Anyone who says Jared Kushner is a cold-hearted prick who would be nowhere without nepotism, a silver spoon in his mouth, and the stick up his ass doesn’t understand this complex man.
The president’s son-in-law sat down in the offices of The Lint Screen and talked about his management of the federal stockpile of medical equipment.
“We are in a pandemic,” the shiny-faced manchild said. “And we can’t allow that to deplete our federal stockpile. All of these governors–– and let me tell you, there are a LOT of them–– keep asking for medical supplies from us. If we were to send our stockpile to them, where would that leave us? It just doesn’t make any sense.”
Kushner takes umbrage at those who do not understand the reason the United States has a federal stockpile.
“We have warehouses, large warehouses, where we keep all these medical supplies. The boxes are stacked symmetrically. It’s beautiful, like that last shot in Raiders of The Lost Ark. Rows and rows of neat stacks. If we started sending out our stockpile of ventilators, masks, protective clothing, helmets, goggles, and other stuff, it would ruin the clean look we have achieved in the warehouses. States need to get their own damn stockpiles and stop trying to mooch off us.”
Ivanka Trump’s husband gives a confident smile and rubs his hands together greedily.
“I think every American should take great pride in the beauty of our federal stockpile. It’s awe-inspiring. One of the best sights in America. The kind of thing you’ll remember on your deathbed.”
The dimwit, who got into Harvard when his daddy made a $2.5 million gift to the Ivy League mecca, puffs his chest like a macho man and continues.
“The sooner these governors solve this national crisis, the better. They need to handle this pandemic, make it go away so we can restart the economy, and get back to re-electing the greatest president we’ve ever had–– Pop-Pop!“
Editor’s note: Kushner Industries owns the warehouses housing the federal stockpile and charges the government rent of three gazillion dollars a year.
Jared Kushner is about to apply his magic to solving a global pandemic.
In times of crisis, it’s reassuring to know you have a stable genius at the helm.
Yesterday, President Donald J. Trump eased the nation’s concern during the global pandemic that is ravaging us from coast to coast. He selected his son-in-law Jared Kushner as the point man for the coronavirus crisis.
“Mike Pence is doing a tremendous job,” Trump said. The veep rose from the floor where he had been licking his master’s shoes and gushed…
The leader of the free world slapped his stooge aside and continued his announcement.
“But Mike could use some help,” the big man continued. “So I am appointing Jared Kushner to head up the federal response to the needs of states. We have fifty states, most people don’t know that.”
Trump threw a smoke bomb, and when the fog dissipated, Kushner magically appeared standing at the podium.
“Thanks, mister president,” the pixie of a man said. “It is an honor to serve you. The job you have done is nothing short of amazing. You brought America the greatest economy and employment boom it has ever seen, until an invisible enemy that no one could have imagined, has appeared and proven to be a bit of a pickle for our economy. But I am sure you will make it all well again and the economy will be roaring again soon.”
Trump nodded approval to his hot daughter’s boy-toy. “Go on, Jared,” he encouraged. “You can do this.”
“Now that I have brought peace to the Middle East and solved the opioid crisis,” Kushner said humbly, “I am looking forward to helping states get the life-saving medical equipment they need. But first, they must understand the stockpile is ours, not yours.” Kushner wagged a disapproving finger and continued.
“I want to start by saying many states don’t need as much equipment as they think they do. I have been running my own projections. Governor Cuomo said New York needs 30-40,000 ventilators. That’s ridiculous. According to my noodling, four ventilators should do the trick.”
Kushner looked at his father-in-law who nodded approval.
“So, let’s all be reasonable, not greedy,” the Ken doll in his pressed suit said. “This is a time of need, and unless you’re the governor of a swing state, we don’t want to hear any bellyaching. We all must work together to support our president in the terrific job he is doing to make America great again.”
“Amen,” Mike Pence said rising from the president’s shoes. “Thank you, mister president, for the wonderful job you are doing and––”
Trump pushed Pence aside and stormed off the stage, he wanted to catch Hannity and give him some talking points before he went on air.
Brian Kemp demonstrates astounding medical knowledge.
Georgia’s Governor Brian Kemp knows how to steal elections, but he doesn’t know much about novel coronavirus COVID-19.
Kemp, who as Secretary of State oversaw his 2018 gubernatorial race against Stacey Abrams, suppressed tens of thousands of votes so he could win the election. Now that he’s in charge, he’s learning a lot about the global pandemic that is a national crisis.
