Although the majority of Americans don’t trust President Trump and think the country is on the wrong track, the nation’s leader is enjoying tremendous popularity with “his people” at Mar-A-Lago, his exclusive community in Palm Beach, Florida.

“Too many Americans are not resourceful individuals,” C. Howard Smithson IV tells The Lint Screen as he sips a Macallan 30 Year Old Sherry Oak Single Malt Scotch Whisky. “They lack grit and determination,” the noble gentleman says through clenched jaw gripping a diamond-studded cigarette holder in his bright white teeth. “Rather than complaining about difficult times, they should pull themselves up by the bootstraps–– call their financial advisor and request more capital from their trust fund.”

“It’s quite simple,” says his wife Cecilia Lillibuck-Smithson, sipping her 1993 Dom Pérignon Champagne. “If circumstances are tight, people should call their wealth manager and request a little raise in their allowance. Or, an advance on their inheritance. But, no–– apparently they’d rather wear silly masks and panic.”

“I’m afraid many commoners don’t have a lick of common sense,” says Geoffrey Crowell III with his snifter of Remy Martin Louis XIII Cognac. “Or, they’re so miserly they will not liquidate some stock holdings. For God’s sake, man, take some profits off the table.”

“They probably fear capital gains,” Smithson IV says. “I’m sure President Trump will soon help Americans by reducing the outrageous capital gains taxes. They are an awful burden for we job creators.”

“They are lovee,” his wife confirms. “Between our eight estates internationally, we employ well over 70 servants. These poor souls could very well be put out on the street if taxes aren’t cut.”

The Mar-A-Lago set thinks the president is “doing fantastic” with the COVID-19 crisis.

“President Trump is a very calming figure,” says Lucille Perrins, of the Lea & Perrins Worcestershire fortune. “Why, if he says the coronavirus will disappear, then by gumbo, that it shall. The president has never lied to the American people. And all these lazy louts must all go back to work and get their filthy little urchins back in school. This riff-raff class is destroying our robust Trump economy.”

“But they won’t go back to the salt mines,” Howell Marstetter, Jr. says. “Why should they–– when the Democrats will give them a $600-a-week reward to sit on their derrieres. All because the masses a little disease and death.”

“It’s part of the nanny state,” chimes in Rita Fester-Newington, lifting her face from the mirror where she has just hoovered a line of Peruvian Dancing Dust. “Why show any gumption when the world revolves around your every need? The working classes simply must get back to work! President Trump should demand it. Send in the National Guard and force them back into the factories. And why are their children going to school when they could be working in the mills? The president must force them back to work. If there is bloodshed, so be it.”

“We should also dispense with this election nonsense,” says Cecilia Lillibuck-Smithson. “We simply must keep Donald Trump, our leader. He has made America great again and is bringing people together.”

“Here, here,” agrees her husband, C. Howard Smithson IV. “Let us begin a monarchy for the Trump family. King Donald has a nice ring to it.“

“Capital suggestion, old chap,” agrees Howell Marstetter, Jr. “And Trump’s first order of business should be sending that evil little Anthony Fauci to the gallows for starting this COVID-19 hullaballoo.

“I say we should have never allowed Italians into the country in the first place,” says Rita Fester-Newington dusting her nose. “It has been downhill ever since the Mayflower landed. First Americans first, say I!”

To that, the Mar A Lago crowd raise Waterford crystal glasses in a toast.

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Enjoy a wild ride across America as a young man wrestles with his libido, faith, and conscience working as a circus advance man. Get PD Scullin’s entertaining debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus.” Escape reality, laugh, and run away and join the circus. You’re one click away from a helluva adventure. Buckle up and go.

Louis DeJoy had no experience with the United States Postal Service before President Trump named him Postmaster General in May, but you’d never know it by his decisive leadership.

“I like to shake things up,” the Republican Party fundraiser and ex-businessman said. “That means taking a fresh look at a problem. And as I analyzed what’s wrong with our postal system, a thunderbolt of genius hit me–– The Pony Express!”

The GOP shill smiles. “Sometimes, the old ways are the best ways. Our Pony Express system was very dependable–– except for when the Injuns were on the warpath and attacked them. Since we’ve put all the tribes on reservations with casinos, that’s no longer an issue. So, I don’t see any problem with returning to a Pony Express.”

