Freedom lovers are showing up in cemeteries to announce their love of freedom.
“I still think this Covid thing is a hoax,” says Wilbur Manson, hooked up to a ventilator in a Memphis hospital ICU. He begins coughing, then catches his breath and continues. “And I sure as hell wasn’t getting a vaccine, no sir. You don’t know what that Fauci guy put in it. Could be alien sperms.” He wheezes. “And I am not going to be no slave to wearing a mask. I’m no sheep.”
The 52-year-old-man stopped talking as his heart monitor flatlined. His widow began sobbing. “Damn you, Joe Biden! You killed my husband!”
Later, when asked why she blamed the president for her husband’s death, she explained.
“If Biden hadn’t stolen the election from Trump, this never would have happened.” She wiped her eyes. “Wilbur didn’t get sick until Biden got in the White House. It’s all his fault, and I’ll never forgive him for killing my husband.”
The famous state slogan of New Hampshire, Live Free or Die, has been re-written by anti-vaxxers as Live Free, And Die.”
Bounty hunters are preparing for open season on pregnant women.
In the old west, the marshal would round up a posse to chase and track down dirty no-good varmints who broke the law. In Texas, the same thing happens as bounty hunters and vigilantes begin tracking down pregnant women seeking an abortion.
“Gov. Greg Abbott and the Texas Republican legislature have called open season on ladies,” an excited Hank “Tex” Crayton tells The Lint Screen. “They’re offering $10,000 a head on fillies trying to abort their babies. When I heard of the big reward, boy howdy, I was thrilled. I quit my job at the 7-Eleven and am now pursuing a new career hunting pregnant ladies. It makes me feel right proud knowing I am helping bring unwanted kids into this world.”
Tex says he thinks the competition will be fierce for ratting out women seeking abortions.
“I suspect there’s a lot of folks like me,” he says. “Patriots who want to make sure women don’t do the wrong thing and get a $10,000 jackpot.”
Pete Rexrod is another excited Texas bounty hunter.
“I live in a huge apartment complex, so it’s going to be like shooting fish in a barrel,” he says. “I’m keeping tabs on all the ladies who have men visitors because I read that men got seeds in their wieners, and they plant those seeds in women, and that’s where babies come from. The whole story about storks delivering babies is a liberal lie to mislead the public. Anyway, those girls with lots of male visitors are high on my suspect list. And once I catch a lady looking for an abortion, I’ll be ten grand richer.”
Not everyone is excited about the new law.
“It’s creepy as hell,” says Cindy Hesserman, a 28-year-old divorcee. “I’ve got all these weird guys following me like I’m some leprechaun who’s going to lead them to a pot full of gold at the end of the rainbow. I’m afraid they will give me COVID. They don’t wear masks or get vaccines because they want to exercise their freedom. But they want to rob me of my Constitutional right. Thanks, Gov. Abbott, you colossal horse’s ass. Mind you own damn business!”
GovernorCandidate Larry Elder says hewas cheatedout of his election.
Those damn Democrats are at it again!
First, they cheated disgraced twice-impeached ex-president Donald J. Trump out of his re-election to a second term, and now, they are cheating conservative talk show host Larry Elder out of his election to the California Governorship.
“Gavin Newsom is a big fat cheater,” Elder told The Lint Screen. “I suspect there will be boatloads of fake ballots from China unloaded and counted in this recall election. Newsom is doing all sorts of stuff to stack the vote in his favor. I am going to call in the Cyber Ninjas to investigate. They are the warriors of truth!”
Even though there are over 40 candidates running in the election of California Governor, should Newsom be recalled, Elder says, he is undoubtedly the front runner.
“If this were a fair election, I would win hands down,” Elder says. “I checked with President Trump, and he says I would have won easily, just like he won in a landslide back in November. But Biden cheated him, and now Newsom is cheating me. The president assured me I won in a landslide, just like he did. We’re both big winners, but we’re getting cheated! I’m telling you, the Republican Party can’t get any breaks with elections. We always win! Everyone knows that!”
“I don’t care what the election results say,” Elder says. “I am moving into the governor’s mansion in Sacramento and will be ruling over California. And I’m going to enact an abortion law like in Texas because that’s what my citizens want! Women want men to control their bodies and make decisions for them. I know this, and I will be the greatest governor in California history!”
After effectively eliminating a woman’s right to choose after six weeks and turning the population into money-hungry bounty hunters, GOP Texas lawmakers propose a new bill that would severely limit a woman’s right to free speech.
