Perhaps the greatest trait of President Donald J. Trump is his decisive leadership. And today, and he showed that skill again.

The president secured the services of world-renowned magician David Copperfield to address the raging COVID-19 global pandemic.

“I’ve been saying for months that this coronavirus will disappear,” the nation’s leader told The Lint Screen. “Now, I’m going to prove it.”

Trump has always been impressed with David Copperfield.

“When I had my casino in Atlantic City, I hired David,” the president said. “He was incredible. He once pulled a silver dollar out of my ear–– I had no idea it was in there! Then he made the silver dollar disappear. He even made my nose disappear. Who knows how he did that. Amazing. Copperfield is the best; everyone says so. But even with his tremendous talent, my casino went bankrupt. It’s almost impossible to build a business on gambling. The house always loses. That’s why almost no casino ever succeeds.”

The fake news media has been lambasting the president on his handling of the coronavirus.

“No one knew this pandemic was coming,” Trump said. “I’ve done a tremendous job with the coronavirus. Without me shutting down flights from China, experts estimate 300 million Americans would be dead. But I don’t get credit for that––credit for saving 300 million American lives. The fake news is very unfair.”

While the number of coronavirus cases is skyrocketing nationwide, Trump has remained confident it would eventually disappear.

“I’ve always been a glass-half-full kind of guy,” he said. “I’ve been saying remain calm. Don’t panic. It’s all going to work out very well for our country. But since Mike Pence and his team have failed so miserably controlling the coronavirus, I’m going to have to nip this thing in the bud.”

Trump said he called David Copperfield and asked him if he could make coronavirus disappear. “Sure, he said,” Trump relays. “I told Steve Mnuchin to write Copperfield a check for whatever he wants. We’ve got to get our economy going again.”

Trump leans forward. “You know, I built the strongest economy the world has ever seen,” Trump bragged. “Everyone says so. People at Mar-a-Lago tell me they’ve never been richer. I’ve done an incredible job. Incredible wealth. They all love me. Everyone loves me.”

Mnuchin would not disclose how much taxpayer money will be spent on David Copperfield’s services, but he said it will be a tremendous deal.

“The president is an incredible negotiator,” the Secretary of The Treasury said. “Just ask Kim Jong-un or Vladimir Putin. Our president plays those guys like a fiddle.”

Trump has given Copperfield “total authority to do whatever it takes to make coronavirus disappear.”

The country’s CEO props his feet on the desk in the Oval Office.

“I want to keep Americans safe, especially Fox News viewers, white supremacists, and the QAnon crowd,” the leader of the free world said. “These are my people. They’re smart enough to know any story that is not about my greatness is a hoax.”

Trump leans forward. “We have an election this November, and I want to make sure the Democrats don’t try to cheat and rig it. I’m going to win in a landslide. Suck it, Sleepy Joe, Nancy, and Chuck–– Trump will make America great again. Everyone is excited about me having four more years.”

———————————————————————————————-

Enjoy PD Scullin’s entertaining debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus” ––  a dark humor romp across America in the early ’80s. You are one click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

Secretary of State Mike Pompeo is known as one of the staunchest supporters of President Donald Trump, and he has come to the defense of the imbecile-in-chief.

“If the intelligence departments had information about Russia putting bounties on our troops,” Pompeo told The Lint Screen, “they failed to inform the president. And that’s on them, not him.”

Pompeo thinks there is an art to dispensing information for absorption into the president’s pea-sized-brain.

“You can’t expect him to read a boring report,” the pudgy sycophant said. “The president is too busy to read. You need large colorful pictures, video, animation, nudity, action sequences, juggling clowns, buildings blowing up–– you know, some razzamatazz. And it’s best if you plaster his name throughout your presentation. The ‘TRUMP’ name keeps his attention. The bigger, the better. If you can work in some pictures of Ivanka, you’ll have his attention like a dog on a bone. He’s crazy for that little pixie.“

The secretary of state blames U.S. intelligence agencies for a communications failure.

“These deep state people are always looking for ways to make the president look weak,” Pompeo said. “So what if he rolls over for Putin, Kim, and Erdoğan? President Trump is a masterful negotiator. He lets them play into his trap by allowing them to do whatever they want. The president thinks it’s better to have those guys as friends than enemies. We have plenty of those in NATO. ‘Allies’ is just another way of saying ‘enemies.’”

