Two leaders of the Republican Party are outraged at the dangers looming within their own ranks.

House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy and South Carolina Senator Lindsey Graham are committed to crushing fellow party members who don’t support disgraced former President Donald Trump. The leaders are angry at GOP representatives and senators who voted for the impeachment of Trump.

“We will destroy those weak GOP politicians who didn’t fall in line,” McCarthy told The Lint Screen.

“These Trump traitors better get behind the big guy fast, or there will be hell to pay,” Graham promised. “He is our Chosen One and everything he says is gospel. He told us himself that God put him here to save our nation.”

“Trump’s like Jesus, only better,” McCarthy added. “I mean, Jesus looked like a dirty, unemployed hippie, and Donald Trump looks like a successful businessman. He sacrificed billions to save his people, and had a hit TV show, for crying out loud. Jesus never had a show, not even on cable access.” McCarthy shakes his head, then, sighs. “Look, the bottom line is all Jesus did was die for our sins to save us from eternal damnation. Trump came here to make America great again and save us from the evil Democrats and Satan. Americans need to praise Trump! If they don’t, they’ll suffer the consequences. The Proud Boys are standing by!“

“Mitch McConnell better watch his back,” Graham said, his baby blues twinkling. “He may accidentally trip down some stairs, or choke on some Arsenic soup. And ol’ Mitt better stop going off the reservation if he knows what’s good for him. All those Senators who voted for impeachment are going to get a licking,” Graham said, licking his lips, purring like a cat.

“I talked to my people,” McCarthy said. “I said I want all Republican representatives to be like Jimmie Boy Jordan, Matt Gaetz, and Marjorie Taylor Greene. Those patriots are the future of our party–– they live to serve their master.”

“That’s what we all have to do,” Graham said, his lips trembling. “I love Donald Trump so much, I really do. I just want to be with him all the days of my life.”

The Southern senator broke down sobbing, McCarthy consoled him by rubbing his back and humming The Village People’s “YMCA.”

“It’ll be okay, Lindsey,” McCarthy said. “We all just want to be with him. He is our savior.”

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

The defense team for disgraced former President Donald J. Trump made the case yesterday that religion is at the root of his second impeachment.

“Democrats have always hated God,” Trump lawyer Michael van der Veen said. “They are led by Satan, so naturally, they hate Donald Trump. They refuse to acknowledge that Trump is The Chosen One our Lord has sent to save mankind.”

van der Veen plead his case with righteous indignation, an attitude sure to please his master watching on TV in Mar-a-Lago.

“This impeachment is a total witch hunt,” van der Veen said. “The Democrats say Trump incited an insurrection when we all know the president told the crowd to go peacefully. Like Jesus Christ, Donald J. Trump has always only acted with love in his heart. He cares deeply for morality, dignity, and civility for all people.”

The defense attorney plead the case that Trump’s call with Georgia Secretary of State Brad Raffensperger was done in the interest of justice.

“The president’s call was done to sort out a grave injustice,” van der Veen said. “Everyone knows Donald J. Trump won the election in a landslide. He won all 50 states, he told us this himself– and as I have already proven beyond a shadow of a doubt, ex-President Trump is The Chosen One, sent by our Creator. He would never lie! I think this accusation is proof of the moral bankruptcy of the Democratic Party. Trump was calling Raffensperger to correct the obvious injustice inflicted on him. Donald Trump was politely requesting 11,780 votes to right the wrong. He was doing God’s will!”

van der Veen believes the Democrats and any American who doubts the divinity of Donald J. Trump is destined for an eternity in hell.

“I don’t know how much clearer I can state my case,” van der Veen said in summation. “Donald J. Trump would never lie, incite violence, or do anything against his fellow man. Anyone who says differently is guilty of refusing God, and thus, destined for a lake of fire.”

van der Veen ended his defense by leading the Republican Senators in a prayer and pledge of eternal faith to their master, Donald J. Trump.

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

Atty. Bruce Castor, one of the lawyers defending disgraced former President Donald J. Trump in his second impeachment trial, was lambasted after presenting his rambling, incoherent defense to Senators yesterday. Castor reached out to The Lint Screen (Washington Bureau) and requested an op-ed to continue his defense. Here it is in its entirety.

Yesterday I was in that magnificent building many call the United States Capitol, and I presented my airtight argument for why Donald J. Trump should NOT be convicted of impeachment.

