While Americans are engaged in a fierce battle with COVID-19, Republican politicians are grappling with a rare spinal disease called Jellyboneitis, a mysterious affliction that causes a complete failure of the spine.

Minority Leader Mitch McConnell slithered to the microphone, was hung up on a coat rack, and spoke to reporters.

“Three weeks ago I was fine,” the frog-faced evil one said. “I thought that what President Trump did on January 6 was wrong and he should be impeached. Then I caught that horrible disease with the funny name. Now I don’t think we should convict Trump just because of a little misunderstanding at the Capitol. We need to forgive and forget. That’s the American way.”

Sen. Ted Cruz agreed.

“The Democrats are horrible, petty people,” the Texas Senator told The Lint Screen. “They are trying to divide our nation. All Trump and the GOP did was try to overthrow the government so we could keep our democracy free. We only betrayed the Constitution to achieve freedom by ignoring the election results and making Donald J. Trump emperor for life! Where’s the harm in that?”

Yesterday, 55 GOP senators voted against holding an impeachment trial for Trump proving they have Jellyboneitis.

“There was nothing wrong with what the president did on January 6,” Sen. Lindsey Graham said. “At first, I was mistaken and criticized President Trump for inciting an insurrection and having his people storm the Capitol. Then some angry Trump supporters yelled at me at the airport. I think one of them must have had Jellyboneitis because I suddenly thought that what the president did was fine. He just encouraged his people to tour the Capitol and take craps, urinate, steal, deface the people’s house, attack police, kill, find the traitor Mike Pence and hang him, and work to destroy our democratic republic. Where’s the crime in that? I don’t see it.”

“That spinal disease has really done a number on me,” Sen. Marco Rubio said. “I have absolutely no backbone, no courage, no inclination to do anything but praise Trump for his incredible smarts and leadership. How pathetic is that?”

“Jellyboneitis has knocked me for a loop,” Sen. Ron Johnson said. “I had no integrity before I got it, and now I’m all for supporting treasonous behavior. Seems all I want to do is kiss Trump’s butt.”

Sen. Rand Paul also has the disease.

“I’m an asshole when I’m healthy,” Paul said. “With this spinal thing, I am an asshole of biblical proportions. I’ve got a horrible case of hypocrisy. But I’ve always had that.”

Sen. Josh Hawley who along with Cruz was a vocal advocate for overturning election results also has come down with Jellyboneitis.

“I have zero honor, integrity, or courage,” Hawley said. “And because of Jellyboneitis, I not only have no strength to stand up to the wannabe dictator Donald Trump, I’ve also developed craven, cynical political motives for promoting myself as patriot while I try to destroy democracy. I think I may run for president someday, if President Trump lets me. All I have to do is continue worshipping him. There’s nothing wrong with that.”

The GOP is not seeking any treatment for Jellyboneitis. They seem perfectly happy to show no political courage.

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

Lame duck Donald Trump is planning the final day of his presidency which he will begrudgingly relinquish to Joe Biden on Wednesday, January 20th at 12:01 p.m.

The twice impeached president has been working closely with his vivacious daughter Ivanka Trump and her weenie of a hubby Jared Kushner in making plans for a grand send off from Washington before he infects Florida.

The ceremony will feature a military color guard, a military 21-gun salute, and a parade of Proud Boys featuring a rousing AR-15 2100-gun salute.

“Since we didn’t capture the Capitol on January sixth,” Trump told The Lint Screen. “The Proud Boys have lots of leftover ammo. They’ll use some of it to celebrate my four years of making America great.”

A red cashmere carpet will be laid down and Sean Hannity, Rush Limbaugh, and Tucker Carlson will frolic down the plush path tossing rose petals into the air before Trump marches to his throne and observes the festivities in his honor.

There will be a military marching band, jugglers, acrobats, stilt walkers, a marching 90-piece symphony orchestra, contortionists, caged mimes for torturing, Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade cartoon character balloons, face painters, tattoo artists, clowns making cute animal balloons, trained dogs, chimpanzees, and horses performing amazing feats, ferris wheels, a Tilt-A-Whirl, cotton candy machines, Belgian waffles, funnel cakes, candy apples, salt water taffy, bacon-wrapped filets on a stick, butter-fried lobster tails, deep fried caviar, Big Macs, buckets of KFC, Dom Perignon snow cones, and deep friend Perrier Water.

“I want this to be better than any party Washington has ever seen,” Ivanka said. “Daddy deserves it since that mean Joe Biden stole the election from him. Daddy won in a landslide, he told me he won bigly time when I sat on his lap for six hours on election night.”

