Dr. Anthony Fauci appears to be a mild-mannered world-renowned immunologist, but don’t be fooled.

Beneath that petite exterior is a raging maniac with a lightning-quick temper and a bottomless reservoir of rage. The good doctor spoke with The Lint Screen about his feeling for President Trump.

“The guy is a grade-A horse’s ass,” Fauci said, as he bench pressed 420-pounds. “I’d say Trump’s a moron, but that’s an insult to morons. I’ve never met a man so brain-dead. His empty head is where information goes to die. He has a cheat sheet to remember his name. Trump’s an embarrassment to this country. Hell, to humanity.”

Fauci has been warning the public for months about the importance of wearing masks and social distancing in preventing COVID-19.

“What could be simpler?” the medic asks rhetorically as he deadlifts a 500-pound barbell. “But Trump goes around the country and crams his fans together, most of them mask-less. It’s like a death cult. Why’s Trump do it? Because the narcissistic egomaniac needs endless praise. Can you imagine the mental abuse his father must have done to damage that poor bastard’s psyche so badly? He’s pathetic.”

For his part, Trump is tired of “science” and “idiots” like Fauci.

“People are sick and tired of COVID,” the prez sez to his adoring masses crammed against one another. “I got COVID. I never felt better. I think the virus is great. Makes you stronger. Everyone needs to get COVID. And they will, thanks to me. Sure, old, weak people will die, but who needs them? All they do is take Medicare. They’re on their way to dirt naps anyway. Good riddance.”

Fauci grunts as he works the heavy bag with his bare fists. The bookworm breaks the canvas cover, and sand streams out. Fauci picks up a jump rope and skips 1,000 revolutions-per-minute.

“I’ve had enough of Trump,” the little powerhouse says. “I’m fed up with that two-bit con man grifter. All he does is lie, and people are going to die. For the good of the country, I’m ready to rip that orange clown’s face off. I’ll stomp on his fake wig and shove it up his ass.”

Bernie Schmidt, Fauci’s fight manager, aims his rifle and fires, tagging the doctor with an animal tranquilizer. Fauci slows down his rope skipping and collapses to the floor.

“The boss gets pretty worked up,” Schmidt says. “I gotta get him cooled down. If I were Trump, I’d watch my back. T always gets his revenge.”

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a dark humor romp across America in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

Judge Amy Coney Barrett is an artful dodger.

During her Supreme Court nomination hearings, the legal beagle would not be pinned down by Democrat Senators who wanted to know her judicial views on Obamacare, Roe v Wade, or the upcoming election and the powers of the president to influence its outcome in his favor.

“I can’t answer that,” was her constant refrain to inquisitions on those subjects. “Not until I look at the cases presented.”

She also would not be cornered on her views of many freedoms guaranteed by The Bill of Rights, like the freedom of speech, a free press, the right to assemble, and unreasonable search and seizure.

“It’s difficult to say,” she said. “I am an originalist. I would have to look closely at the cases presented, discuss them with my colleagues, and weigh the arguments. But since the Bill of Rights was not part of the original Constitution, it was drafted years later, I’m unsure. If we examine all the fake news lambasting our glorious leader, which is very unfair, and the outrageous protests against law and order, well, one could argue some of these so-called rights deserve further scrutiny.”

The Republican Senators began a wave that went through the hearing room as many shouted “whoo-whoo,” did fist bumps, tore off their masks, and pantomimed wiping their butts. Sen. Lindsey Graham did a moonwalk, then brought down his gavel to restore order. The good judge continued.

“I do know that God Almighty guided the hands of our founding fathers in drafting the original Constitution,” she said. “Although The Bill of Rights was not part of the original Constitution, I do believe in the right to bear arms. I think we can all agree that the Good Lord wants us to be locked and loaded as a safeguard against Satan in his many guises. But many of the other alleged rights may be subject to further examination. Hard to say. But we must always remember the sacred wisdom of our founding fathers. They were men. Men always know best. And these wise men knew what would be best for us then, and well into the twenty-first century and beyond.”

