Tucker Carlson is a fearless journalist who believes in the sanctity of freedoms promised Americans by The Constitution. What follows is an opinion piece that aired on Carlson’s popular Fox News show. The Lint Screen reprints this rant; readers will have to imagine hearing these words in the whining voice of Tucker.

TUCKER: Our forefathers were pretty smart men. They were all white men, by the way. This was before the politically correct days of affirmative action, tokenism, and filling quotas. And before the virtue signaling of diversity.

What those white men wrote in our Declaration of Independence and Constitution guaranteed every American many freedoms. These sacred freedoms are granted by God to his favorite people living in his favorite country. And one of those freedoms is the freedom of choice.

So why is it liberal parents refuse to adopt these freedoms? Why do the socialist lefties insist on keeping others under their oppressive rule?

I’ve pointed out the outrageous tyranny inflicted on the children of Democrats who enslave their children with pieces of cloth strapped over their little faces and noses. The socialists say their masks are for protection against Fauci’s fake COVID-19. But I say they are muzzles to freedom!

As I said recently, if you see a child subjected to imprisonment in a mask, CALL THE COPS IMMEDIATELY! Those parents are abusing their children, and these evil adults deserve to be locked up.

But here’s another outrageous restriction on the freedoms of the children of liberals– telling them what to eat!

Yes, in many lunatic leftist homes, the Marxist parents demand their children eat vegetables. Vegetables! Some parents demand their kiddies eat their veggies before they serve them dessert. Can you imagine? Eating forkful after forkful of hateful vegetables, while choking back your tears and vomit, just because some Biden-lover feels superior and wants to push you around. It’s criminal.

And get a load of this– in this looney liberal world, potato chips, Fritos, and Doritos aren’t considered vegetables. Not vegetables? The last time I looked, potatoes and corn were grown in vegetable fields. Go try telling potato and corn farmers they’re not growing vegetables. I’ll bet they’ll give you a punch in the mouth for your stupidity.

This cruel behavior by leftie parents begs some basic questions. Don’t their children have rights? Don’t they have the same right to freedom of choice as any other American? Can’t they decide what’s best for them without being told by the abusive nanny state?

Then why on earth should these innocent children be forced to live under the oppressive rule of their dictatorial parents?!

The answer? They shouldn’t!!!

When I was a kid, I hated vegetables. Most God-fearing patriotic children don’t like vegetables. Why should they? They taste bad. Vegetables are yucky. The family dog, who eats anything, won’t even touch veggies.

Yet, we have all these radical Antifa and BLM people who can’t wait to push around someone smaller and less powerful. So they demand their children eat vegetables.

Here’s my advice to these poor, pitiful children of liberals– DON’T DO IT!

Grab your iPhone and call the cops. Tell the police your parents are abusing you, or touching you, or making you rip pages out of the Bible. Get the cops to come over and take your parents away in handcuffs. And kids, once the big bad bullies out of the picture, you can have all the ice cream, cake, and candy you want.

And here’s the best part– with your oppressive tyrants out of the way, you can go to bed whenever the hell you feel like it!

Listen up, kids of libs, you are just as American as anyone else. You don’t need to live under the rule of dictators. Call the cops, bust your old man and old lady, and start enjoying the freedoms our forefathers wanted you to. Freedoms guaranteed by God!

God doesn’t care about political correctness or woke behavior. He cares about your freedoms!

And don’t forget– empty your piggy banks, search for Mommy and Daddy’s money, and pledge it all to The Trump Defense Fund. Joe Biden cheated him out of his re-election, but once President Trump gets back into office he’ll help you maintain your freedoms! Including the right to bear arms.

And kids, take it from the Tuck-man, real guns are a lot more fun than play guns.

——————————————————————–

Read PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous ride across America with a circus in the early ’80s. This book has earned 100% 5-Star reviews on Amazon. Act now and save during pandemic pricing. You’re a click away from a fun, unforgettable ride. Buckle up and go.

House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy continued his revisionist history tour following his appearance on Chris Wallace’s “Fox News Sunday” show. The Trump fanboy popped into The Lint Screen offices on Monday and babbled like a drunk baby.

“The liberal media has it all wrong,” McCarthy said. “Donald Trump was a perfect leader on January 6. He was very concerned about the people who thought Biden stole the election from him. We all know that it was impossible for Biden to win after the president was so far ahead on election night. But somehow he did.”

The Californian representative flails his arms.

“Those Trump supporters in Washington on January 6 were concerned about our democracy. What kind of a crazy country would we have if President Trump lost? So the president told his people he would look into the matter. He said he’d walk with them to the Capitol Building and ask Mike Pence to save our democracy. But then, the president’s bone spurs suddenly acted up, and his doctors demanded he recuperate in The White House. Which is what he did, thank God!”

McCarthy claims what happened at the Capitol was liberal theatre.

“Most of the bad apples in the protesters were Antifa, and Black Lives Matter radicals dressed like MAGA folks,” McCarthy claims, as perspiration beads on his forehead. “Trump people respect law and order, and liberals don’t. The president watched all the evil shenanigans on TV while he cared for his deadly bone spurs. And after a couple of hours, the president took decisive action and filmed a video asking his supporters to stand down. He told his people the truth– that he had been cheated out of re-election. He’s the victim here, everyone knows that. While Trump supporters weren’t doing anything wrong, the president didn’t want them to get blamed for the antics of the angry liberals. But that’s what happened.”