Yesterday, the Republican governor confessed he had just learned asymptomatic individuals could spread coronavirus, even though Dr. Anthony Fauci has been talking about that since January.
Upon learning this “new development,” Kemp issued a statewide shelter-in-place yesterday.
At the governor’s press conference, he also disclosed some other exciting things he’s learned recently.
“There’s a place right here in Atlanta called The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, and I guess they study things like viruses and try and figure out ways to help people medically. This CDC place could be a real game-changer for us.”
Kemp also shared some good news.
“Back in January, Senator Kelly Loeffler, who I appointed, game me some hot stock tips. Those have stocks been appreciating nicely. I appreciate the great job she’s doing in Washington.”
Georgia governor said he is ready to lead his state in this fight against COVID-19.
“I can’t think of anyone better prepared than my team and me,” the governor said. “In fact, we’re going to do such a great job, I’m pretty confident I’ll be re-elected by 26.84%. I just have a lucky feeling about that.”
Sen. Kelly Loeffler sees opportunity in the national crisis.
Senator Kelly Loeffler of Georgia is a true blue capitalist, and because she is, she’s smart enough to take advantage of a prime opportunity to make a buck.
On January 24, she participated in a private, all-senators meeting on the novel coronavirus.
“What I heard was was absolutely frightening,” Sen. Loeffler told The Lint Screen. “I saw that this global COVID-19 pandemic was going to become a major crisis in the U.S., and presented incredible investing opportunities, so I took swift action.”
She immediately got on her iPhone 11 Pro Max and called her loving husband — Jeffrey Sprecher, the chairman of the New York Stock Exchange. She told him, “Honey, the shit is going to hit the fan with this pandemic! We need to help the country. Dump any stocks in our portfolio we might take a hit on, and scarf-up any stock you think will boom with the pandemic. This is a time of crisis, sweetie, we have to act and act fast!!!”
Because Sprecher loves America like his wife, he directed his portfolio minions to dump Exxon Mobil and Resideo Technologies stock and scoop up shares in Citrix, a teleworking software company, and a company that makes protective garments that are being used to fight the spread of COVID-19.
“The stocks we bought have had tremendous appreciation during the pandemic scare,” Sprecher said. “It’s great being married to a woman who gets good intelligence before the general public.”
“My husband and I are proud to support American business,” Loeffler said. “And we are both proud of the terrific job President Trump is doing allowing the free market to survive and thrive in these troubling times. He has all 50 states and FEMA bidding on crucial equipment like ventilators, ensuring the prices will skyrocket. I can’t think of anything more patriotic than that. I don’t know if the president is getting a vig on those machines or not, I suspect he is if he’s smart, but we’ve all got to make some money on this coronavirus opportunity.”
The Georgia Peach then boarded her Gulfstream G500 private jet and departed for parts unknown.
DeSantis doesn’t second guess his decisions about coronavirus.
Many people questioned the wisdom of Florida’s Governor Ron DeSantis’s decision to keep beaches, bars, and restaurants open during spring break during a global pandemic.
Now, as the cases of COVID-19 and deaths begin to skyrocket nationwide, DeSantis still isn’t doing much about it.
“I’m not all that worried,” the governor said. “Apparently this virus is a bigger threat to seniors than us regular people, and, fortunately, Florida doesn’t have many seniors. I think we’ll survive this scare just fine.”
DeSantis is taking his lead from President Trump. “When the big fella issues a stay-at-home order, I’ll get in line,” the guv told The Lint Screen. “I know which side my bread is buttered, and I think the president is doing a phenomenal job of handling this. He really is the best president ever!”
The wily Republican sees how the game is being played when it comes to governors securing necessary supplies like personal protection equipment, ventilators, and refrigerated trucks for corpses.
“Stupid governors are trashing the president for the job he’s doing, so naturally, he’s going to make those states suffer. Me, I’ve done nothing but praise the stable genius–– he’s going to take care of me just fine. He knows I know how to play ball.”
DeSantis crosses his arms and leans forward. “But to tell the truth, I’ve been listening to Rush and watching a lot of Fox News, and I think this whole coronavirus thing is pretty overblown. It’s a conspiracy to make the president look bad. Then again, to quote our greatest president ever, ‘We’ll see what happens.’”
