Atty. General William Barr knows his justice, and he also knows which cheek of the president’s ample ass is buttered.

Today, Barr declared a new law he’s written “offering complete immunity from American laws to friends, family, and associates of Donald J. Trump.”

“The president can’t be bothered by all the stupid laws on the books,” Barr told The Lint Screen as he kissed an 8″ x 10″ glossy of Donald Trump.”Those laws are for commoners. And there are so many damn laws! He is a very busy man, and by the powers of associative mathematics, the same liberation from restrictions now applies to whomever the president wishes. His friends, family, and associates all those people who help him do the tremendous and fantastic job he is doing. They all need their liberty to support the chosen one to do his job.”

To that end, Paul Manafort, Michael Flynn, and Roger Stone are looking at freedom after getting busted for being lowlife turds of humanity.

“The president is even thinking about awarding these patriotic heroes Medal of Freedom Awards,” the pudgy legal beagle said as he slobbered over his Trump pic. “It was a travesty of justice they were convicted in the first place.”

Barr becomes agitated as he recounts the Mueller investigation.

“It was like the president said, the thing was a witch hunt against our glorious leader. I’m going to see to it that everyone involved in it goes to the dungeons.” Barr smiles. “Did I mention we’re building dungeons for enemies of the president? We’ll extract our justice and see how smart these buttinskis are when we torture them, boil their feet in oil, or crack a cat of nine tails over their supple, muscular backs before dousing them with vinegar and lemon juice.”

The rotund little ambulance-chaser smiles. “Any enemy of Donald Trump is an enemy of the state.” He pounds the table. “And that includes you press people. You had better start praising the wonderful job glorious leader is doing on the pandemic, or you’ll be tasting the whip. I want to see you report no cases or deaths from coronavirus in the U.S. thanks to our incredible leader.”

Barr begins licking the picture of the president and rubbing his crotch. He mumbles to himself, “He’s a good man. A great man. My man! And I’m your little cuddle boy toy.”

This reporter backs out of the room and runs like hell.

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s entertaining debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus” ––  a dark humor romp across America in the early ’80s. You are one click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

Sen. Mitch McConnell is known for being one chill dude (“don’t bogart that blunt, bitch” is his common refrain in Senate chambers), but former President Barack Obama has got his dander up.

“That black guy needs to learn to learn how to shut his pie hole,” McConnell told The Lint Screen. “Or somebody’s going to shut it for him. Namely, this bad hombre.”

The leader of the senate is furious because the ex-prez recently slammed his main man, President Donald J. Trump. Obama claimed Trump mishandled the coronavirus pandemic.

“The president has done an amazing job,” McConnell crowed. “The U.S. is number one in the world for testing. Anyone who wants a test can get a test. Even if you don’t want a test, we’re going to give you one, just because we have so many damn tests! And we didn’t get healthcare workers PPE; we got them something much better–– The Blue Angels flying overhead in honor of them!”

McConnell thrusts a victory fist in the air as his old man arm flab flaps in the wind.

“Thanks to President Trump, we have had very few coronavirus cases and deaths–– almost none. He’s made it possible for us to safely open the country up and get the lazy serfs back where they belong–– working! And they better not start bellyaching for more money or healthcare. Shut up, peons, eat your gruel and get back to work! Don’t make me crack the whip.”

McConnell spits on the ground, gets winded and doubles over, then catches his breath.

“Obama had better watch himself,” Merciless Mitch says as he cracks his knuckles. “I’ve been deadlifting heavy sacks of cash from lobbyists for years. I am one ripped mofo. And if Obama keeps serving his loudmouth soup, I swear I’m going open a can of whoop-ass on his black ass.”

McConnell pops a muscle and collapses on the ground.

“I mean it,” he shouts.

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s entertaining debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus” ––  a dark humor romp across America in the early ’80s. You are one click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

If anyone knows how to create drama, it’s President Donald J. Trump. The man who made The Apprentice the most popular TV show in history has decided to shake things up with the cast on The White House Cornanvirus Task Force.

“We’ve had the highest ratings ever,” the president told The Lint Screen. “Incredible ratings. No one’s ever seen ratings like the briefings. That’s because I was the star. People know me, trust me, love me. But I felt like we could do better with the show. Get rid of the boring medical science yawn-squad. Fauci’s got nothing but boring charts and facts about doom and gloom. Who wants to watch that? Not me. So, I got some fresh talent.”

The nation’s ringleader has recruited a mysterious figure known as G. Reaper. “I’m not sure what the ‘G’ stands for–– Gary, Greg, Ted? I don’t know,” Trump said. “But people love mystery, and this guy is spooky–– scary as hell. I feel a chill when he enters the room.”

