What do you mean you’re hiding under your desk? Show some balls, Jordan, and find Pence. Get that coward to the gallows. My people got the noose ready. They’re waiting for him. Do it, now! Bye. (PHONE RINGS) Dammit, there’s another call…

IVANKA: You’re very popular, Daddy! Everyone loves you.

ERIC: Yeah, Pop! And I love you, too!

DJT: Shut up, Eric. Daddy’s talking on the phone. Christ, Cruz, what do you want? Where the hell are you? What? Why are you hiding in a supply closet? You’re supposed to be leading the Proud Boys to Pelosi’s office like we planned. Where’s Kevin McCarthy? Has that ass-kisser trapped Pence yet? You guys got to find Pence and hang him. I’m hanging up.

DON JR: Look, Dad! All the pretty flags with your name on them!!! They’re stabbing cops with your flags!

IVANKA: I have a sexy teddy with your name on it, Daddy!

DJT: I know you do, sweetie. And Daddy loves seeing you wear it. (PHONE RINGS) What?! Mike, is that you? Where the hell are you? Everyone’s looking for you. Why are you hiding? You’re the Vice President. Have you overturned the election like I told you to? Why not? You know Biden cheated. Uh-huh. So what if he had seven million more votes than me. They were all fake! What? Don’t give me any bullshit about the Constitution and carrying out the rule of law. The people want me. Come out of hiding, Mike. That’s a direct order! Hold on, Pence, I got Hannity on the other line…

ERIC: Mr. Hannity has nice hair. I’d like to touch it. Looks soft.

DJT: Sean, are you seeing this? Our plan’s working. The coup is successful! What?! Why the hell would I call them off? The rioters are doing a great job. What do you mean people are blaming my supporters for the invasion? Tell them it’s Black Lives Matter doing all the damage.

ERIC: I met a black man once. He scared me.

DJT: So what if there’s no blacks in the crowd of rioters–– say they’re all in whiteface! Right. It’s reverse racism. Get Tucker Carlson on that angle. And what the hell, you may as well toss Antifa in there with them. Yeah, Black Lives Matter and Antifa are behind everything. All the violence, cop beatings. (PHONE RINGS) Hold on, Hannity, I’ve got McCarthy calling…

DON JR: Paul McCarthy’s my favorite Beatle. He’s the cute one.

DJT: Kevin, have you got Pence? Why not? What the hell are all you RINOs doing? You mean to tell me you can’t find one lousy guy and hang him?! We had a plan, Kevin. Can’t you idiots do anything?

IVANKA: Daddy’s pretty upset. Maybe I should slip into my teddy.

ERIC: Hey, Ivanka, Don Jr., look at the new yo-yo trick I learned yesterday.

DJT: Jesus Christ, McCarthy, don’t give me excuses! Do I have to do everything around here? (SOUND OF THE PHONE SMASHING AGAINST THE WALL.)

THE TAPE STOPS.

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous ride across America with a circus in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

As the country braces for the first anniversary of the January 6th attempted coup to overturn a free and fair election, the pack of riled-up fools who participated are making plans to reunite and celebrate.

“We weren’t successful last time,” Dirk Pretmoore of Lubbock, Texas tells The Lint Screen. “But this time, we’re going to do more than just beat the hell out of cops, use American flags as weapons, and shit all over The People’s House.”

Pretmoore sent invitations to all the people involved in last year’s insurrection. “President Trump promises he’s going to be walking with us to the Capitol this time. And everyone knows he’s a man of his word. The president said he would march with us to the Capitol last time, but the Secret Service wouldn’t let him. I’m telling you, the goddamn deep state is everywhere!”

There will also be a special guest of honor this year: former Vice President and weasel Mike Pence.

“We really wanted Mike to join us at our last get together,” Pretmoore says. “This time, we’re going to welcome him with open arms because we’d love to have him hang with us. We’ve heard he’s a good hang, and we aim to find out. We’ll also see if he’s a swinger. I’ll bet his wife Karen knows. We’ll see for ourselves.”

There are also going to be many notable guest attendees.

“We’re going to have Joltin’ Josh Hawley and Creepy Ted Cruz,” says a smiling Pretmoore. “But that’s just the start. We’ll also have Kooky Kevin McCarthy and Racist Ronnie Johnson. We’ve even got Jimbo Jordan with molester Matt Gaetz. Along with Devin the Devil Nunes and Markie Mark Meadows.”

The Texan catches his breath and tries not to hyperventilate with excitement. He continues.

“We’ll also have Little Stevie Scalise, playing with Louie Louie Gosar and featuring Lindsay The Bootlick Graham. And because we’re not sexist, we’ll have both Republican sex kittens, Marjorie Taylor Greene and Lauren Boebert. I’m telling you what, the party of Lincoln will rise again like Phoenix, Arizona. It’s going to be something!”

This first anniversary of insurrectionists will be a celebration for disgraced twice-impeached ex-President Donald J. Trump that will be one for the ages. And maybe this time, Trump will win!

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous ride across America with a circus in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.