A global pandemic might rattle some leaders, but fortunately, the United States of America has a stable genius as the helm.

At yesterday’s press briefing, President Donald Trump was ridiculed by the lamestream media for his revolutionary idea that injecting disinfectants could eliminate the coronavirus. Today he doubled down.

“The fake news doesn’t get it,” the most powerful man in the world told The Lint Screen. “If a disinfectant kills coronavirus on countertops, why wouldn’t injecting some into your body kill the disease there? That’s just common sense. Your lungs will be whiter, your organs cleaner, everything gets sanitized. Like new. Springtime fresh. I’ve directed the medical experts to start looking into it. This could be a real game-changer. Let’s start adding bleach to I.V. bags–– that’s got to be good for white blood cells. I’ve had enough of their doom and gloom. I want answers.”

Trump also stands by his claim that putting U.V. light under the skin will kill COVID-19.

“I’ve always had a healthy tan,” he said. “I don’t have coronavirus. I think that says everything. And a suntan is U.V. rays outside the skin, imagine what it could do under it.”

The wartime president is getting frustrated by his “so-called medical experts.”

“These people might be book smart, but they’re not big thinkers. I’ve always been a big idea guy,” he proclaimed. “I’ve told Fauci to start doing some studies on some other bigly ideas I’ve had. Like rat poison. The stuff kills rats, so wouldn’t it also kill coronavirus? That’s just common sense. We just have to find the right amount of rat poison. I told ‘Little Tony‘–– that’s my nickname for Fauci–– I said, let’s look into it. I think there might be something there.”

Trump also sees promise in lemon juice.

“You look at a lot of kitchen cleaners, and what do they have in common? Lemons. Everything’s got lemon-scent, right? So, maybe lemons are the secret to killing the ‘invisible enemy‘–– I came up with that nickname–– invisible enemy, everyone loves it. Hey, we don’t know if lemons are the miracle cure, but they could be, so let’s find out. I have a very good feeling about this. Who doesn’t like lemons?”

The commander-in-chief pauses.

“Look, I’m not a doctor, but I think these ideas are certainly worth looking into. What do we have to lose? What do we have to lose?”

America’s cheerleader put down his pom-poms and hung up.

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Before he became Georgia’s governor, Brian Kemp was a successful businessman making money in agribusiness,  financial services, and real estate. Now he has set his astute business mind to a new industry–– death!

Kemp came to The Lint Screen offices to discuss his new business venture.

“My daddy always told me, he said, son–– when opportunity knocks, you better dang well answer the door fast,” Kemp says as he relaxes in a leather wingtip chair holding a Waterford crystal tumbler of Pappy Van Winkle. “And right now, I hear opportunity nearly knocking down the down in the funeral business.”

Kemp is seated six feet one inch away from this reporter (who is wearing a hazmat suit). The governor crosses his legs, torches a Don Carlos Edicion de Aniversario cigar, and continues speaking through a fog of smoke.

“I’ve been noticing the death rate lately in America is rising pretty fast,” he says, leaning forward. “So, with the financial backing of Sen. Kelly Loeffler and some others, I’ve been buying up funeral homes all across Georgia. We’ve got sixteen of them so far, and we’ll be re-branding them Kemp Gates of Heaven Funeral Homes. I think people in Georgia just naturally trust the name Kemp –– and hot dog, who doesn’t want to go to heaven? It sure beats the alternative,” the goofy guv says, as he gives a wink and barks a laugh. He calms down from his hijinks, takes a contemplative draw on his stogie, and continues.

Kemp says he is fortunate to have good friends like Kelly Loeffler and her husband Jeffrey Sprecher, the chairman of the New York Stock Exchange.

“They are some right smart people,” Kemp says. “They’ve made some very savvy investments recently playing some hunches they had about businesses that might do well in the pandemic. Those investments have paid handsome dividends, and I am honored they trust me enough to give me the financial backing for my new enterprise.”