The president will take over the medical and scientific aspects of the nation’s response to COVID-19. “I know how to find silver linings,” he said. “I’m a cheerleader.” Mike Pence will continue his role complimenting the president on his swift, decisive leadership and painting rosy scenarios about testing success, and G. Reaper will discuss the downer news about casualties.

“I don’t know if he’ll need to say much,” Trump said, “because I think the coronavirus will be going away really soon. It will disappear like a miracle. But, if some people are weak warriors, they’re unpatriotic enough to die, then we’ll let the hooded guy handle the bad news. I’m not getting my hands dirty.”

The big guy said he is also thinking of some other upcoming shows for this fall’s White House schedule to keep viewers watching.

“One idea I have is called President Hottie,” Trump said, smiling. “It stars Ivanka. She’s the first woman president and wears a pinstripe string bikini. Incredible body. And she does a tremendous job presidenting. People love her. I think it’s going to be a smash hit.”

Another idea in the hopper is called MacJared. “It’s kind of like MacGyver, but instead of making stuff to solve problems, people in trouble just call Jared Kushner to fix it. It’s got action, adventure, and rich fat cats feasting on the federal budget. It’ll be big. MacJared.“

Trump beams with satisfaction.

“Stay tuned, America,” he said. “I’ll keep you watching.”

———————————————————————————————-

Enjoy PD Scullin’s entertaining debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus” ––  a dark humor romp across America in the early ’80s. You are one click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

One of the things Americans love about President Donald Trump is his humbleness. Yesterday, after fielding softball questions from Fox News anchors, the prez sat with The Lint Screen and let down his hair.

“A lot of people think Lincoln was the greatest American president,” said the blond one, “but I think they’re wrong. All Lincoln did was free the slaves. Okay, I’ll give him that. But I told freedom-lovers in Michigan, Minnesota, and Virginia to enjoy their liberty and go back to work. And they all grabbed their guns, dressed up like soldiers, and protested. They did what I said. Now, that’s real leadership!”

Trump thinks history has been too kind on Lincoln.

“The press was very easy on Lincoln,” he said. “He never had to deal with the viciousness of the fake news media like me. They are very unfair to me. They never recognize how I built the world’s greatest economy and made America great again. I inherited a country in shambles from Obama. People were dying in the streets. Executive bonuses were an embarrassment, and companies paid money in taxes they could have used for stock buybacks. The army had guns but no bullets–– they were using pieces of potatoes, throwing rocks. Unemployment was something like 80%. I changed all that. I fixed the country. Then the Chinese and Democrats invented coronavirus as a weapon to make me look bad.”

The president shakes his head. “But I proved them wrong. Obama left me no pandemic plan, no vaccine. Nothing. The medical experts were predicting America would have 280-300 million coronavirus deaths, but thanks to my decisive action, leadership, and smart medical advice like injecting disinfectant for cleaner lungs, I think we’ll keep it down to 80,000 to 100,000. That means I’ve saved 300 million American lives. So even if we lose five million people, I’ve still saved 295 million. Lincoln never did anything as impressive as that. And I even wrote checks to Americans, giving them money for things like food, shelter, medicine. Lincoln never did anything like that.”

Trump thinks history has been kind on Lincoln out of liberal guilt.

“If Lincoln didn’t get himself assassinated by Lawrence Welk Booth,” the leader of the free world opined, “I seriously doubt history would even remember him. I don’t know, maybe. He wore that stupid big hat and had a beard. Abe had a distinctive look; I’ll give him that. But as for his performance as president, I think Lincoln is vastly overrated; I’m doing much better at leading the nation in troubled times than he did. But people don’t appreciate the tremendous job I’m doing. Americans should be pledging allegiance to me daily. They really should. I deserve it.”

Trump paused and looked up at the Lincoln Monument statue.

“They better build a statue of me that’s ten times bigger than Lincoln’s. I deserve it,” he said. “I’ll talk to Mitch and Lindsey about getting one for me before the end of summer.”

Ivanka Trump came running up the steps and jumped onto her daddy’s lap as the president beamed.

“Did Lincoln have a daughter this absolutely gorgeous?” he asks.

———————————————————————————————-

Enjoy PD Scullin’s entertaining debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus” ––  a dark humor romp across America in the early ’80s. You are one click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

Jared Kushner is disgusted. He is livid some “unpatriotic Americans” are not supporting his father-in-law.

“The president has done an incredible job,” Ivanka’s husband told The Lint Screen. “He has been laser-focused on the pandemic for years and he has assembled a team of the smartest people in the world to battle it. And we’ve won!”

The boy wonder flashes his dimples and beams with pride, then a shadow of disappointment crosses his angelic face.

