Congressional Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy (R-CA) says he “is usually sharp as a tack,” but for some reason he can’t recall where he was on January 6, 2021.

“They tell me there was a little brouhaha inside the Capitol Building,” McCarthy told The Lint Screen. “I don’t know anything about that. I was nowhere near Washington D.C. on that day.”

When asked where he was, the lawmaker squirms in his seat, and mops his slick brow.

“That’s a good question,” the congressman says. “I might have been back in my district. Or, traveling, working to get peace in the Middle East. I’m not sure. I’ll have to check my calendar and get back to you, but I know I wasn’t in Washington.”

McCarthy says he is unaware of the insurrection and attempted coup in the Capitol Building on January 6 by manic supporters of disgraced twice-impeached President Donald J. Trump.

“I’ve heard the Democrats are trying to make a little skirmish seem like the end of democracy,” the tall Californian says. “Of course, liberals hate everything President Trump did to make America great again, so I guess it’s natural they want to paint him as the bad guy. I’m sure the Capitol thing was very minor.“

McCarthy said he trusts his inner circle of trusted compatriots.

“I’ve talked to Marjorie Taylor Greene, she’s always rock solid,” McCarthy says. “She said it was all good, no trouble. The same with Matt Gaetz, a very honorable guy. I’ve also spoken with Ron Johnson– who is dependably spot on in his analysis. He said it was Antifa and Black Lives Matter, had nothing to do with Trump. And Jim Jordan thinks it was simply a little misunderstanding. I’ve also heard from Ted Cruz, and that handsome senator from Missouri, Josh Harley. They both hadn’t heard anything about Capitol trouble. And, I got confirmation from the man with a backbone of steel, Lindsey Graham. He said it was nothing. They all tell me January 6 was a quiet day.”

McCarthy wrings his hands and continues. “Of course, I’ve also talked with President Donald Trump, who is always a paragon on honesty and unbiased analysis. He said it was just a few patriots protesting a stolen election.”

The silver-haired politician shakes his head.

“I wish I had been in the Capitol on January 6, then I could speak with total authority,” McCarthy says. “But since I wasn’t here, let’s rely on the trustworthiness of some good, honest, God-fearing, cop-loving, Republicans to tell us the truth. There is absolutely no need for any investigation. That’s just politics played by the socialists hellbent on destroying our country.”

He pauses. “Then we need to get down to business and prove Biden stole the election.”

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“The Party of Lincoln” no longer has Lincoln.

The ghost of Abraham Lincoln, the 16th President of the United States of America, has had enough. “I can’t take these damnable liars anymore,” Lincoln told The Lint Screen appearing in our offices. “Today’s Republican Party is a contemptible amoral pack of craven, cynical hypocrites, and I won’t have them sully my good name any longer.”

Lincoln said he was hoping the GOP would come to its senses after disgraced twice-impeached President Donald Trump lost his re-election bid.

“It was an opportunity for good people to purge their evil spirits. But instead, these fools follow that horse’s ass, Trump, like he’s a god,” said the bearded ex-prez. “I’ve never seen anything so pathetic and disgusting. Donald Trump claims he won the election. How is that possible? Does he add numbers differently? Biden got over seven million more votes. It is ridiculous. As I once said, ‘No man is good enough to govern another man without that other’s consent.’ The people spoke clearly at the ballot box- they do not want Trump. Still he persists in his lies and pursuit of power. The man is a liar, an enemy of truth, the likes of which we have never seen before.”

Honest Abe was especially incensed as he witnessed the Capitol insurrection on January 6th.

“I used to say, ‘America will never be destroyed from the outside. If we falter and lose our freedoms, it will be because we destroyed ourselves.’ And that is what we witnessed as angry mobs stormed our government in hopes of overturning a free and fair election. They wanted to kill the vice president and all who stood in the way of Trump remaining in office. Now, these so-called Republicans wish to deny reality. They want to rewrite history. Trump and his followers are enemies of democracy. And that is the danger of this tribe, for as I’ve said many times, a house divided against itself cannot stand. There is but one reality, and it is not the one Trump wishes would be.”

