The gossip rags are abuzz with the blockbuster news that ex-first daughter Ivanka Trump has dumped her disgraced twice-impeached ex-president daddy like last Sunday’s garbage.

“I’ve had it with him,” Ivanka tells The Lint Screen. “That orange-faced clown lost to Joe Biden and then was so inept he couldn’t even lead a successful coup to stay in power. He’s a big, fat loser! A two-bit grifter con man. And a lousy kisser.”

The vivacious blonde was very close to her father.

“We had a pretty special thing for a long time,” she confesses. “Daddy always complimented me–– even back when I was in diapers. He’d say, ‘No one fills a Pampers like you, babe.’ Then, he’d pat my butt, wink, and laugh. As I grew up, he showered me with jewels, designer shoes, the latest fashions–- whatever I wanted. And of course, he gave me a great job in the family business. I mean, if he had those dolts Don Jr. and Eric on the payroll, he’d better hire me! We all had lots of perks, tax dodges, money under the table. My father was always my sugar daddy.”

The proud perv ex-prez liked to keep his little girl close to him.

“Daddy took me to first little princess dance,” she says, “and every school social function, including my prom. We went on a lot of romantic dates. Most people thought it was odd– a father being so close with his daughter– but Daddy said he loved spending time with younger women. He was hanging out with that Epstein guy a lot.”

Ivanka said her decision to break relations with her father was not difficult.

“Donald Trump’s not president anymore, so what the hell can he do for me?” she says, shaking her head. “Daddy’s the boss king of Mar-a-Lago––big f-in deal! What’s that going to get me? A slice of ‘beautiful chocolate cake?’” She laughs and tosses back her blonde mane. “And Daddy’s so damn cheap, he wouldn’t even comp the cake. He might give me a five or ten percent discount.”

The ambitious daughter says she has big plans for her post-White House career.

“I’m going to be re-entering New York high society,” she announces. “I know so many New York socialites who have missed me. They will welcome me back with open arms and lots of air kisses. I’ll be the belle of Manhattan before you know it. New York City loves all things Trump, especially when they look fantastic like me.”

Ivanka has no remorse about leaving her father behind.

“He still has that witch Melania,” she says. “She’s on his payroll, but I’m going to cash in on my incredible popularity and celebrity. Absolutely everyone loves Ivanka. I’m a bigger brand than Donald Trump ever was!”

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Anyone who knows ol’ Billy Boy Barr will attest to the fact he’s a straight shooter and calls ’em like he sees ’em!

The former Attorney General dropped by The Lint Screen offices and delivered a scathing indictment of his former boss, disgraced twice-impeached ex-President Donald Trump.

“It’s amazing to me that scumbag Trump received 75 million votes,” Barr relays as he shakes his chubby meathead and reaches for a donut. “I’ve always said Donald Trump is the lowest possible form of life. The man is the worst of the worst. I’m amazed anyone could believe or trust him. The guy’s always been a con man. Look at Trump University. For God’s sake, New York state shut down his charitable foundation for stealing funds earmarked for helping kids with cancer. What’s lower than that?”

Being a man of impeachable integrity, Barr says he wouldn’t stand for Trump’s shenanigans. He finishes his donut, swallows, and reaches into the donut box for another.

“I served as AG for about two years,” Barr says, “and the things I saw would make your blood boil. Trump told so many lies, broke so many laws, it was incredible. I kept thinking, boy, someone should really take him down. If only there were an organization dedicated to the rule of law, wouldn’t that be something?”

Alas, Barr’s hands were tied.

“Many of us in the Cabinet talked about how awful Trump was,” Barr says. “He’s like a mob boss, but not as nice or smart. The president just kept scamming and grifting. He had his family on the government dole, was shaking down his supporters. Trump’s army of administration and security people stayed at his properties on his endless golf trips so he could charge them a fortune–– all on the taxpayers’ dime. He even tried to extort the Ukraine president out of earmarked funds, which was fine with his Republican sycophants. Oh well, what are you going to do? No one was in charge of enforcing the laws, and Robert Mueller didn’t prove there was any hanky-panky in the 2016 election––Trump told me that himself, so I repeated it.“

Barr shakes his head in disgust. He shoves the donut into his face hole and grabs another.

“The real tragedy is when Trump couldn’t lie his way out of a raging pandemic, tens of millions of Americans needlessly lost their lives. What a doggone shame that was. If only there had been some way to remove him from office before then.”

The ex-AG confesses his snapping point came when Trump wanted him to prove election fraud.

