Sen. Ron Johnson thinks fear is a black or white issue.

The Wisconsin senator removed his hood and spoke on conservative radio host Joe Pag’s show Thursday. “There was outrage by the fake news liberal media,” according to Johnson so dropped in to The Lint Screen offices to clarify his position.

“I wasn’t afraid at all on January sixth,” the Republican senator said. “The people who went to the Capitol were patriots who were angry about President Trump getting cheated out of his second term. I’m angry as a badger too! But those protesters were white. Very white. And everyone knows all white people are law abiding good citizens. They love the police and authority figures. So there was absolutely nothing to fear. I’m just glad those people in the Capitol weren’t black.”

Johnson stopped.

“I don’t want to sound like I’m prejudiced, because I’m not,” John clarified. “I don’t have a racist bone in my body. Heck, the couple who cleans our house is black. They’re good workers. And our landscapers are Mexicans I found at a Home Depot parking lot. That proves I’m a job creator who always supports people of color.”

Satisfied he has staked his moral high ground, the toadying Trump-jock-sniffer resumed his inane patter.

“Had the people invading the Capitol been members of Black Lives Matter or Antifa, well, that would have been cause for great concern,” Johnson clarified. “I might have been pretty afraid then. Those thugs don’t respect the rule of law. And that’s not being racist, it’s just fact. Look at all the TV shows and movies with dangerous criminals. What do they have in common? They’re black or hispanic!”

Johnson thinks it’s important that the Republican Party cut down on the amount of crime committed by minorities on election day.

“Too many people of color are sneaking into voting booths and casting ballots,” Johnson explains. “All these illegal votes are upsetting the legitimacy of American elections. Most of these people are not voting for the Republican candidates, who love America and want to protect our Constitution. They’re voting for liberal socialists, atheist Democrats hellbent on the ruination of our country. Obviously, we’ve got to solve these criminal acts. That’s why 43 states have over 250 minorities voting restriction laws in the works. If we don’t solve the problem of minorities voting, we’ll be seeing more white patriots invading the Capitol.”

Johnson shakes his head.

“Look, this issue isn’t complicated,” the senator said. “We just need the right kind of people voting. White folks who are registered Republicans who believe Donald Trump is the Chosen One. If we do that, we’ll save our democracy and give the corporate tax cuts that will trickle down and lift everybody up. I got to run now, I got a meeting to attend.”

And with that, Ron Johnson put his white hood over her head and left The Lint Screen offices.

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Read PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous ride across America with a circus in the early ’80s. This book has earned 100% 5-Star reviews on Amazon. Act now and save during pandemic pricing. You’re a click away from a fun, unforgettable ride. Buckle up and go.

There’s no more free ride for the Republican Party.

Twice-impeached disgraced ex-President Donald J. Trump has served the Republican Party with his official Grifting Menu detailing the costs associated with services he will make available to GOP candidates running for office.

“There is no more Republican Party,” Donald Trump told The Lint Screen. “I made that party. The party is nothing without me. I am the Chosen One, everyone says so. And there’s not going to be any more free rides on my celebrity. Now, I’m making the freeloading bastards pay.”

That he will.

In his menu of services offered to Republican candidates, Trump has published the following services offered:

Opposing candidate protest riot with PROUD BOYS displaying MAGA and TRUMP Flags… $250,000

Use of the DONALD J. TRUMP name… $500,000

Use of DONALD J. TRUMP images… $1,000,000

Official candidate endorsement by DONALD J. TRUMP… $2,000,000

Robocall of DONALD J. TRUMP endorsing candidate… $2,500,000

Photograph of candidate with DONALD J. TRUMP… $3,000,000

Photograph of candidate with DONALD J. TRUMP (smiling)… $4,000,000

Photograph of candidate with DONALD J. TRUMP (smiling, with two thumbs up)… $5,000,000

