The Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC) has kicked off, and America had better get ready to feel the love of true Trumpers.

CPAC is known as the Lollapalooza of the lunatic fringe, where rabid Republicans gather like moths to a flame and worship their god, disgraced former President Donald J. Trump, who they believe to be America’s greatest leader, because he said so.

The agenda features a parade of spineless toadies and craven politicians who will be blowing smoke like a locomotive engine up their hero’s ass. The speaker list includes sleazy weasels Sen. Ted Cruz, Sen. Mike Lee, Sen. Josh Hawley, Sen Marco Rubio, Rep. Jim Jordan, Ben Carson, Leader Kevin McCarthy, Kimberly Guilfoyle, Rep. Devin Nunes, Jon Voight, Rep. Matt Gaetz, the son of god, Donald Trump, Jr., and dozens of other soulless cretins who will bow and scrape for their master.

Of course, the main event will be former President Donald J. Trump who has made it clear he has “made the Republican Party my bitch” because he owns their voters.

“Anyone who does not worship me is dead,” Trump told The Lint Screen on a Zoom call from a steam room in the spa of Mar-a-Lago. “I need everyone in the GOP on the same page–– I won the election in a landslide, winning all fifty states, and I was cheated by Biden, who is not the legal president. I am! And what happened on January 6 was a violent charade posed by Antifa and anti-Trump forces posing as my people. It’s disgraceful how the liberal media is trying to pin that on me.”

Trump towels his fat face, turning from orange to red, and continues.

“And there is no such thing as white supremacists, that’s another liberal lie,” he claims. “All I ever wanted to do was make America great again. For white people.”

Trump says he will not tolerate any dissension in his ranks.

“I wrote something that I’ve circulated to my people,” he says. “I call it my commandment– Thou shalt have no other gods before me. It means people must worship only me. Not God, not Jesus, Allah, or any of those crazy gods. Me– Donald J. Trump. I am The Chosen One. No one else. And anyone who doesn’t fall in line had better watch out, because I will crush them like a cockroach.”

There are rumors the CPAC event may include a special appearance of Rush Limbaugh, broadcasting from hell.

“I need to give Rush another Medal of Freedom,” Trump says. “The first one melted, accidentally.”

Enjoy CPAC!

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous ride across America with a circus in the early ’80s. This book has earned 100% 5-Star reviews on Amazon. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

Today’s ‘Florida man’ news story is a doozy.

Florida’s Republican Congressional Representative Matt Gatez told The Lint Screen the insurrection on January 6 at the U.S. Capitol was the direct result of Ted Cruz’s twelve and ten-year-old daughters.

“Those girls are born troublemakers,” the righteous politician claims. “They forced poor Senator Cruz to take an ill-timed Cancun vacation, and now I think they were the ones responsible for the attack on the Capitol building.”

Gaetz is a known sycophant of disgraced former President Donald J. Trump.

“The entire event on January 6 was an obvious false flag operation of Antifa,” Gaetz says. “Of course, the evil Democrats who hate democracy tried to blame it on white supremacists and right wing militias. That’s total B.S. There is no such thing as white supremacists– they are boogie men who only live in the imagination of liberals. I think Democrats create these fantasies because they feel so guilty about stealing the election from Donald Trump, who is without a doubt America’s greatest president.“

The self-important Trumpian bootlick took a deep breath and began trashing Ted Cruz’s daughters.

“I think the rowdy girls are rebelling against their parents,” Gaetz says. “It’s very common. I believe they were influenced and triggered by Nancy Pelosi, and the result was an Antifa insurrection disguised as Trump supporters trying to overthrow the government. That’s a pretty bad thing to do, and I’ve suggested to Ted Cruz he ground his girls for at least a week. Maybe even take away their phones for a couple hours. They’ve got to pay for their crime.”

Gaetz said he is a forgiving man who is happy to forget the insurrection ever happened.

“I think the Democrats keep trying to make a big deal out of what happened on January sixth,” Gaetz declares. “It happened, it’s in the past. There is no need to investigate. Let’s forget about the ancient history and concentrate on the things that really matter– like investigating Hillary’s emails, Hunter’s laptop, and Benghazi, Benghazi, Benghazi. And for God’s sake, let’s stop this ridiculous worrying about nonexistent ‘white supremacists.’ The idea is preposterous.”

