President Donald J. Trump’s firstborn son Don Jr. is known for being a straight shooter, and he has the presidential 2020 election in his crosshairs.

“That thing was a complete travesty of justice,” Donald Trump Jr. told The Lint Screen. “Joe Biden is a dirty cheater. He used dead people and aliens from outer space to rig the election in his favor.”

The bearded boy is steaming because his “Pops” is losing the election thanks to Biden’s crooked trick of using vote counting.

“Biden has these people working in secret rooms counting votes,” Junior said. “They use calculators and add numbers that make it look like he’s winning. It’s just not fair.”

He strokes his close-cropped beard and continues ranting.

“Can you imagine? Biden dug up graves, opened coffins, and had dead people sign pre-printed ballots voting for him,” Donnie boy said, shaking his head. “Then, he sent a signal into outer space and had aliens land on Earth. He gave them stacks of ballots from all 50 states–– ballots that were already filled out for Joe Biden. The aliens signed them, and Biden stuffed the ballot boxes, making it look like humans were voting for him.”

The door flung open, and a manic Rudy Giuliani charged in and reported he had found another Hunter Biden laptop.

“It was in a Greyhound station in Buffalo,” the wide-eyed lawyer barks. “I have evidence that Hunter Biden has been planning to rig the election for his daddy for years. He got dogs and cats to fill out ballots for Biden. He gave them delicious treats. He also had Chinese children filling out ballots for him. The whole election is a cheat!”

Don Jr. nods and smiles.

“We got him,” he said, smiling. “Thanks, Rudy, for getting to the bottom of this. Given all this new evidence, we have to tell the world the truth–– Donald J. Trump has been re-elected!”

“And that’s not all,” Rudy said, with eyes bugging. “There is no pandemic! It’s a big hoax. And even if there actually is one, it’s going to disappear soon.”

The two men leave the room, warriors of justice for the preservation of the American way.

All hail, “Pops“–– our glorious leader once more!

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a dark humor romp across America in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

Jared Kushner is not only President Donald J. Trump’s favorite son-in-law, but he’s also his staunchest defender. Today, the dashing, manly wunderkind came to his “Poppy’s” defense in the 2020 election.

“It’s outrageous what’s happened,” Kushner told The Lint Screen. “Donald Trump is without a doubt the greatest president in U.S. history, yet, we had over 72 million Americans cast votes for a raving socialist hellbent on destroying our country named Joe Biden. That’s undemocratic, unpatriotic, un-American. They’ve committed treason. And we will crush them. As the president says, ‘No more Mr. Nice Guy.’”

To that end, Kushner has enlisted hundreds of thousands of lawyers who are scouring voting records and identifying those traitorous people who voted for Biden.

“We plan to prosecute these bastards to the fullest extent of the law,” Kushner proclaimed. “And the penalty for treason is death. We’re researching if there’s a harsher punishment, but, at the very least they will be executed.”

Ivanka’s husband said the entire election was a travesty of justice.

“How could people betray President Trump?” the Kushinator asked rhetorically. “He won a decisive victory and deserved to win because is dealing with this pandemic hoax and needs the support of all Americans. But, he’s willing to live and let live, once we kill all the people who stabbed him in the back.”

Kushner said his father-in-law is excited about serving a second term.

“The president says he’s only just begun making America great,” Kushner said. “And with fewer Americans to care for, he won’t have to deal with the resistance and crybabies. It should be much smoothing sailing until 2024, and, the president may extend his length of stay in office to 2050. We are truly a blessed nation.”

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a dark humor romp across America in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

According to President Donald J. Trump, he is victorious in his re-election bid against Joe Biden.

“I won, and it was a huge victory,” Trump told The Lint Screen. “No one’s ever seen a victory like it. Everyone says so. The biggest ever.”

In a stunning development last night, the president signed an executive order outlawing arithmetic in America and demanded the presidential ballots not be counted.

“It’s ridiculous,” Trump declared. “I put a stop to all this crooked counting. One plus one is two–– says who? Look at the history of arithmetic. It wasn’t even invented here. Math came from Greece or some other shithole country. I like things made in America, so I decided to get rid of it. I’ve still got a lot of work to do making America great again.“

The president says he is confident he won.