Use of existing footage of DONALD J. TRUMP in TV advertising… $6,000,000

Use of new DONALD J. TRUMP footage in TV advertising standing by a cardboard cutout of candidate… $8,000,000 (plus $2,000,000 appearance fee for DONALD J. TRUMP)

Use of new DONALD J. TRUMP footage in TV advertising standing by actual candidate… $12,000,000

Fundraising dinner featuring speech by DONALD J. TRUMP… $20,000,000

Rally featuring personal appearance by DONALD J. TRUMP… $25,000,000 (LIMITED TIME BONUS OFFER–– FREE usage of rally footage in candidate advertising)

TRUMP FAMILY ADD ONS:

Personal endorsement of candidate by ERIC TRUMP… $12.25

Personal endorsement of candidate by DONALD TRUMP, JR… $284.75

Personal endorsement of candidate by IVANKA TRUMP… $1,250,000

Car wash performed by JARED KUSHNER… $42.00

Dunking booth featuring JARED KUSHNER… $17.00

Speaking engagement on subject of “Be Best” by MELANIA TRUMP… $3.00

“This is the most incredible campaign kit ever offered,” Trump says. “I have everything any batshit Republican candidate needs to get elected. I can lend anyone my Trump magic and get them into office to destroy government and democracy. And because I’m a patriot, I’m happy to do it–– at a price.”

Trump’s closes his pitch with this statement: “No one has ever won as much as Trump. It is the biggest brand in winning for winners.”

Trump hesitates, an aide whispers to him, and the orange man continues.

“I almost forgot– all candidate election functions must be held at Trump property. That gives you maximum Trump magic to win!”

His entourage bows and scrapes to their master.

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Read PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous ride across America with a circus in the early ’80s. This book has earned 100% 5-Star reviews on Amazon. Act now and save during pandemic pricing. You’re a click away from a fun, unforgettable ride. Buckle up and go.

Georgia elected two Democratic senators to Washington, D.C. However, the state has plenty of good ol’ boys and girls under Atlanta’s capitol building dome.

The GOP-controlled state senate passed some new voting restrictions it wants to see signed by Governor Brian Kemp. He’s the GOP traitor who threw the election and is despised by twice impeached disgraced ex-President Donald J. Trump.

“We’ve got to stop election fraud,” Tom Snowman, the Republican state senator who sponsored the voting restrictions bill, tells The Lint Screen. “We have too many of the wrong kind of people voting in Georgia. That results in awful things like sending liberals to Washington who pass legislation that will help ordinary working people. We got to shut that down fast!”

Snowman says many of his bill’s measures are designed to ensure Georgia elections are “fair and square.” The portly man removed his hood and continued.

“President Trump won the election, he won all fifty states, he told us so himself,” Snowman says. “Trump was cheated. So were David Perdue and Kelly Loeffler. These Democrat rascals stole the election, and they did it by letting a whole bunch of people vote who shouldn’t have. I know we had a couple of recounts in Georgia, but the fact of the matter is too many of those votes were illegal. They weren’t for Trump, Perdue, or Loeffler! The ballots were from folks with the wrong skin color, and we can’t allow that. We’ve got to change that quick as we can.”

One of the measures Snowman wants is ‘paint chip polling checks.’

“This idea is easy as pie to execute,” he says. “We’ll give poll watchers a white paint chip sample strip from the Sherwin-Williams. If the voter’s skin can’t match the shades of white on the paint sample, well, sir, they’re not allowed to vote.”

Snowman also wants to do away with mail-in and early voting.

“We’re making it way too easy for people to vote,” he says, shaking his head. “That ain’t what our forefathers wanted. Democracy needs to run by folks who are real patriots and know what’s best for everyone. And here in Georgia, that’s the Republican politicians. We don’t need no socialists running around messing up everything with their freedom-robbing masks, vaccines, and unemployment checks helping people. Folks need to learn to pull themselves up by their bootstraps! That’s what makes ’em stronger.”