DeJoy thinks a horse-run mail distribution system will smooth many of the problems faced by today’s postal service.

“One of the reasons delivering our mail takes so gosh darn long is traffic jams,” DeJoy says. “But when you’re riding a fine colt, you can find your very own roads, blaze new trails, and get to destinations quicker. You’ll be able to send a letter from New York to Los Angeles in less than a month by Pony Express. Plus, we’ll get all those polluting mail trucks off the road–– that should please those AOC Green New Deal commie socialists.”

Asked if he thought if a return to the Pony Express will improve the efficiency and success of mail-in voting, Dejoy turns red and explodes.

“Hell, no,” he screams. “It’s like President Trump says, mail-in voting will never work in America. It just can’t be done. It’s impossible. It takes too long. We may as well try putting men on the moon. I told the president we’d have mail-in voting over my dead body. That will never happen.”

DeJoy hyperventilates. An associate brings him a paper sack, and the Postmaster General delivers his bald noggin into it. He huffs and puffs and calms himself down.

“Take it from me,” DeJoy says. “The Pony Express is a great solution. I mean, who doesn’t like horses?”

The Postmaster General leaves The Lint Screen offices whistling I’m Back In The Saddle Again.

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Enjoy a wild ride across America as a young man wrestles with his libido, faith, and conscience working as a circus advance man. Get PD Scullin’s entertaining debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus.” Escape reality, laugh, and run away and join the circus. You’re one click away from a helluva adventure. Buckle up and go.

Mayberry is known as the idyllic American town. So, how is President Trump’s re-election campaign playing there? Here’s The Lint Screen exclusive report.

The boys are gathered outside Floyd’s Barber Shop, the epicenter of political talk in Mayberry.

ANDY: Now, fellas, I do believe this Donald Trump just might be maybe a little bit racist. Now, I may be out of line here, but––

FLOYD: Ooh, ooh, a racist! You don’t say, Andy. That’s big news. Big news.

ANDY: Now, I’m not casting stones here, I’m just saying––

GOOBER: No, I think you’re right as rain, Andy. I may be a dimwitted hayseed, but that Trump fella’s definitely as racist as the day is long.

FLOYD: Ooh, ooh–– Trump doesn’t like blacks.

GOOBER: Nope. Or Mexicans, or Asians, or anyone who’s not a doggone white supremacist, either.

Deputy Barney Fife walks down the street and joins the group.

BARNEY: What are you boys flapping your gums about here?

ANDY: That Donald Trump fella.

BARNEY: Trump? Why the heck would you be wasting breath on him?

FLOYD: Ooh, ooh, Barney–– listen to this–– Andy thinks the president might be a little bit racist.

BARNEY: Well of course he’s racist! Trump wants to keep minorities out of the suburbs. He doesn’t even bother with dog whistles, these days, Trump does dog shouts.

FLOYD: Ooh, ooh––’dog shouts’–– that’s a good one, Barney. ‘Dog shouts.’

GOOBER: Hey, you’re funny as anything, Barney.

ANDY: Now, Barney, you go and calm yourself down. You know what the doctor said about you getting so excited, what with your heart condition and everything.

BARNEY: Just don’t you worry, Ange, I’m fine. Healthy as a horse. But I’m telling you, ever since Trump did his Muslim ban, I’ve been madder than a one-legged rooster.

ANDY: ‘One-legged rooster’–– what’s that supposed to mean, Barney?

BARNEY: Just don’t you worry about it, Andy. You know what I’m saying. I’m telling you, as a practicing Muslim, I can’t accept Trump’s blatant racism toward my people.

FLOYD: Ooh, ooh–– are you a Muslim, Barney?

BARNEY: Yes, Floyd, Yes I am a Muslim. You got a problem with that?

FLOYD: Ooh, no, Barney. No.

BARNEY: Good. I’m sure Donald Trump wouldn’t approve of religion or my wife Jameelah, either. She’s brown as a berry.

GOOBER: Hey, Barn, I didn’t know you got married.

BARNEY: Yes, Goober, yes I got married. Thelma Lou bored me to tears, so I married a good Muslim woman and we’re going to have a bunch of good Muslim kids–– if that’s all right with you.