Kemp is asked his reaction to President Donald Trump’s comments yesterday that he did not agree with Kemp’s decision lifting restrictions for certain businesses in Georgia starting tomorrow.

“I love the president,” Kemp says. “I will always support him. Always. But sometimes a man just has to do what he has to do. I want to liberate Georgia. We’ve gone long enough without bowling or getting some new body art.”

Kemp finishes his Pappy, smashes the tumbler, and tips the ash off his cigar to the floor.

“I’ve got to run,” he says. “I have a Zoom meeting in ten minutes with some funeral directors. Opportunity’s knocking, and this good ol’ boy is answering the door!”

He exits, whistling Georgia On My Mind with a spring in his step.

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s entertaining debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus” ––  a dark humor romp across America in the early ’80s. You are one click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

A patriot is someone who loves liberty and country more than life itself. Many angry patriots are taking to the street and protesting against “the unlawful lockdown demanded by brainiacs who believe in science.”

The Lint Screen dispatched a reporter who was expendable to cover this breaking story, and here is his report:

A group of about 100 protestors crowded the Ohio Statehouse in Columbus yesterday. They were angry at the “un-Constitutional lockdown” of people during the coronavirus pandemic.

“I don’t want to stay at home,” Carol Lumby said. “My kids are awful. I think this whole stink is about some fake virus made up by the fake news media. It’s all a big scary story to try and torpedo President Trump’s re-election. The liberals can’t stand that he’s made America great again!”

“That’s right,” agrees Dan Kolirew. “Trump inherited the worst economy America has ever seen from Obama–– the worst president ever. There was a depression, rats were in the streets eating children, and lazy people were driving Lincolns to collect their welfare checks. Then, Trump got into office and he brought the country back. Just like he always did in The Apprentice. The guy just knows how to fix any business. Hell, he’s even giving up billions of bucks a year he could be making so he can serve our country. We should all thank him. Being president is costing him billions. That’s the truth. Rush says so, Hannity says so, too.”

“Damn straight,” chimes Rex Turdrud. “Now, all the socialists are trying to cheat him and take away all our rights. Next thing, they’ll want my social security check. They’re killing the economy because they’re afraid a few people might die.”

“I say thin the herd,” Carol commands. “My grandparents never gave me anything. A buck for birthdays, ten on Christmas. Big deal. They’re cheap as hell.” She pauses. “Listen, if there really is a virus, it’ll do us a favor by taking down the weak links. I say if you let a little flu kill you, that’s your fault. I want to get back to work and make my $13.48 an hour and get our economy humming again.”

“And when we do get back to the Trump economy,” Rex says, “I know he’s going to super-charge it by giving big tax cuts to the job creators. And that’s going to trickle down to us and we’ll all get rich.”

“That’ll be nice,” Carol says. “Maybe I’ll get a fifty dollar-an-hour raise. Or some healthcare–– but not Obamacare.”

“Hell, no,” Dan says. “Obamacare’s the worst. Trump says he’s got a plan to give us incredible healthcare at a fraction of the cost of Obamacare. A helluva lot better coverage for next to nothing.”

“Can’t wait,” Carol says. “It’ll be good to get back to normal. I want to keep America great, and re-electing Trump is the only way to do that.”

“Damn straight,” says Rex. “He’s the only guy who ever looks out for the little guy.”

“Mitch McConnell, too,” Dan adds.

“Goes without saying,” Rex says. “The GOP always looks out for the common man.” The protestors high five one another.

“Hey, are you guys feeling kind of hot out here,” Dan says as he coughs.

“Maybe a little,” Carol says.

“Trump says heat’s good. It kills the virus,” Rex says. “And taking that drug with the funny name, that kills the virus, too.”

“If there really is a virus,” Carol says with raised eyebrows. She looks to her left as Dan collapses to the ground coughing. “Don’t be a damn sissy, Dan,” she says. “Get up and put your MAGA hat back on. We got to protest for our rights before guys like Fauci kill us!”

