President Donald Trump is enacting the Defense Production Act to manufacture American flags for his re-election campaign.

“This is an absolute emergency,” said Kellyanne Conway, counselor to the president. “There is a terrible shortage of American flags, I suspect Joe Biden is burning them, or the Democrat-run cities are ripping them into strips and using them for making Molotov Cocktails. President Trump needs more flags. He loves appearing with as many American flags as possible.”

Conway scoffs at the notion Trump did not use the Defense Production Act to its fullest in the fight against COVID-19 earlier this year.

“That was a public health crisis. Big deal. It’s a hoax. And if it is real, we all know the pandemic is going to disappear magically.” Conway made jazz hands and mouthed, poof.

“But now we have an urgent need for millions more Old Glories. They will help symbolize how much our president loves this country. It’s like when he appeared at Mount Rushmore and the Lincoln Monument. These powerful patriotic images diffuse the notion he is a weak, feckless puppet of Vladimir Putin who wouldn’t even stand up to the Russian despot for putting bounties on American troops. So what? He’s not in the army. He has bone spurs. Besides, he and Putin are big buddies. World leader pals. They talk every morning.”

The president’s counselor is soon leaving her role to spend more time with her family.

“My daughter really digs me. She wants to hang with me and do chick stuff. That’s cool. I told the president I’m always a phone call away if he ever needs me. And he said he might. He may use the Defense Production Act to produce millions of new Bibles, and he’ll want me to help spin it. Those Good Books make nice campaign props. Remember LaFayette Square? Him holding a Bible shows America that President Trump loves Jeeves Christ and all that other Christian crap.”

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a dark humor romp across America in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

Fox’s superstar dream hunk Tucker Carlson is a man’s man. His heart pumps a hi-octane mixture of testosterone, American sour mash whiskey, and nitroglycerine. And right now, this hombre is hopping mad and at a boiling point.

“All these protesters in Democrat cities need to sit down and shut up,” Tucker told The Lint Screen. “They are radicals fighting President Trump’s victory of making America great again. And if the thin blue line can’t protect us from these no-goodnik thugs, we have to use our second amendment rights and gun them down in the streets like dirty dogs. That kid in Kenosha had the right idea.”

Tucker calls this “frontier justice–– it’s what they had before the looney libs put in a bunch of restrictive nanny state laws.”

Carlson leans across the desk. “And the same goes for these NBA crybabies. I don’t want to hear about your precious feelings and political views. Shut up and dribble, dunk, show me some razzamatazz. You’re making tons of money, earn it. Leave your opinions about justice to yourself.”

The irate commentator blames the dire situation on the liberal media.

“Our forefathers would be shocked at how freedom of the press is abused today,” The Tuckman says with knitted brow and hunkered-down brows. He continues.

“I watch Fox News all day and night, so does the president, but if I change the channel, it’s like there’s an alternate reality. And let me tell you, that world is a hellscape–– one with a deadly pandemic raging, a completely wrecked economy, small businesses going under, and tens of millions of innocent citizens unemployed. Where are their stories on Islamic terrorists teaching our children to destroy democracy and worship Allah? What about blacks rioting for more welfare and free cars? Why aren’t there breathless stories about dangerous caravans, and Mexicans raping our women and getting our kids hooked on their wacky tobacky? And there’s nothing about liberals burning bibles while they urinate on statues of the Virgin Mary and Baby Jesus in the manger. Why aren’t these media outlets reporting the real news like Fox? It’s a disgrace.”

Carlson is red-faced, hot under the collar, pretty upset.

“What we’re seeing, the massive destruction, death, and rioting, looting, utter chaos and anarchy in Democrat cities is just a preview of Biden’s America. If he’s elected, you’ll have Elizabeth Warren slapping your kids in the face because they don’t have a plan, and Bernie Sanders sleeping with your wife–– because he’s a socialist and what’s yours is his!”

Carlson begins hyperventilating. An assistant brings him a paper sack, and he huffs his way back to calm. He speaks in a soft voice while rubbing his crotch.

“But in Trump’s America, there is no pandemic. Unemployment is zero. The economy is the best in history. And everyone is happy and sleeps soundly knowing we have a law and order president who will keep the wrong people in their place. And all the so-called essential workers are delighted to have three or four good minimum wage jobs.”

