Chris Wallace, the last journalist at Fox News, almost lost his life last night as he moderated the first presidential debate between Donald Trump and Joe Biden.

“It was a living hell,” Wallace told The Lint Screen after the ninety minutes of verbal abuse. “Congress needs to get emergency law and order funding before the next debate. My producer joked I needed a whip, chair, and elephant tranquilizer gun to maintain order. I punched him in the mouth and said, ‘Shut up, smartass, I could have been killed.’ Trump ran amuck, and I had no protection. There needs to be law and order to contain this ‘law and order president’. He’s out of control.”

The debate was rock ’em sock ’em political brawling. America has never seen such an outrageous abuse of presidential powers.

“The next debate moderator needs the National Guard for protection,” Wallace said, visibly shaken and taking a long swig from a 1.75-liter bottle of Grey Goose. “Or at least mace, tasers, and an AK-47. No moderator should have to suffer the abusive pain I did tonight.”

Wallace guzzles more Goose. “It’s ugly and dangerous out there. Trump called on the Proud Boys for Chrissake. That MF-er has an army of armed White Supremacist lunatics. This dangerous thug must be stopped before he breaks democracy and becomes a dictator.“

The son of legendary investigative journalist Mike Wallace broke down crying.

“I love this country,” he sobbed. “And the only demonstration of American exceptionalism shown by Trump is his being an exceptional horse’s ass and bully. The man is out of his head.”

Wallace pulls on his Gray Goose bottle like a newborn suckling his mother’s breast. He snorts a few rails of Peruvian snow.

“Trump actually thinks he’s done a good job on the pandemic,” Wallace says, shaking his head. “That tells you everything. The guy watches too damn much Tucker Carlson and Sean Hannity–– and he actually believes that bullshit. Unbelievable.”

The Fox News journalist swallows a fistful of pills, washes them down, and throws his empty Gray Goose bottle on the floor, shattering it.

“God help us all,” Wallace whimpered.

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a dark humor romp across America in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

President Donald J. Trump is a man who loves shattering norms. His latest conquest? The American election system.

Today the president invited The Lint Screen to The White House and claimed he won the 2020 presidential election “hands down. A tremendous landslide victory.” Asked how that was possible when the election day is not until November third, the president became irate.

“We can’t wait until November, it’s too dangerous,” Trump said. “We have all these phony ballots flooding the mail system. You know the ballots are fake. Everyone knows they’re fake. The entire vote by mail thing is a hoax. The Democrats are working with the deep state trying to deny me my rightful victory. I couldn’t let that happen. For the good of the country, I decided to cut to the chase and give the people what they want, what they demand–– Trump! People love me!“

Surrounded by his family members and close friends in the Oval Office, the president celebrated his alleged victory.

“Dad really crushed Biden,” Don Jr. boasted. “Buried him. Biden didn’t even get one vote.”

“That’s right, Donnie boy,” Trump flashed two thumbs up.

“Loverboy sweet lips won all fifty states easily,” Ivanka Trump said as her father slipped his right hand on her left buttock and winked at her. “He’s a very powerful man,” she said looking at her grinning father.

“Yes I am, babydoll,” the president cooed.

“I’m proud to be a member of the president’s cabinet,” said Jared Kushner.

“My dad’s really important,” said Eric Trump. “He said he’s going to get me a pony, and I can have pony rides whenever I want!”

“I was just kidding about the pony, Eric,” Trump said. “Don’t be a sucker.” The son’s lips trembled and he ran out of the room sobbing.

“Be nice to Eric, Donald,” Melania said as she slipped on her diamond tiara. “He is very fragile.”

Chief of Staff Mark Meadows was elated at the news of the election.

“The president is the greatest leader America has ever had,” Meadows said. “Thanks to his decisive landslide victory, all the GOP candidates on the ticket were also easily elected. And all the Democrats will immediately be removed from Washington. They’re troublemakers.”

“So now we have Congress, the Senate, and The White House,” Trump beamed. “After I put a stooge on the Supreme Court, we’ll have that, too. And my first order of business will be abolishing all these stupid elections. They waste too much money and energy. We’ll scrap democracy for a good old fashioned monarchy. Look around this room–– the Trump family has some fantastic bench strength. We can lead America incredibly well into the future.”

Don Jr. accidentally poked his right eyeball with a pen, tripped on his feet, and fell hitting his head on the Resolute desk as Tiffany jumped up and down, waving her arms to get her father’s attention. He ignored her and cuddled closer to Ivanka.

“Hop up on daddy’s lap, sugar,” he said to his blond daughter he calls the hot one. “We need to celebrate.”

Jared Kushner’s lips trembled and he ran out of the room sobbing.