Lincoln’s ghost shook its head in disgust.

“It is as if our tragic Civil War never occurred. Have we forgotten the rivers of millions of brothers’ blood spilled on American soil to ensure freedom for all– the fight to protect the proposition that all men are created equal? I believe some have forgotten or wish to ignore for these so-called Republicans are working to restrict voting rights. They wish to measure freedom by placing their finger on the scale of fair elections. These wretched people are like Trump, their master– they are cheating bounders. To quote me yet again, ‘Those who deny freedom to others deserve it not for themselves, and, under a just God cannot retain it.’“

Lincoln sighed, then his weathered face transformed into a slight smile.

“I reckon I was not too poor with the turn of a phrase. I shall leave you with one more for contemplation. ‘To hell with Trump and his acolytes. We must purge these enemies within, and I will not allow them to do their insurrection in my name. Lincoln out!’”

And with that, Lincoln’s ghost flipped a bird and vanished in a puff of smoke.

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Just when you thought the Republican Party couldn’t go any lower, the lying bastards get on the express elevator and hit the down button.

Yesterday, members of the GOP took to their shovels and began spreading bullshit everywhere. Rep. Andrew Clyde from Georgia told a Congressional hearing on the January 6 insurrection on the Capitol Building, “It wasn’t an insurrection. Heck, if I didn’t know better, I would have thought those folks were tourists strolling through the Capitol taking pictures. They were well behaved and polite. I think some were meditating. Many of them were probably looking for cotton candy machines or candy apple vendors. Like Ron Johnson said weeks ago, I didn’t feel afraid at all, not like I would have had they been members of Black Lives Matter or Antifa. Those folks are scary!”

Although five people died due to the Capital insurrection at the hands of Donald Trump supporters, Republican representatives denied any wrongdoing from the angry mob.

Rep. Pat Fallon (R-TX) told The Lint Screen, “the Democrats are making a mountain out of a pimple on a gnat’s butt.” He explained, “January 6 was a blip. Nothing. But we’ve got traitors like Liz Cheney acting like it was bad. It was just some patriotic Americans exercising their rights to defecate in the Capitol, hang the Vice President, stop a free and fair election, destroy property, and trespass into politician’s offices, taking a few souvenirs as keepsakes. Don’t we call the Capitol ‘The People’s House?’ Well, these were just some guests returning home. We should be more welcoming to our constituents.”

Rep. Paul Gosar (R-AZ) agrees the entire incident was overblown. “It’s all the fault of the Democrats. If Joe Biden hadn’t cheated President Trump out of his second term, none of this would have ever happened. We’re going to expose Biden’s cheating in Arizona. You watch our recount. We’ll catch the dirty rats!” Gosar shook his head. “Biden ought to be ashamed of himself for his underhanded behavior against an honorable man like President Trump.”

And then there’s Rep. Ralph Norman (R-SC). He questioned how Attorney General Merrick Garland could even think there was any wrongdoing on January 6. “Garland and his deep staters are off on another witch hunt,” Norman declared. “These liberals are hellbent on trying to smear President Trump’s good name just because he’s The Chosen One. And everyone knows they hate God and America.“

These words triggered Rep. Jody Hice (R-GA). “All these socialists bellyaching should be apologizing to President Trump,” Hice whined, his arms flailing like an Inflatable wind puppet. “Trump was making America great again, and they couldn’t stand it. Tell you what I think– I think democracy ain’t working anymore. We need a strong leader like Trump back in the Oval Office to show us the way. And like Putin, he should be president for life. We need more good people like Donald Trump in Washington.”

Rep. Jim Jordan (R-OH) smiled. “Those are my boys,” he said. “And they might get themselves a medal for their incredible loyalty to our fearless leader.“

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In the stillness of the Arizona night, if you listen closely, you will hear the voice of John McCain’s ghost saying, “I like my presidents to be winners.”

