Georgia Governor Brian Kemp has a solution for the backlash against the state’s restrictive voting laws.
Everyone knows it can get pretty hot in the state of Georgia, so its Governor Brian Kemp has created what he calls “a brilliant solution” to refreshing voters on Election Day.
“I took a lot of flak when I signed Georgia’s new voting laws,” Kemp told The Lint Screen. “Some people thought they were racist. Nothing could be further from the truth. One of the provisions makes it illegal to bring water to voters when they’re standing in line. Lots of uninformed people thought that was cruel since some people have to wait five, six, seven hours to vote. So I got to thinking about how can we solve the issue.”
Kemp huddled with his GOP braintrust and they developed an ingenious solution– two water fountains inside polling places!
“When people finally get inside their polling place, they might be awfully parched,” Kemp says. “Of course, they’re going to want a long cool sip of water. Well, that’s going to cause a lot of congestion at the water fountain. That means thirsty folks will be going from one long line to another. So, we came up with the idea of having two separate water fountains. That way, voters can get themselves a refreshing drink lickety-split.”
Kemp cautioned the water fountains will not be available until after the person has voted.
“We want to make sure people do what they came to do,” Kemp says. “We don’t want folks waiting in lines and then lallygagging about the polling station. Once someone proves they voted for the complete Republican ticket, well, they can get right in the appropriate line for a nice, cool drink of water. What could be easier? Two fountains makes a lot of sense!”
Donald Trump was not a pet person, but Joe Biden is, and the president has decided to put his pet German Shepherd “Major” do his negotiating with Republican Senators on Biden’s infrastructure plan.
“I want this to be a bipartisan bill,” Biden told The Lint Screen. “And I know Republicans will want to work with me in helping improve American life by improving our infrastructure. To do that, I want them to deal with Major. Although he is a dog, he is very bright, and he’s a stickler for details. Major is also quite persuasive. He usually gets his way. I know my partners across the aisle will enjoy working with Major on this important legislation.”
“You tell the president we can’t work with a dog,” the man with the turtle-neck said. “What’s a dog know about anything? Dogs are dumb. I hate dogs. I’m not working with any damn dog. That’s an insult!”
This reporter relayed the quotes from the Kentucky Senator to President Biden in The White House. Major growled when he heard McConnell’s flippant response.
“Down, boy, down!” Biden said as he petted his pup. “Maybe Mitch is in a bad mood. Yeah, that must be it. Hey, Major, why don’t you go down to the Senate and have yourself a little talk with Senator McConnell. Maybe you can persuade him you mean business. What do you think, boy– you like that idea? You like it, boy?”
The German Shepherd barked his agreement with his master, and darted out of the Oval Office. The dog bolted down Pennsylvania Avenue and into the Capitol Building.
An hour later, McConnell was removed from the Senate chambers on a stretcher. The Senator was bleeding profusely, and had ribbons of flesh dangling from his body. An aide said McConnell “accidentally fell down some stairs, and that the Senator was really looking forward to working with the president on the Biden Infrastructure Bill when it comes to the Senate.”
Melissa Amberton did not enjoy her second birthday party.
You’d think a little girl would be excited to have an ex-president attend her birthday party, but that wasn’t the case for spoiled brat Melissa Amberton of Palm Beach, Florida.
Yesterday was Melissa’s second birthday, and her parents were hosting a party with their immediate family to celebrate. But that all changed when three black vehicles pulled up in front of their house.
“I heard the doorbell ring,” Mandy Amberton, Melissa’s mother, told The Lint Screen. “Before I could answer it, a battering ram busted down the front door. Soon our house was swarming with men in dark suits wearing sunglasses and talking into their wrists. One of them shouted, ‘All clear!’ and then, Donald Trump and Don Jr. walked into our home”
“It was crazy,” said Paul Amberton, Melissa’s father. “None of them were wearing masks, and they all stormed into the kitchen where we had just placed the birthday cake in front of our daughter.”