Sen. Mitch McConnell slithered across the floor with his forked tongue piercing the air along the way as Sen. Lindsey Graham puckered his lips in hopes of the president mooning him. Attorney General William Barr also puckered his lips in anticipation.

It was business as usual in The White House.———————————————————————————————-

Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a dark humor romp across America in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

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“Ivanka looks great in black,” President Donald Trump tells The Lint Screen. “She’s very sexy in dark colors, so she’s the perfect pick to replace Ginsburg. She’ll look a hell of a lot better in her black robe than Ginsburg did, I can tell you that.”

Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg, who died last week at age 87, leaves a vacancy on The Supreme Court, and Trump is scrambling to replace her before the November 3rd election.

“I alone can lead America out of the catastrophe of eight years of Obama,” Trump crows. “And because I have this incredible power, my children also have it. Ivanka is my hot daughter, no offense Tiffany, but she is. I’d marry Ivanka if it were legal.”

Ivanka smiles and basks in her father’s adoration.

“Honey, you change that stupid law when you get on the Court,” he says with a wink. “I’ll leave Melania in a heartbeat.”

The president is not concerned that Ivanka won’t be confirmed because she lacks a legal degree or practical experience.

“If my administration has shown anything, it’s that experts don’t matter,” the leader of the free world declares.

“I’ve watched just about every episode of Law and Order,” Ivanka says. “And I was a huge fan of Judge Judy. Being a judge doesn’t seem that hard.”

“These guys like Fauci and all the science brainiac types think they know everything, but I’ve proved them wrong all the time with my hunches and gut instinct. Look at my terrific response to the pandemic. They predicted a hundred and eighty million Americans would die. I’ve kept it down to only two hundred thousand. Does the fake news give me credit for that? No.”

Trump believes Ivanka can learn the role of Supreme Court Justice.

“She’s always been a fast learner,” the president brags. “She’s like her old man. I’ve talked to Mitch McConnell about Ivanka replacing Ginsburg, and he’s behind her one-hundred percent. All the GOP Senators will fall in line. They know a good thing when they see it.”

Asked about Sen. Susan Collins and Sen Lisa Murkowski’s public statements that they will not back a Supreme Court nomination before the election, the commander-in-chief bristles.

“They’re women,” Trump says. “Some women like being difficult. I’ll get them to fall in line. And honey,” he says touching Ivanka’s arm, “if they don’t, you put them in prison when you become a Justice.”

“Yes, Daddy,” the vivacious first daughter coos. Jared Kushner cowers in the corner sucking his thumb.

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a dark humor romp across America in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

If it wasn’t for the genius of Q, James Bond would have been dead back when he was a strapping young Sean Connery.

Q is the code name for M16’s (British Secret Intelligence Service) top inventor of devious weaponry. And President Donald J. Trump has long been a fan of his work.

“I love the guy,” Trump tells The Lint Screen. “Q is the best. Tremendous talent. For James Bond, he invented a sportscar tailpipe that’s a machine gun! And another pipe that makes smoke screens. He even created a pen that fires bullets. I want one of those pens. Black ink. Black ink matters. It’s bold. Trump bold.”

The president also likes that Q’s name is part of QAnon.

“There’s a lot of good people in QAnon. And they really like me,” Trump beams.

The president was so impressed with Q’s handiwork for 007, that he brought the mastermind out of retirement and has him developing weaponry for use against American citizens who dare to protest.

“These ungrateful bastards don’t appreciate all I’ve done to make America great again,” the prez says.

“The protesters, anarchists, and Antifa punks are out to destroy democracy,” Attorney General Bill Barr chimes in. “They are revolutionaries and must be stopped. With the president’s outstanding leadership and Q’s inventions, we’ll be able to stop the rabble-rousers in their tracks.”

Q developed the Active Denial System (ADS), a heat ray device that makes targets feel as if their skin is on fire.

“We weren’t able to secure it for our Lafayette Park photo op,” the president says. “I would have loved to scorch some scum, but Q had the device in the shop for a tune-up. We had to use traditional stuff like rubber bullets, tear gas, pepper balls, clubs, and opening cans of whoop-ass. Those traitors are lucky we didn’t have the hell-ray. I wanted to use flame throwers instead, but the P.R. hacks said it’d be bad optics. They always kill my best ideas.”

But the president had the protesters cleared from Lafayette Park, and he got his photo of himself holding a Bible upside down wearing a stern, authoritative expression.

“The Jesus crowd loves that kind of crap,” the nation’s leader said. “The religious rubes eat it up.” He leans forward and confides that Q is working on some new weapons for “putting those dirty Biden radicals in their place.” Bill Barr gets excited, his chubby cheeks quiver in delight.

“That’s right, Boss,” the tubby little cretin yelps. “Q is working on face masks laced with Novichok for protestors. We’ll distribute them at all gatherings.”