She did have reassuring words on her complete impartiality.

“I will make the decisions God tells me to make,” she declared.

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a dark humor romp across America in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

Millions of Americans sent their thoughts and prayers for President Trump when he tweeted last week that he and his va va va voom First Lady had come down with COVID-19.

But you can’t keep a good grifter down!

Trump was attended to by a team of medical experts at Walter Reed National Military Medical Center. All the king’s horses and all the king’s men put him back together again with supplemental oxygen, an experimental antibody cocktail, heavy doses of redeliver, the steroid dexamethasone, and monoclonal antibodies made by Regeneron.

After a few days in a hospital bed, and a joy ride in an airtight SUV with vulnerable Secret Service Agents, the big fella flew the coop back to his White House and did a Mussolini on the balcony, ripping off his mask for his adoring science-denying fans!

Now, the prez sez he’s “completely cured.”

“I’ve never felt better,” Trump said, as a servant delivered a Diet Coke. The president coughed on him, the servant left the Oval Office and collapsed on the floor. “Getting COVID-19 was a blessing from God. I’m like that guy in the Bible who died and came back to life. What was his name? Lawrence, Taurus, something like that. It doesn’t matter, you know what I’m talking about. I love the Bible. It’s a good book. A very good book.”

Trump said he’s never had more energy.

“I feel like I could rule the world,” he said as a Secret Service Agent fell to his knees and was carried away. The president continued. “I feel like if I didn’t like some leader, I could blow their shithole country off the face of the Earth. I have that kind of power.”

The president believes all Americans should share his enthusiasm and upbeat attitude.

“I want all Americans to get COVID,” he said. “You don’t have to fear it, people. Getting COVID-19 is good for you. Just get choppered to Walter Reed, have all the docs do their thing, take the happy drugs, and you’ll never feel better. It’s incredible. A tremendous feeling.”

Across the Oval Office, a cleaning attendant collapses. Chief of Staff Mark Meadows orders servants to throw the body into the bushes.

The president takes a sip of Diet Coke and says, “I’ve got this pandemic under control. Don’t let it dominate your life. It’s a gift from God. Trump 2020! Whoo-hoo!“

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a dark humor romp across America in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

A star was born at last night’s Vice Presidential Debate, and it wasn’t V.P. Mike Pence or V.P. candidate Kamala Harris–– it was the fly who made his debut on the stage of Mike Pence’s snow-white skullcap.

The fly, who identified itself as Rex, was all the Americans could talk about. Hollywood uber-agent Ari Emanuel immediately contacted Rex The Fly and signed him.

Emanuel contacted Netflix CEO Reed Hastings before the debate ended. The King of Streaming was excited. Emanuel negotiated a multi-million-dollar exclusive deal for Rex The Fly to star in a Netflix series, rumored to debut in the Spring of 2021.

“Rex gave an incredible performance,” Ari Emanuel told The Lint Screen. “He’s a natural. That fly oozes charisma and charm. You can’t look away from him. The world can’t get enough. I think Rex is destined to become a superstar. A global sensation. Mark my words, and I know entertainment, Rex The Fly is the Tom Cruise of insects.”

Hastings said Netflix couldn’t be more excited about his latest series.

“We’re putting together an incredible team. We’ve got the superstar showrunners on Game of Thrones, David Benioff and D.B. Weiss, developing storylines right now. And they think this new series is going to blow Game out of the water for drama, engagement, and buzz.”

Emanuel chimed in that he is building a dream team of stars to work on the upcoming un-named Rex The Fly Netflix series.

“We’ve got an incredible roster of talent signed-on, excited to work with Rex,” Ari gushed. “I’m talking our greatest directors jonesing to do episodes–– Quentin Tarantino, David Fincher, Martin Scorsese, Christopher Nolan, to name a few. And, some huge marquee names excited to have Rex buzz their heads–– Meryl Streep, Leonardo DiCaprio, Scarlett Johansson, Beyoncé, Shahrukh Khan, Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson, and, of course, Nicole Kidman. Nicole’s in everything.”