“Impeachment” is a funny word, isn’t it? I think impeachment could almost be a flavor for Wrigley’s gum–– with sweet peach taste that’s boosted by a refreshing mint flavor. I believe that Impeachment Gum would be a hit. Certainly much better than Juicy Fruit, which I think loses its flavor too fast. I think we can all agree on that.

Now, I have no beef with Doublemint Gum–– that’s a classic flavor that lasts a long time. Who here remembers the Doublemint Twins–– those attractive girls they used to feature in their TV ads? I remember them and good golly, those girls were pretty as a picture.

I suspect we don’t see the Doublemint Twins anymore because of political correctness. That seems to be everywhere these days, doesn’t it? Some call it P.C. That’s an abbreviation, I believe.

Now, let’s talk about the American Constitution.

I keep a copy of the Constitution in my breast pocket. I don’t know about you, but I think pockets are one of mankind’s greatest inventions. Stop and think about it–– where would be without our pockets? What do we do with our loose change, our wallets, our car keys, our packages of refreshing chewing gum? I sure wouldn’t want to go through life carrying a box with my personal belongings, but, that’s just me. No, sir. Give me pockets!

Back to the Constitution. The framers of the Constitution–– wait, that’s a pretty funny expression, isn’t it–– framers. Every time I hear that word I think of what framer literally means: to put something in a frame.

Did our forefathers operate framing shoppes? No, I don’t think so. That would be silly, wouldn’t it? I think we can all agree to forget I ever said that.

When we refer to ‘framers of the Constitution,’ we’re talking about the patriots who wrote that sacred document. They did their writing, or framing if you will, on paper. Of course, back in those days they called paper “parchment” which I think is a much classier term. Imagine if you were going through a painful divorce… not that I would wish that on anyone… wouldn’t it be much more powerful to be served divorce parchment than divorce papers?

I think we can all agree on that. I hope every Senator in here has a happy marriage. And Senator Lindsey Graham, I know you’re not married yet. You must not have met the right women, I suppose. I do hope you find that lucky lady and enjoy a long loving union with many children. Aren’t children the best? I don’t think anyone would argue that.

Marriage is a wonderful blessing.

Now, we call the Constitution a sacred document for a reason–– it is almost as if it were written by the hand of God Himself. Now, I don’t want to get into pronoun debates here, please allow me to assume our Lord is a man. After all, He has a long white beard, doesn’t He? I wouldn’t wish a beard on any woman, would you? I don’t think so.

Senator Graham, I think you’d look good with a beard.

But if the Constitution is a sacred document, why didn’t our framers write it on stone tablets? After all, isn’t stone tablets the medium God used when He wrote the Ten Commandments which he gave to Moses?

Let’s face it, stone tablets certainly have more permanence than paper, even if it is heavy parchment!

You know, it occurs to me parchment is another word that could be a Wrigley gum flavor. It would be a chewing gum for when you are really thirsty, or parched, and it has a refreshing mint flavor. One that lasts!

Boy, I don’t know why I have gum on my mind today. I think I may enjoy a stick or two later. Chewing gum relaxes a person, doesn’t it?

So, why didn’t our forefathers, or framers, write the Constitution on stone tablets? It’s a valid question, you have to admit. If stone tablets were good enough for God, why wouldn’t it be good enough for our framers?

We don’t know. Life is full of mysteries, isn’t it?

In the final analysis, I think we have to accept the fact that the framers used parchment and thank goodness we still have the Constitution. And if you read the Constitution carefully, I think we can all agree Donald J. Trump cannot be impeached because he is no longer president and in Washington, D.C., and everyone knows man’s laws do not apply to Florida.

Thank you, Senators. I believe you are all perhaps the greatest humans who have ever lived. True patriots. Especially you Republican Senators. And, Senator Lindsey Graham, I hope you find a lovely bride and are never served divorce parchment.

I rest my case.

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

Anchorman Lou Dobbs would take a bullet for disgraced former President Donald J. Trump, but that obedient loyalty couldn’t save him from being fired by Fox Business Channel.

“Fox gave me my walking papers,” an upset Dobbs told The Lint Screen. “That’s the thanks I get for giving them the best years of my life. I’m only 75, for Pete’s sake. I could have given Fox another 25 or 30 more good years. Instead, they make me a victim of cancel culture for telling the truth. Thank God we have QAnon and Marjorie Taylor Greene not afraid to tell it like it is. And we blessed to have patriots like The Proud Boys to storm the Capitol and hunt down traitors!”

