Last week, Jerry Falwell Jr. partially reopened Liberty University, his evangelical boot camp. He commanded his students to return to campus and ignore “the brouhaha of the fake news media and its coronavirus scare.”

“The crooked lamestream media is overblowing this fake pandemic,” Falwell told The Lint Screen, “It’s just another attempt by liberal God-hating heathens to make President Trump look bad. They couldn’t get him with Stormy Daniels, the Mueller investigation, impeachment, or Article 25, so now they have this health crisis fraud. Satan is a cunning adversary, but I will beat him!”

Being a true patriot and loyal Trump supporter, Falwell said he “wouldn’t allow my university to remain shut down for no good reason.” So, he commanded students to return to campus and crack open the Good Book.

One parent complained this act was dangerous for student health. Falwell called the parent “a dummy” in a tweet. Falwell heads Liberty University’s debate team renowned for its aggressive use of the ‘I’m rubber; you’re glue” argument first posited by Socrates.

Since reopening the campus, a dozen students are allegedly sick with symptoms of the COVID-19 virus.

“I don’t know if that many students are sick or not,” Falwell said, “but if they think they’re getting out of this semester by dying, they have another thing coming. I will fail them. Liberty University will not reward show-offs who die trying to make our president look bad. That’s just unAmerican.”

Falwell pauses and looks to the ceiling.

“And besides, students taken by our Lord are obviously martyrs. Grades won’t do them any good in heaven anyway. If they perish, I’ve done them a big favor. Praise be God!“

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus”, a dark humor romp across America in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

President Donald J. Trump has a golden gut.

He felt the global pandemic might be on the horizon. He knew in his gut it was coming.

“I thought it would be bad, very bad,” he told The Lint Screen. “Not just for the economy, but people, too. I care about people, everyone says so.”

He inherited a horrible pandemic preparedness program.

“It was a disaster. The worst ever,” he says shaking his massive noggin from side to side. “No one thought a pandemic could ever happen. Obama didn’t. He was an awful president. The worst. The country was in a depression when I took over, and I built the greatest economy anyone has ever seen. A tremendous economy.”

But the pandemic did come.

“It came from China, so I built a wall in China. A great wall. Magnificent, beautiful wall. But the pandemic still came to the United States. So I stopped allowing Chinese people to come here. Everyone said that was brilliant and saved billions of lives.”

But not even that brave action was enough. The pandemic got worse in the U.S.

“It’s a bad virus, a nasty virus. No one has ever seen anything like this, I call it ‘the invisible enemy’–– the invisible enemy, I made that up myself. The invisible enemy. I also call it the invisible scourge. Invisible scourge. And I didn’t like it, no matter what the name. So I took action against the invisible enemy or scourge, whichever one you like.”

In a bold move, Trump commanded his minions to draft an executive order banning COVID-19, and he signed it immediately.

“I didn’t wait. Waiting hurts the economy. This executive order tells the COVID-19 virus it is not so welcome in our country. Go home, invisible enemy. Get out, invisible scourge!”

And just like that, America was saved. COVID-19 is banned.

“We’ll see what happens,” the president said. “I have a good feeling about this.”

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus”, a dark humor romp across America in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

In the last couple of days, you may have noticed a new president of the United States–– one who is somber and appears concerned about humanity. This change in attitude didn’t happen by accident.

“We conducted some focus groups,” explains Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin, “and we found people didn’t like the idea of an unknown virus creating health hazards and death, so we consulted with President Trump. He doesn’t want his base dying before November, so he said we should do something drastic.”

That something involved a major change in Trump’s behavior.

“Months ago, the president called coronavirus a hoax,” Mnuchin said. “And back then, it was. A hoax the Chinese and Democrats created trying to whip Americans into a snit. He called it a hoax and ignored it. Then, he saw people were dying in China, so the president shut down Chinese people from coming here. It was a decision even liberals liked. But coronavirus still wasn’t that big a deal. It was someone else’s problem on the other side of the world.”

