Texas Senator Ted Cruz has made a shameless ass-kissing move by offering to fight democracy and reverse the presidential election President Donald Trump lost to Joe Biden by seven million popular votes and 74 impending Electoral College votes.

“I’ve got to do what I’ve got to do,” the pudgy cretin told The Lint Screen. “Guys like Lindsey Graham, Mark Meadows, and “Jimmy Boy” Jordan are parked by the president’s patootie full time. I need some stunt to get my lips on those sweet Donnie cheeks, and this is it. The big move for me to become daddy’s favorite lapdog!”

Cruz is offering to try the case of Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton in front of the Supreme Court. That case would nullify Georgia, Michigan, Pennsylvania, and Wisconsin’s election results, four swing states that swung a middle finger to the president by voting for Joe Biden. If the results are reversed, Trump will win re-election.

“Rudy Giuliani is down with the hoax flu,” Cruz said with tear-filled eyes. “There is no COVID-19, the lamestream fake news people made it up. Whatever’s wrong with Rudy, he’s under the weather. He is the greatest legal mind of all time, and it would be my honor to pick up his mantle and argue the case against Biden’s stealing the presidential election in front of Trump’s Supreme Court.”

Asked what legal precedent will allow the courts to toss out millions of votes in a democratic system, Cruz becomes agitated.

“Precedent? I’ll tell what damn precedent there is–– the president is angry as hell,” Cruz said, his fat little ugly face turning crimson. “President Trump is upset with the stupid American people. He knows he won every one of the fifty states. Biden must have cheated. Hell, look at all the people who came to all those Trump rallies. He had to have won in a landslide, case goddamn closed!”

The dislikable dwarf swings his arm in rage.

“The entire Republican Party stands behind our strong leader who has been the best president in American history,” Cruz screams. “We believe whatever he says and will do whatever he says because we have no genitals and jellyfish spines.” Cruz takes a deep breath, puffing up like a blow-up sex doll, and continues.

“Everything the GOP does proves one thing,” he confesses. “We are soulless, cowardly hypocrites who don’t care. And the American people had damn well better get used to Trump’s democracy. All votes and all support are for him, and him alone! Anyone who says otherwise is an enemy of the state and must be eliminated! They will be eliminated.“

This scared reporter ran like a kid being chased by a swarm of murder hornets.

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

President Donald J. Trump has been complaining about losing the presidential election for over a month. Most Republican voters agree that he was cheated, but what do younger Americans think?

The Lint Screen wanted to find out, so we conducted interviews with young people across the country.

Travis Middleton is a second-grader in Dayton, Ohio, and he was asked if he thought the election was rigged. “I guess so,” he said. “But I know for sure our team was cheated out of winning the soccer championship last year.”

Middleton, who plays goalie, recalls his team, the Eagles, being defeated 10 – 1 by The Bears.

“Their team cheated!” the child yelled. “They kept hitting the ball into the net in the goal, and that’s not fair. I wasn’t ready. We won! Everyone says we won.” Little Travis begins crying. “We got a trophy, but it was crappy. It wasn’t very big. I want the big trophy!!!”

He begins throwing books and swearing.

Melissa Tandore, age seven, lives in Gadsden, Alabama. She was asked if she thought Donald Trump was cheated.

“Sure,” she said. “And my teacher Mrs. Albert cheated me out of a good grade. She gave me a U for unsatisfactory. She says I’m a disruption in class, and I don’t ever raise my hand, and I always shout out wrong answers, but she’s just jealous because I’m so smart and I’m the best student she ever had and probably the best student ever, and she knows I should have got an O for outstanding, but I didn’t get an O because she hates me and wants to make me sad.”

Melissa sniffles. “I hate her, I hate her, I hate her!!! No fair!” The little girl throws her iPad Pro across the room and begins kicking the dog.

Tim Blayburg is a second-grader in Alameda, California. He was asked if he thought Trump was cheated.