“Absolutely, I won. I won bigly,” he said. “You know it, I know it, everybody knows it. And sleepy Joe Biden knows it. I cleaned his clock. We don’t need math to tell us that. It’s obvious I won. Look at all the people who came to my rallies. How could I possibly lose?”

Trump gets agitated as he talks about the election process.

“It’s very corrupt, very crooked,” he fumed. “Look–– where do all these blue ballots come from? I’ll tell where–– Democrat-run cities. Is that fair? Hell no. And since those cities are full of Antifa and anarchists, why should they get a say? I’m the law and order president, and I’m here to tell you the whole damn system is rigged, and arithmetic is to blame.”

The Biden campaign has not conceded the election.

“That guy’s nuts,” said a campaign official. “Let the blowhard rant. He’s got to run out of hot air someday. We’re packing and getting ready to move into the White House.”

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a dark humor romp across America in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

President Donald Trump is known for his emotional intelligence and even temper, but tiny Tony Fauci has become a painful burr in his saddle.

“That runt is a joke,” Trump told The Lint Screen. “He’s a traitor. Mr. Medical Science is always talking his doomsday crap and scaring people. I’ve had enough. We’re turning the corner, COVID’s going to disappear. And the moment I win re-election, and I’m winning–– 99.9% of the votes for Trump–– I’m going to fire Fauci’s ass and replace him with Putin.”

Trump’s fat face is beet-red. Jared Kushner brings the big man a brown paper bag imprinted with a large TRUMP logo. The prez hyperventilates into the sack for a minute, then continues.

“I had been getting excellent medical advice from Mike Lindell, the Mr. Pillow Guy,” Trump says. “Then I heard about Russia’s amazing COVID-19 vaccine.” The president smiles and props his feet on the Resolute desk. “I’ve established a tremendous relationship with Putin. Great guy. Smart. Very strong. So I called him and asked if he’d like to be in charge of my Operation Warp Speed. We’ll give Russia the $10 billion budgeted for Warp Speed and use their vaccine. Putin says the vaccine’s incredible. Works instantly.”

The president crosses his arms and winks. “I drove a very hard bargain with Putin,” Trump says. “I’m the world’s best negotiator. I gave him the names of our secret agents working overseas and our nuclear codes and the locations of our nuclear arsenal. Putin wanted an additional $100 billion. I kept a poker face and got him down to $99.5 billion. He finally folded and agreed to take the job. I’m the best negotiator ever!”

Trump sees no problem with the president of a communist country handling medical care for the world’s largest democracy.

“Look, that’s will all be changing,” Trump said. “America’s been a democracy for too damn long. What–– a couple hundred years or something? In my second term, I’m doing away with democracy. We’ll save so much money getting rid of elections and these stupid bureaucrats. I’ll find the very best people and give them the power. I’m going to simplify government. Make it much leaner. I’m going to make American lives much better.”

Trump flashes his famous smile. “People are going to be amazed with my second term. They’re not going to believe how great I’m going to make America.”

Ivanka Trump enters the Oval Office in a lacy teddy, leaps on top of the desk, and begins go-go dancing.

“Daddy for emperor!” she shouts as she sheds her clothes. Jared starts huffing and puffing into a Trump brown paper bag.

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a dark humor romp across America in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

There was a President Trump rally last night at Omaha’s Eppley Airfield, and his MAGA maniacs came to show their support and hear his tales of victimhood.

After the president spewed his endless stream of lies and grievances, he hopped on the toasty warm Air Force One and flew the coop. The masses were left in the freezing cold waiting for transportation back to their cars parked in remote lots.

“I thought since I got a bus ride out to the rally, I’d have a bus ride back,” Aggie Thomplim, an unemployed factory worker age 48, said. “But there weren’t many buses going back. I got some frostbite. Lost a couple toes and a finger–– it was just a pinkie, though, but I’m so happy I came. That Donald Trump is a big TV star! He’s so handsome!”

Bobbie Kinsley, a 74-year-old retired appliance repairman with a bum hip, said, “Boy howdy, it was bitter cold. I got tired of waiting for a bus, so I walked back to my car on the dark road with a bunch of other people. The weak ones fell by the wayside. Took me three hours of hoofing in the stinging cold to get to my car, but it made me stronger. Thanks, President Trump, for making America great again.”

Helen Gurdy, age 34, and her two children, Brett, age six, Jackie, age four, were also in attendance.