Mnuchin recounts one of the superhuman powers of Donald J. Trump.

“The president has a great gut feel, and he had a hunch this coronavirus was nothing to worry about. It was all going to work out very well for us. But the fake news media just wouldn’t let the story go. They started whipping the thing into a pandemic. That got the president’s attention, and he made Mike Pence the face of fixing it. And to make Americans feel safe, he said we only had 15 cases and that would soon be down to only 5 cases, then 3, and eventually zero. He said anyone who wanted a test could get one, no need to worry. His gut was telling him we’d have a very good result. But then everything changed.”

The ladykiller Treasury Secretary said the virus suddenly posed a larger threat than anyone thought. That’s when the president lept into action.

“President Trump called for a national day of prayer this past Sunday. That’s the nuclear option, calling on the Big Man upstairs. But apparently, not enough Americans got on their knees–– and now we’re facing a serious dilemma. So we re-designed the president to become more presidential. Boring. Serious. He doesn’t use funny nicknames or burns. No trashing other politicians. Now, President Trump is acting like he really cares about Americans and their health–– even more than himself! He’s even embracing the idea of science, but not for the hoax of climate change. In short, the president is acknowledging reality. That’s a major change in direction for this administration. And I think this serious president is going to test like gangbusters in focus groups. We call it Trump 2.0: The Loving, Caring, Empathetic President. “

But some things won’t change.

“The president is still infallible and will never admit a mistake or alternate fact from one he stated. And, of course, he’ll remain a caustic ass on Twitter. These are part of his brand, and that brand is money in the bank with his base. And let’s face it, those are the only people that matter.”

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus”, a dark humor romp across America in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

Thanks to diligent dumpster diving, The Lint Screen has obtained a draft of tonight’s address by President Donald J. Trump.

“Good evening, my loyal American subjects. Tonight I want to talk about the fake news you may have been seeing on CNN and other liberal looney media out to get me and destroy America.

First off, the World Health Organization is saying there is a Coronavirus pandemic worldwide. Maybe there is, maybe there isn’t. You never know. We’ll see what happens.

But even if there is a worldwide pandemic, Americans don’t have to worry about it because this is America, and I have been treating America first, and we should be safe. Very safe. I won’t allow coronavirus or immigrants into our country. 

Let the world take care of itself. I’m protecting America. Keep America great, vote Trump 2020!

Now, some people have been falsely saying there are not enough coronavirus tests—a big lie. Our administration has created more coronavirus tests than any other administration in history. Everyone says so. Anyone who wants a test can get one. Ask Mike Pence. You can get a true or false coronavirus test, or a multiple-choice test. They’re both easy to take.

Even if you do get coronavirus, you will get better very soon. It’s nothing to worry about. Get a box of Kleenex, some Nyquil. You’ll be fine. Soup’s also good. Chicken noodle. Very good soup–– chicken noodle. I like the one with star noodles—stars like the American flag. Great flag. Love it. Kiss it.

The rumors of the coronavirus being highly contagious are also false. Keep shaking hands, flying on planes, going to work, going to school.

My uncle was a doctor at MIT and was very smart. He was a genius, and so is his nephew. I could have been a doctor finding cures to all kinds of diseases, probably even cancer and coronavirus, but I went into business. I built the most successful business empire ever. Then I became president in a landslide victory–– biggest in American history. So believe me when I tell you–– you’re not contagious. 

You’re not contagious!

And those few people who do get coronavirus will have a very good result. They will be better than ever. Run faster, be stronger. Have great luck with lottery scratch tickets. Tremendous results. Incredible. Trust me.

And don’t worry about the stock market. The stock market doesn’t matter too much anyway. The American economy is very good. The best economy ever, thanks to me. The stock market is just a little rocky because Democrats are out to get Donald Trump. They want to destroy America. I won’t let them do it. Nasty Nancy and Schiff are snakes. Rats.

Awful people, Democrats. Sleepy Joe. Crazy Bernie. They try to divide Americans. I want to unite Americans. Spread love.