Dan brings himself to his knees, his breath heavy. Rex drops to the ground coughing and Carol pokes him with her “GIVE ME MY FREEDOM” sign.

Viva la liberation!

———————————————————————————————-

Enjoy PD Scullin’s entertaining debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus” ––  a dark humor romp across America in the early ’80s. You are one click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

Attorney General Bill Barr is a man who believes in justice, and in his opinion, justice is not being served to President Donald J. Trump.

“It’s a disgrace,” Barr said as he walked into the offices of The Lint Screen at high noon with his light lunch of a six-foot Italian sub sandwich and a gallon of Barq’s Root Beer. “The president has done an incredible job with the pandemic, but many Americans aren’t giving him his due. I’m changing that.”

The pudgy legal beagle attacked his sub with extreme prejudice and washed down his massive cud with glugs and gulps of Barq’s.

“It’s my job to enforce justice, and I will do just that on behalf of our wonderful president who I love so much it hurts.” He pauses and appears uncomfortable. “I do love him–– but not in a gay way.”

Between rabid bites of his looooong sammie, Barr explained his plan.

“The president wants all Americans to get off their duffs and be back on the job on May first. That also happens to be Law Day. So I thought, let’s make it a triple header holiday and also declare it President Donald Trump Appreciation Day!“

Barr lets out a forty-second burp that smells of onions, salami, and sassafras. He continues with watery eyes.

“We will be demanding all Americans go into the streets at seven p.m. and begin banging pots and pans, applauding and cheering for our terrific president. It’s outrageous that people in many cities are doing cheers for healthcare workers every night but not for President Trump. Who do they think is keeping them safe by recommending Hydroxychloroquine? You won’t see the signature of medical workers on your $1200 check. You’ll see the president’s John Hancock on your check. Every American should be reciting the Pledge of Allegiance to Trump every morning.”

The A.G. attacks the last eighteen inches of his savory sub dripping olive oil and vinegar and washes it down his gullet with root beer.

“And anyone who does not obey my mandatory decree will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law,” he says, wagging a greasy finger, then licking it clean. “I’ve talked to my crew at the Supreme Court, and they’re on board. If the libs want to fight, it’ll be a five-four defeat.” He chuckles. “Thank God for the Kav-man and Gorchie.”

When asked what the punishment was for disobeying his order to praise Trump, Barr laughed.

“Let’s just say if you don’t do it, you won’t have a country with a fantastic leader to hate anymore.” (Reading between the lines, one assumes the punishment will be deportation.)

Barr wipes his mouth and burps again. “Anyone who insults the president by not praising him will be executed.” He pantomimes, pulling the trigger of a gun.

He pushes his chair back, crumples his napkin, throws it in this reporter’s face, and says, “Take that, fake news!”

The attorney general wobbles out the door, like Penguin in Batman, looking for his next opponent.

———————————————————————————————-

Enjoy PD Scullin’s entertaining debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus” ––  a dark humor romp across America in the early ’80s. You are one click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

While the fake news media tries to slam the president for doing a superbly excellent job of leading the nation during a national crisis, the big man wants to get America working again.

“I’m sick of seeing Americans sitting on their asses all day doing nothing,” President Trump told The Lint Screen. “They need to get back to working their two to three minimum-wage jobs and get my economy humming again. I’ve got to get re-elected. Quit milking the system!”

To help in that effort, our Glorious Leader has drafted an all-star crew of big brains to decide when the country reopens for business. And included in that team is a woman–– Ivanka Trump.

“Ivanka is a very beautiful woman–– she’s my hot daughter, that’s what I always tell Tiffany,” Trump said with stars in his eyes. “But Ivanka is more than just a babe. She has been responsible for something like 60-70% of all jobs in America. She’s got a brain, a big brain like her old man, although I’m not old when you consider how much stamina I have. I don’t think any president has had more stamina and energy than I have. Maybe the most energy ever. A lot of people are saying that. I can run circles around Sleepy Joe.”

