Betsy DeVos has never taught school. In fact, before becoming Secretary of Education, she had never attended a public school or sent her children to one, but that’s not stopping this Jesus-fueled fireball from deciding what’s best for America’s youth.

“I am fully on board with the president’s directive to get our kids back into school this fall–– coronavirus or not,” DeVos tells The Lint Screen. “And I’m happy to say when they do come, they will find some genuine excitement. We are getting rid of all those hard science classes!”

The Secretary of Education thinks science is not a subject that should be taught in public schools.

“So much of science is conjecture. Egghead hocus pocus,” DeVos says with a dismissive wave of her veiny paw. “I think it’s much more important children learn things that will help them lead better Christian lives–– and those valuable lessons are in The Good Book.”

Starting immediately, all science classes will be removed from the curriculum of public schools and replaced with Bible Studies. Science teachers will be burned at the stake.

“They’re heretics,” Devos says. She makes a sign of the cross, and continues.

“One of the reasons America is in such a state of moral decline is that kids don’t know the Bible,” DeVos states. “Instead, we’ve been filling their heads with silly ideas based on science. It’s the same kind of scientific thinking that wants people to give up their rights and wear a silly mask in a foolhardy attempt to hinder the spread of COVID-19. Are we supposed to exchange our freedom for the sake of science? Why? Hasn’t President Trump already assured us COVID-19 will magically disappear like a miracle?”

She laughs. “Let nerds wear their socialistic scientific masks; my money is on the president and The Good Lord to save this nation!”

DeVos thinks the downfall of America can be traced to science being taught in our public schools.

“The science crowd would have you believe the world is much, much older than 6,000 years,” she says. “Billions of years old, according to science. Balderdash! That’s just patently false. Go and grab your Bible, then do the math of the generations from Genesis. All those begats add up to about 6,000 years. The numbers don’t lie. Now, I don’t know about you, but I’ll put my faith in math over science–– and put my faith in God over all else!”

DeVos is also incensed by the idea of evolution.

“The science set thinks we descended from stinking monkeys, for Pete’s sake,” she chuckles. “I don’t know about you, but I sure didn’t. Heck, I don’t even like bananas.”

Welcome back, students–– and bless your little brains, Betsy DeVos is going to save your souls.

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President Donald J. Trump is a true trailblazer. He has done things no other president could ever dream of doing, and now that includes being a product spokesman.

White House Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany told The Lint Screen President Trump is available to represent American brands in their marketing campaigns.

“The president is the most popular man in America,” the petite blonde said. “So naturally, he is the ideal spokesman for any brand. When he recently had his picture taken with an assortment of Goya products, sales went through the roof. Even people who don’t like beans or Hispanics were buying them. Now, I’m proud to announce the president has agreed to be the official spokesman for the Flobo Ford Car Dealership in Girard, Ohio.”

“My great-grandaddy started our dealership back in 1934,” General Manager Frank Flobo said. “We’ve always prided ourselves on being this area’s #1 Ford dealer. And since President Trump is the #1 greatest American leader ever, I thought he’d be the perfect guy to represent our brand.”

Trump will spend the weekend in the new car lot of Flobo Ford shooting a series of commercials promoting ‘FANTASTIC FLOBO FORD CLEARANCE DAYS.”

“It’s one of our top promotions,” Frank Flobo brags. “It’s the time of year when we’re clearing out our massive inventory and making way for next year’s models. That means unbelievable deals on factory-fresh Ford vehicles. And I’ll bet you dollars to donuts Donald Trump will do a bang-up job as our spokesman. Everyone trusts him; he’s the president for crying out loud. Frankly, he damn well better do a great job for the $375 we’re paying him.”

Stephen Miller has begun working on commercial scripts for the promotion incorporating a strong anti-immigration message, with racist dog whistles, and a call to action for “the year-end savings-palooza on Flobo Fords.”

“The president is available for any and all brands,” Kayleigh McEnany said. “Jared Kushner is the president’s agent and is in talks with Depends, Krazy Glue, Aunt Jemimah, and Preparation H. President Trump believes no American should have to suffer from hemorrhoid discomfort.”

The trusted press secretary gives her trademarked 100-watt smile and beams. “The president is looking forward to branching out and using his incredible star power to help stimulate the American economy. And he will do whatever it takes to make that happen.”

A reporter asked the flaxen-haired pixie about President Trump’s anemic response to the COVID-19 crisis, and McEnany threw a flash-bang grenade and vanished in the ensuing pandemonium as National Guard soldiers fired rubber bullets into the crowd of reporters.

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Mike and Karen “Mother” Pence are all about family and Christian values. So naturally, they know the importance of education in a child’s life.

“I always say education is the key that unlocks the window that opens many doors,” the Veep told The Lint Screen. “That’s why I think it’s so important all Americans follow the president’s incredible leadership and send their kiddos back to school this fall. Cripes, haven’t we all had enough of this pandemic spooking us?”