That’s all I have to say. It’s all good. We’ll have excellent results. Don’t worry about coronavirus. If you are worried, buy some Trump life insurance. It’s ironclad protection for your family. Very good protection.

God bless America.”

 

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a dark humor romp across America in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

 

 

Ever since this whole coronavirus hub-bub, the do-nothing Democrats have wished for massive casualties because they hate America–– but fortunately, Donald J. Trump is our president!

Today Trump called The Lint Screen to talk about the decisive actions his administration is taking to protect his loyal subjects.

“I’ve been reading up a lot on this coronavirus,” the commander-in-chief said. “No one knows more about it than I do. One of the things I found out is that the virus started in China because of Batman. Most people don’t know that. He bit people and gave them coronavirus. Has a very dirty mouth. I told Mike Pence to capture Batman because he is an enemy of the people. Mike said he would pray on it. He dropped to his knees. I smacked him and said, ‘Do it now, God-boy.’ Then he promised he would do it.”

Trump believes Batman is going around the world and infecting millions.

“Batman’s not a superhero. He’d like you to believe that, but it’s a lie,” Trump said. “A total hoax. Fake hero. He’s a very bad guy, needs to be put down. Robin, too. Bad hombres, both of them.”

Since learning about the coronavirus, the president has taken decisive actions to save America.

“My administration has done more than any other administration in history,” he proclaimed. “Obama would have invited Batman to the White House and spread the virus. But we immediately shut down the borders, stopped ordering Chinese food, playing Chinese checkers, and rushed to build the wall. We’ve completed 18,000 miles of the wall, and I designed it with greased sides so Batman can’t scale it.”

The president points to his head. “Using the old noodle. Very stable. Very genius.”

He estimates his actions have saved at least 300 million American lives.

“We have it very much under control,” he declared. “There’s only one, maybe two cases. It could be none. I told the drug companies to make a vaccine fast. Very fast. Don’t want slow. And because of my leadership, we’ll have tremendous results. But, then again, maybe not. We’ll see what happens. If there are more cases, blame Batman and the Democrats.”

 

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus” ––  a dark humor romp across America in the early ’80s. You are one click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

 

 

The other day, our mighty president gave a commanding press conference about the threat America faced in the global coronavirus epidemic. Being a great leader, he delegated responsibility for battling the coronavirus to his vice president Mike Pence, the Robin to his Batman.

Pence called The Lint Screen today and proclaimed victory!

“America is safe, Americans are saved,” the Veep said with his charismatic smile and devil-may-care charm. “I brought in a higher authority to perish this plague.”

Pence says he and his wife, Mother, assembled a prayer group of close friends from their church to address coronavirus.

“When I was governor of Indiana, we abolished HIV,” he said. “We also prayed away their gay. Now Indiana is only heterosexuals. And married couples are only allowed to perform the missionary position when the devil stirs up the sinful ways of their loins.”

The vice president says he has “an excellent relationship with God,” and is also on good terms with his Heavenly Father.

“My trusted relationship with the president enabled me to get a direct line to the Lord Almighty. After all, President Trump is The Chosen One put on Earth to bring us eternal salvation. We are truly blessed to have him lead us through the desert of sin and into the warm embrace of armageddon.”

Pence and the president have decided to shut down the Centers for Disease Control and the National Institutes of Health, diverting their funding to the construction of the wall.

“Those health organizations are wasting money on scientific research. They believe the answers to problems are in a microscope. All these doctors believe in science, which is Satan’s witchcraft–– science is a manmade religion. Only pagans put faith in science. I believe the answers come from above, and the big man in the Oval Office said he would look after his people and protect us.”

Pence bowed his head and gave thanks for Donald J. Trump.

“If not for him, I think we would all be in grave danger. He is a great man, and I am proud to grovel at his feet. He and I both know that God will grant us a miracle and make the evil germs go away.”

With that, Pence reached into a wooden box and took out poisonous snakes. He invited this reporter to handle one, and the scribbler cried like a smacked infant and ran away.