Rudy Giuliani may have made his bones as the Mayor of New York City, but he will be best remembered for his heroic efforts to save democracy by ensuring President Donald J. Trump receives justice in the presidential election in which he was cheated.

The following is the transcript of a recent trial in Pennsylvania as Atty. Giuliani presented his case on behalf of the president.

BAILIFF: All rise.

RUDY: Do we stand now? Is that what you want? You want us to stand?

(JUDGE WILLIAM CLYBORNE ENTERS, SEES RUDY, SHAKES HIS HEAD, CHOKES BACK VOMIT, AND SPEAKS)

JUDGE: Be seated.

CLERK: Case number 436-907-44-B, Donald J. Trump versus The Commonwealth of Pennsylvania.

RUDY: Is that us? Are we on?

JUDGE: Mr. Giuliani, am I to assume you are representing the plaintiff in this case?

RUDY: Yes, your honor. I like plantains. Like them a lot. Very tasty

JUDGE: (SIGHS) Not plantains, Mr. Giuliani. Plaintiff–– are you the one who brought this case before the court?

RUDY: Yes, your Honor. I come here today, seeking justice. It’s outrageous that President Trump was cheated out of his rightful re-election campaign by the dirty tricks and awful, horrendous, criminal cheating by that no-goodnik socialist Joe Biden and––”

JUDGE: Save your arguments, Mr. Giuliani, until we review your case.

RUDY: But your Honor…

JUDGE: Mr. Giuliani, I have reviewed the complaint you filed. Upon opening the envelope, I found nothing more than shredded newspaper, a rotted apple core, and a gold wedding band.

RUDY: You found it! Thank God, so that’s where my wedding band went…

JUDGE: None of the contents in the envelope constitute a legal complaint.

RUDY: Your Honor, the shredded newspaper represents the way Joe Biden shredded the Constitution in denying my client, President Donald J. Trump, the second term in office he so rightly deserves. He has made America great again and––”

JUDGE: Do you have any evidence of election malfeasance, Mr. Giuliani?

RUDY: I’m glad you asked, your Honor. Yes. Yes, I do. An airtight, bulletproof case. Rock-solid evidence. (GUILIANI TAKES A DRAMATIC PAUSE) I heard the Biden people had machetes, machine guns, and nuclear weapons and would not allow poll watchers to watch as they counted the ballots and––

JUDGE: You heard?

RUDY: Yes. From many people. Not only that, I heard they took ballots cast for Trump, put them in a big pile, and had a huge bonfire. And they read Chairman Mao’s red book of Communism by the firelight because they want to destroy America and––

JUDGE: Do you have any proof of these claims?

RUDY: These are reputable sources, your Honor. From good people who wouldn’t lie.

JUDGE Have they signed affidavits supporting their testimony?

RUDY: They’re not writers, your Honor. There were also angry Antifa crowds who intimidated Trump voters. They were helped by gangs of rapists who came up from Mexico in a caravan, a caravan! Very bad hombres, your Honor, and––

JUDGE: Have they signed affidavits?

RUDY: Well, no, your Honor. But trust me, they’re good, honest people. Patriotic and God-fearing red, white, and blue Americans intimidated by the Satanist army of pedophile cannibals who are the Democrat Party.

JUDGE: Mr. Giuliani, do you have one shred of evidence to support any of your claims, support your case?

RUDY: I found Hunter Biden’s computer, your Honor. He used his laptop to hack the election system and cast over seventy million illegal votes for his father and––

JUDGE: Proof, Mr. Giuliani, do you have any legal proof?

RUDY: I’m not one for paperwork, your Honor. But I know in my gut what happened. President Trump knows what happened. You know what happened. Everyone knows what––”

(THE JUDGE BANGS HIS GAVEL)

JUDGE: I am dismissing this case as frivolous, ridiculous, a total time suck, and an embarrassment to our legal system.

RUDY: But, your Honor, my client was cheated out of––

JUDGE: Bailiff, please shoot Mr. Giuliani, and put us all out of our misery.

(THE BAILIFF REMOVES HIS SERVICE WEAPON AS RUDY RUNS OUT OF THE COURTROOM, MAKING THREE STOOGES YELPING SOUNDS)

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Melania Trump is excited she’ll be moving soon.

“Donald got his butt kicked in the election,” she told The Lint Screen. “Sleepy Joe beat him by five million votes. Five million! But baby Donald has been yelling and screaming, ‘I won, I won!’ He is so angry he had the Secret Service go to an animal shelter and bring him a dog, and they held the dog so Donald could kick it. What kind of man does that? He hasn’t been this mad since he lost his Diet Coke sippy cup.”