“Sure, the one-way transportation was a bit of an inconvenience,” she said, “but sometimes things just don’t work out like you want them to. Look at COVID. George Soros, Bill Gates, and Anthony Fauci created that disease and gave it to China to make Trump look bad. But Trump cares about people, and tonight he said we’re turning the corner. So I guess he had the last laugh.”

The mother’s eyes get teary as she continues.

“Last week, my mother died from COVID. She was all alone in the hospital. It was awfully sad. I’ll never forgive those liberals for killing her. Thank God we got Trump protecting us.”

She wipes a tear and shakes a fist.

“And don’t go telling me I have to wear a mask!” she says. “I got my freedom. And I’ll cough wherever the hell I want.”

Helen’s son, Brett, begins a hacking cough, and Jackie complains she feels hot. The mother gets agitated.

“For Chrissake, kids, don’t be wimps,” she snaps. “We were only in the freezing cold for a few hours. You got to see a great man! That’s a small price to pay.”

This morning, both her children were rushed to the hospital with pneumonia.

“Thank goodness we got Obamacare,” Helen said. “But, I can’t wait to see how good Trumpcare‘s going to be.”

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a dark humor romp across America in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

When Rudy Giuliani isn’t touching himself in front of young women, he is America’s watchdog–– scouring the planet looking for evildoers and busting them.

In December 2019, ‘America’s Mayor’ trekked all the way to Ukraine on a very important case.

“I heard all these amazing stories about the evil shenanigans perpetrated by Hunter Biden,” Rudy tells The Lint Screen, as his right hand begins creeping toward his crotch. “I decided I’d better find out what the hell is happening–– there might be something illegal going on with Joe Biden’s crooked son.”

Giuliani restrains his right hand with his left and continues.

“When I got back to the states, I kept up my sleuthing.” The mad-eyed kook flashes his alabaster beaver-size chompers. “One day, I got a call from a computer repair guy in Delaware. He said he had repaired a laptop for Hunter Biden and discovered a file marked “TOP SECRET: KEEP OUT–– THIS MEANS YOU!!!” Can you imagine! You can’t make this stuff up. Anyway, this repair guy’s a real patriot, so he wanted me to have a copy of Hunter’s hard drive that he made.”

Rudy once again realizes his hand has snuck into his pants and wrestles with himself removing it.

“Now, here’s where the story gets pretty wild,” Rudy says, leaning in. “I start reading some emails that Hunter wrote when he was on the board of Burisma Holdings, a Ukrainian energy company. Just listen to some of these nasty things he and his dad have done.”

The petite fireball reaches into a file folder, producing some papers marked “TOP SECRET” in large red letters, and reads.

“‘Dear Mr. Crime Boss of a criminal enterprise in Ukraine–– I need lots of bribe money to kickback to my criminal dad. He is a socialist madman trying to organize a coup against America’s greatest president, Donald J. Trump, whose children Don Jr., Eric, and Ivanka are very honest, just like he is. Integrity runs in the Trump family. My bad seed of a dad, Joe Biden, is running for president against Trump and demands illegal dirty money to run his underworld organization… so pony up the cashola, or else there will be trouble!!!’”

Giuliani leans back and wipes his brow. “Pretty suspicious, right?” Looking down, the crime fighter notices he has removed his pants and is fondling himself. He stops, gets dressed, and continues.

“Here’s another one, Hunter wrote. This one to China’s President Xi. ‘Dear Almighty Leader Who Owns My Father–– Dad asked me to write to you and request you release the deadly pandemic you have been developing with Dr. Anthony Fauci. The old man wants you to release the virus to make Donald Trump look bad. My father, Joe Biden, says he doesn’t care how many innocent Americans get sick or die. He wants to be president so he can ruin democracy and wipe his butt with Old Glory and The Constitution! By the way, President Xi, this letter and the many others on my laptop hard drive are NOT Russian disinformation. They’re real! Believe me!!!”

Rudy sees that he once again has grabbed himself. He stops, dresses, and shoves the papers into the folder.

“I can’t read any more of these, but I think you get the drift. Joe Biden and his son Hunter are really bad hombres, and President Trump and his children are honest and love America. Trump wants to make America great again, and he will if the dastardly Democrats don’t rig the election.”

As Rudy runs out the door screaming like a banshee, one wonders what crimes he will solve next.

Thanks, America’s crime buster!

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a dark humor romp across America in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.