The White House is a sad place these days. Following Joe Biden’s decisive defeat of President Donald J. Trump in the presidential election, the mood in the Oval Office has been forlorn and embittered.

The Lint Screen relays the following transcript of a recent encounter between President Trump and the ghost of ex-president Richard Nixon.

THE SCENE OPENS AT MIDNIGHT WITH PRESIDENT TRUMP OVERTURNING FURNITURE AND SLASHING THE DRAPES OF THE OVAL OFFICE.

DT: I won! Everyone knows I won! Biden’s trying to cheat me!

THE GHOST OF RICHARD M. NIXON APPEARS.

RN: What the hell are you doing, Donald?

DT: What?! Is that really you–– Tricky Dick?

RN: Don’t call me that. I never liked that name.

DT: Hey, I’ve got your boy, Roger Stone, helping me out. He loves you. Has a tattoo of you on his back.

RN: Roger’s a good man. No morals. Evil as hell. Scum. My kind of guy.

DT: I got him out of some trouble. Busted him out of jail. Maybe he’ll get a tattoo of me.

RN: Maybe he will. Tell me why you’re making a mess of the Oval Office? Is something wrong?

DT: Didn’t you hear? Joe Biden’s trying to steal the election.

RN: Biden? Is that guy still around?

DT: Yeah. And he’s being mean to me. Very mean.

RN: Mean to you? Hells bells, man, everyone was mean to me. They tried to impeach me for Chrissake.

DT: They did impeach me! Very unfair. Shifty Schiff and Nancy had a huge witch hunt and––

RN: Don’t talk to me about witch hunts. They all came after me for Watergate and––

DT: Watergate was nothing, Nixon. I had Bob Mueller’s witch hunt on my ass for almost two years and––

RN: Everyone was after my scalp, Trump. They wanted all my records, my tapes. That weasel John Dean even ratted me out. And the whole damn thing was on national TV and––

DT: That’s nothing. I have all these late-night shows making fun of me. Colbert, Kimmel, Fallon, Meyers––

RN: Who the hell are they? Christ, I had Johnny Carson making fun of me. Johnny!

DT: Johnny was big…

RN: The biggest. None bigger. Sounds to me like you’ve got it good, Trump, compared to what they did to me.

DT: No, you’re wrong. Everyone has been very unfair, very mean to me. No one has been more abused than Donald J. Trump. No one in history.

RN: Hell, man, get a grip on yourself. Quit your bellyaching and self-pity. Draw on the courage you mustered when you served in the armed forces.

DT: I, uh… didn’t serve. I wanted to. But couldn’t.

RN: Why not?

DT: Bone spurs.

RN: Bone spurs?! You’re serious? Bone spurs!

DT: Very painful. Doctors said it was the worst case they’d ever––

RN: Trump, you sound like a big crybaby. A bellyacher. How in holy hell did you possibly get elected president in the first place?

DT: It was simple. I promised to make America great again.

RN: Wasn’t America already great?

DT: No. The country was awful back then. Obama was in office. He’s from Kenya. Black. A socialist. There was carnage. He crashed the economy. There were rats and poisonous snake everywhere––

RN: And you made it better?

DT: I built the greatest economy in history. Tremendous economy. Fantastic economy. I was the greatest president ever, even better than Lincoln, everyone says so.

RN: If you were so goddamn great, Trump, why didn’t you get re-elected?

DT: Biden cheated me.

RN: Uh, huh. How many votes did you lose by?

DT: About five million. So far.

RN: Five million!

DT: They were all illegal. They’re even counting mail-in ballots.

RN: I see. You know what I think, Trump?

DT: What, Nixon?

RN: I think you’re a big fat loser making a shambles of the Oval Office. You’re not up for the job. Unfit for office. I suggest you grow a pair and start packing.

DT: That’s not nice, Nixon.

TRUMP PICKS UP A CHAIR AND HURLS IT AT THE GHOST OF NIXON. THE CHAIR PASSES THROUGH HIS FORM AND CRASHES INTO THE WALL.

RN: (NIXON LAUGHS) I’ll leave you to your temper tantrum, Trump.

DT: That’s not fair, I couldn’t hurt you. I want to hurt you, Nixon. Get back here…

THE GHOST OF NIXON LAUGHS AND VANISHES AS TRUMP SOBS, STOMPING HIS FEET.

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a dark humor romp across America in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

It may be all over for Donald J. Trump’s presidency (except for the crying, blaming, and lawsuits), but it appears Joe Biden is America’s next president.

And that has some of his most ardent fans enraged.

“This shit will not stand,” Tom Ribbens, leader of The Trump Troops, told The Lint Screen. “Donald Trump will always be our leader and savior. He gave us a reason to wake up every morning and dress like army men and claim victimhood for the unfair way society abuses white men.”

“I’m not accepting the election,” said Frank Waterloo, a disgruntled militiaman with a chip on his shoulder. “Joe Biden will never be my president because he cheated in the election. Who ever heard of counting all the votes? That’s un-American, and I ain’t standing for it.”