Mother nods at her husband’s wisdom.

“Mike is right,” she says. “I spent my career in education, and I can tell you all children want to learn. They want to read the Bible, worship the Lord, and learn the importance of repentance, and self-flagellation. If they don’t learn these things, I fear they will go down an evil path to masturbation, sodomy, and homosexuality.”

“We can’t have that,” Mike says. “Absolutely not.”

“No, we can’t,” Mother agrees. “So we cannot allow a silly thing like fears over COVID-19 disrupt the wonderful American education system that Betsy DeVos manages so well. If the children do return and we lose some, well, we all have to make sacrifices, don’t we? Look on the bright side; it just means God wants those precious little ones at His dinner table. Rejoice!”

“And if the parents have grown attached to their lost child,” Mike says, “consider it a blessing in disguise. Abraham wanted to sacrifice his son for God but couldn’t. The important thing is we all need to get President Trump’s economy back up and running. He built the greatest economy ever in the history of mankind. To do that again and make the president happy, we’re asking all parents to send your kids to school and get back to work.”

“And if your kids are called to our Heavenly Father,” Mother says smiling, “remember, you can always make more. Providing you don’t deviate from the missionary position.”

“But frankly, I don’t think we need to worry about that,” Mike says. “Mother and I have been praying, and we think we’re going to get that miracle the president talked about–– this whole coronavirus thing will disappear.“

“Praise the Lord,” Mother says as an aide hands her a poisonous snake.

“Please, Mother,” Mike says after a few moments. “Don’t bogart the viper.”

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s entertaining debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus” ––  a dark humor romp across America in the early ’80s. You are one click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

Ivanka Trump has always been a daddy’s girl. Whether it’s showing her father the latest styles in flimsy lingerie, string bikinis, or rubbing his back and cooing like a sexy kitten, this blonde bombshell has been supportive of her ‘Pops.’ Now she’s unloading both barrels on Dr. Anthony Fauci, the head of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases.

“Fauci is a fraud,” the first daughter told The Lint Screen. “Instead of trying to help the president help Americans, Fauci is sabotaging everything and trying to make my father look incompetent.”

The ravishing vixen details the many betrayals Fauci has perpetrated.

“When Daddy first got into office, Fauci told him to get rid of the pandemic preparedness group,” she said. “Pops wanted to keep the group–– and even wanted to give it more resources, but Fauci said it was a waste of money. ‘Pandemics are very rare, Mr. President,’ he told him. So, my father did what Fauci said and eliminated all the people and plans put in place for pandemics.”

The foxy lady puts on a fresh coat of lip gloss, puckers, and continues.

“Then the coronavirus came and Fauci told Dad there was no need for masks. He said there’s only a couple of cases in the U.S. and it’s not going to be a big deal,” Ivanka shakes her head. “Fauci also told Daddy, ‘Don’t wear a mask, they’re very uncomfortable and look stupid.’”

A White House aide turns on a fan, and the breathtaking beauty allows her luxurious blonde mane to blow seductively as she vogues for a fashion photographer who has entered the room. After a 55-minute photoshoot, the prez’s little girl continues talking trash about Dr. Fauci.

“When the pandemic started spreading like wildfire, Daddy wanted to start a massive national testing program. But Fauci told him to stop being such a worrywart. ‘COVID-19 is a flash in the pan,’ he told the president. I think my father wishes he didn’t follow Fauci’s bad advice.”

Ivanka’s husband Jared Kushner enters the room. She shoots him an icy glare. He scurries away yelping like a Chihuahua on hot coals.

“The most disgusting thing is Fauci’s backstabbing,” the ravishing hottie says as she brushes her coiffure with a gold-plated Mason Pearson hairbrush. “Dad was concerned. He wanted to save American lives, so he went to his laboratory and developed Hydroxychloroquine to kill the coronavirus. It was an amazing drug, one hundred percent effective in treating COVID-19. And Dr. Fauci poo-pooed it. He said it didn’t work. I swear that guy doesn’t want Daddy to get any credit.”

Ivanka goes behind a wardrobe screen as she continues talking.

“Fauci is the real villain here,” she said. “He says Daddy opened up too soon, and he doesn’t want kids to go to school and get educated. I swear that little doctor doesn’t love America and hates seeing Daddy make it great again. And that’s just not right. Fauci is to blame for everything. The president is our real hero, and we should all be thankful for his amazing leadership.”

Ivanka Trump walks from behind the wardrobe screen dressed in a mini-cut Catholic schoolgirl uniform with a push-up bra and tight white blouse. She struts in her four-inch stilettos and announces, “Sorry, but this interview’s over. I have to go model this outfit for Daddy. Fashion shows are a traditional father-daughter activity for us. He loves it when I sit in his lap at the end of my show.”

She exits, leaving a fog of Clive Christian No. 1 Imperial Majesty Perfume in her wake.

