Florida Rep. Matt Gaetz is a familiar presence on conservative TV networks, and with his recent acts of Christian kindness, he’s sure to become even more popular.

Today the Republican Congressman told The Lint Screen he plans to reach out and help the youth of America with a new plan for revitalizing education in high schools.

“I think high schools are making math too hard on students,” the big-toothed slick-haired man said. “So I’m going to lend a helping hand. I am offering my services to female high school students who need some help with their algebra or geometry homework. I’ll help them study and cram for tests or finals if they need it. Whatever it takes, I want them to know I am here for their success.”

When asked why he is only offering his services to high school girls and not boys, the Congressman became agitated.

“I’m helping girls because of culture!” he said. “There’s a prejudice against females in mathematics, and it shakes the confidence in girls. People don’t think girls are as good in math as boys are. That’s not right! I am here to battle that stigma, to give the girls a helping hand, a shoulder to lean on as they make their way through the minefields of math.”

Gaetz also wants to introduce girls to the dangers of alcohol.

“Too many girls wait until they go off to college to experience drinking,” the man in a shiny suit said. “Because they are curious and inexperienced, these girls engage in binge drinking, which is very dangerous. Even deadly! I plan to give my girls small doses of malt liquor to relax and ease the anxieties they might be facing about their futures. I can also get them special identification cards that will enable them to experience bar culture firsthand.”

Gaetz said he has always had a keen interest in helping young people.

“I like to say the youth of America is are our future,” Gaetz smiles. “And I’ll do whatever it takes make their transition into adulthood special and memorable.”

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Read PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous ride across America with a circus in the early ’80s. This book has earned 100% 5-Star reviews on Amazon. Act now and save during pandemic pricing. You’re a click away from a fun, unforgettable ride. Buckle up and go.

Donald J. Trump claims Joe Biden stole his presidency.

“It was disgraceful,” the reviled twice-impeached ex-president told The Lint Screen. “I had the biggest election victory in history– winning all 50 states and getting over 800 million votes. But Biden somehow won. Sleepy Joe’s crooked, and I was cheated out of re-election. I had MAGA patriots who tried to right the wrong, they wanted justice, but the stupid Capitol cops shut them down. Now the deep state is trying to arrest and prosecute these loyal citizens because they love Trump and America. It’s very unfair.”

But you cannot keep a good grifter down. Trump and his family are tooling up for his 2024 presidential election bid by introducing a radical new way to raise election funds.

“I call it Tithe for Trump,” prez 45 says. “It’s based on a scam that religions have used for a long, long time. You get your flock to take 10% off the top of everything they make and send it directly to you. Since I don’t trust my MAGA people, I’m collecting their credit card and bank account numbers. That way, we’ll do the hard arithmetic for them. It could be ten percent, or, forty, fifty, up to eighty percent– we’ll decide their level of generosity. That makes it easier for them.”

“It’s a super fantastic wonderful program, Daddy,” the vivacious Ivanka gushes.

“Of course it is honey,” the proud papa coos. “I thought of it all by myself.”

“I think it’s one of your best ideas ever,” Eric Trump chirps.

“Be quiet, Eric,” the father admonishes. “Remember what I said about keeping your mouth shut.”

“Yes, Dad,” the poor boy says, hanging his head in shame.

“I think we’ll make a mint, Pops!” Don Jr. says. “We’ll line up the sheep for the sheering!”

“Shut up, Donnie,” the father says, smacking his eldest son upside his head. “Tithe for Trump is all about helping our supporters. It’s all about making it more convenient for our patriotic MAGA supporters, so they don’t have to make donations to me over and over again. I want to make it easy for them to help me make America great again!“

“You’re a saint, Daddy!” Ivanka says as she climbs onto her father’s lap.

“I am a saint, Ivanka,” Donald says as he buries his fat orange face into her flowing hair. “Saint Donald. I like it, sweetie. Now come here and give Daddy a little sugar…”

The Trump boys blush and slither out of the door.

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Read PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous ride across America with a circus in the early ’80s. This book has earned 100% 5-Star reviews on Amazon. Act now and save during pandemic pricing. You’re a click away from a fun, unforgettable ride. Buckle up and go.

Everyone knows it can get pretty hot in the state of Georgia, so its Governor Brian Kemp has created what he calls “a brilliant solution” to refreshing voters on Election Day.

“I took a lot of flak when I signed Georgia’s new voting laws,” Kemp told The Lint Screen. “Some people thought they were racist. Nothing could be further from the truth. One of the provisions makes it illegal to bring water to voters when they’re standing in line. Lots of uninformed people thought that was cruel since some people have to wait five, six, seven hours to vote. So I got to thinking about how can we solve the issue.”

Kemp huddled with his GOP braintrust and they developed an ingenious solution– two water fountains inside polling places!