Gaetz apologized for ending the interview saying he had to run to an important Proud Boys meeting.

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous ride across America with a circus in the early ’80s. This book has earned 100% 5-Star reviews on Amazon. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

Wisconsin Republican Sen. Ron Johnson should not be around sharp objects. He could hurt himself.

The unhinged looney spun his ridiculous conspiracy theories yesterday at the first public Senate hearing about the Capitol attack on January 6.

“I’m sick and tired of people blaming supporters of President Trump,” Johnson told The Lint Screen. “I wanted to set the record straight that almost no one in that mob was a genuine Trump supporter.”

Johnson told the hearing audience the entire spectacle was “played for the benefit of the fake news liberal media.” He then launched into his incredible narrative.

“The few Trumpers who were there were peaceful, calm, and collected,” Johnson claimed. “The true Trumpers were reading the Constitution. All the agitators were atheist thugs from Antifa, illegal immigrants from the caravan that invaded America, and hundreds of Hollywood actors.”

Johnson referred to numerous papers scattered in front of him, many marked with crayon drawings.

“I have it on good authority the director Rob Reiner, who is a well-known commie agitator–– Archie Bunker called him out years ago. Reiner was behind the whole horrible hulabaloo. The event was staged with liberal Hollywood actors dressed in MAGA hats and outfits using prop Trump flags and other items to look like they were actual supporters of the president. I heard they had wardrobe, make up people, script people, even craft services for the actors. All the illegal brown people were made-up in white face. It was a major production designed to disgrace our president. I think these kind of leftist shenanigans are outrageous and unAmerican.”

Johnson’s baby blues teared up. He choked back sorrowful rivers.

“The few Trump people there weren’t terrorists. They were respecting the police,” Johnson declared. “For gosh sakes, President Trump has said many times that he is the law and order president! Why would they disobey him? It doesn’t make any sense!”

The Wisconsin cheese-for-brains began pounding the table.

“The worst thing is all the Antifa people dressed like MAGA folks attacking the brave cops and chanting they wanted to kill Mike Pence and Nancy Pelosi.” Johnson took a deep breath. “I wouldn’t be a bit surprised if Pelosi wasn’t behind the whole affair. Democrats have done everything in their power to disgrace President Trump, who everyone agrees is the greatest leader this country has ever had!“

Johnson believes patriots like himself are the only ones left to save America.

“It’s going to take people like me, Kevin McCarthy, Mike Lee, Marjorie Taylor Greene, Ted Cruz, Lindsey Graham, Josh Hawley, Jim Jordan, Devin Nunes, and every good Republican who refuses to play politics and only wants what’s best for our nation,” Johnson declared. “We all know that the only thing that will save America is to do God’s will and get Donald J. Trump, The Chosen One, back in office because Joe Biden stole the election.“

Johnson continued babbling his nonsense after his microphone was shut off and was eventually removed by a team of animal trainers (from Hollywood).

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

Former Texas Governor Rick Perry says he knows his people “like the back of my hand,” as he points to his open palm. “And Texans are tough, they don’t need no handouts from nobody.”

Perry, who ran the Energy Department in the Trump administration (even though he didn’t know what it did), believes too many people have a dependency on utilities.

“Texans are happy to go without rather than relying on the federal government giving them stuff,” Perry says. “We’re makers, not takers. We don’t need luxuries like power and clean water.”

Texas had a catastrophe last week when the state-run power grid failed–– causing clean water issues and a cascade of problems for its 29 million residents.

“Other states are hooked up to a national power grid,” Perry explains. “That’s fine if you don’t have an adventurous spirit, if you like playing it safe. But that attitude ain’t what built the Lone Star State. We don’t need government interference. We like to let the free market rule, so we developed our own power grid. And because we let AOC use some of her newfangled liberal green energy, it ruined our power grid for everyone. Let that be a lesson. You can’t trust Democrats.”

Despite the hardship, Perry believes calamities like a statewide power failure are good for the residents.

“It helps build character,” he says. “I’ll bet some folks figured out how to build their own power grid and they were toasty warm.”

President Joe Biden has declared a major disaster in Texas, freeing federal funds and agencies to address the suffering in the state.

