Sen. Mitch McConnell is confident he’ll soon be Majority Leader again.
In a 50-50 Senate, the stakes are high for dominance. Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell is drooling at the prospect of luring Democratic Senator Joe Manchin to Team GOP so he can rule the roost once again.
Manchin has torpedoed Biden’s Build Back Better plan, and McConnell smells blood in the water.
“I’ve reached out to Joe,” McConnell tells The Lint Screen, “and I think I may be able to get him to switch allegiances.”
McConnell has been hard at work putting together what he considers to be “an offer Joe Manchin can’t refuse.” The Kentucky man with the pelican chin smiles as he describes his offer.
“Right off the bat, Joe will get a $20 million signing bonus from Koch Industries,” Mitch begins. “But that’s just an appetizer. We’ve got an autographed copy of Donald Trump’s THE ART OF THE DEAL, and a framed photo of Trump’s inaugural crowd, the largest in history. The big guy will also share his private cell phone number, so Joe has a hotline to the big boss whenever he wants. Access is power. Especially from The Chosen One.”
The creepy old coot rubs his palms together.
“And since Manchin is a red-blooded West Virginian, we’ve got something to bring that blood to a boil.” McConnell grins. “If Joe comes over to our side, Marjorie Taylor Greene and Lauren Boebert will give him lap dances. The gals will dance with or without firearms––dealer’s choice! Joe can also enjoy a full-body oil massage from the healing hands of Ted Cruz and a galloping pony ride on the shoulders of Josh Hawley all over the Senate chambers. Rep. Jimbo Jordan will give Manchin one of his suit jackets, like new! But that’s not all. He’ll receive personal science tutoring from Mister Science himself, Ron Johnson. Manchin will also get to go to a kegler with Brett Kavanaugh–– and BK will perform his famous keg stand. It’s a classic move!”
McConnell begins chuckling.
“I honestly don’t see how Manchin can refuse this deal,” the crafty one says. “And I think Joe will make a move to the dark side and give me back the Senate. Then, we can get back to work and finish the job of destroying democracy and America.”
McConnell snaps the neck of an adorable puppy and smiles. “I feel good,” he chirps.
Mark “The Turd” Meadows helping with Trump’s planned coup attempt.
When Mark Meadows shared over 9,000 pages of documents to the House select committee probing the Capitol assault, he had no idea what a treasure trove of trouble he’d unleashed.
Here are the exclusive texts from The Lint Screen. ERIC T: Hey, Mark, there’s a bunch of people at the Capitol, and it looks like they support pop! Turn on the TV!!!
JOSH H: Did he like my fist in the air thing? Did he see it? Mark, please let him know I will do whatever it takes to serve him. Does the Bossman like ribs? I can send some great KC ribs, he’ll love them! Let me know.
SEAN H: Tell the BIG GUY to give me a call. I need to know what my angle is on this.
LINDSAY G: Mark, once we overthrow democracy, do you think the boss could give me a little one-on-one time? I want to get to know him better as a man! I’ve got a thing for strong, powerful men, and I honestly think we’d make a helluva couple.
JIM J: Mark, some guy just took a dump on the floor outside my office and smeared it on the wall. WTF! I thought these bastards were on OUR TEAM?
MELANIA: Mark, please give him the glass of Diet Coke I prepared. The one with arsenic. If you do this for me, I will be yours forever.
TUCKER C: Has the Prez mentioned my name? Does he still like me? Ask him if he thinks I should go back to the bow tie. Whatever he wants, I’m on board!
ROGER S: Let him know I’ve got a posse of Proud Boys. Tell me who needs some roughin’ up and ass kickin’? Let me know, I’m here for him and can’t wait to destroy democracy. Whatever it takes, I’m you’re man!
KEVIN M: Mark, please ask him if I’m putting too much pressure with my lips on his ass. I don’t want to bruise him. I only want to please.
DON JR: Mark–– would you ask Dad if I can get his endorsement for a run in 2024? I mean, if he’s still going to allow elections.
RUSH L: I’m watching the coup here in hell, and absolutely LOVING IT. Great work, Mark. Let Donald know I’m proud of him! Uh-oh, here come Satan again with that goddamn hot poker.