“Her face went from a smile to screaming terror in a heartbeat,” her mother said. “The big fat Trump– the one with the orange hair, started shouting at everyone.”
“I recorded the entire incident on my iPhone,” Paul said. Here is a transcript of what Trump and his bearded son said.
DONALD TRUMP: Don’t cry, little girl. It’s your birthday. You should be happy. I know you’re upset because that mean old Joe Biden stole the election from me.
DON JR: That’s right, Dad! She’s crying because Biden stole the presidency from you!
DONALD: Don’t make me smack you, Don Jr. Listen, little girl, stop crying. We’re going to stop the steal. But to do that, I need money for the Trump Defense Fund. All these socialists have fake lawsuits against me– rape, extortion, bank fraud, insurance fraud, tax cheating, sexual assault, RICO charges– you name it, the liberals are throwing everything at me.
DONALD: Quiet, Donnie, when Daddy’s talking. So, little girl, did you get any birthday money? Any presents we could return for a refund so you can contribute to the Trump Defense Fund? Would you like to make America Great again? You look like a little girl who loves her country, and I’m sure you’d like to contribute to my fund.
DON JR: It’s the patriotic thing to do!
THE FATHER SMACKS HIS SON IN THE HEAD. THE BEARDED BOY SOBS AND RUNS OUT THE DOOR.
DONALD: You Secret Service guys grab the little girl’s presents. If she has any envelopes, take ’em. Let’s get out of here. The brat won’t stop crying. Grow up, little girl– pull yourself up by the bootstraps and toughen up! Hey, guys, don’t forget her cake. I love cake. Get it! I’m starved.
SECRET SERVICE MEN GRAB THE BIRTHDAY GIFTS AND THE CAKE. TRUMP AND HIS HOUSE INVADERS EXIT.
Melissa’s father stops his smartphone video. His eyes swell with tears. “I hope our little girl’s third birthday is better.”
The GOP leadership has decided to finally address the issue of gun violence.
The Republican Party has taken decisive action to curb gun violence following the recent mass shootings in Atlanta and Boulder.
“The Democrats hate God and want to take away everyone’s guns,” said Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell. “That’s making a mockery of The Constitution. They talk about background checks– that’s infringing on the privacy of American citizens. Democrats want there to be more waiting time. Have they ever seen the lines at Wal Mart? You can wait up to three, five, even ten minutes to buy your guns. And they want to get rid of semi-automatic weapons. Have you ever seen how fast a squirrel runs? You need rapid fire to take those varmints down. They make a right tasty stew.”
McConnell believes he has a solution for mass shootings.
“We just need more thoughts and prayers,” the elder statesman told The Lint Screen. “Not after the fact, but before the shootings take place. So, we’ll do pre-emptive thoughts and prayers. There’s nothing we can’t do when we ask God for help.”
The Republicans have formed a Thoughts & Prayers Committee to address the problem of mass shootings.
“We’re going to have Republican patriots coast to coast huddling together,” McConnell said. “They’ll send out thoughts and prayers that we believe will stop mass shooters in their tracks. This is the only sane, sensible, and Constitutional way to address mass shootings. We had 417 mass shootings in 2019 and we believe we can get that number down into the upper three hundreds with enough thoughts and prayers.”
The Kentucky senator believes the Democrats want to destroy the United States of America, and his GOP associates agree.
“Too many Democrats are getting elected because we have way too many people voting,” McConnell said. “That’s why we have to tighten up voting laws. We have all these different color people voting, and they’re usually voting for Democrats. It’s just not American.”
“And now the Democrats are giving average citizens free money,” Texas Senator Ted Cruz said. “That’s dumb because Joe and Jane six pack don’t know how to spend money. We should be giving that money to corporations and one-percenters, they’re the job creators! Then, the money will trickle down into the pockets to ordinary peons.”