President Trump could not allow Rex The Fly to have his moment in the limelight without commenting.

“That fly was my idea,” Trump bragged. “And the fly will never be as big a star as I was in The Apprentice. I never got the credit I deserved. Very unfair.”

Stay tuned for big things from Rex The Fly.

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a dark humor romp across America in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

FDR was dead wrong. According to President Donald J. Trump, it’s not fear we have to fear, but fear of coronavirus. The most powerful man in the world tells The Lint Screen, “We have nothing to fear but COVID-19 itself.”

Trump discharged himself from Walter Reed National Military Medical Center after he showed a global pandemic who’s tougher.

“I kicked COVID’s ass,” the president gasps. He raises his right arm, huffs, and puffs, catching his breath. “Don’t let it dominate you.” The president doubles over, winded. After two minutes, he rises back up and declares, ” I am Superman.”

Trump announced to the world be was tussling with COVID-19 in an early morning Tweet on Friday after he had spent the day spreading his coronavirus at a fundraiser (complete with buffet line!) in New Jersey.

“I want to spread COVID,” the prez says in short breaths. “And make people immune.” He doubles over again.

White House Chief of Staff Mark Meadows orders a team of doctors to wheel in an oxygen tank. Trump grabs the oxygen tank’s plastic face mask and slaps it over his sweaty kisser. He waves the doctors away as he sucks deeply on oxygen for a few minutes catching his breath.

“I need more ‘roids,” the patient-in-chief barks to his medical team. “Give me roids, now, dammit!” Trump is on a steady diet of powerful steroids to battle COVID-19. The doctors scurry to attend to the president.

“I haven’t felt this good in 20 years,” Trump wheezes. “I’m 110%.” His face is red, his eyes bulge, and he commands, “More oxygen!” The docs help him put his face mask back on. He takes deep breaths, catches some wind, removes the mask, and blurts, “I’ve done a great job on COVID.”

Trump collapses to the floor as his medical team scrambles to help him. Mark Meadows orders reporters out of the office.

“The president needs to get back to presidenting,” Meadows says. “Nothing to see here, folks. President Trump is doing great.”

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a dark humor romp across America in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

The United States of America has fifty governors, but one stands out for thoughtfulness for his people: Texas Republican Governor Greg Abbott.

Today Abbott talked with The Lint Screen about his revolutionary plan to save his constituents “from the bother of voting” and why he’s doing it.

“Look, you might have heard there’s a pandemic out there,” Abbott says. “I don’t want to expose my Texans to the potential dangers of COVID-19. There’s been a lot of fighting about the legitimacy of voting by mail and the risks of voting in person and being beaten by white supremacists, so I grabbed the bull by the horns and made an executive decision–– I’ll protect my people and save them the hassle of voting. I’ll just vote for them.”

Abbott plans to decide what he believes the voting results will be in each of the 254 counties in Texas.

“I know my people better than anyone,” Abbott brags, “so naturally I always know in my bones the will of my citizens. And they can rest easy knowing I’ve got their backs on this.”

The kindhearted governor said he decided to spearhead voting chores because he saw the potential for trouble if the election was held in the traditional manner.

“For the love of God, we can’t even agree about wearing masks,” Abbott says with a chuckle. “Holding this election the same way we’ve always done would be a recipe for disaster. Let’s face facts, this COVID-19 Democrat hoax is so danged good, even President Trump and his beautiful bride Melania got themselves a dose. Democrats are devious cusses, let me tell you.”

Asked how he will ensure Texans can be confident in his forecasting their votes at the ballot box, the governor waves a dismissive hand.

“Texans know my heart is always with them,” the guv said. “Look, Texans are very busy people, and they know I am only doing this because it’s the neighborly thing to do. And, pardners, I am happy to do it!”

Abbott rubs his hands together.

“Boy howdy, it’s going to be awfully interesting to see how this race turns out. I can’t wait to know how Texans are going to decide this horse race. Y’all can color this cowboy curious!”

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a dark humor romp across America in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.