The politician reaches into his breast pocket and takes out a handkerchief. He dabs his eyes and blows his nose.

“I think when you look at everything that happened on January sixth,” McCarthy says earnestly, “you can’t help but come to one conclusion– President Trump was brave, heroic, and presidential. He’s our greatest leader and showed his steel backbone in standing up to the injustices of the fake news media.”

An associate enters the room and hands McCarthy a towel. The GOP leader’s face is slick with dripping sweat, and he begins sopping it up with the towel in his trembling hands.

“And that’s the honest to God truth,” McCarthy said. He tosses the soaked towel to his associate. “Hey, is it hot in here, or what?”

——————————————————————–

Read PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous ride across America with a circus in the early ’80s. This book has earned 100% 5-Star reviews on Amazon. Act now and save during pandemic pricing. You’re a click away from a fun, unforgettable ride. Buckle up and go.

The Republican Party is hard at work suppressing voting rights and now also shutting down protesters.

Florida Governor Ron DeSantis tells The Lint Screen, “protests are un-American and against freedom of speech” and must stop.

“Liberal bellyachers are ruining everything,” the guv says. “They bitch and moan and cause traffic jams by being out in the streets and causing a commotion. I say, let’s just run over these protesters with cars and get on with our lives! Busy people pulling themselves up by their bootstraps have places to go.”

GOP lawmakers in 34 states have introduced 81 anti-protest proposals during the 2021 legislation session.

“Look at how Black Lives Matter protesters have ruined life in America,” DeSantis says as he shakes his head (96% of BLM protests were peaceful). “BLM anarchists tried to disrupt President Trump when he went to get his picture taken with the Bible in front of a church. That’s not only un-American. It makes Jesus cry! President Trump is the man making America great again, for crying out loud, they should have been cheering him on.”

But not all protesters are created equal, DeSantis says.

“The patriots who rallied on behalf of President Trump on January 6 at the U.S. Capitol shouldn’t be arrested. They should be commended,” DeSantis claims. “Yes, they were protesting, but they were protesting against an unfair election that was awful. Biden cheated President Trump out of his second term, and Trump’s supporters were upset because they love their country so much they couldn’t stand to see a crazy socialist take it over.” DeSantis looks down, his eyes getting teary. He wipes his peepers and continues.

“The crowd was very peaceful on January sixth. The Trump people wanted to discuss the matter intelligently with their elected politicians, but the Capitol police escalated the whole situation, and the liberal media blew it out of proportion. The fake news tried to make these patriotic Trump protesters look like villains. Unbelievable. It’s incredible how hypocritical some people can be.”

Many speculate DeSantis may be posturing for his presidential run in 2024.

“That’s outrageous,” the governor says with a dismissive chuckle. “My man is, and always will be, Donald J. Trump. He is the chosen one. The greatest leader of all time.” The Floridian drops to his knees and looks toward Mecca (Mar-A-Lago). Gov. DeSantis rises, dusts off his knees, and speaks in hushed tones.

“Of course, if the chosen one were to deem me a worthy disciple, I would do whatever he asks. The Republican Party has always been a group of independent thinkers who only want law, order, and justice for all.”

——————————————————————–

Read PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous ride across America with a circus in the early ’80s. This book has earned 100% 5-Star reviews on Amazon. Act now and save during pandemic pricing. You’re a click away from a fun, unforgettable ride. Buckle up and go.

Donald J. Trump claims, “I could have played pro baseball. Every major league team wanted me. I was a natural, like Robert Redford in that movie. I forget the name of it.” That was then.

Now, the disgraced twice-impeached ex-president is telling his rabid cult base of gullible loonies to boycott baseball.

Trump is angry because Major League Baseball pulled the All-Star game from Atlanta after Georgia initiated numerous voting restriction laws.

“It’s a disgrace what baseball did,” Trump says. “And a disgrace how weak Brian Kemp and the Georgia GOP was in their new voting laws. Minorities will still be allowed to vote in Georgia, so they completely failed. A total disaster. Georgia was in on the steal, and I’ll never forgive Kemp and Ratsburger, or whatever the hell his name is, for costing me the election.“

The self-proclaimed “Victim-in-Chief” still claims he was cheated out of the 2020 presidential election.

“Joe Biden robbed me,” Trump says with a straight face. “Everyone knows I should be president. I won all 50 states, won all of them in a landslide. I was ahead by 800 million votes on election night. But the next morning, somehow Biden won! It was ridiculous. Biden stole the election. Then, when patriots went to the Capitol on January 6 to calmly talk about election irregularities, the fake news media paints them like they’re the bad guys. It’s awful, an absolute disaster what these liberals are doing to America. Now the liberals are sticking needles into millions of Americans. Joe ought to be ashamed of himself.”

Trump wants his people to boycott major league baseball and many other American institutions.