MIKE L: Ask His Highness if I can cover over for a pillow fight––I’ll let him win. HA HA HA! Just kidding. Seriously, Mark, does he even like me??? I love that big lug!
LAURA I: Tell him to stop this, Mark… or at least get some heavy reinforcements. We can’t lose this battle. It’s time to shit or get off the pot! (Don’t tell him I said that).
DEVIN N: Please tell Glorious Master I would love to head up his new media company. To get the job, I’ll give him what little is left of my soul.
IVANKA: Mark, tell Dad watching this insurrection is really turning me on. He’s so powerful–– what a stud! If he asks, let him know I can ditch Jared. Text me.
PAUL G: Hey, do you me want to rat out where Nancy and AOC are? Lemme know, Mark. Happy to help. Anything for The Chosen One!!!
RON J: This is fantastic! Tell the big guy I will do whatever it takes to prove my loyalty. BTW, does he know who I am?
RUDY G: Mark, ask him if I can come over and crash. This is better than the Super Bowl. I’ll bring some chips and dip.
MARJORIE TG: This thing is going like clockwork, but these cops are fighting us. Would you ask him to fire them IMMEDIATELY?
TED C: Tell El Jefe I said I always thought democracy was very overrated. I’m getting hard watching this on TV.
ERIC T: Hey, Mark–– would you do me a solid? PLEASE?!!! Ask Pops if he could bump my allowance $20 a week. I want to start saving for a new Schwinn.
BRIAN K: ASK PAPA BEAR IF HE’LL BE OUR SPECIAL EXCLUSIVE GUEST TOMORROW ON FOX AND FRIENDS. HE CAN ISSUE DICTATES, READ HIS ENEMIES LIST, HOLD EXECUTIONS––WHATEVER! WE’D LOVE TO HAVE HIM!!! HE’S ALWAYS RATINGS GOLD.
BILL B: Hey, Mark, tell him I’d like my old job back once he’s the ruler. He can trust me this time! I’m serious!!!
VLAD P: Comrade Meadows, tell him I said, “Excellent job. I am most proud.”
SEAN H: Hey, Mark–– what about using an Antifa angle? They’re behind this. Oh, and Black Lives Matter too!!! And the liberals!!! I’ll start working on it.
MELANIA: Is he still living? If so, why? Don’t you love me, Mark?
STEVE S: MARK—SEND IN THE NATIONAL GUARD, WE’VE GOT TO STOP THESE DAMN CAPITOL COPS. THEY’RE RUINING EVERYTHING!!!
MIKE P: Hey, Mark, buddy––do you think he’s still mad at me? Tell him I’m sorry and will make it up to him.
“I couldn’t be happier,” weaselly Nunes told The Lint Screen. “I can’t wait to help Donald Trump create a firestorm of dangerous misinformation and disinformation. We’re going to be working with China and Russia to take down America.” The slime ball smiles. “I’ve done everything I can in Congress to destroy democracy, and now I can do it from the big stage.”
“The boss says he won, so he won,” Nunes says. “And it’s my job to help him create a social media network where he can air white grievances and victimhood and scare the hell out of people with lies. Our objective is simple. We want to destroy democracy and get voting rights out of the hands of all ‘the others.’ We must do whatever it takes to place our Chosen One into his throne for life.”
Once Trump has his propaganda megaphone, Nunes believes he can create the anger and hatred necessary for a MAGA revolution.
“Our people have the guns,” Nunes says, repeating his master. “And what happened on January 6 was nothing compared to what we have planned. We will feed our followers whatever bullshit we have to so they’ll revolt and put the boss in charge of everything. We need a dictator like Trump. There is too much freedom in America, and that’s a big problem. Donald Trump is our god, and we shall worship him.”
Financial regulators are looking into the filing to place Trump Media & Technology Group on the stock exchange.
“Those government idiots won’t find anything,” Nunes says. “This social media grift is bulletproof.” The slug of a human smiles. “The only thing saving democracy from the coming Trump takeover is a thin blue line–– and that’s the Democrats. So I like our odds.”
Kyle Rittenhouse is dead. The 18-year-old may have gotten off free for traveling over state lines and gunning down a couple of people in Kenosha, Wisconsin, but he also lost his identity along the way.