Pompeo is confident Trump will have a landslide victory in his re-election bid.

“He has Russia, China, North Korea–– all the important countries, rooting for his victory,” Pompeo beamed. “And with the terrific job he’s done on the pandemic, race relations, the booming economy, and vibrant employment, the president will dominate the 2020 election. He truly is the chosen one who made America great again.”

Pompeo leaned toward this reporter. “Let the president know I said all those nice things,” he whispered. “He needs a little cheering up.”

———————————————————————————————-

Enjoy PD Scullin’s entertaining debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus” ––  a dark humor romp across America in the early ’80s. You are one click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

Michael Flynn,  President Donald Trump’s former national security adviser, is a happy man. Yesterday, a U.S. appeals court directed a federal judge to drop a criminal case against him for lying to the FBI.

“They got bupkis,” Flynn told The Lint Screen. “Those dirty coppers tried to send me up the river, stick me in the hoosegow, and do a stretch in sing-sing. But those flatfoots couldn’t make it stick, see? And guess what? They ain’t never gonna get the bracelets on this fella’s flippers. No siree, Bob!”

Billy ‘Bootlick’ Barr, the Attorney General of the United States, assisted in getting Flynn sprung from the joint.

Flynn spits on the ground, rubs the puddle with his Florsheim, and continues.

“Those dirty G-Men will never get me,” he says. “And if they think they can take me alive, they got another thing coming. This is the bossman’s racquet now, and they better toe the line. Or else justice will be served, let me tell you.”

Flynn spins his revolver on his finger, looks up, and smiles. He returns his piece into his shoulder holster and yanks a flask from his hip pocket. He tips the pocket bottle and lets gravity serve his gullet. Screwing the cap back on the flask, he returns it to his pocket.

“I gotta scram and get on the blower to the Cossaks. We got some unfinished business with the Ruskies to take care of. Прощай, присоска!”

———————————————————————————————-

Enjoy PD Scullin’s entertaining debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus” ––  a dark humor romp across America in the early ’80s. You are one click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

John Bolton will go down in history as one of the bravest patriots ever. The former national security advisor sat down with The Lint Screen and discussed his upcoming book, “DONALD TRUMP IS A HUMAN TURD!” The conversation follows.

TLS: Does your book paint a flattering view of President Trump?

JB: Hell no. I thought my title made that pretty evident.

TLS: So the title’s not ironic?

JB: No. Donald Trump is perhaps the dumbest, cruelest, and worst human being who ever slithered across Earth.

TLS: Did you respect him?

JB: God, no! Trump thought China was named after ‘the fancy dinner plates.’ He watched Gone With The Wind and was surprised when the Union army won the war. He didn’t know Putin was Russian. And he thought Thomas Edison was a president, for Chrissakes.

TLS: Edison wasn’t president?

JB: No. Neither was Otis the drunk from The Andy Griffith Show.

TLS: Everyone knows that. What surprised you most about Trump?

JB: The fact that a blithering idiot like that got elected to the world’s most powerful office.

TLS: Did Trump do things that disturbed you?

JB: Every day. One day, he tried to sell the Statue of Liberty back to France for $100 million. Macron thought he was joking, but Trump wasn’t. The president wanted to make a big, historic deal, and he thought it would make a good photo op. Our way of saying, ‘Stay away, immigrants.’

TLS: The picture would have been epic.

JB: It would have been a disgrace. Trump also wanted to sell our nuclear codes to China in return for some magic beans that President Xi said could grow money trees. And Trump almost fell for it. Thank God the generals talked some sense into him.

TLS: I’d like to get some of those beans. Money trees sound great.

JB: Xi was lying. There are no magic beans or money trees, you moron.

TLS: Please, sir, let’s be professional. If you didn’t respect the president, why did you work for him so long?

JB: I stayed because I love my country. I was protecting Americans from him. The man is not fit for the office. Look at how he’s botched the pandemic. Obama left him a pandemic plan for Chrissakes, and he threw it in the trash. He said, ‘Science is for losers, and Obama was an alarmist.’