The First Lady smiles. “It’s fun to see little baby crying and screaming.”

Melania said the president’s adult children make matters worse.

“Ivanka, Don Jr., Eric, they are weak and tell him he was cheated out of the election,” she says, lighting a Marlboro cigarette. “They make matters worse, blowing smoke up his Donald’s butt. It is the same thing with Republicans like Mitch McConnell, Lindsey Graham, and all the other ass-kissers. And the worst is the Fox News crew–– stupid Sean Hannity and that Tucker Carlson jerk, and all the rest–– they lie and feed his huge fat ego. Donald lost. Everyone knows it. He’s such a big loser. But everyone joins him in his pity party. These people are insane.”

She exhales a fog of smoke and continues.

“I got tired of hearing him screaming and crying, so I told him, “Donald, you should do like I always say and ‘Be best.’ Do you know what he did? He threw chicken bones at me and said, ‘Get out! I hate you. I hate you–– I won!’ He’s so funny when he’s mad like that. I laughed very hard. He probably Tweeted to feel better.”

Mrs. Trump is looking forward to moving out.

“The White House looks pretty on outside,” she says, “But it’s a dump inside. It’s like Donald with his fake teeth, make-up, and silly wig.”

Melania has never liked The White House interior.

“Everything is very old in there,” she says. “They say it is historic. I say it is crap. I wanted to throw out old furniture and paintings of old presidents, paint the interior gold, get new furniture, put in a disco with a mirror wall, lighted dance floor, and a mirror ball. They tell me I cannot do that. They say we have to preserve history. Who cares? History is old. I like new.”

The First Lady tosses her cigarette butt on the carpet and snuffs it out with the bottom of her Manolo Blahnik pump.

“This place is a hellhole,” she says. “I can’t wait to get out, get my divorce from Donald, get my payout, and get on with my life. I am tired of playing the happy wife. I will take my money and run. I earned it being with him. I am tired of babysitting Donald. He is a spoiled brat. Everything is about pleasing him and his stupid ego. Donald is a pathetic man. A hateful human. So sad.”

She lights another cigarette.

“Donald makes me feel cheap,” she says exhaling a plume of smoke. “And I am very high class.”

———————————————————————————————-

Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

The Trump family sticks together like stink on a skunk.

Today Eric Trump called The Lint Screen with new wild claims about the 2020 presidential election.

“Dad won in a landslide,” the least-liked-by-his-father Trump son said. “The Democrats robbed him blind, and we want justice.”

Eric excused himself to make a PB&J sandwich because he said he was hungry. When he returned, he told his tale.

“The Dems cheated,” he said, smacking his lips. “There’s a guy who says Biden people broke into post offices all over America in the middle of the night and steamed open election ballots. If they saw it was a vote for Donald J. Trump, they fed the ballots into paper shredders. They destroyed over 50 million ballots for Dad! That’s not right. Bill Barr is looking into this.”

Asked to identify the ‘guy’ who witnessed this, Eric became agitated.

“It doesn’t matter who he is, buttinski,” he said. “It was a guy. He saw it. Okay? Case closed, Dad won by a huge landslide.”

The president’s son said he had “to pee” and scampered off to “my little boys’ room.” This reporter did a crossword puzzled and waited. When he returned, he had more stories of voting fraud.

“There’s another witness, a woman,” Eric said “she saw Biden people abducting Trump supporters before they had a chance to vote. She said the dirty Dems had tranquilizer guns, and they’d shoot Trumpers, load them into big buses, and drive them to a secret enormous warehouse. Then they’d make our MAGA members fill out fake ballots for Biden. It was an illegal operation to rob Dad of votes and make-up millions of fake votes for Biden.”

Asked if the woman would speak on the record, boy Trump became outraged.

“Why would she make up a story like that?” Eric screamed. “She’s a patriotic citizen who’s trying to protect democracy! Do you have to be suspicious of everyone? You lamestream media are always trying to rob Dad of his second term. He won fair and square, but you won’t admit it. You guys can’t admit Dad made the pandemic disappear and saved millions of American lives. You can’t stand what a great leader Dad is.“

The Trump son heard music outside.

“The ice cream truck, the ice cream truck!” he screamed, overjoyed. “This interview’s over.”

He hung up. We have the exclusive story.

———————————————————————————————-

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Ivanka Trump is one hundred percent positive her father won a decisive victory in the presidential election, but even so, she says he may not serve again.