One of the most controversial measures proposed by Snowman is the “Just say ‘No’ to anyone who doesn’t have an R by their name” requirement.

“Our voting is way too complicated,” Snowman says. “We’ve got too many dadblum people running for office. It confuses voters. So we’re going to eliminate anyone who is not a Republican candidate. These evil Democrats and wimpy Independents are mucking up the works. We’ll take that confusion out of the process and streamline Georgia voting.”

Snowman says he looks forward to Trump’s glorious return to power.

“Q says he’s coming back real soon,” Snowman says with a wide smile. “And I can’t wait. We need The Chosen One working for us. He’s an honest man of impeccable character. And he and the GOP is going to keep on making America great again.”

The politician slips on his hood and marches away with a spring in his step.

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Read PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous ride across America with a circus in the early ’80s. This book has earned 100% 5-Star reviews on Amazon. Act now and save during pandemic pricing. You’re a click away from a fun, unforgettable ride. Buckle up and go.

Netflix is continuing its domination of streaming. First, the innovative company ruled the airwaves with its blockbuster show The Crown detailing Queen Elizabeth II’s life. Now the entertainment monolith builds on its Royals franchise with a new series called The Crown Goes Down debuting in mid-September.

Today, the company announced a multi-million dollar deal for a series starring Meghan Markle and Prince Harry, playing a newlywed couple who leave the conservative British royal family and move to America to start a company called “My Royal Pillow.”

“It’s a classic fish out of water story,” Eric Hofstetter, head of program development at Netflix, told The Lint Screen. “It’s like Schitt’s Creek in that it has rich people starting a new life with meager finances. But instead of managing a motel, these down-on-their-luck rich kids start a down pillow company in the black section of L.A. Our focus groups told us pillows are hot topics these days. Pillows are politically charged, and so naturally, these young liberal fancy folks want to make genuine down pillows.”

The tanned man stops for dramatic effect, smiles, then continues.

“But here’s the twist–– these down pillows magically make you ultra-liberal. Imagine the wacky hijinks that ensue when the young couple communicates with their conservative prejudiced family back in Britain! It’s comedy gold.”

Hofstetter believes Meghan and Prince Harry will quickly become megastars in their new star vehicle.

“We have an incredible cast of proven comedy legends supporting them,” the mastermind of programming says. “Michael Richards from Seinfeld plays Prince Charles, and Roseanne Barr will play the Queen Mother, with the help of heavy makeup and dialect coaches. They will be in the United Kingdom trying to make Meghan and Prince Harry behave. Back in L.A., the young couple is living next door to their best friends, a kooky couple played by Craig Robinson and Lisa Kudrow. And at the pillow factory, they’re surrounded by amazing comic stars including, Issa Rae, Terry Crews, Tim Allen, Rashida Jones, Rita Moreno, and Rob Schneider. I just read the pilot, and it’s absolutely incredible!”

Hofstetter is excited about the prospects of the young Royals on Netflix.

“These youngsters have real star power,” the Netflix big cheese claims. “Last night, 17.1 million viewers tuned in to see the dynamic duo jawboning with Oprah. Once we break Down With The Crown, I think they will be on top of the world. This show is a natural.”

Hoftetter pops a bottle of expensive champagne, and continues.

“At Netflix, we like to say, Down with the Crown is the comic yin to the dramatic yang of The Crown–– and who doesn’t like what happens when black mixes with white?!”

The Hollywood hero chugs his bubbly.

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Read PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous ride across America with a circus in the early ’80s. This book has earned 100% 5-Star reviews on Amazon. Act now and save during pandemic pricing. You’re a click away from a fun, unforgettable ride. Buckle up and go.

Missouri Senator Josh Hawley is a forgiving man, and he believes FBI Director Chris Wray should also be merciful.

Yesterday, Hawley grilled Wray on the FBI response to the January 6 Capitol attack. The clean-cut Ivy League-educated dandy who portrays a populist in Washington became visibly agitated on learning the FBI is conducting an exhaustive investigation into the deadly insurrection.