“Texans love their women,” says rep. Barry F. Lunkin. “Most of us had moms who were of the female persuasion. But we also know womenfolk are prone to saying things their men may not want to hear––like we’re drinkin’ too much, want a bunch of sex from them, or have our loaded weapons lying around the house where the kids can find them. We know the ladies probably feel guilty about running their mouths all the time riding us like they’re trying to break a wild mustang, so we’re going to help them.”
In a proposed law written by Lunkin and a few of his GOP associates in the Texas legislature, women must remain silent unless addressed directly by a man.
“I think it’s a darn good law,” Lunkin tells The Lint Screen. “It’ll give the little ladies some time to think before they run their yaps. All of us men agree that women talk too much, and it gets on our nerves something fierce. This law will make it easier for us to love and care for our little fillies because they won’t be driving us nuts with their jib-jabbering all the time. Gov. Greg Abbott is crazy about the legislation and is itching to sign it into the law of the land.”
Lunkin believes his new law coupled with the recently enacted anti-abortion law will go a long way to bring peace to the battle of the sexes.
“When a man needs his woman, he’ll let her know,” Lunkin says with a smile. “And when he’s done with her, she can get back to being quiet––going to work at the Walmart, minding the young uns, or rustling up some grub. This new legislation will make every woman’s life easier because she won’t have to have any small talk or babble on about every little thing under the sun. We want Texas to be heaven for women, and we’re going to do everything in our power to make that happen.”
Lunkin tips his ten-gallon hat and strolls into the sunset depicted on the wallpaper in his office. He bumps his head and swears.
Sen. Ray Wills says every life is precious, even ones created as a result of rape.
Boy, howdy, if you want an abortion, you better not be in Texas.
The Texas state senate passed the restrictive Senate Bill 8, and Gov. Greg Abbott signed it into law. The U.S. Supreme Court recently declined to review its Constitutionality, meaning there are effectively no abortions in Texas six weeks after conception.
“A man’s seed is sacred,” says Texas State Senator Ray Wills of Laredo. “It doesn’t matter if the fetus was the result of incest or rape; we’ve got to protect a man’s property harbored inside a woman. Rapists got rights, too, you know. If we allow women to kill their babies willy nilly, who is going to inherit the world? SB 8 protects a man’s property.”
Wills explains the punitive action any Texas citizen can take against a woman seeking an abortion after six weeks.
“Anyone involved with helping a woman get an abortion will be in deep doo-doo,” Wills tells The Lint Screen. “It doesn’t matter if it’s a family member, abortion counselor, medical professional, whoever–– if you help some lady get rid of her fetus, you’ll get sued for at least $10,000 plus the legal fees. This law makes every Texan a bounty hunter, so we can spy on women and see what sort of sneaky shenanigans they’re up to.”
The Texan pauses and strikes a contemplative pose.
“Listen, I fully support the rights of women,” he claims. “That’s why I supported our troops in Afghanistan. They were trying to stop the abuse of women at the hands of the Taliban, a pack of religious fanatics. And as a devout evangelical Christian, I believe we must protect our Texan women from making the wrong choice for their bodies.”
He pauses. “This law’s a big deal,” the blowhard senator says. “We must protect the rights of babies, and we cannot have their incubators–– women–– threatening their lives. Babies need to be delivered, whether they’re wanted or not, and the women must become their mommies. Then, both need to pull themselves up by the bootstraps and make their way in life without government assistance. Handouts make people weak, and we don’t want that. We got to save our tax money for essential things like oil subsidies.”
The Texan politician believes the new abortion law is a win-win for everyone.
“SB 8 protects fetuses,” he says with a smile. “And it protects the men who made them. I think all the little ladies will be happy us menfolk made this law to prevent them from making a mistake they will regret for a lifetime. We don’t want them worrying their pretty little heads on matters like what freedoms they got. We’ll decide that.“
“Ted Lasso’s a total disaster,” Trump tells The Lint Screen. “He’s very weak. His wife is divorcing him, so that tells you he’s a loser. Only losers get divorced. Then Ted Lasso gets a job in England as a soccer coach, and he tries to save face by calling it ‘football.’ Everyone knows it’s really soccer. America is the only place where we play real football, a macho sport where big tough guys pat each other on their butts after good plays.”
The MAGA man doesn’t understand how anyone likes Ted Lasso.
The blowhard doesn’t understand the popularity of Ted Lasso.
“It’s dangerous that people like a disgraceful guy like Lasso,” Ivanka’s daddy says. “When I get reinstated, I’m going to make sure that show won’t be broadcast again. Ted Lasso is making America weak. I’ll make it strong again.”
A servant entered and informed Mr. Trump it’s time for his manicure/pedicure. The orange blob grinned and wobbled out the door.