Many industry insiders suspect the firing came as a result of Dobbs being named a defendant in a $2.7 billion lawsuit filed by election technology company Smartmatic. Hyperbolic Fox anchors, Maria Bartiromo and Jeanine Pirro were also named in the lawsuit.

“I guess that election company is upset because I wouldn’t lie,” Dobbs says. “I told America the truth–– Donald Trump was cheated of his second term by these voting machine companies. Trump told us he won in a landslide. He won all 50 states! But somehow, magically, four days later they add all the votes and say Biden won. We go from a Trump landslide to a loss in four days! How crazy is that? Kevin McCarthy better do something about this!“

Dobbs face bloats and turns bright red. He takes a deep breath and continues.

“Something was definitely hinky. I mean, why would Donald Trump lie about a landslide victory? He’s our president for crying out loud. If America can’t believe its president, who can we believe? Biden is to blame for this! Check Hunter Biden’s laptop. Hillary’s emails. What about Benghazi? We need to stop the steal. Now!!!”

Dobbs begins hyperventilating. An assistant helps him by holding a paper bag over his pie hole. When the anchorman calms and catches his breath, he elaborates.

“The voting machine technology was invented by Hugo Chavez (who died in 2013),” Dobb rants. “Chavez was a socialist. The Democrats want Americans to become socialists. They want to take our guns and bibles and force us to have sex with animals then have abortions. Trump is the chosen one! Only he can save us from Biden, AOC, and the mob of Democrat desperadoes. Wake up America! The caravan is coming, the caravan is coming! Build the wall! Cage the children! Benghazi, Benghazi, Benghazi!!!”

The assistant quickly runs to the corner, grabs a rifle, aims, and tags Dobbs with a tranquilizer dart. The bug-eyed looney stumbles around like he’s downed a bottle of Chivas. Dobbs topples over a coffee table, and falls face first to the ground.

“Only Trump can protect us,” he whispers, before going off to slumberland.

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

Georgia Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene sees monsters in every shadow. And on Groundhog Day, that monster is Punxsutawney Phil.

“We must stop celebrating Groundhog Day,” Greene told The Lint Screen. “We can’t allow one rodent in the middle of nowhere Pennsylvania to rule our weather. He’s condemning us to six more weeks of winter. Oh, and another thing– that lousy groundhog stole the election for Joe Biden. This dastardly varmint must be stopped!”

Greene is a kook from Georgia who believes all sorts of conspiracy theories. Her latest one about Punxsutawney Phil is a doozy even for her.

“That groundhog is a mole put here by George Soros, Dr. Fauci, and Tom Hanks,” Greene preached. “The critter connived and cheated Donald J. Trump his rightful place on the throne of the presidency. Trump was put here by God and that groundhog was put here by the devil himself.”

Greene believes the groundhog shoots lasers from its eyes and breathes fire.

“Punxsutawney Phil took millions of ballots for Trump and lasered them into oblivion,” Greene claims. “He also burned countless Trump ballots. Like a dragon! The groundhog must have done something bad because Donald Trump told us he won in a landslide–– and that man don’t lie. It’s pretty suspicious President Trump somehow lost days after the election.”

The nutty representative thinks the groundhog is not good for democracy.

“The only way America will ever be free is to surrender itself to Donald J. Trump,” she said. “This Pennsylvania groundhog has a mind meld with Joe Biden and is controlling him to destroy out country and our freedoms by trying to inject every American with what they’re calling a vaccine. Know what it really is? It’s a magic potion that causes people to obey whatever Biden says. God only knows what evil Soros will tell Biden to do. If we allow this groundhog to live, we’re destined to become a socialist country with national healthcare and Antifa clubhouses on every corner.”

Greene said she will be meeting with House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy soon to discuss some of the problems she sees ahead.

“These are dangerous times,” the blond gun-totin’ looney said. “And we must get Trump back in office to stop this hoax pandemic and make our country great again. That’s all the patriots were trying to do on January 6–– to bring our country back together again under the excellent leadership of Trump. And the only way to do that was hanging Mike Pence, traitor RINOs, and every Democrat in the Capitol.”

Greene leans in and whispers. “I suspect that groundhog is also a Jew.”

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

The world of investigative journalism was rocked by The Lint Screen when it obtained an exclusive recording of the conversation between House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy and twice impeached former president Donald J. Trump.