———————————————————————————————-

Enjoy PD Scullin’s entertaining debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus” ––  a dark humor romp across America in the early ’80s. You are one click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

Although Betsy DeVos attended Calvin University, the Secretary of Education doesn’t cotton much to book learnin’.

“It’s all a bunch of hibbly-jibbly,” the woman in charge of educating America’s children told The Lint Screen. “There are things you learn in the medical laboratory that may or may not be true. Who knows? Science can only do so much. We should question everything.”

Sec. DeVos questions the recommendations the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention made yesterday for re-opening American schools. The CDC also came under attack from President Trump after the medical commander-in-chief saw the recommendations. Trump said they were too strict, and threw a raging temper tantrum. The president sent the brainiacs back to the drawing board.

“They screwed up,” DeVos said. “Those science nerds spent countless hours and hundreds of millions of dollars doing research. And they let science make their recommendations in the interest of health. But science isn’t exactly the real world, is it? Sometimes a stable genius knows better what’s good for our kids–– and we should listen to him and obey. After all, President Trump is very successful in the real estate business and had an incredibly popular TV show. He has a very big brain.“

The Secretary of Education lambasted the CDC.

“That place is full of egghead experts who let science rule their lives,” DeVos said. “It’s silly. Frankly, it’s like Mike Pence says–– science isn’t even in the Bible. We can’t put our faith in science. That would be silly. We must put our faith in God.“

DeVos said the president gave Dr. Robert Redfield, the acting, director of the CDC some excellent guidance for revising recommendations for school re-openings.

“Six feet distancing is extreme,” DeVos said. “The president thinks six inches is plenty of room, and so do I. He also thinks kids shouldn’t wear masks. Masks are an assault on their rights and make them look weak and vulnerable. Our kids are better than that. The president thinks children should wear MAGA hats instead. He suspects those red hats will protect the young ones from COVID-19. And I agree completely,” DeVos said as she placed a MAGA hat on her noodle.

She continued, “The last recommendation the president gave was allowing kids to bring guns to school. Guns will protect their Second Amendment rights and let children guard against an assault of liberal socialism. Also, if they see coronavirus they can shoot it. President Trump certainly makes a strong case for the safety of America’s youth. It’s all he cares about.”

DeVos leans in and confides, “Personally, I think children should also bring their Bibles. Just in case Satan appears.”

She straightens up in her seat. “I’m disgusted and outraged the CDC made the president upset. It’s just not right.” She shakes his head. “‘They had better do better work in the future and get on Team Trump. Without the president’s great leadership, our country would be in a world of trouble with this pandemic. Thank God President Trump is protecting our nation.“

———————————————————————————————-

Enjoy PD Scullin’s entertaining debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus” ––  a dark humor romp across America in the early ’80s. You are one click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

White House trade adviser Peter Navarro is one of President Trump’s most reliable cheerleaders, and yesterday he picked up his pom-poms again in support of our fearless leader.

“The fake news has it all wrong,” Navarro told The Lint Screen. “People shouldn’t avoid contracting the coronavirus, COVID-19 is good for you. It’s like the spider that bit Peter Parker and turned him into Spiderman, COVID-19 could give you superpowers.”

While Navarro had no medical evidence to support his claim, he continued his argument.

“We still don’t know the full impact of COVID-19,” Navarro said. “We could find out that it does amazing things to make people stronger. I wouldn’t be surprised if we don’t see frail grandmas lifting cars to change their flat tires. We just don’t know. The jury’s out. Let’s keep open minds.”

Even if this coronavirus is harmful, Navarro is not concerned.

“President Trump has done an amazing job protecting America,” he claimed. “He immediately had Ivanka go to her laboratory and invent hydroxychloroquine, a drug that is proven incredibly effective in treating COVID-19. Everyone should be taking it, like a daily vitamin. And even if you do get the virus, it’s no big deal. Like the president says, 99% of the time, it’s completely harmless. Toughen up America!”

Navarro’s eyes dart about as one imagines a thought ricocheting in his noggin, and he speaks.

“The president asked Mike Pence to head up medical science in fighting coronavirus. No one believes in science more than the vice president. In the 6,000-year history of our world, the Good Lord has never blessed one man with more knowledge of science. Mike is the perfect man for the job.“

The financial guru thinks Americans need to get back to normalcy.

“People must get back to work immediately, and kids get back to school,” Navarro prescribes. “That’s the best thing we can do. You don’t need masks or social distancing. You need to work your job and get our robust economy roaring back. The president has an election in November, and every American must do their job in making sure he can continue making America great again. If we lose a few lives along the way, it will be well worth it for the rest of us. The health of our economy is at stake.”

Navarro straightens his tie.

“Trump 2020. Best president ever.” He runs to the White House and scurries inside.

———————————————————————————————-

Enjoy PD Scullin’s entertaining debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus” ––  a dark humor romp across America in the early ’80s. You are one click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.