‘The Hot Daughter’ will be joining her husband Jared ‘The Kushinator’ Kushner, Chief of Staff Mark ‘Mark’ Meadows, U.S. Trade Representative Robert ‘The Goat Humper’ Lighthizer, Treasury Secretary Steven ‘Noochikins’ Mnuchin, Commerce Secretary Wilbur ‘Sweet Breath’ Ross, National Economic Council chairman Larry ‘The Big Kud’ Kudlow, and HUD Secretary Ben ‘Here’s Johnny!’ Carson.

“Ben is black, you know,” Trump said. “Very black. And Ivanka’s a girl–– so I have all the minority bases covered. Let’s see the P.C. police complain about that.”

The goal of this brain trust will be deciding the best time to drop the green flag and get American’s back on the employment track so Trump can get back to re-election campaign rallies for his throngs of adoring kooks and rubes.

“If we go back to a little early, so what?” Trump said. “Some people die. Hey, none of us lives forever, but with my stamina and energy, don’t count me out. I think I could live longer than any president, everyone says so.”

Trump has been very impressed by the tremendous job he’s doing during this pandemic.

“I came up with ‘the invisible enemy’ for coronavirus and now I call it ‘the brilliant enemy’ –– I don’t think there’s ever been a better president at coming up with nicknames than me. I also brought in the My Pillow guy to help. Great guy.”

Trump gets misty-eyed and continues.

“But look at the stats I’ve accumulated for our country. No country has had more testing, coronavirus cases, and casualties. I am putting America first like never before. And, if there is any fault or blame, it’s on the governors, especially the Democratic ones. They don’t love America like I do. I hug flags–– do it all the time–– so that proves it.”

With that, the president donned his signature KEEP AMERICA GREAT hat and danced the Hokey Pokey.

“Those governors have to do what I say,” Trump said. “I am the president, and it’s my country!”

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus”, a dark humor romp across America in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

For weeks, President Donal Trump has been pushing Hydroxychloroquine as an effective drug in the treatment of the COVID-19 coronavirus, to the ashamed eye rolls of Dr. Anthony Fauci, one of those smartypants who believe in “science.”

But like a petulant two-year-old, the president will not be ignored.

He’s mentioned the drug during recent daily press briefings with the catchy slogan, “What do you have to lose?”

But today he shifted his sales strategy to THE TRUMP HARD SELL!!!

“Look, I’m not a doctor, okay?” the huckster in a Chinese-made silk tie said. “But I do have good common sense.” The president began making his Tourette’s Syndrome-like hand gestures. “And I have to tell you, this Hydroxychloroquine is amazing. An incredible drug. Remarkable. Hydro… chlor…o…quine. Funny name. But a great drug. Great drug.”

The president fixes his eyes on his rubes in the audience.

“If you have coronavirus, take Hydroxychloroquine. It’s also good for malaria. Works like gangbusters for rheumatoid arthritis, and lupe-rust. Very nasty disease, lupe-rust. Don’t want a rusted lupe. But that’s not all folks!”

Trump leans forward. He cautiously looks side to side, then confides to his shills in a stage whisper.

“It’s also good for erectile dysfunction.” He raises his eyebrows and leans forward to his stooges.

“Can’t get lead in your pencil? Does your flag only go to half-mast? Can’t charm the ol’ snake? Take Hydroxychloroquine, folks. It’s incredible stuff. Like instant wood. Take it from a guy who knows. You’ll love it. I guarantee it. And you know you can trust me, I’m the president of the country! I would never lie.”

Trump smiles a mouthful of dentures and winks from the slits carved into his pumpkin face.

“Get some Hydroxychloroquine today. The stuff is a wonder drug–– is there anything it can’t do? I don’t think so. I really don’t think so.”

Dr. Fauci began vomiting in the corner of the stage as Mike Pence did his human mannequin.

———————————————————————————————-

Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus”, a dark humor romp across America in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.