GOOBER: Sure, Barney. Sure.

FLOYD: Ooh, ooh, a genuine Muslim family–– right here in Mayberry!

BARNEY: For crying out loud, Floyd, this is 2020–– not 1960–– we need to start accepting and loving each other.

ANDY: Well now, that’s a right nice idea, Barney.

BARNEY: You know, maybe Trump should look at a calendar sometime. He’s completely out of touch–– he thinks this is a ‘Leave It To Beaver’ world.

FLOYD: Ooh, that Eddie Haskell–– he’s a bad seed. Bad seed.

BARNEY: Look, I can’t jaw with you people all day long, I’ve got to get on my prayer rug. It’s almost time for Zuhar.

GOOBER: What’s a prayer rug, Barney? Can your prayer rug fly?

BARNEY’S EYES POP IN DISBELIEF. HE GETS ENRAGED, PIVOTS, AND WALKS QUICKLY DOWN THE SIDEWALK MUMBLING TO HIMSELF. HIS FRIENDS WATCH AND SMILE.

ANDY: Well, I declare, if that Barney don’t be everything…

FLOYD: Ooh, ooh–– Barney’s Muslim.

FADE TO BLACK

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Enjoy a wild ride across America as a young man wrestles with his libido, faith, and conscience working as a circus advance man. Get PD Scullin’s entertaining debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus.” Escape reality, laugh, and run away and join the circus. You’re one click away from a helluva adventure. Buckle up and go.

Donald J. Trump gave up a lot to serve his country as its president. He could have made billions with his savvy real estate genius, or, starred in his proposed hit comedy series for NBC… Oops! I Married My Daughter (And I Absolutely Love It)!!!

But his biggest missed opportunity may have been to pitch major league baseball.

“Randy Levine with the New York Yankees is a great friend of mine,” the president boasted to The Lint Screen. “He runs the team and has been pestering me for years to join his club as a starting pitcher. He’s seen my 146-mile-per-hour fastball. Of course, no one’s actually seen it–– the pitch is a bolt of lightning that pushes the catcher back about ten-feet when it’s delivered. Incredible fastball. A lot of people think it’s the best pitch ever.”

Trump says he is definitely the most athletic president in history.

“They say Truman was a good surfer, Ford played a little football, and JFK was a creampuff who played tag football,” Trump chuckles. “But no president had offers to play major league baseball. Especially Obama. How could he play the national sport when he wasn’t even born here?”

The president waits four-minutes for a reply that never comes, then continues.

“All most presidents get to do is throw out the first pitch. What a joke. Teams want me to pitch seven or eight strong innings. I can go nine, ten, or fourteen, whatever it takes. I have the heat. Tremendous heat. More heat than Fauci, I’ll tell you that. With lots of movement on the ball, too. All I’ve ever pitched was no-hitters. I have the best pitch ever in baseball–– everyone knows it.”

The president gives a heavy sigh.

“Unfortunately, I won’t be able to pitch for the Yankees,” Trump says. “I have a country to run. I’ve got to help people battle the China virus and the Portland anarchists. It’s too bad. Because I look pretty sexy in Yankees pinstripes. Everyone says so.”

He pauses. “I could have also been a pro golfer, or an astronaut, too,” the president mops his damp brow. “Or, a cowboy!”

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Enjoy a wild ride across America as a young man wrestles with his libido, faith, and conscience working as a circus advance man. Get PD Scullin’s entertaining debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus.” Escape reality, laugh, and run away and join the circus. You’re one click away from a helluva adventure. Buckle up and go.

These are troubling times in the United States. Although there is a global pandemic raging across the nation, that’s not the biggest threat to America, according to Attorney General Bill Barr.

“We face an existential crisis in civil disobedience,” Barr told The Lint Screen. “People need to relax about this COVID-19 thing. It may be a hoax or an evil plot conjured by Tony Fauci, Hunter Biden, George Soros, and Bill Gates. Who knows? I’m more worried about our fellow citizens than some cockamamie virus.”

Barr has been on the frontlines helping President Trump battle the radical anarchist lefties in Portland, Oregon.