“That’s good. I like it,” Trump smiles. “Liberals love wearing face masks. Billy, send Vladimir a thank you note for the Novichok. That guy’s the best.”

“Roger, skip! Q is also working on a bazooka that shoots razor blades,” Barr says, getting manic. “Followed by a spray of vinegar and salt bombs.”

“That’s gotta hurt,” Trump chuckles. “How are we doing with building the prison camps to round up enemies of the state after my re-election?”

“Right on schedule, boss,” the chubby bootlicker says. “We’ll jail anyone who is not with us.”

“Good,” Trump says folding his arms. “I want the traitors tortured, too.”

“Absolutely,” Barr says rubbing his ham-like hands together in glee. “Whatever you say.”

“Damn right. I’m the law and order president!”

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a dark humor romp across America in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

Russia’s President Vladimir Putin encourages all Americans to rally their support for President Donald J. Trump in 2020.

“If Americans want be patriots, they must vote Trump,” Putin tells The Lint Screen. “Donald Trump has done incredible job. He is best president ever. Much better than black Obama.“

Putin has been very impressed by the performance of President Trump.

“He is strong man. He against fake news media. He enemy to enemies of state,” Putin says in clipped English. “Trump for law and order. Bill Barr justice. Trump will bring military and squash agitators like bug. Will demand order. Jail enemies. Kill those opposed to him. Clean up America. Rid country of liberal Biden radicals. Biden bad, bad man. Only Trump make America great! MAGA!!!”

The Russian president thinks Trump has done a “fantastic job” on COVID-19.

“He protect Americans,” Putin says as a white cat jumps on his lap and he pets it. “Pandemic hoax. Will disappear. Trump fights evil science. Masks bad. Distance to others bad. Fast vaccine good. No need for testing vaccine. Too much science. Waste time. No climate change. Science hoax.”

Putin believes President Trump has elevated the position of the U.S. on the world stage.

“Leaders like me, Kim Jong Un, Duterte in Philippines, Xi in China, el-Sissi in Egypt, and Erdogan in Turkey, we all fear Trump,” Putin says with hands waving. “Very scary Trump! Please stop, President Trump. You are so strong. So very smart. So handsome. You have beautiful wife Melania. Please to tell her all your deep secrets. She will keep safe secrets. Tell her everything. Military secrets. Nuclear codes. Everything. Tell Melania. She good woman. And Ivanka hot babe.“

The white cat looks up at Putin’s puffy pink face and swipes his cheek with its razor-sharp claws. Putin throws the cat from his lap, and it scampers away. The Russian leader dabs his bleeding wound with a silk handkerchief and smiles.

“Tell Americans they must vote Trump. He will protect them from radical Joe Biden. Trump wins or else war. America battle America.”

Putin smiles, claps his hands, and dispatches a goon squad to find the white cat and dispense Novichok on its fur.

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a dark humor romp across America in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

While the fake news media wets itself with glee over Bob Woodward’s new book Rage, the president takes down “this evil enemy of the people.”

Woodward released tapes of alleged interviews he did with President Trump back in February. On the tape, one hears the president confessing he knew COVID-19 was deadly, “more deadly than even your strenuous flus.”

“I never talked to Woodward,” Trump told The Lint Screen. “I don’t even know who Bob Woodward is. I think he might be that guy who worked with Dustin Hoffman to take down Nixon with their Watergate hoax. Nixon was a great president. Very honest guy, like me. These reporters are very nasty people.”

The Woodward tapes play for the president, and he listens carefully.

“That’s interesting,” he says. “It sounds a lot like my voice, but of course, it can’t be. Impossible. I never talked to him. Woodward must have impersonated me. Faked my voice. He’s like Rich Little. It’s very unfair. I mean, what kind of maniac would lie to the American people? I would never do that. Honesty and integrity are the foundation of the Trump brand.”

On another tape, Trump calls his military generals “a bunch of pussies.”

Trump becomes animated as he hears this.

“This is obviously a hit job,” he says, waving his pinkish-orange little hands wildly in the air. “I would never use language like that. I don’t think I’ve ever said the P-word in my life. Trust me; this Woodward is impersonating me. He’s doing a hit job on Trump. Woodward hates Democracy. He’s a bad hombre.”

The president leans back in his chair and considers what he has heard.

“You know, a lot of people are saying Bob Woodward wants to kill all mothers,” he says. “They say he had mommy issues, and he wants to take it out on others. I think that’s not right. I don’t agree with that. I want to protect mothers, especially the ones in their beautiful suburbs…”

And with that, the president launched into a two-hour stump speech of crime in America and his law and order agenda, yada yada yada…

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a dark humor romp across America in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.