TLS: Then Trump fired you, like a dog. Just like he used to do on his TV show. He was such a powerful, strong businessman on TV.

JB: He fired me because I was trying to talk reason to an ignorant madman. It was the happiest day of my life when I left the White House. I went home with the sixteen million pages of notes I’d taken, and I started writing my tell-all book.

TLS: Why didn’t you testify in the impeachment hearings?

JB: I had a doctor’s appointment or was running errands or something. I don’t remember, but I was busy.

TLS: But now you’re singing like a bird in your upcoming book.

JB: That’s right. And it’s a corker. A real page-turner. Readers will wonder how the hell we survived this long with that dangerous idiot in the Oval Office. The man’s a ticking time bomb.

TLS: Couldn’t you have rearranged your schedule to testify in the impeachment hearings and tell those stories when it could have done some good? Maybe the GOP Senators would have impeached him.

JB: That’s a laugh–– the GOP Senators are the biggest bunch of weak-kneed spineless ass-kissers I’ve ever seen. And do you know anything at all about publishing? You don’t give away stories for free when you can get $32.50 a book. Do you have any idea about the kind of royalties I’ll make? I’m a capitalist, not a patriot.

TLS: Do you think Trump deserves to be re-elected?

JB: I just told you the man is a complete disaster. Are you even listening? This interview’s over, I’ve got to do a remote with Channel 5 in Biloxi.

And with that, the mustached hero marched out of the room leaving this reporter to Google Thomas Edison.

Apparently it’s true–– Edison wasn’t a president.

———————————————————————————————-

Enjoy PD Scullin’s entertaining debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus” ––  a dark humor romp across America in the early ’80s. You are one click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

Although America’s sweetheart Kayleigh McEnany has only been on the job since February, she knows President Donald Trump well.

“I have always been a big fan of his,” she says as she flashes a smile that makes even Crest Extra White Toothpaste envious. “President Trump is just a great, great, fabulous, wonderful man. And if Americans don’t wake up, there’s going to be trouble. They better get in line. Fast.”

She tells The Lint Screen she has the Big Guy’s full trust.

“The president is horribly misunderstood,” she says as she looks in the mirror and applies mascara.

“He’s doing an incredible job and gets upset because people aren’t thanking him for the tremendous work he’s doing. If he hadn’t taken decisive action and shut down flights from China earlier this year, I’ll bet over 100,000 people would have died from COVID-19, and we would probably have a couple of million cases. But thanks to him, we averted disaster. You’re welcome, America!”

Kayleigh takes a pair of solid-gold tweezers from her Prado bag and looks in the mirror as she plucks a few rogue eyebrow hairs.

“I don’t think enough citizens appreciate the fact that the president is giving up billions of dollars a year to serve his people.” She finishes plucking and pulls a compact from her bag and begins applying blush.

“President Trump is doing our country a huge favor, and it’s costing him a fortune. Literally. And as an added bonus, he brought along the brain trust of Ivanka and Jared to help lead the nation out of the carnage we experienced at the demonic hands of Obama.”

She returns her compact in the Prado, taking out a tube of Sisley Hydrating Long Lasting Lipstick. As she carefully applies it, she stops and speaks.

“I’d hate for people to get hurt needlessly,” she says. “But if they don’t shape up pretty quick and start thanking him for the great job he’s doing, the president is going to have to use the military, National Guard, and the police to dominate the streets and start encouraging some appreciation. He won’t suffer ingrates. That’s insulting to a man who is far greater than Abraham Lincoln.”

She puckers and dabs her lush kisser with a tissue.

“It’s like the First Lady said,” Kayleigh says. “‘Be best.’ And Americans had better ‘Be Best’ if they know what’s good for them.”

She spritzes some Chanel Chance Eau de Parfum on her alabaster skin, returns the bottle to her bag, and snaps it shut.

“I’ve got to go see The Chief and get the 100% truth. You can’t trust the fake news media, but I’ll set them straight.”

She exits the room, leaving an intoxicating scent in her wake.

———————————————————————————————-

Enjoy PD Scullin’s entertaining debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus” ––  a dark humor romp across America in the early ’80s. You are one click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.