“But some people doubt our glorious leader. They don’t believe a miracle is coming and are afraid to go back to work. Return to normal life. Those people are un-American cowardly chickens. And Stephen Miller will be working with Bill Barr to get them deported.”

Kushner, the man who brought peace to the Middle East and solved the country’s opioid crisis, thinks some people don’t understand what’s important in these trying times.

“We need to get the economy buzzing again,” he proclaims, “and we need worker bees to do that. The president built the greatest economy the world has ever seen, and now silly fear is ruining everything. It’s time for people to find some courage and get back to work. If we lose some lives, that’s the cost of doing business. Get over it. Stop being selfish, think of the greater good. We need a healthy economy if the president is going to win re-election. Let’s go, America, keep yourself great!”

The slender pretty boy makes a church steeple with his long, bony fingers and speaks softly.

“Many people say that the president has no empathy. That is 100% false. He has said he’s concerned for the economy and he wants it healthy again. Stupid fearful people are the ones ruining it for everybody.”

An old server in white jacket enters the room and sets a silver tray with Bulga caviar canapés in front of the fresh-faced boy wonder who shoots him a stern expression. The server scatters for the exit as Kushner lifts a caviar canapé and places it in his mouth. He closes his eyes and savors the taste. He swallows, leans forward and speaks.

“Sadly, we have a lot of lazy people in this country. They don’t understand the importance of a hard day’s work. The president does. Some days he’s so busy he doesn’t even eat lunch. Now he needs the lazy scaredy cats to step up. Put their lives ahead of their fears. Think of the greater good–– Trump 2020! Everything’s on the line. Everything!”

He smiles and pops two canapés into his caviar-hole. He savors them.

———————————————————————————————-

Enjoy PD Scullin’s entertaining debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus” ––  a dark humor romp across America in the early ’80s. You are one click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

Vice President Mike Pence plays hardball when it comes to health care. The man who President Donald “I am doing an incredible job, a perfect job” Trump charged with heading up the coronavirus task force made a trip to the Mayo Clinic to see life on the frontlines of the battle.

While the Mayo Clinic has strict regulations demanding everyone to wear a face mask, Pence refused to comply.

“I don’t need a face mask,” Pence told The Lint Screen. “Mother told me it would be a mortal sin to cover my angelic face. And saints alive, how that woman likes to park her behind on my kisser!”

Pence says face stringent Mayo Clinic mask rules are not meant for him.

“I am a man of Jesus Christ,” he says. “Face masks are for mortals. They’re cloth shields for sinners who are destined for hell and eternal damnation. True believers like me don’t need face masks. We put our fates in the hands of our Almighty Lord.”

Pence drops to his knees and prays up a storm for fourteen-minutes as his head revolves three-hundred-and-sixty degrees, and he projectile vomits streams of green slush with an aroma of lavender and tar. Then, the halo-wearing man in a suit rises from the floor and continues his philosophical pondering.

“Because of the president’s decisive leadership, America today is the safest place anywhere. We have more tests here than anywhere else on Earth. Our tests are available everywhere. We have more tests than final exam week at a parochial school,” Pence says, grabbing his belly, and suppressing a boisterous guffaw. He pants and continues.

“The evil COVID-19 virus–– which the president calls the invisible enemy, he is very clever with names, a genius, really–– has barely touched our shores. President Trump is the best human since Jesus Christ Himself. The reason our country is unscathed by the coronavirus is because of the president’s bold decision to shut down flights from China. That saved probably a hundred million lives. We cannot trust a people from a foreign land who eat with wooden sticks to enter our God-fearing-and-loving nation. Jesus taught us to use flatware. And cutlery is our destiny. We raise our forks, spoons, and knives in His honor. To celebrate His glorious resurrection.” Pence convulses and screams, “Hallelujah!” He pauses. “And God forbid those who can’t tell a salad fork from a dessert fork.”

The veep has great faith in the wisdom of his god.

“If someone does die from coronavirus,” he says with a faraway gaze, “that only means God truly loves that person and wants him by His side. It’s a blessing. Destiny. But as for me–– I want to live to a ripe old age and get me some of those sweet, sweet socialist benefits like Medicare and Social Security. Oh, wait a minute–– I’m the gosh darn vice president–– I’m on the gravy train for life. Forever! Praise Jesus!!!”

And with that, Mike Pence raises his hands, looks to heaven, and laughs heartily.

“Please, keep it down, sir,” a nurse admonishes. “This is a hospital.”

“Shut up, you stupid face mask-wearing mortal,” Pence shoots back. “I’m saved! You’re doomed.”

He laughs and sashays out the door to a waiting helicopter.

———————————————————————————————-

Enjoy PD Scullin’s entertaining debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus” ––  a dark humor romp across America in the early ’80s. You are one click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.