“I dunno. Yeah, sure,” he says. “And my parents are cheating me because they make me go to bed by eight-thirty on school nights, and I wanna stay up and see Fallon, but they’re just poopy heads, and they don’t want me to have any fun. And my allowance is only five dollars a week, and I should be getting at least twenty dollars a week. And then there’s Santa Claus. He’s no fair. Last year, I asked for a Playstation 4, and I didn’t get one, and so I still have to play games on a lousy Playstation 3, and it’s just stupid, and it sucks, and this year Santa better get me a PlayStation 5, or I’m going to kick his fat butt. And my parents got me an iPhone Ten like two years ago, and it’s like so old and lame, and all my friends have iPhone Twelves. And then there’s my stupid grandma and grandpa who only give me a hundred bucks on my birthday, and that’s not fair…”

Blayburg complained for another forty minutes, but you get the drift. Kids are outraged our president was cheated out of an election he won fair and square.

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

Georgia politics is not for the weak-kneed or weak of heart. Down here, you best bring your A-Game, and even then, you better hope the teacher grades on a curve.

Georgia Governor Brian Kemp today admitted to what millions of Americans have suspected for a month–– he rigged the election so President Donald J. Trump would lose to the raging looney liberal Joe Biden.

“I hate that sumbitch,” Kemp told The Lint Screen, as he drained a tumbler of Henry McKenna Single Barrel Bourbon. “I tried for years to kiss Trump’s lily-white fat ass, and all he ever did was reject me. Push me away. So this was my payback. Stealing the election from him.“

Kemp was devious in his plans for revenge.

“See, what I did was let the president get all confident with the in-person voting,” Kemp says with a dastardly chuckle. “Then, when he’s celebrating his victory, moonwalking and whatnot, I pulled the rug out on him by dumping a whole mess of mail-in ballots–– all for Lil Joey Biden! Trump didn’t know what hit him.”

Kemp pours himself four fingers of Henry McKenna’s hooch into a Waterford cocktail glass and continues.

“The best part is the mail-in ballots were created in China,” Kemp says with a smile as wide as a cowboy’s bowed legs. “I knew he’d really hate that–– the thought of thousands of little Chinese kids ticking ballot boxes for Biden has got to get under his orange skin and flip his fake wig. Let’s see Rudy Giuliani bust me! I dare him.”

Kemp is elated with his election fraud and his state’s rigging for Joe Biden over President Trump.

“Consider this payback, Donnie,” Kemp says, draining his glass of bourbon. “Thanks to me, Georgia is now a liberal Mecca in a sea of red states. And it’s all because you wouldn’t allow me to be your friend. Well, you big fat loser, who’s sorry now?”

Kemp gives an evil maniacal laugh and grabs the bottle of Henry McKenna, and begins guzzling it like it’s Gatorade and he’s just run a marathon.

“Now I’m fixin’ to rig it so Purdue and Loeffler get buried,” Kemp says, wiping his mouth. “Those pricks never give me their stock tips. The greedy bastards.”

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

Fred Trump officially died in 1999, but like herpes, he hasn’t gone away.

The president’s father has been watching his son Donald for a long time, and he reached out from beyond the grave to give an exclusive interview to his favorite news source, The Lint Screen.

“I’ve been dead over 20 years,” Fred said, “and I spend most of my time spinning in the grave witnessing Donald’s childish antics. He got smoked by Biden in the election, and now Donnie says he was cheated. He lost. He’s a born loser. For Chrissakes, can you believe this guy? Donald was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and a horseshoe up his ass, but he still bitches and whines like a little kid. Pathetic. He’s pathetic.”

Fred Trump says he knows firsthand what a bad leader Donald is.

“Donald squandered every penny I ever gave him,” Fred declared in disgust. “Over the years, he blew through a billion bucks of MY money. I kept thinking, he’s got to get lucky one of these days, right? But no, not that idiot, Donald. Hell, he even found out a way to lose money on a goddamn casino. Who does that? Unbelievable.”

The father is ashamed of his son’s performance in the White House.

“Donald has ruined our family name,” the elder Trump stated. “It wasn’t much, to begin with, but he really shit the bed with his refusal to accept reality and temper tantrums. Christ, what kind of adult acts like that?! Grow a pair and man up!”

Fred Trump thinks Donald ran a horrible re-election campaign.