“When people finally get inside their polling place, they might be awfully parched,” Kemp says. “Of course, they’re going to want a long cool sip of water. Well, that’s going to cause a lot of congestion at the water fountain. That means thirsty folks will be going from one long line to another. So, we came up with the idea of having two separate water fountains. That way, voters can get themselves a refreshing drink lickety-split.”

Kemp cautioned the water fountains will not be available until after the person has voted.

“We want to make sure people do what they came to do,” Kemp says. “We don’t want folks waiting in lines and then lallygagging about the polling station. Once someone proves they voted for the complete Republican ticket, well, they can get right in the appropriate line for a nice, cool drink of water. What could be easier? Two fountains makes a lot of sense!”

Kemp smiles. “I’m just trying to make our elections more fair for everybody, and I sure do hope President Trump notices what a great job Im doing! He’s my favorite president ever.“

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Read PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous ride across America with a circus in the early ’80s. This book has earned 100% 5-Star reviews on Amazon. Act now and save during pandemic pricing. You’re a click away from a fun, unforgettable ride. Buckle up and go.

Donald Trump was not a pet person, but Joe Biden is, and the president has decided to put his pet German Shepherd “Major” do his negotiating with Republican Senators on Biden’s infrastructure plan.

“I want this to be a bipartisan bill,” Biden told The Lint Screen. “And I know Republicans will want to work with me in helping improve American life by improving our infrastructure. To do that, I want them to deal with Major. Although he is a dog, he is very bright, and he’s a stickler for details. Major is also quite persuasive. He usually gets his way. I know my partners across the aisle will enjoy working with Major on this important legislation.”

Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell was shocked when he heard of this development.

“You tell the president we can’t work with a dog,” the man with the turtle-neck said. “What’s a dog know about anything? Dogs are dumb. I hate dogs. I’m not working with any damn dog. That’s an insult!”

This reporter relayed the quotes from the Kentucky Senator to President Biden in The White House. Major growled when he heard McConnell’s flippant response.

“Down, boy, down!” Biden said as he petted his pup. “Maybe Mitch is in a bad mood. Yeah, that must be it. Hey, Major, why don’t you go down to the Senate and have yourself a little talk with Senator McConnell. Maybe you can persuade him you mean business. What do you think, boy– you like that idea? You like it, boy?”

The German Shepherd barked his agreement with his master, and darted out of the Oval Office. The dog bolted down Pennsylvania Avenue and into the Capitol Building.

An hour later, McConnell was removed from the Senate chambers on a stretcher. The Senator was bleeding profusely, and had ribbons of flesh dangling from his body. An aide said McConnell “accidentally fell down some stairs, and that the Senator was really looking forward to working with the president on the Biden Infrastructure Bill when it comes to the Senate.”

Good boy, Major! Good boy!!!

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Read PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous ride across America with a circus in the early ’80s. This book has earned 100% 5-Star reviews on Amazon. Act now and save during pandemic pricing. You’re a click away from a fun, unforgettable ride. Buckle up and go.

You’d think a little girl would be excited to have an ex-president attend her birthday party, but that wasn’t the case for spoiled brat Melissa Amberton of Palm Beach, Florida.

Yesterday was Melissa’s second birthday, and her parents were hosting a party with their immediate family to celebrate. But that all changed when three black vehicles pulled up in front of their house.

“I heard the doorbell ring,” Mandy Amberton, Melissa’s mother, told The Lint Screen. “Before I could answer it, a battering ram busted down the front door. Soon our house was swarming with men in dark suits wearing sunglasses and talking into their wrists. One of them shouted, ‘All clear!’ and then, Donald Trump and Don Jr. walked into our home”

“It was crazy,” said Paul Amberton, Melissa’s father. “None of them were wearing masks, and they all stormed into the kitchen where we had just placed the birthday cake in front of our daughter.”

“Her face went from a smile to screaming terror in a heartbeat,” her mother said. “The big fat Trump– the one with the orange hair, started shouting at everyone.”

“I recorded the entire incident on my iPhone,” Paul said. Here is a transcript of what Trump and his bearded son said.

DONALD TRUMP: Don’t cry, little girl. It’s your birthday. You should be happy. I know you’re upset because that mean old Joe Biden stole the election from me.

DON JR: That’s right, Dad! She’s crying because Biden stole the presidency from you!

DONALD: Quiet, Don Jr., I got this. Listen, little girl, it’s very sad that we live in a country where elections are stolen from great men like me. I was way ahead of Biden on election night. It was a landslide. An incredible victory. No one has ever seen anything like it! But suddenly, they find millions of secret ballots for Biden. That’s a lie. They were votes from people who don’t have the right to vote in white America. Biden stole the election from me! You know it, I know it, everyone knows it!

DON JR: Biden’s a dirty cheater!