A reporter disguised as a Mar A Lago waiter planted a recording device in the room where the power brokers met. Here is a transcript of the conversation between Donald Trump (DT) and Kevin McCarthy (KM).

KM: Mister President, I have to say this is the most beautiful place I’ve ever seen. It’s absolutely magnificent! Breathtaking!

DT: Everyone says that, Kevin. They say Mar A Lago is very tasteful. Very refined. Very swanky. Now, don’t try and butter my bread. I heard what you said about me having a part in that little misunderstanding on January 6.

KM: That was fake news, Mr. President.

DT: I saw the video, Kevin.

KM: I was misquoted. The press took it out of context.

DT: I heard exactly what you said, Kevin. It sounded like you thought I was to blame. You were showing signs of having a spine. Have you grown a spine, Kevin? Do you suddenly have balls?

KM: Oh, no, Mr. President. You know me, I am a very weak man. A jelly spine. Completely castrated. No bravery or integrity whatsoever and––

DT: You were disobeying your master, Kevin. You didn’t show loyalty.

KM: No, Mister President, please, perish that thought. I will do whatever it takes to show my absolute loyalty to you.

DT: Will you wear the Trump brand?

KM: A Trump necktie? MAGA hat? Trump tee shirt? I’ll wear whatever you like.

DT: No, my brand, Kevin. My name branded on your ass. All my most loyal followers have it as proof of their undying allegiance to me.

KM: Well, I uh––

DT: So, you are showing signs of a spine!

KM: No, no, not me. Sure, Mister President. I’d love to wear your brand. It would be an honor. When can I schedule that– next month? I’m really looking forward to it.

DT: No. Now, Kevin. (SHOUTS) Jared! Jared, he’s ready!

JARED KUSHNER WALKS IN WITH A RED HOT BRANDING IRON WITH THREE INCH LETTERS READING TRUMP

JK: Drop your pants, Kevin, and bend over.

KM: Maybe we could do this later––

DT: Now, Kevin! I need to know you’re on Team Trump.

KM: Yes, master.

MCCARTHY DROPS HIS PANTS AND UNDERWEAR. JARAD FIRMLY APPLIES THE HOT TRUMP BRAND TO MCCARTHY RIGHT BUTTOCK.

KM: Owwwwwwwwwwwww!

AFTER FIFTEEN SECONDS OF SIZZLING FLESH, JARAD REMOVES THE BRAND AND SMILES.

DT: I love the smell of fresh-branded flesh.

JK: Is there anything else, Mr. President?

DT: No. Beat it, Jared. Tell Ivanka I want to see her at five. Room 616. Tell her to wear something lacy. Red.

JK: Yes, Mr. President.

JARED SCAMPERS OUT OF THE ROOM.

DT: Pull your pants up, Kevin, I don’t want to see your junk.

KM: Yes, master. Do you think I could get an ointment?

DT: No! Think cool thoughts. And don’t you ever disobey me again, do you understand?

KM: Yes, master. Never. I am yours. How may I serve you?

DT: Marjorie Taylor Greene. I like that girl’s guts. She makes a lot of sense. Very smart. I want you to give her more power. I want Greene to be the voice of the Republican Party.

KM: Yes, master. I will do as you command.

DT: And I don’t want anyone in the Capitol to ever disgrace the patriots who came to save democracy on January sixth. They were trying to stop the steal, showing loyalty to Trump. I want all Republicans to fall in line. You tell Mitch he better get his people on board or there will be hell to pay. Hell to pay! I don’t want a single Republican to vote for impeachment. Not one!

KM: Yes, Master.

DT: I won the election fair and square.

KM: Absolutely. Fair and square.

DT: In a landslide.

KM: Landslide.

DT: Everyone knows Biden cheated. He stole the election.

KM: Stop the steal!

DT: Black people don’t have the right to vote. They never did.

KM: No black votes. Blacks don’t count.

DT: And for chrissakes, don’t say the last part out loud. Just get state GOP leaders to get more voting restrictions for blacks.

KM: State leaders have to get in line. No black votes.

DT: Good. You’ve got your marching orders, Kevin–– if you ever cross me again, or show one shred of decency, integrity, or bravery, I’ll have your head on a pike. Now get the hell out of my sight.

KM: Yes, Master. You are the greatest president ever, the greatest man ever, the greatest––

DT: Quit kissing my ass, McCarthy. Beat it! You disgust me!

MCCARTHY RUNS OUT OF THE ROOM, BLOOD SEEPING FROM HIS PANTS. THE END.