Sen. Josh Hawley and Sen. Ted Cruz will fight in a cage match to determine who is the biggest and best Trump sycophant. The winner will face Sen. Lindsey Graham, then Rep. Jim Jordan, and Rep. Devin Nunes.

“It’s going to be a real dogfight,” the prez’s sidekick Kevin McCarthy said. “This is like the ultimate smackdown of ultimate ass kissers.”

When the festivities end, Trump and his family will load into Air Force One for one last ride heading south to his fab-o estate Mar-A-Lago where the monied class will want nothing to do with the shamed ex-president.

“I’ve been a great president,” Trump said. “Everyone says I’m the best ever. And who am I to argue?”

The president gives his signature two thumbs up as a large white “L” appears on his orange forehead.

Bye Don!

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

Today President Donald J. Trump made history as he became the first president in U.S. history to be impeached twice.

“It’s an incredible achievement,” Trump told the The Lint Screen. “No one has ever seen a worse president than me. My first impeachment was for extorting a foreign government for dirt on a political opponent, and my second impeachment is for inciting insurrection. My track record makes Johnson and Clinton look like school kids. And Nixon didn’t even have the guts to get impeached–– he resigned like a chicken.”

Trump is especially proud of the riot he caused on Wednesday, January 6, 2021.

“I had my mob of white terrorists ransack the Capitol.” Trump said, smiling smugly. “People died. Can you imagine the powerful feeling that gave me? I watched it on TV cheering. They would have killed politicians like Pelosi, Schumer, that coward Mike Pence who betrayed me. But they all hid like frightened little kids.”

The president is delighted his presidency is ending on such a high note.

“I am the best at being bad,” Trump said. “I am a lock for being the worst president ever. No one even comes close. I mean, how many other leaders actively worked to destroy democracy? No one. Only Trump. And the most amazing thing? My people will believe any bullshit I feed them. Hell, they still think I won the election because I told them I did- in a landslide!”

Trump gives his signature two thumbs up and smiles. “I am the world’s greatest.” He pauses. “Please don’t tell Vladimir I said that.”

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

V.P. Mike Pence is a happy man.

“I think the president and I have cleared our small flare up,” the milquetoast man told The Lint Screen. “That kerfuffle last Wednesday at the Capitol was simply a little misunderstanding between me and the boss. The president’s angry mob of patriots was instructed to hunt me down and hang me like a dog if I allowed Joe Biden to become president. Well, I guess I got that message too late. Oops! I told the president I was sorry for my tiny boner.”

Pence becomes shocked. “Oh, my, please don’t print that last line.”

Trump’s army of lunatics invaded the Capitol building as it was in the process of declaring Joe Biden the next president of the United States. Pence’s role was supervising the Senate as it officially declared Biden the winner of the Electoral College: 306 votes to Trump’s 232 votes.

“The ingenuity of the president’s crowd was remarkable,” Pence said, shaking his head in admiration. “They had constructed gallows with a noose for my neck–– can you imagine the dexterity required to fashion a noose knot?! It is amazing how the good Lord blesses some individuals with such incredible rope skills. When I tie up Mother, my knots are never as secure as she’d like them to be. She spanks me.” Pence smiled. “I deserve it.”

When the Capitol invasion happened, Pence was taken away by security forces and secluded in a safe space.

“I guess my secret service detail thought I might be in danger,” Pence said. “But I think they may have overreacted. The president assured me there were a lot of good people in the Capitol, his loyal supporters, and they would not have allowed a hair on my head to be damaged. Which is good because I use a can of Aqua Net every morning.”

Pence said he and President Trump have cleared the air of any ill will.

“Our nation is blessed to have Donald Trump,” Pence said. “He only wants what’s best for America, and he told me not enacting the 25th Amendment will help preserve the country so we can get to the bottom of exactly how Joe Biden stole this election. We really must stop the steal.”

Pence bows his head and says a silent prayer.

“I am so thankful the president spared my life,” he said. “I’d hate to have died like a dog on the gallows.”

The vice president smiled. “President Trump is a good man,” Pence declared. “He is a very forgiving and compassionate man and I’m honored to serve by his side.”

Pence leaned in and whispered, “Please tell the president what I said. Please!”

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

Rep. Jim Jordan used to be a wrestling coach at Ohio State University, but he didn’t have to put President Donald J. Trump in a half nelson to get a full throated compliment from the big man.

“I love Jimbo,” the maniac-in-chief said. “He has some of the softest lips in Congress and he knows how to use them.”