“Baseball canceled us,” Trump says, “then Coca-Cola, Delta, Apple, and other companies came out against the Georgia voting laws. I’ve also heard many mothers are against the voting laws. So we need to cancel them too, and the apple pies they bake because we don’t know what’s in those pies. It could be Apple computer chips or drugs that make people think Biden won the election. I say be safe, people– stick with good old-fashioned all-American foods like borscht and Beluga caviar.”

Trump believes he can right the many wrongs made against him.

“People need to send me money, now,” Trump says. “Give me your bank account and credit card numbers. With that information, we can stop the steal, and I can get back into office and continue doing my fantastic job of making America great again. I was definitely the greatest president of all time. Everyone says so!”

The porky ex-prez gives his signature thumbs-up, then wobbles out of the room.

——————————————————————–

Read PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous ride across America with a circus in the early ’80s. This book has earned 100% 5-Star reviews on Amazon. Act now and save during pandemic pricing. You’re a click away from a fun, unforgettable ride. Buckle up and go.

Florida Rep. Matt Gaetz is a familiar presence on conservative TV networks, and with his recent acts of Christian kindness, he’s sure to become even more popular.

Today the Republican Congressman told The Lint Screen he plans to reach out and help the youth of America with a new plan for revitalizing education in high schools.

“I think high schools are making math too hard on students,” the big-toothed slick-haired man said. “So I’m going to lend a helping hand. I am offering my services to female high school students who need some help with their algebra or geometry homework. I’ll help them study and cram for tests or finals if they need it. Whatever it takes, I want them to know I am here for their success.”

When asked why he is only offering his services to high school girls and not boys, the Congressman became agitated.

“I’m helping girls because of culture!” he said. “There’s a prejudice against females in mathematics, and it shakes the confidence in girls. People don’t think girls are as good in math as boys are. That’s not right! I am here to battle that stigma, to give the girls a helping hand, a shoulder to lean on as they make their way through the minefields of math.”

Gaetz also wants to introduce girls to the dangers of alcohol.

“Too many girls wait until they go off to college to experience drinking,” the man in a shiny suit said. “Because they are curious and inexperienced, these girls engage in binge drinking, which is very dangerous. Even deadly! I plan to give my girls small doses of malt liquor to relax and ease the anxieties they might be facing about their futures. I can also get them special identification cards that will enable them to experience bar culture firsthand.”

Gaetz said he has always had a keen interest in helping young people.

“I like to say the youth of America is are our future,” Gaetz smiles. “And I’ll do whatever it takes make their transition into adulthood special and memorable.”

——————————————————————–

Read PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous ride across America with a circus in the early ’80s. This book has earned 100% 5-Star reviews on Amazon. Act now and save during pandemic pricing. You’re a click away from a fun, unforgettable ride. Buckle up and go.

Donald J. Trump claims Joe Biden stole his presidency.

“It was disgraceful,” the reviled twice-impeached ex-president told The Lint Screen. “I had the biggest election victory in history– winning all 50 states and getting over 800 million votes. But Biden somehow won. Sleepy Joe’s crooked, and I was cheated out of re-election. I had MAGA patriots who tried to right the wrong, they wanted justice, but the stupid Capitol cops shut them down. Now the deep state is trying to arrest and prosecute these loyal citizens because they love Trump and America. It’s very unfair.”

But you cannot keep a good grifter down. Trump and his family are tooling up for his 2024 presidential election bid by introducing a radical new way to raise election funds.

“I call it Tithe for Trump,” prez 45 says. “It’s based on a scam that religions have used for a long, long time. You get your flock to take 10% off the top of everything they make and send it directly to you. Since I don’t trust my MAGA people, I’m collecting their credit card and bank account numbers. That way, we’ll do the hard arithmetic for them. It could be ten percent, or, forty, fifty, up to eighty percent– we’ll decide their level of generosity. That makes it easier for them.”

“It’s a super fantastic wonderful program, Daddy,” the vivacious Ivanka gushes.

“Of course it is honey,” the proud papa coos. “I thought of it all by myself.”

“I think it’s one of your best ideas ever,” Eric Trump chirps.

“Be quiet, Eric,” the father admonishes. “Remember what I said about keeping your mouth shut.”

“Yes, Dad,” the poor boy says, hanging his head in shame.

“I think we’ll make a mint, Pops!” Don Jr. says. “We’ll line up the sheep for the sheering!”

“Shut up, Donnie,” the father says, smacking his eldest son upside his head. “Tithe for Trump is all about helping our supporters. It’s all about making it more convenient for our patriotic MAGA supporters, so they don’t have to make donations to me over and over again. I want to make it easy for them to help me make America great again!“

“You’re a saint, Daddy!” Ivanka says as she climbs onto her father’s lap.

“I am a saint, Ivanka,” Donald says as he buries his fat orange face into her flowing hair. “Saint Donald. I like it, sweetie. Now come here and give Daddy a little sugar…”

The Trump boys blush and slither out of the door.

——————————————————————–

Read PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous ride across America with a circus in the early ’80s. This book has earned 100% 5-Star reviews on Amazon. Act now and save during pandemic pricing. You’re a click away from a fun, unforgettable ride. Buckle up and go.