But his spooky spirit doesn’t stop the voter fraud sideshow the state of Arizona is putting on for disgraced twice-impeached ex-President Donald J. Trump. Despite voting recounts and official election certification, the state’s GOP sycophants have insisted on another unofficial recount to fuel Trump’s unfounded wild claims he won the election. Even though the history books already attest to the don of Mar-A-Lago’s 10,457-vote loss to President Joe Biden.

“We’re going all out,” says Arizona Republican Party Chair “Scooter” Willis. “We got Cyber Ninja’s doing scientific research into finding the bamboo Biden ballots flown in from Asia. But that’s just the beginning. Now we’ve also hired a team of skilled gypsy psychics who will look into the past and tell us how the liberals and the Antifa and BLM mobs stole the 2020 presidential election. The gypsy ladies say they can see the past as good as they can see the future, so I’m confident we’ll catch the cheaters. If you can’t trust psychics, who can you trust?”

Willis is confident he will get to the bottom of the 2.1 million votes cast in Maricopa County.

“The whole election was a charade,” Willis claims. “I’m on the horn daily with President Trump, and he tells me he’s confident he won Maricopa by at least 2 million votes. I believe him because he is the Chosen One, and without a doubt, the greatest leader we’ve ever had. We’re going to do whatever it takes to expose Biden’s shameless cheating. We are even looking into false ballot-sniffing dogs.”

“I saw a whole lot of cheating going on,” says Maggie Festoon of Phoenix. “I was watching, and lots of folks were going into the voting booth and drawing the curtain so nobody could see what they were doing. What are they trying to hide? I don’t believe for one minute that President Trump lost. Everyone loves him. He was a big TV star, you know!”

“Liz Cheney sure doesn’t help the situation,” says Burt Yancifal of Scottsdale. “She’s always flapping her yap and calling our rightful president a loser. Hells bells, if he lost, why did we have so many patriots fighting for American justice on January 6? Those folks were brave, and here she is waving a white flag instead of a blue Trump flag. I say string that damn woman up. She is a traitor to everything today’s GOP stands for.”

The stupid search continues as the ghost of John McCain shakes its head in shame and wonders what the hell happened to his pal Lindsey Graham.

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“Liz is paying the price for refusing to get along,” House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy told The Lint Screen regarding his Republican Party’s decision to banish Wyoming Representative Liz Cheney. “We can’t have radicals like her causing an insurrection inside the Capitol.”

“Cheney has one of those Jew laser beams,” Georgia Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene said. “I’ll bet she helped Fauci, Soros, and Streisand make COVID-19. I know she helped Gates with the transmitters and alien eggs in the vaccines.”

Wisconsin Rep. Ron Johnson becomes red-faced at the mention of her name. “That Cheney woman is cancer on America’s soul. She keeps telling her lies and saying the January 6 get-together was a bad thing. That’s outrageous! How can she find fault with the patriots wanting to right the ship? And if she can’t admit Donald J. Trump is our rightful president for life, well, she is beyond saving. Good riddance to her– we’ll see where having a backbone gets her!”

Sen. Ted Cruz also piled on. “Liz Cheney is the kind of person who would desert her constituents in a crisis. She’s not a team player.”

“I hate her,” said Ohio Rep. Jim Jordan. “If Cheney doesn’t think Biden stole the election, her treasonous betrayal could rock our entire democracy. President Trump told us he won in a landslide, and if she won’t believe the president from her party, the man who is The Chosen One, she is a clear and present danger to society.”

“Cheney is worse than Satan his own self,” Sen. Lindsey Graham declared as he fanned his sweaty face with a silk butterfly-pattern hand fan. “If she is going to insist on her slavish dedication to outdated notions like truth, integrity, and principles, today’s GOP has no place for her.“

“I always avoided Liz Cheney like acne,” Florida Rep. Matt Gaetz said. “She’s way too old. I wonder if she has any daughters or granddaughters.”

“Liz is a bad person,” twice-impeached disgraced ex-President Donald Trump said. “Very bad. She’s a member of Antifa and Black Lives Matter. Everyone says so. Do they still have that noose they made for Mike Pence? I’ll bet it would look great on Liz.”