“Biden is trying to ruin Texas,” Perry claims. “He stole the election and now he’s just trying to steal some Texan support. But it won’t work. We’re not going to be taking candy from strangers.”

Perry puts on a cowboy hat and declares the interview over.

“I got a flight to catch,” he says. “I’m going to take advantage of that great rate of $309 a night at the Ritz-Carlton Cancun. That’s a smoking deal!”

And with that, the cowboy rode off into the sunset.

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

Caroline and Catherine Cruz may be children, but that doesn’t give them a license to force their father into politically sticky situations!

Texas Senator Ted Cruz told The Lint Screen his two “awful daughters” are responsible for his ill-timed family vacation in Cancun, Mexico.

“I wanted to stay in Houston,” Cruz claims. “I was going door-to-door to help my constituents. But my miserable kids and nagging wife kept bugging me they needed a break. They demanded I take them to a luxury resort in Cancun, and I let them talk me into it. I regret that–– our trip was a mistake.”

Cruz shakes his head as he recalls the horror of his miserable family life.

“I’m a simple man,” he confesses. “I’m happy with the bare necessities. I am a maker, but I’m afraid my family is takers. Heidi and my daughters sponge off of me. They refuse to pull themselves up by the bootstraps. I work hard, and they play hard. It’s a shame, really. I wished my family showed more grit.”

The Texas patriot says the ill-timed trip was taken out of love for his family.

“Look, my children aren’t perfect,” he says, “and neither is my wife. I do my best to keep them happy. It was freezing in our house. We had no power– so we were huddled around our fireplace trying to stay warm. The kids bellyached they were hungry, and they killed our family pet, the cutest little dog called Pepper. They cooked him in the fireplace and ate him. I cried. Poor little Pepper.“

The Texan chokes back tears. “Finally, I succumbed to their repeated requests to skedaddle south and lounge in the Ritz-Carlton Cancun. It was a big mistake, but a mistake I did out of love for my family.”

Cruz smiles and sits up.

“People can criticize me all they want,” the senator says. “But if a man loving his family too much is bad, well, I guess I’m bad. Just know that I give that same unconditional love to my fellow Texans, and I hope they remember me at the ballot box.”

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

Ted Cruz is the kind of Texan that would make Sam Houston’s eyes teary.

The svelte senator leaped into action when Texas experienced massive power outages statewide this week.

“I saw my people suffering,” Cruz told The Lint Screen. “And that sight was too much for this cowboy. So I saddled up my family and headed south to Cancun, a place known for its endless sunshine and warmth. I brought some extra large luggage to bring some of that heat back to Texas. Heat for my people, who I love so very much.”

Cruz said the “liberal media” was determined “to do a hit job” and criticized him for leaving on vacation in a time of crisis.

“I’m like Rush Limbaugh,” the Republican politician said. “Rush was a great man who recently passed to his reward. Like him, I’m a man with endless love, compassion, and generosity of spirit. I always give people the benefit of the doubt. I look for bipartisan cooperation in Washington. But some people want to attack me for no good reason. It’s this horrible liberal cancel culture. Just like they attacked our greatest leader, Donald J. Trump. And that’s very unfair. It’s not right, or very Christian.“

Cruz said he rushed home after his flight to Mexico because he was concerned for his fellow Texans. “But because the media tried to lynch me, I wasn’t able to pack the Mexican heat and bring it back to Texas. I could have saved the state. But, I’m afraid we’ll have to suffer another day or so, thanks to the lame stream media! I hope they’re happy.”

Cruz wants all Texans to know he always has their best interests in his heart.

“I am a man with absolutely no ego,” he said. “I live to serve. And if my fellow Texans are cold, then, by gum, I’m going to do something about it. Even if that means going to a land of murderers and rapists, like President Trump said. A place where they send deadly caravans to invade us. But I took my life into my own hands and went deep into Mexico to find the warmth my people needed. But because the media crucified me, I wasn’t able to deliver, and I feel awful about that. I hope the liberal media is happy. They ruin everything.”

Cruz said it was a very dangerous mission to the south he attempted.

“The only sunblock I could find at the CVS was a lousy SPF-15,” Cruz said, batting his eyelashes, battling tears. “I could have died down in Cancun. Burnt to a crisp. I’m sure I would have been a Texas martyr.”

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.