Donald J. Trump has declared himself “a wartime president,” and now he has proven he truly is just that!
In a Rose Garden ceremony today, Michael J. Lindell, CEO of MyPillow Inc., sung the praises of his dear friend and our nation’s leader in the battle against the coronavirus COVID-19 and the battle for our nation’s soul. After the man with the rented mustache spoke, the president announced he was using the Defense Production Act to enlist the My Pillow manufacturer in his war.
“A lot of people are saying they are worried about the ‘invisible enemy,’” Trump told The Lint Screen. “I made up the name ‘invisible enemy’ for the coronavirus. I also made up ‘fake news,’ ‘good morning,’ and ‘New York Times Bestseller,’ he said with pride. Anyway, I don’t want people worrying and losing sleep over this pandemic–– which I knew was going to happen. I said it many times. So I’m enlisting Michael and his excellent company to make My Pillows for anyone who gets the awful disease. The one I always said was going to be a danger.”
Trump pauses as if expecting applause, and when he hears none, he continues.
“I think in the long run, the pillows will be much more helpful than ventilators. Cuomo says he needs lots of ventilators, but I think people are stealing them. They must be. But I’ll get him some eventually. Jared’s still talking to GM and negotiating to get their friends and family discount on ventilators. Or, we might wait for the end of the year clearance sale. Our people are doing an amazing job. We’ll see what happens.”
The president wants anyone who falls victim to the virus to get a good night’s sleep.
“It’s important,” Trump said. “I call sleep the ‘resting time,’ and when your head is on the fantastic My Pillow, you can’t help but get a great night’s sleep. Incredible night’s sleep. Counting many sheep. So many sheep.”
Michael J. Lindell agrees with the president.
“I designed My Pillow to give you the best possible night’s sleep, and I’m proud to help my dear friend as he wins the war against ‘the invisible enemy.’”
“Sometimes I call it ‘the invisible scourge,’” the president said.
“You have a super-duper way with words, mister president, and you’re doing such a great job,” Lindell gushed.
“Thank you, Michael,” said our fearless leader as he looked like he was posing for the sculptors chiseling his mug on Mt. Rushmore.
Donald J. Trump has declared himself “a wartime president,” and now he has proven he truly is just that!
In a Rose Garden ceremony today, Michael J. Lindell, CEO of MyPillow Inc., sung the praises of his dear friend and our nation’s leader in the battle against the coronavirus COVID-19 and the battle for our nation’s soul. After the man with the rented mustache spoke, the president announced he was using the Defense Production Act to enlist the My Pillow manufacturer in his war.
“A lot of people are saying they are worried about the ‘invisible enemy’,” Trump told The Lint Screen. “I made up the name ‘invisible enemy’ for the coronavirus. I also made up ‘fake news,’ ‘good morning,’ and ‘New York Times Bestseller’ he said with pride. Anyway, I don’t want people worrying and losing sleep over this pandemic–– which I knew was going to happen. I said it many times. So I’m enlisting Michael and his excellent company to make My Pillows for anyone who gets the awful disease. The one I always said was going to be a danger.”
Trump pauses as if expecting applause and when none is heard, he continues.
“I think in the long run the pillows will be much more helpful than ventilators. Cuomo says he needs lots of ventilators, but I think people are stealing them. They must be. But I’ll get him some eventually. Jared’s still talking to GM and negotiating to get their friends and family discount on ventilators. Or, we might wait for the end of the year clearance sale. Our people are doing an amazing job. We’ll see what happens.”
The president wants anyone who falls victim to the virus to get a good night’s sleep.
“It’s important,” Trump said. “I call sleep the ‘resting time’ and when your head is on the fantastic My Pillow, you can’t help but get a great night’s sleep. Incredible night’s sleep. Counting many sheep. So many sheep.”
Michael J. Lindell agrees with the president.
“I designed My Pillow to give you the best possible night’s sleep, and I’m proud to help my dear friend as he wins the war against ‘the invisible enemy.’”
“Sometimes I call it ‘the invisible scourge,’” the president said.
“Thank you, Michael,” said our fearless leader as he looked like he was posing for the sculptors chiseling his mug on Mt. Rushmore.
After the press briefing, our investigative reporters discovered Lindell recently donated over $6 million to the Trump 2020 campaign. The cost to American taxpayers of each My Pillow will be $28, 985.00.