“I’d had enough,” Barr says, sitting erect in his seat. “Trump, Rudy Giuliani, and the My Pillow Guy had all these cockamamie conspiracy theories about how Trump was cheated out of the election. They said many Trump ballots were changed to Biden by magical gnomes, the Dems fed Trump ballots into paper shredders, Biden’s votes came from outer space––you name it, they claimed it. The Donald asked me to prove all their bullshit claims. I said, ‘Sir,’ I said, ‘I have my sterling reputation to uphold.’ And I left his administration. But not before I wrote him a glowing letter of praise for his greatness at being a leader. It’s unbelievable how some people want their egos stroked endlessly. Trump’s so needy.“

Barr believes history will look kindly on him.

“I think if it weren’t for me, Trump would have been pretty disastrous as president,” Barr says, rising from his chair, brushing donut crumbs from his lapel. “I’m glad I was able to save America and democracy. And aside from that little hiccup of the Capitol skirmish on January 6, I think it was a soft landing, thanks to me.”

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General Mark Milley may be the chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, but that meant bupkis to many Republican representatives on Capitol Hill.

“I’m not impressed with that guy,” Florida Rep. Matt Gaetz said following his grilling of the General before the House Armed Services Committee. “I don’t think he loves our country, not like I do with my incredible patriotic service in Congress.”

Colorado Rep. Lauren Boebert was agitated after watching Gen. Milley’s performance.

“He just sat there with all these fancy medals on his chest,” she says as she cleans her Barrett .50 caliber rifle. “Big flipping deal. He should get a medal for betraying the white race because that’s what he did!”

The Republicans are in a heated lather because of Milley’s stated belief that the military should be “open-minded” and “well-read.”

“Milley says he wants to understand white rage,” Georgia Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene tells The Lint Screen, slapping a fresh clip into her Glock. “Doesn’t he have a television? Hasn’t he ever watched Tucker Carlson or Sean Hannity? There are two white guys listing their grievances and victimhood daily. They’ll explain to the good General why they’re victims, minorities got it easy, and society’s out to get them. You want to know what causes white rage, General Milley? Educate yourself, G.I. Joe––watch some Fox News! You’ll see how the Satanic, baby-eating Democrats cheated Trump out of his re-election and ruined our Trump democracy.”

Rep. Boebert nods her head in agreement as she loads her weapon.

“The military is exposing our troops to books critical of the white race,” Gaetz says. “These books blame white people for things like the little slavery misunderstanding. Why on earth does the military need to know anything about the history? I say grab a weapon and defend our country. That’s your job, military. Leave the white race bellyaching to liberals and college eggheads.”

Gaetz loads his hair with fistfuls of product, brushes it back, and continues.

“The General said he wants to know more about what happened on the January 6 Capitol tour,” Gaetz says. “What’s there to know? We had some visitors, they wanted to discover how Biden rigged our election, they did some investigating, looked for the traitor Mike Pence, then they went home. Any questions, soldier boy? Enough of this looking in the past! Let’s prosecute the Capitol police officers who exceeded their authority by attacking harmless, innocent, patriotic visitors to the Capitol Building.”

Gaetz takes a deep breath and exhales, exasperated. “Let’s stop the charade of the Capitol tour on 1-6 being a horrible incident. It wasn’t. The liberals are trying to make it a big deal, but everyone knows they don’t support law and order or our military. Only the Republicans support law, order, and the military!”

He pauses and stares at the reporter. “Do you know if General Milley has any granddaughters?” He smiles. “I’m happy to babysit.”

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Russia’s President Vladimir Putin says, “The United States should allow freedom of expression” and drop all charges against the hundreds of looney Trump loyalists who invaded the Capitol Building on January 6.

“I told Biden to chill out, dude,” Putin told The Lint Screen. “I think the U.S. government overreacted to a few peaceful demonstrators. Your country should be ashamed of itself and stop prosecuting people who were merely expressing themselves through trespassing, vandalism, assault, killing, theft, and defecation. Lighten up, people!”

Putin claims a similar invasion on the Kremlin would not result in arrests and prosecution.

“We encourage our people to speak freely,” the Russian leader claims. “I would have invited those with a difference of opinion to sit and discuss their views with me. I love a good debate. Debate makes both sides stronger. Why does the United States fear this? If such a thing as insurrection happened in Russia, we would give the people a parade. Your country should do the same.”

Putin believes the protestors were justified in their insurrection.