“Daddy’s pretty angry,” the first daughter told The Lint Screen. “So many Americans have been mean to him and disrespectful–– even people like Fox and Friends, who he thought were his friends. Daddy said he might not serve his second term. And that would be catastrophic for the country.”

Ivanka says she does not trust the election results she has seen in the media.

“As Daddy likes to say, it’s fake news,” she says, as she brushes back her luxurious blonde hair. “You know it’s false because you saw all those incredible crowds who came to hear Daddy speak at airports all over the country. There had to be millions of people at every rally, easy.”

Ms. Trump thinks Americans need to be much more appreciative.

“Look at what Daddy has done,” she says, shampooing her long straw-colored mane. “It’s an amazing track record. He built the world’s greatest economy, ended the COVID-19 pandemic saving millions of lives, did more for the blacks than Abraham Lincoln, and kept many Hispanics out of cages. No president has done more. He’s also a fantastic lover. Excellent kisser. Daddy’s very passionate.”

She begins her rinse, whipsawing her hair from side to side, spraying our offices. Ivanka begins applying conditioner packed with green tea and sunflower seed extracts, and jojoba oil. Husband Jared Kushner enters with warmed thick ‘n thirsty Turkish towels. When she finishes a second rinse, her manchild hubby towel-dries her scalp. He begins brushing and drying her glorious hair as she shouts over the noise.

“And after all Daddy’s done,” she says, “it’s insulting to have a hoodlum like Joe Biden and his crime family cheat him out of the election. An election everyone knows he won fair and square.”

Jared gives an obedient nod.

“I think every American owes Daddy an apology,” she says. “They don’t know or appreciate how much he gave up to be their leader. We estimate Daddy could have made $300 billion had he not accepted the stupid presidency job. And since he took it, he’s lucky if he made $10 billion. It’s just not right.”

As Jared begins brushing her thick, full, glorious hair, Ivanka smacks him sharply in his boyish face.

“Watch it, you clumsy asshole–– there was a tangle!” she rebukes him.

“Sorry, your majesty,” he says, cowering. “I’ll be more careful.”

Ivanka regains her composure and cool demeanor.

“If people want to make it up to Daddy,” she says, “our family has started a new fund to demonstrate the country’s gratitude for the great job President Trump has done. And I suggest people donate heavily, or he’ll really be upset.”

Jared gives a twitchy smile.

———————————————————————————————-

Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a dark humor romp across America in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

The White House is a sad place these days. Following Joe Biden’s decisive defeat of President Donald J. Trump in the presidential election, the mood in the Oval Office has been forlorn and embittered.

The Lint Screen relays the following transcript of a recent encounter between President Trump and the ghost of ex-president Richard Nixon.

THE SCENE OPENS AT MIDNIGHT WITH PRESIDENT TRUMP OVERTURNING FURNITURE AND SLASHING THE DRAPES OF THE OVAL OFFICE.

DT: I won! Everyone knows I won! Biden’s trying to cheat me!

THE GHOST OF RICHARD M. NIXON APPEARS.

RN: What the hell are you doing, Donald?

DT: What?! Is that really you–– Tricky Dick?

RN: Don’t call me that. I never liked that name.

DT: Hey, I’ve got your boy, Roger Stone, helping me out. He loves you. Has a tattoo of you on his back.

RN: Roger’s a good man. No morals. Evil as hell. Scum. My kind of guy.

DT: I got him out of some trouble. Busted him out of jail. Maybe he’ll get a tattoo of me.

RN: Maybe he will. Tell me why you’re making a mess of the Oval Office? Is something wrong?

DT: Didn’t you hear? Joe Biden’s trying to steal the election.

RN: Biden? Is that guy still around?

DT: Yeah. And he’s being mean to me. Very mean.

RN: Mean to you? Hells bells, man, everyone was mean to me. They tried to impeach me for Chrissake.

DT: They did impeach me! Very unfair. Shifty Schiff and Nancy had a huge witch hunt and––

RN: Don’t talk to me about witch hunts. They all came after me for Watergate and––

DT: Watergate was nothing, Nixon. I had Bob Mueller’s witch hunt on my ass for almost two years and––

RN: Everyone was after my scalp, Trump. They wanted all my records, my tapes. That weasel John Dean even ratted me out. And the whole damn thing was on national TV and––

DT: That’s nothing. I have all these late-night shows making fun of me. Colbert, Kimmel, Fallon, Meyers––

RN: Who the hell are they? Christ, I had Johnny Carson making fun of me. Johnny!