“He ran around the country spreading pandemic germs like the Johnny Appleseed of death,” Fred said. “It’s like he’s trying to kill his damn voters. And what about his lame response to COVID-19? Nothing, crickets. He calls it a hoax. Donald dodges responsibility every time he gets an at-bat. And when he loses, which is all the time, he takes his ball and goes home. What a wuss. For God’s sake, the only time Donald ever looked like he knew his ass from a hole in the ground was when he had that stupid TV show–– and let’s face, that thing was nothing but bullshit.”

Fred Trump said he had to end our conversation.

“These long-distance charges are killing me,” he said, hanging up.

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

While Jared and Ivanka are “all in” on Team Trump, they are making plans should Joe Biden, Hugo Chavez, Brian Kemp, and The Harlem Globetrotters cheat Donald J. Trump out of his second term (which he won in a landslide!).

Today the couple affectionately known as Javanka announced plans for a major entrepreneurial gambit, the world’s first retail chain of luxury live bait stores.

“We’re calling it La Maison de Live Bait,” a breathless Ivanka Trump told The Lint Screen, as she tossed her glorious locks to one side of her gorgeous face. “It’s an exciting blockbuster idea we can’t wait to get off the ground.”

“We’ve been noodling this concept for a long, long time,” Jared Kushner said as he flossed his teeth. “There has never been a dedicated chain of live bait stores in the United States, so there’s obviously pent-up demand in this fertile white space.”

Ivanka gives her man a healthy dose of her loving goo-goo eyes and continues.

“Of course, we’ll be opening in all major cities,” she said. “Even the Democrat socialist ones.”

“And,” Jared smiles, “we’ll also be opening in some rather unexpected places–– like the Mohave Desert and the Badlands of South Dakota. There are real white space opportunities there, and we plan to capitalize on them.”

Ivanka gazes dreamily at her handsome husband and coos.

“We are planning to open big with over 3,000 retail stores,” she says, blowing kisses to her hubby.

“And our store prototype is 12,000 square feet,” Jared says. “A superstore for your live bait needs.”

Ivanka begins go-go dancing with reckless abandon.

“Every store has luxurious surroundings,” she says, shimmy-shimmy-sashaying her way across the floor. “Live bait will be displayed in glass cases illuminated by jeweler lights.”

“We’ll have original artwork by masters, plush carpeting, a brandy, and fine liquor bar,” Jared says. “Of course, there will be a barista at a La Marzocco Linea Mini Espresso Machine, and Fendi Casa furnishings throughout. We want it to be a comfortable, unparalleled live bait shopping experience. And retail personnel will be dressed in formal wear. We want to project professionalism at the highest level.”

When asked why the enterprise would not carry the internationally recognized and respected TRUMP brand, Ivanka quickly replied.

“We don’t want to be associated with a loser,” she snapped as she tossed her head from side to side.

Be on the lookout for the La Maison de Live Bait luxury store opening soon near you. And good luck at the ol’ fishin’ pond!

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

Donald J. Trump has one again shatters presidential norms!

Every U.S. president since George H.W. Bush has issued a presidential pardon to a Tom Turkey in honor of Thanksgiving (but their gooses were cooked when Christmas came and their heads hit the chopping block).

Not so with President Trump.

The loser of his re-election bid was prepared to make his turkey pardon when a miracle happened–– the president cupped his hand to his ear and said, “What’s that Tom? Say it again? Oh, you want to pardon ME of all past crimes, present crimes, and future crimes. And pardon all my family members and loyal friends. Are you sure? You are—an absolute 100% ironclad pardon. Okay, then, I’ll sign an executive order pardoning myself and the people I like. Thanks, Tom Turkey, you’re a tremendous judge of character.”

Trump’s attorney Rudy Giuliani spoke to The Lint Screen following the ceremony.

“It was a miracle,” Rudy said. “God made that turkey talk, and he absolved President Trump of any criminal behavior.” Giuliani began mopping his brow and continued his foolish gibberish. “A talking turkey pardon is admissible in any court of law. Johnny Law can’t touch the president or anyone he gives pardon protection to. They’ve got what we in the legal trade call turkey protection. That carries more weight than a Papal dispensation.”

Trump later said the turkey told him the election was rigged, and he won the presidency with a thorough thrashing of Joe Biden.

“There you have it,” Rudy said, wiping brown streaks from his face. “Trump has won a second term. I knew I’d win this case. I am a great lawyer!”

Rudy Giuliani danced a celebratory jig.

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.