Tucker Carlson closes his eyes. “It’s a beautiful world.”

He says the interview is over because he “needs some alone time.”

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a dark humor romp across America in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

Donald Trump, Jr. spoke last night at the opening of the Republican National Convention, and he may have sealed his destiny as the successor to his father in the White House.

Looking very presidential in a big boy suit, shined shoes, and shiny tie, Junior painted a dire landscape of America if Joe Biden and Kamala Harris are elected in 2020.

“It will be the end of democracy,” Donnie boy said. “The Democrats have a pact with Satan to destroy everything good in our country. They will burn our flags, kill your parents, and slit the throats of our beloved pets. But that’s just the start of it.”

The young, handsome chip off the old’ block began pounding the podium for emphasis.

“Liberals will tie you up and make love to your spouse in front of you. Then, they are going to take your guns and drink your liquor. They’ll tear the sheets out of your Bible. They will find your valuable coin collection and spend it at liberal laundromats that don’t sort colors–– because that’s the politically correct way to do the wash.”

The heir apparent then used a megaphone to amplify his voice into the microphone.

“The socialists want dirty minorities to move in next door to you and cause your housing values to drop. There will be rats and roaches everywhere, fires in 55-gallon drums, socialists with flame throwers roaming the streets, and burning patriots to a deadly crisp. The Democrats want to demolish our beautiful, safe, comfortable suburbs. They are going to plant weeds in your lawn and put streaks on spotless your windows!”

The dapper very honest man of integrity began speaking in a hushed tone.

“But here’s the part they won’t tell you. Biden will command his people to dig up the graves of all your loved ones, collect the bones, and build an altar to Satan–– because that is who they worship. Not God. Not Jesus Christ, our Saviour, and Redeemer. No. They are soldiers of pure evil.”

Our future president took a deep breath and continued.

“Listen, I don’t want to be an alarmist, just a truth-teller. Did I mention they want to kill your children, too?”

What a beautiful night it was in honor of re-electing Glorious Leader. We can only hope he will sign an executive order and chuck democracy for a monarchy–– SO A TRUMP RULES FOREVER!

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus”, a dark humor romp across America in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

The president of the United States says the man who wants his job “keeps little kids in cages, which is not nice, and then he eats them.”

Donald J. Trump, finishing the first term of what he calls “the most successful presidency in history,” has some harsh words for his Democratic rival, Joe Biden.

“It’s horrible what Biden does,” Trump told The Lint Screen. “A lot of people are saying he’s part of the huge Democrat pedophile ring, like Hillary’s pizza place. Not only is he a pedophile, he’s a cannibal. Biden does bad things to kids, nasty things, then grinds them up and makes sloppy joes. He eats them for lunch with a bag of Lay’s. It’s a disaster what he does.”

Asked where he got this damaging information, the president bristles.

“Look, I’m not a book nerd fact-checker. I’m telling you what a lot of people are saying. I’ve talked to a lot of the QAnon people–– good people, they like me–– and they told me all the terrible things Sleepy Joe does. QAnon people are patriots. They know I’m the Chosen One and the FBI is part of the deep state out to get me. They don’t want me making America great again.”

Trump crosses his arm.

“But they’re not going to stop me,” he says. “Not Biden, Crooked Hillary, or Obama. I’m going to save America. I have lots of great things planned for my second term. Big things. Very good things. There won’t be a pandemic, taxes, or unemployment. But there will be a great Trump economy. I’m going to fix the infrastructure, that opioid problem, and give Americans better healthcare. Very cheap healthcare, much much better than Obamacare. I’m going to do tremendous things. It will be incredible.”

Asked about his relationship with Steve Bannon, arrested this morning for being a dirty grifter scumbag, Trump cocked his head and looked confused.

“What’s that, Bannon? O’Bannon? Wasn’t that a TV show?”

This reporter reminded the president Steve Bannon was the mastermind of his 2016 campaign, a confidant, and chief strategist in Trump’s administration.

“I don’t know anything about this Brandon guy. I’m too busy trying to stop the postal service, working hard to save America, and saving the world. I can’t know everyone.”

Trump shakes his head and takes a deep breath.