Today Trump awarded Jordan the previously prestigious Presidential Medal of Freedom, the highest US civilian honor. Other notable shitbirds Trump has awarded Medals to include Rush Limbaugh and Rep. Devin Nunes.

“Both Jim and Devin deserve this honor,” Trump told The Lint Screen. “Each man is a great ass kisser in his own right. They’re in the same league as Ted Cruz or Kevin McCarthy, or even Josh Hawley. These men have consistently coddled and enabled me as I’ve done my high crimes and misdemeanors. They’ll back all my looney conspiracy theories, no matter what. That kind of behavior does not go unnoticed by me.”

“I knew from the first time I puckered up and planted two lips the president’s pillows I was in love,” Jordan said. “It just felt like I had found my home. I’m not taking anything away from Devin, but I think he’s more of a sloppy kisser. I like to keep my kisses dry and passionate. Firm and warm pressure, that’s my secret.”

These weasel traitors to democracy have continued their assault on the Constitution throughout Trump’s reign of terror.

“Hell,” Jordan proclaims, “we even backed him on his recent bullshit election fraud cases. And we encouraged the murderous rampage ransacking of the U.S. Capitol. Whatever it takes, we got the president’s backside. People like me, we’re complicit cowards. We need a strong daddy figure like the president.”

“Jim, I love you,” Trump said, grabbing the coach and planting a kiss on his face cheek. “You’re with me to the end, right, buddy?”

“Right, Skipper,” Jordan said. “I’m always there for you! I’ve got no soul, no morals, no sense of decency.”

“My kind of guy,” Trump said, as he undid his trousers and Jordan dropped to his knees and went to work proving his mettle in earning his medal.

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

They believe whatever he tells them, and President Donald Trump for months has been telling his rubes if he somehow lost the election it “would be because it’s rigged.”

And like gullible suckers who believe in magic beans, they bought it. Hook, line, and sinker.

These “patriots” worried that the radical Joe Biden will destroy the beautiful utopian America Donald Trump has built, so they stormed the United States Capitol and trashed it.

“Oh, we did awful good,” Bucky Philips of Troy, Michigan tells The Lint Screen. “I think we made the president proud of his proud boys. He’s the law and order president and we brought law and order into the Capitol. We can’t allow Biden to get into office and cause anarchy. He’ll wreck the economy and won’t do a good job controlling the COVID like President Trump.“

“Biden cheated Trump out of the election,” Sheila Jackson of Salisbury, North Carolina says. “The president said he won in a landslide. Won all 50 states–– won them big. Trump don’t lie, he don’t have to, he’s the president! I read on Facebook the Chinese worked with Hugo Chavez, Alex Trebek, and Fidel Castro to rig the election for Biden. That just isn’t right, and we’re not going to stand for it.”

Cal Burson of Selma, Alabama thinks Donald Trump is God. “When he held up that bible in front of the church, I swear it sent chills up my damn spine,” Burson says. “Trump’s like Jesus his own self. And one dark night after drinking some liquor and smoking some oregano, he came to me in a dream and said the only way to save democracy is to destroy stuff in the Capitol and wave Confederate and Trump flags. When Jesus talks to you, you better believe I’m going to obey.”

Francine Kensley of Franklin Tennessee says she was persuaded to storm the Capitol by the president’s son Don Jr. “That guy is so dreamy,” she says with stars in her eyes. “I’d do whatever he tells me to. I just want to kiss him on the lips. He’s going to be our next president after his daddy. Then Ivanka, then Eric. The Trumps are our royal family.”

All these MAGA people say they ransacked the Capitol in order to protect our democracy.

“Thank God for good Christian patriots like Ted Cruz and Josh Hawley who bleed red, white, and blue,” Amy Catchly from Springfield, Missouri says. “They’re looking out for folks like us and not their own political future.”

“We can’t have elections that aren’t fair,” says Tim Kincaid of Helen, Georgia. “Had Trump won, then we’d know the election was fair. But since he didn’t, we can be a hundred percent certain it was rigged. And we can’t stand for that. Trump’s never lost anything, he was on TV and everything.”

Jim Tarony displays a Swingline stapler he stole from Nancy Pelosi’s office. “I got me some spoils of war,” he declares. “Can’t wait to staple me some papers.”

Ken Spindle scoffs when asked about criticism of their blatant vandalism. “Hey, maybe it wan’t Trumpers but was Antifa dressed like Trumpers. Ever think of that?”

No. No we didn’t think of that.

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.