“I’m not impressed, not impressed at all,” Trump says between bites of a Big Mac (with extra secret sauce). “Biden’s a total disaster. I give him an F for his presidenting. I was so much better at leading the country. The best president ever. Everyone says so.”
The fitness fanatic made short work of his hamburger, shook a large box of fries into his gaping gob, and began working on a bucket of KFC (extra skin, triple fried).
“Joe is unfit for office,” president #45 says through a mouthful of chewed chicken meat. “He stole the election from me and now America is paying a huge price. Thanks to Biden, millions of people are needlessly getting pricked with sharp needles– very sharp needles– and having a secret chip implanted inside of their bodies. These chips contain the voices of Anthony Fauci, Bill Gates, and George Soros telling them to do socialist things like helping their neighbors, demanding good government, healthcare, environmental safeguards, sensible gun control– those sort of outlandish things. And they are commanded to buy lots of Microsoft products. It’s a disgrace. Very dangerous.” Trump burps, then attacks two drumstick like an angry Keith Moon.
Trump lifts a chicken breast from his KFC bucket. His muscular jaw opens like a boa’s, he inserts the fried delicacy into his eager mouth, closes it, and instantly spits the chicken bone on the floor where a kneeling Sen. Lindsey Graham waits with a garbage bag. The suck-up senator smiles lovingly at his boss as Trump chews and swallows. The chicken lover continues.
“Those attackers who beat and killed people in the Capitol takeover were not my supporters,” Trump says as he reaches for a chicken thigh. “They were all Antifa and Black Lives Matter thugs disguised like MAGA folks. It was a big Democrat plot trying to make me look bad.”
Trump quickly finishes the contents of his chicken bucket as Graham scrambles to retrieve the spent bones.
“I got them, boss,” the South Carolinian says. “Whatever you need, boss man, I’m always here for you! I love you most of all!”
The big man kicks the cloying senator prostrate at his feet. Graham yips and scurries across the room where he cowers in a corner next to a nervous Rep. Kevin McCarthy, an anxious Sen. Ted Cruz, and a dewy-eyed Sen. Ron Johnson. Trump throws the empty KFC bucket at the frightened GOP politicians in the corner.
“Get me more food,” Trump barks. The three politicians dart out of the door in search of essential fuel for their master.
“And another thing,” Trump says, “Biden passed that big relief package. That thing will never work. His stupid plan is to give money to ordinary people?! That’s dumb. Worst idea ever. Everyone knows the only way to goose the economy is giving big tax breaks and deductions to corporations and the 1%. That way, the money trickles down to the peasants and they’ll blow it on bad investments like food and shelter. Biden’s plan doesn’t make any damn sense.”
Trump’s stomach growls like a lion with a megaphone.
“Where the hell are those ass-kissers?” he wonders aloud. “I’m starving to death here! FEED ME!!!”
Rep. Roy details his plan to enforce justice in America.
Texas Republican Rep. Chip Roy was the subject of controversy when he made statements about frontier justice in reaction to a Congressional hearing addressing discrimination against Asian Americans.
“I was just talking about how we did things in the good old days,” Roy told The Lint Screen. “We’d grab a rope and head to the tallest tree. There wasn’t any need for trials. We decided then and there who was guilty and we’d string ’em up. You look at American history and you’ll see there’s never been any incidence of injustice when a crowd and a rope were involved. Not a one. I worry that the real crimes in America today are against personal freedom!”
Roy said too many people today are concerned about their feelings getting hurt.
“Now we have all these blacks and Hispanics and even Asians bellyaching about their rights,” Roy said. “Well, what about my right to free speech? My right to get off the government power grid? My right to refuse wearing a mask and enslaving my face to germs? And if I want to trash China for COVID-19, that’s my business. It’s not my fault some folks take it out on American Asians. I think these minorities need to toughen up like us white people. We didn’t come to this country complaining. No, sir! We stood our ground and fought the red men for what’s ours. Our God-given land.”