“They love Trump, I love Trump,” Putin says. “He was a great president who always put his country and people first. By far, he was the greatest American President. Then Joe Biden stole the election from him. That is not right, so patriots came to his defense. What’s wrong with that? I agree with the Republican politicians who are calling on the government to stop the witch hunt.”

When asked about his country’s imprisonment of opposition leader Alexei Navalny, Putin rolled his eyes.

“Alexei is not in prison,” Putin says. “He is very fearful of bears, so he built himself a small house with many bars on the windows and doors. Navalny makes me laugh with his silly antics.”

With that, the Russian President punched our reporter in the skull, threw him to the ground, and sprinkled Novichok powder on him.

“Sweet dreams,” he quipped, walking away.

Oh that, Vlad, you are such a prankster!

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Since April 23, Cyber Ninjas have been hard at work to prove election fraud in Maricopa County, Arizona, and now the team of crack crackpots says they have their results: An unanimous victory for Republican Donald J. Trump.

“We went through a recount of all 2.1 million ballots,” says ‘Chubby’ McGuire, Cyber Ninja #1, “and although it was a heck of a lot of work, it was worth it. After we disqualified the fake Biden ballots and re-allocated the voters’ real intentions, we can confidently declare President Trump received 100% of the votes. It was a landslide victory, just like he said!”

McGuire is proud of the efforts of his group.

“The Cyber Ninjas did a bang-up job,” McGuire reports. “I think every Arizonan and American can feel confident we got to the truth. If we saw a ballot marked for Biden, we knew something fishy was going on. So we proved it came from China, Italy, or outer space. These space aliens are very clever, and they don’t want President Trump making America great again.“

‘Chubby’ says the most challenging task was determining voter intent.

“Our people did find some ballots marked for Biden,” McGuire tells The Lint Screen. “When we’d find one of these, we’d flag it. Then we’d take those ballots to Madam Claire, one of the most gifted psychics in Phoenix. She waved her hands over the ballots and declared the voters intended their votes be cast for Donald J. Trump. So naturally, we had to put those votes in his column. Thank God we have people like her to help us with the very scientific process we use in unearthing cheating in elections.”

The stout election super sleuth says he wants to get disgraced twice-impeached ex-President Donald Trump back into office as soon as possible.

“Once we get Trump back,” McGuire says, “I hope he shuts down all these silly elections. Otherwise, we’ll run the risk of more incidents like January 6. Patriots aren’t going to stand by and allow democracy and the will of certain people to disrupt this great country. We can’t have people like Biden in office. I say Trump is emperor for life, and I have 2.1 million ballots that agree with me.”

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There’s a big showdown happening in Texas, and Gov. Greg Abbott aims to clean up the state.

“I’m sick of these yellow-bellied liberals,” Abbott told The Lint Screen. “Our state Republican representatives presented many ways to make voting better for Texans, and the lazy Democrats up and walked out on them in protest. I’m sick and tired of dealing with those crybabies, so I’m proposing a whole new simpler voting law everyone’s going to love.”

Abbott has created what he calls “a predictive voting system” to save his citizens time.

“Texans are busy people,” Abbott says. “They can’t just drop everything and go wait in lines to vote in some silly election. Well, I’m going to take the work out of voting. We are going to pre-fill all the damn ballots. I proposed a similar idea months ago, but it didn’t happen. But now I know sure as the sun comes up that my citizens want good God-fearing Republicans representing them, so all candidates with an “R” by their names get the vote.”

Abbott laughs. “What’s not to like about that?” he asks. “It’s automatic, it’s easy, and there’s no pussyfooting around. This is the only way we can be sure we don’t get a bunch of bellyaching Democrats or Independents in office and mucking up the works for everybody.”

The Texas Governor spits on the ground. “That’s what I think of these non-Republican traitors trying to destroy our state and America,” Abbott says in disgust. “They wanna investigate the Capitol liberation on January 6? Well, to hell with them. Get over it. And if they don’t want Donald Trump to be our president, then go and find someplace that wants your liberal ass. Everyone knows Biden stole the election. We need The Chosen One! We can’t have a bunch of crazy socialists robbing us of our freedoms and democracy.”

Gov. Abbott smiles. “Once we get my new simple voting law passed in Texas, we can get the boys in Washington to pass it as a national law. If we don’t stop the liberal loonies who want to vote as they like, we’ll never save America!“

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Read PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous ride across America with a circus in the early ’80s. This book has earned 100% 5-Star reviews on Amazon. Act now and save during pandemic pricing. You’re a click away from a fun, unforgettable ride. Buckle up and go.