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Tucker Carlson is a fearless journalist who believes in the sanctity of freedoms promised Americans by The Constitution. What follows is an opinion piece that aired on Carlson’s popular Fox News show. The Lint Screen reprints this rant; readers will have to imagine hearing these words in the whining voice of Tucker.

TUCKER: Our forefathers were pretty smart men. They were all white men, by the way. This was before the politically correct days of affirmative action, tokenism, and filling quotas. And before the virtue signaling of diversity.

What those white men wrote in our Declaration of Independence and Constitution guaranteed every American many freedoms. These sacred freedoms are granted by God to his favorite people living in his favorite country. And one of those freedoms is the freedom of choice.

So why is it liberal parents refuse to adopt these freedoms? Why do the socialist lefties insist on keeping others under their oppressive rule?

I’ve pointed out the outrageous tyranny inflicted on the children of Democrats who enslave their children with pieces of cloth strapped over their little faces and noses. The socialists say their masks are for protection against Fauci’s fake COVID-19. But I say they are muzzles to freedom!

As I said recently, if you see a child subjected to imprisonment in a mask, CALL THE COPS IMMEDIATELY! Those parents are abusing their children, and these evil adults deserve to be locked up.

But here’s another outrageous restriction on the freedoms of the children of liberals– telling them what to eat!

Yes, in many lunatic leftist homes, the Marxist parents demand their children eat vegetables. Vegetables! Some parents demand their kiddies eat their veggies before they serve them dessert. Can you imagine? Eating forkful after forkful of hateful vegetables, while choking back your tears and vomit, just because some Biden-lover feels superior and wants to push you around. It’s criminal.

And get a load of this– in this looney liberal world, potato chips, Fritos, and Doritos aren’t considered vegetables. Not vegetables? The last time I looked, potatoes and corn were grown in vegetable fields. Go try telling potato and corn farmers they’re not growing vegetables. I’ll bet they’ll give you a punch in the mouth for your stupidity.

This cruel behavior by leftie parents begs some basic questions. Don’t their children have rights? Don’t they have the same right to freedom of choice as any other American? Can’t they decide what’s best for them without being told by the abusive nanny state?

Then why on earth should these innocent children be forced to live under the oppressive rule of their dictatorial parents?!

The answer? They shouldn’t!!!

When I was a kid, I hated vegetables. Most God-fearing patriotic children don’t like vegetables. Why should they? They taste bad. Vegetables are yucky. The family dog, who eats anything, won’t even touch veggies.

Yet, we have all these radical Antifa and BLM people who can’t wait to push around someone smaller and less powerful. So they demand their children eat vegetables.

Here’s my advice to these poor, pitiful children of liberals– DON’T DO IT!

Grab your iPhone and call the cops. Tell the police your parents are abusing you, or touching you, or making you rip pages out of the Bible. Get the cops to come over and take your parents away in handcuffs. And kids, once the big bad bullies out of the picture, you can have all the ice cream, cake, and candy you want.

And here’s the best part– with your oppressive tyrants out of the way, you can go to bed whenever the hell you feel like it!

Listen up, kids of libs, you are just as American as anyone else. You don’t need to live under the rule of dictators. Call the cops, bust your old man and old lady, and start enjoying the freedoms our forefathers wanted you to. Freedoms guaranteed by God!

God doesn’t care about political correctness or woke behavior. He cares about your freedoms!

And don’t forget– empty your piggy banks, search for Mommy and Daddy’s money, and pledge it all to The Trump Defense Fund. Joe Biden cheated him out of his re-election, but once President Trump gets back into office he’ll help you maintain your freedoms! Including the right to bear arms.

And kids, take it from the Tuck-man, real guns are a lot more fun than play guns.

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Read PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous ride across America with a circus in the early ’80s. This book has earned 100% 5-Star reviews on Amazon. Act now and save during pandemic pricing. You’re a click away from a fun, unforgettable ride. Buckle up and go.