“I don’t understand, Director Wray,” Hawley said. “Why do we have to spend all this time and tax money on a little misunderstanding? Why are you hassling innocent people? The whole thing seems like overkill to me!”

G-Man Wray seemed perplexed by Hawley’s line of questioning. After telling the senator the FBI was using smartphone geolocation as a tool in investigating the crimes committed, Hawley became incensed.

“Do you think that’s fair, Director Wray?” Hawley asked. “Why is the FBI using advanced technology to harass good, honest, law-abiding American citizens? It doesn’t make any sense. You are invading the privacy and freedoms of Constitutional-loving American citizens–– and for what? Because you have some liberal vendetta against freedom?”

Hawley threw his arms into the air, looking like a windsock outside a used car lot, and continued his rant.

“Who’s to say those poor people weren’t simply confused about the start time of The Capitol tours? I think that may have been what happened. The FBI should lighten up on this unfair investigation! Just drop the investigation and let’s move on!”

Ted Cruz agreed with his fellow Republican seditionist.

“We can’t go on doing these witch hunts on good God-fearing, America-loving citizens,” the bearded ivy League-educated Cancun tourist pretending to be a man of the people said. “There is nothing to see here with this whole messy investigation. It happened, so what?! It’s in the past. We should get on with life and try to unify our country. I want unity for all!”

“Ted’s right,” Hawley agreed. “Let’s just let bygones be bygones and close the book on this awful infringement on American rights. Director Wray, you and your people, should be ashamed of yourselves,” Hawley said, wagging his finger. “You’re a disgrace.”

Wray looked at the two senators in disbelief.

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous ride across America with a circus in the early ’80s. This book has earned 100% 5-Star reviews on Amazon. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

Pity poor “Little Marco” Rubio. As many Republican politicians vie to curry favor with their master, twice impeached disgraced ex-president Donald J. Trump, Rubio has gotten lost in the shuffle of crazy conspiracy theorists.

No more!

Today Rubio told The Lint Screen about his latest accusation about the January 6 insurrection at the Capitol.

“Some of my Republican associates have laid the blame of the Capitol attack on Antifa,” Rubio said. “That’s a good theory, but I have a much better one–– it was members of Black Lives Matter and Meryl Streep behind all the shenanigans.”

Rubio claims that although the people invading “The People’s House” appeared to be white supremacist Trump supporters, they were actually an army of Black Lives Matter radicals who were made up to appear as if they were angry white people.

“Meryl Streep is a well-known Hollywood liberal,” Rubio says. “She’s also a great actress and expert at using cosmetics to achieve the look of the characters she portrays. She played a horse in Secretariat, for crying out loud! Streep used her liberal rage and incredible artistry to make the Black Lives Matter members look like they weren’t even black–– but were white! And she taught them how to act like angry Trump supporters. Ultimately, she turned the angry mob fake their support of The Chosen One hoping to hurt him! But the plot failed when the GOP and its loyal supporters didn’t buy any of it. We still back the big guy!“

The puny Florida Senator is struggling to gain a share of the limelight from legendary Trump ass-kissers Kevin McCarthy, Lindsey Graham, Josh Hawley, Ted Cruz, Matt Gaetz, Ron Johnson, and Jim Jordan vying for their share of lip time on the old man’s plump butt cheeks.

“I think my Black Lives Matter-Meryl Streep conspiracy is a real winner,” Rubio says, striking a proud pose. “Anyone can dish the Antifa angle, and lots of people have, but my theory is as fresh as this morning’s fresh-baked bread. I think Donald Trump will admire me for my undying loyalty and ass kissery. At least I hope so!”

Rubio rushed to the corner, bent over, and threw up in a wastebasket.

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous ride across America with a circus in the early ’80s. This book has earned 100% 5-Star reviews on Amazon. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.