DONALD: Button it, Donnie. No one wants to hear you. Well, little girl, patriotic Americans refused to let Biden steal the election from me, so they went to the Capitol to discuss it with the weak politicians. And what did the fake news media do? They made these MAGA patriots look like white supremacist terrorists. That’s wrong. Those Capitol invaders were good people. They wanted justice. They wanted me to remain in office to fix our country. I invented the vaccines, and cured COVID-19. I sealed the border by building the wall with my hands. I built the economy, greatest economy anyone’s ever seen. I fixed race relations, brought people together. I’m a unifier, everyone says so. Everything was better under Trump. And now we have Biden, and he’s a disaster!

DON JR: That’s right, Dad! Worst president ever.

DONALD: Don’t make me smack you, Don Jr. Listen, little girl, stop crying. We’re going to stop the steal. But to do that, I need money for the Trump Defense Fund. All these socialists have fake lawsuits against me– rape, extortion, bank fraud, insurance fraud, tax cheating, sexual assault, RICO charges– you name it, the liberals are throwing everything at me.

DON JR: Democrats are evil bastards!

DONALD: Quiet, Donnie, when Daddy’s talking. So, little girl, did you get any birthday money? Any presents we could return for a refund so you can contribute to the Trump Defense Fund? Would you like to make America Great again? You look like a little girl who loves her country, and I’m sure you’d like to contribute to my fund.

DON JR: It’s the patriotic thing to do!

THE FATHER SMACKS HIS SON IN THE HEAD. THE BEARDED BOY SOBS AND RUNS OUT THE DOOR.

DONALD: You Secret Service guys grab the little girl’s presents. If she has any envelopes, take ’em. Let’s get out of here. The brat won’t stop crying. Grow up, little girl– pull yourself up by the bootstraps and toughen up! Hey, guys, don’t forget her cake. I love cake. Get it! I’m starved.

SECRET SERVICE MEN GRAB THE BIRTHDAY GIFTS AND THE CAKE. TRUMP AND HIS HOUSE INVADERS EXIT.

Melissa’s father stops his smartphone video. His eyes swell with tears. “I hope our little girl’s third birthday is better.”

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Read PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous ride across America with a circus in the early ’80s. This book has earned 100% 5-Star reviews on Amazon. Act now and save during pandemic pricing. You’re a click away from a fun, unforgettable ride. Buckle up and go.

The Republican Party has taken decisive action to curb gun violence following the recent mass shootings in Atlanta and Boulder.

“The Democrats hate God and want to take away everyone’s guns,” said Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell. “That’s making a mockery of The Constitution. They talk about background checks– that’s infringing on the privacy of American citizens. Democrats want there to be more waiting time. Have they ever seen the lines at Wal Mart? You can wait up to three, five, even ten minutes to buy your guns. And they want to get rid of semi-automatic weapons. Have you ever seen how fast a squirrel runs? You need rapid fire to take those varmints down. They make a right tasty stew.”

McConnell believes he has a solution for mass shootings.

“We just need more thoughts and prayers,” the elder statesman told The Lint Screen. “Not after the fact, but before the shootings take place. So, we’ll do pre-emptive thoughts and prayers. There’s nothing we can’t do when we ask God for help.”

The Republicans have formed a Thoughts & Prayers Committee to address the problem of mass shootings.

“We’re going to have Republican patriots coast to coast huddling together,” McConnell said. “They’ll send out thoughts and prayers that we believe will stop mass shooters in their tracks. This is the only sane, sensible, and Constitutional way to address mass shootings. We had 417 mass shootings in 2019 and we believe we can get that number down into the upper three hundreds with enough thoughts and prayers.”

The Kentucky senator believes the Democrats want to destroy the United States of America, and his GOP associates agree.

“Biden stole the election from Donald Trump,” Wisconsin Sen. Ron Johnson said. “Good Americans came to protest that injustice on January 6, and the Democrats acted like it was a dangerous act of sedition. What a bunch of cowards!”

“The Democrats are fueling another witch hunt,” Missouri Senator Josh Hawley said. “They want there to be investigations into what happened at the Capitol. What about citizen rights? It’s insane the way these liberals politicize every little difference of opinion.”

“Too many Democrats are getting elected because we have way too many people voting,” McConnell said. “That’s why we have to tighten up voting laws. We have all these different color people voting, and they’re usually voting for Democrats. It’s just not American.”

“And now the Democrats are giving average citizens free money,” Texas Senator Ted Cruz said. “That’s dumb because Joe and Jane six pack don’t know how to spend money. We should be giving that money to corporations and one-percenters, they’re the job creators! Then, the money will trickle down into the pockets to ordinary peons.”

“We may have to send some thoughts and prayers to our Democrat friends,” McConnell said with a sly smile. “They need it.”

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Read PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous ride across America with a circus in the early ’80s. This book has earned 100% 5-Star reviews on Amazon. Act now and save during pandemic pricing. You’re a click away from a fun, unforgettable ride. Buckle up and go.