“Much like the insurgents who caused the brouhaha in LaFayette Park on June first, these hippie types are trying to destroy democracy,” Barr says, spitting on the ground. “Citizens have a sacred duty as Americans to worship President Trump. We have never had such a great leader, and for anybody to be disrespectful is outrageous, un-American, and treasonous. I believe it says in The Constitution the president must be worshipped. It’s the law.”

The nation’s dispenser of justice is prepared to use everything at his disposal to wring praise from citizens for their magnificent leader.

“President Trump is The Chosen One. God put him here to deliver unto us salvation. He recited five random words in order, many times. That was a miracle–– no one has ever seen such mental dexterity. The president simply wants the respect and adulation he deserves,” Barr said. “He has cleaned up the swamp, solved race relations, and stood strong against insurgents like Bob Mueller and his witch hunt, Nancy Pelosi, and Chuck Schumer. The president has also freed great patriots like Sheriff Joe Aparo, Roger Stone, General Michael Flynn, Paul Mannafort, and many others. These are good people and great Americans.”

Barr said disobedient people “can look forward to getting their heads bashed in, tear-gassed, and much worse if they don’t shape up toot-sweet.”

“I know the law,” Barr said. “And I’m laying down the law–– praise the tremendous job President Trump is doing or suffer the consequences. We will not tolerate bad behavior, and we are amassing the troops to unleash a reign of terror the likes of which these no-goodniks have never seen. I get aroused just thinking about it.”

Barr ended his conversation with a teaser.

“And if Ghislaine Maxwell knows how to play ball and keep her pie hole sealed shut, she may be getting a special surprise soon .” Barr gave a fiendish grin. “I can make anything happen.”

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Enjoy a wild ride across America as a young man wrestles with his libido, faith, and conscience working as a circus advance man. Get PD Scullin’s entertaining debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus.” Escape reality, laugh, and run away and join the circus. You’re one click away from a helluva adventure. Buckle up and go.

Now that President Donald Trump has licked the threat of COVID-19 by declaring, “It will get worse before it gets better,” he is turning his sights to an evil danger to America–– AMERICANS!!!

“Radical leftists are bad people–– very bad people,” the portly president told The Lint Screen. “They are the biggest threat we face today. Bigger than the coronavirus. I have dispatched armies of secret police to crush them. ‘Crush them like cockroaches,’ I said. It will make some good video for my campaign ads.”

Trump is fed up with liberals bellyaching.

“All Democrat leftists do is complain,” he said as White House Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany delivered a large Dominos stuffed-crust meat lovers supreme pizza. The president smiled as he lifted a slice. “I’m starved.”

Over the next three minutes, he ate the pizza, then licked the box bottom as V.P. Mike Pence dispensed Diet Coke down his throat from a five-gallon tank with a hose. The leader of the free world burped for forty-seconds and continued his rant.

“The problem is cities run by Democrat mayors,” he whined. “They don’t respect the flag–– the American flag or the Confederate one. They want to tear down statues of great Confederate leaders–– true patriots who fought for the right cause. And these radicals also don’t support me in trying to make America great again. I won’t stand for it. These anarchists are also spray painting bad words on federal buildings. Nasty words on our beautiful federal buildings.”

Jared Kushner and Ivanka Trump arrived with a large bucket of KFC “Double-Skin Chicken,” and the president’s eyes twinkled.

“Lunch,” he said as he began gnawing chicken meat to the bone. Two minutes later, Ivanka removed the bucket of bones, and she and Jared walked to the door.

“Thanks, honey,” the prez shouted. “And wear that red teddy tonight. Daddy likes that one.”

He turned his attention back to our interview. “Now, where was I–– oh, yeah, the war. I will stop this dangerous threat to democracy and the American way of life. It’s like the caravan all over again. I won’t let it happen, and I will use the military and our entire nuclear arsenal to drive the evil liberals off the planet. We can’t have them voting in our elections.”

He burped for one-minute-eighteen-seconds.

“I am a wartime president,” he said as he told the secret service to break this reporter’s legs.

“Check and see if he has any spray paint,” he said, “then throw the bum out.”

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Enjoy a wild ride across America as a young man wrestles with his libido, faith, and conscience working as a circus advance man. Get PD Scullin’s entertaining debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus.” Escape reality, laugh, and run away and join the circus. You’re one click away from a helluva adventure. Buckle up and go.