DT: Johnny was big…

RN: The biggest. None bigger. Sounds to me like you’ve got it good, Trump, compared to what they did to me.

DT: No, you’re wrong. Everyone has been very unfair, very mean to me. No one has been more abused than Donald J. Trump. No one in history.

RN: Hell, man, get a grip on yourself. Quit your bellyaching and self-pity. Draw on the courage you mustered when you served in the armed forces.

DT: I, uh… didn’t serve. I wanted to. But couldn’t.

RN: Why not?

DT: Bone spurs.

RN: Bone spurs?! You’re serious? Bone spurs!

DT: Very painful. Doctors said it was the worst case they’d ever––

RN: Trump, you sound like a big crybaby. A bellyacher. How in holy hell did you possibly get elected president in the first place?

DT: It was simple. I promised to make America great again.

RN: Wasn’t America already great?

DT: No. The country was awful back then. Obama was in office. He’s from Kenya. Black. A socialist. There was carnage. He crashed the economy. There were rats and poisonous snake everywhere––

RN: And you made it better?

DT: I built the greatest economy in history. Tremendous economy. Fantastic economy. I was the greatest president ever, even better than Lincoln, everyone says so.

RN: If you were so goddamn great, Trump, why didn’t you get re-elected?

DT: Biden cheated me.

RN: Uh, huh. How many votes did you lose by?

DT: About five million. So far.

RN: Five million!

DT: They were all illegal. They’re even counting mail-in ballots.

RN: I see. You know what I think, Trump?

DT: What, Nixon?

RN: I think you’re a big fat loser making a shambles of the Oval Office. You’re not up for the job. Unfit for office. I suggest you grow a pair and start packing.

DT: That’s not nice, Nixon.

TRUMP PICKS UP A CHAIR AND HURLS IT AT THE GHOST OF NIXON. THE CHAIR PASSES THROUGH HIS FORM AND CRASHES INTO THE WALL.

RN: (NIXON LAUGHS) I’ll leave you to your temper tantrum, Trump.

DT: That’s not fair, I couldn’t hurt you. I want to hurt you, Nixon. Get back here…

THE GHOST OF NIXON LAUGHS AND VANISHES AS TRUMP SOBS, STOMPING HIS FEET.

———————————————————————————————-

Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a dark humor romp across America in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

It may be all over for Donald J. Trump’s presidency (except for the crying, blaming, and lawsuits), but it appears Joe Biden is America’s next president.

And that has some of his most ardent fans enraged.

“This shit will not stand,” Tom Ribbens, leader of The Trump Troops, told The Lint Screen. “Donald Trump will always be our leader and savior. He gave us a reason to wake up every morning and dress like army men and claim victimhood for the unfair way society abuses white men.”

“I’m not accepting the election,” said Frank Waterloo, a disgruntled militiaman with a chip on his shoulder. “Joe Biden will never be my president because he cheated in the election. Who ever heard of counting all the votes? That’s un-American, and I ain’t standing for it.”

“It’s the deep state,” said Ken Olermin. “They conspired with the fake news media to try a coup against America’s greatest president, Donald Trump. It’s not right. Tucker, Hannity, Rush, Alex–– they know the score and told us the truth. True Trumpers worshipped the man. But Biden cheated him.”

Olermin spits on the ground and shakes his fist as he continues his inane blathering.

“Hell, Rudy went and tracked down Hunter Biden’s laptops. I think they had the steal the election conspiracy plans and Hillary’s emails on them. But the fake news media wouldn’t report it because it was the honest to God truth. They only tell fake news. It’s disgusting.”

Terry Mansent approached his comrades in arms with a distraught expression of doom.

“Hey, guys,” he said as he looked over his shoulder at his band of brothers. “Do you think these camo pants make my ass look big? Be honest. I need to know.”

The men circled the soldier with critical eyes.

“No, dude,” Charlie Westlake assured his friend. “They fit you real nice. Compliment your manly buttocks. I also like the way they ride on your thighs. I think they’re pretty slimming, Terry.”

“They’re sexy as hell, dude,” Tim Mullimaker said. “I think they’re a perfect fit. That camo really accentuates your lower physique.”

“Thanks, guys,” Terry said, his eye-watering. “That means the world to me. Sometimes I worry too much about my weight.”

“Get over it, dude,” Tom Ribbens said. “Camo hides everything, including cellulite. And remember, we need to keep our eye on the prize–– keeping Donald Trump president!”

The angry men cheered and began playing army again.

———————————————————————————————-

Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a dark humor romp across America in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.