“I’m very excited about this,” the newest Trump tells The Lint Screen. “Rittenhouse was an okay name, but it didn’t have the branding value of Trump. I mean, you see that name on buildings, emails, everything!”
“There is no stronger brand,” the proud new papa Donald adds. “Trump is the biggest name in the world, probably even the universe–– if we could ever get illegal aliens visiting our planet to admit it. But they won’t.”
The newest Trump has not met his brothers or sisters yet.
“I’m looking forward to meeting them,” Kyle says.
“Don’t get your hopes up,” his new father quips. “They’re not so hot. Don Jr. is scum, not a good hunter like you, Kyle. He needs big rifles to kill wild animals. Eric is a contact embarrassment, and disappointment. Not very good at anything. Ivanka’s hot, but she’s stingy with the affection. And the other ones, I don’t remember their names, but let’s just say they’re not that memorable. I blame the mothers for all the kids. None of them live up to me. I hope Kyle will.”
“I’ll do my best, Pop!” the young killer coos.
“Everyone wanted Kyle,” the big fat Trump says. “That cockroach Matt Gaetz, old fart Paul Gosar, and gunslinging Lauren Boebert, but none of them are as good at media whoring as I am. That’s why I’m proud to call him Kyle Trump.”
The new Trump began balling like a baby. His new father slaps him.
“Quit crying. kid,” DJT says. “The jury found you innocent. The show’s over.”
Tough guy Gosar thinks Americans are getting weak.
Rep. Paul Gosar (AZ) is angry with President Joe Biden, and he may tweet a cartoon about it.
“Biden is trying to ruin America with his stupid infrastructure plan,” the kooky lawmaker tells The Lint Screen. “Old Joe says we’re going to repair roads and bridges, but what he’s really trying to do is destroy Americans’ pride in their country. There’s not a damn thing wrong with our roads and bridges. This country’s perfect the way it is, and anyone who says anything different is a commie traitor in my book.”
Gosar rolls up his sleeves and explains.
“Look, even if a bridge did happen to collapse, are you telling me any red-blooded American couldn’t save himself and his family?” Gosar shakes his head in disbelief. “What are we becoming, a nanny state? We expect the government to wipe our butts and burp us? This infrastructure bill is absolute insanity.”
The Republican tough guy punches his fist into his hand. “Biden says we’re even going to replace lead pipes. Why? Isn’t lead part of a good diet? I think this whole socialist plan of his is designed to make tough Americans as soft as fancy hotel toilet paper. And that’s what Biden’s going to do, flush the American dream down the toilet.”
Gosar fancies himself a superhero when he sends out an anime of him killing Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and preparing to attack cartoon Joe Biden.
“That cartoon was just a little fun,” Gosar says. “I still believe in rugged American stuff like attacking women and old men. There’s nothing wrong with that, is there?”
Spineless weasel Rep. Mark Meadows scurries to hide from accountability.
It appears some people are above the law.
Trump’s last chief of staff, Mark Meadows, failed to appear for a Friday deposition before the House select committee investigating the January 6 insurrection.
“I don’t have to do it,” Meadows boasts to The Lint Screen. “I’ve got my head so far up President Trump’s ass that I can see his lungs and out his pie hole. And since I don’t recognize Joe Biden as having won the election, President Trump has given me immunity from any prosecution because he has unlimited power.”
Meadows, who had a spine and shred of character once upon a time, has morphed into a pitiful Trump sycophant and cheerleader. A blemish on the face of humankind.
“I think the president may be the greatest human who ever lived,” Meadows chirps. “And that includes Jesus Christ. Sorry, dude, you were good. I mean, you were a good guy and your miracles were pretty amazing. But let’s face it, Son of God, you didn’t do as much for humanity as Donald J. Trump did. I shall have no false gods before my savior, Donald Trump!“
Congressional subpoenas mean nothing to Mark Meadows.
“Screw Congress,” he says. “What do they know about the law? Their subpoenas don’t count. I can do whatever the hell I want. I’m friends with the leader of the free world. And once the boss is back in the big house, I can impose my will on anyone with armed goon squads. President Trump said so. He rewards loyalty, and I’m going to do whatever it takes to prove myself his little bitch boy.”
Meadows laughs. “Laws are for pathetic commoners. I’m royalty. You can’t touch me!”