“A lot of these QAnon people are saying Kamala Harris is an alien. Not an illegal alien, but a real alien–– from outer space. We can’t have a vice president from another planet. She’s not an American. Mike Pence is from Indiana. That’s in the United States. A lot of people don’t know that, but it is”

Trump ends the press conference and wanders away from the microphones. He chases a butterfly.

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus”, a dark humor romp across America in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

Donald J. Trump has always had a keen eye for talent. On The Apprentice, he harnessed the incredible powers of Gary Busey, Ivanka Trump, and Dennis Rodman. Now America’s CEO has recruited Mike Lindell, the brilliant inventor of My Pillow.

“I’m tired of dealing with negative eggheads like Fauci,” Trump told The Lint Screen. “These science people are all glass-half-empty people. I like glass-filled-to-the-brim people, like Mike.”

Lindell smiles and winks at his good friend, the leader of the free world.

“It will be my pleasure to rid your country of COVID-19,” said Mr. My Pillow. “Although I agree with the president, it will someday magically disappear, just in case COVID-19 isn’t a hoax, I have invested money in a wonder drug called Oleandrin. It’s a botanical extract.”

“Botanical is a very big word. A scientific word,” the Trump said.

“Right, Mr. President. It means plant-based.” Trump nods knowingly.

“There are many, many plants,” said the commander-in-chief. “Most vegetables are plants. A lot of people don’t know that, but they are.”

“Oleandrin is made from a magic plant,” Lindell said. “One that instantly cures COVID-19.”

“It will be incredible,” Trump said. “I have signed an executive order to buy enough of this wonder drug for every American. I’m investing one trillion dollars and making the evil China virus go away.”

“Yes, sir, Mr. President,” Lindell says, smiling. “You are truly making America great again. You are undoubtedly the greatest leader the world has ever known, and we are lucky to have you.”

“I am also signing another executive order,” Trump said. “It’s for two-point-six trillion dollars to purchase every American a My Pillow with its new scent–– what’s that fragrance called again, Mike?”

“Chloroform, Mister President,” Lindell flashes a smile. “Chloroform helps people get a better night’s sleep.”

“We all could use that. All the Democrats do is lie and make people worry.” Donald Trump smiles. “Everything is going to be tremendous. I am doing an incredible job. Everyone says so.“

“Yes, yes you are, sir,” Lindell says as he fluffs a My Pillow. The president’s eyelids get heavy as Ivanka enters and kisses her father on the cheek.

Jared cowers in a corner.

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus”, a dark humor romp across America in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

When it comes to protecting American democracy, President Trump delivers!

Today, the prez told The Lint Screen he is “worried sick about a horrible threat to democracy.”

Trump believes there is an army of “very evil people” dressed in blue attacking our country daily.

“They call themselves postal employees,” Trump says, crossing his arms. “I call them treasonous traitors.”

The president’s beef comes from Democrats wanting to fund the U.S. postal system to handle ballots for the upcoming presidential election.

“This is a complete disaster,” Trump says as sweat beads on his forehead. “If we allow that to happen, it will rig the election, and we have the danger of Sleepy Joe and Crazy Kamala sneaking into the White House. The next thing you know, they’d abolish all police and put minorities in the suburbs destroying housing prices. Corey Booker, who is a very angry black man, will make sure the suburbs become crime infested sewers. I’m working to protect suburban housewives. I love women. Ask Ivanka. Don’t ask Melania, ask Ivanka.”

The president pulls a monogrammed silk handkerchief from his suit pocket and begins mopping his slick brow.

“If we don’t shut down these postal service traitors, I could lose the election,” the fat sweaty man says. “And no one wants that to happen.” Trump wipes his wet brow again.

“These postal people also deliver bills,” Trump says as he wrings his handkerchief into a bucket with the presidential seal. “That’s very nasty. Bills are very bad. I never pay bills.”

Chief of Staff Mark Meadows enters with a large feather fan and begins waving it by the prez, creating a cool breeze. Jared Kushner and Stephen Miller enter the Oval Office and flank the commander-in-chief. They peel grapes and pop them into Trump’s pie hole.

“You’ve done an excellent job with COVID-19,” Meadows tells the president.

“You’re the best president ever,” says Jared. “Much better than Lincoln.”

Trump smiles, as content as a cat by the stove on a cold winter evening.

All is normal in Washington, D.C. Sleep tight, America, democracy is safe with President Trump at the helm.

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