“It’s the deep state,” said Ken Olermin. “They conspired with the fake news media to try a coup against America’s greatest president, Donald Trump. It’s not right. Tucker, Hannity, Rush, Alex–– they know the score and told us the truth. True Trumpers worshipped the man. But Biden cheated him.”

Olermin spits on the ground and shakes his fist as he continues his inane blathering.

“Hell, Rudy went and tracked down Hunter Biden’s laptops. I think they had the steal the election conspiracy plans and Hillary’s emails on them. But the fake news media wouldn’t report it because it was the honest to God truth. They only tell fake news. It’s disgusting.”

Terry Mansent approached his comrades in arms with a distraught expression of doom.

“Hey, guys,” he said as he looked over his shoulder at his band of brothers. “Do you think these camo pants make my ass look big? Be honest. I need to know.”

The men circled the soldier with critical eyes.

“No, dude,” Charlie Westlake assured his friend. “They fit you real nice. Compliment your manly buttocks. I also like the way they ride on your thighs. I think they’re pretty slimming, Terry.”

“They’re sexy as hell, dude,” Tim Mullimaker said. “I think they’re a perfect fit. That camo really accentuates your lower physique.”

“Thanks, guys,” Terry said, his eye-watering. “That means the world to me. Sometimes I worry too much about my weight.”

“Get over it, dude,” Tom Ribbens said. “Camo hides everything, including cellulite. And remember, we need to keep our eye on the prize–– keeping Donald Trump president!”

The angry men cheered and began playing army again.

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a dark humor romp across America in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

President Donald J. Trump’s firstborn son Don Jr. is known for being a straight shooter, and he has the presidential 2020 election in his crosshairs.

“That thing was a complete travesty of justice,” Donald Trump Jr. told The Lint Screen. “Joe Biden is a dirty cheater. He used dead people and aliens from outer space to rig the election in his favor.”

The bearded boy is steaming because his “Pops” is losing the election thanks to Biden’s crooked trick of using vote counting.

“Biden has these people working in secret rooms counting votes,” Junior said. “They use calculators and add numbers that make it look like he’s winning. It’s just not fair.”

He strokes his close-cropped beard and continues ranting.

“Can you imagine? Biden dug up graves, opened coffins, and had dead people sign pre-printed ballots voting for him,” Donnie boy said, shaking his head. “Then, he sent a signal into outer space and had aliens land on Earth. He gave them stacks of ballots from all 50 states–– ballots that were already filled out for Joe Biden. The aliens signed them, and Biden stuffed the ballot boxes, making it look like humans were voting for him.”

The door flung open, and a manic Rudy Giuliani charged in and reported he had found another Hunter Biden laptop.

“It was in a Greyhound station in Buffalo,” the wide-eyed lawyer barks. “I have evidence that Hunter Biden has been planning to rig the election for his daddy for years. He got dogs and cats to fill out ballots for Biden. He gave them delicious treats. He also had Chinese children filling out ballots for him. The whole election is a cheat!”

Don Jr. nods and smiles.

“We got him,” he said, smiling. “Thanks, Rudy, for getting to the bottom of this. Given all this new evidence, we have to tell the world the truth–– Donald J. Trump has been re-elected!”

“And that’s not all,” Rudy said, with eyes bugging. “There is no pandemic! It’s a big hoax. And even if there actually is one, it’s going to disappear soon.”

The two men leave the room, warriors of justice for the preservation of the American way.

All hail, “Pops“–– our glorious leader once more!

———————————————————————————————-

Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a dark humor romp across America in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

Jared Kushner is not only President Donald J. Trump’s favorite son-in-law, but he’s also his staunchest defender. Today, the dashing, manly wunderkind came to his “Poppy’s” defense in the 2020 election.

“It’s outrageous what’s happened,” Kushner told The Lint Screen. “Donald Trump is without a doubt the greatest president in U.S. history, yet, we had over 72 million Americans cast votes for a raving socialist hellbent on destroying our country named Joe Biden. That’s undemocratic, unpatriotic, un-American. They’ve committed treason. And we will crush them. As the president says, ‘No more Mr. Nice Guy.’”

To that end, Kushner has enlisted hundreds of thousands of lawyers who are scouring voting records and identifying those traitorous people who voted for Biden.

“We plan to prosecute these bastards to the fullest extent of the law,” Kushner proclaimed. “And the penalty for treason is death. We’re researching if there’s a harsher punishment, but, at the very least they will be executed.”

Ivanka’s husband said the entire election was a travesty of justice.

“How could people betray President Trump?” the Kushinator asked rhetorically. “He won a decisive victory and deserved to win because is dealing with this pandemic hoax and needs the support of all Americans. But, he’s willing to live and let live, once we kill all the people who stabbed him in the back.”

Kushner said his father-in-law is excited about serving a second term.

“The president says he’s only just begun making America great,” Kushner said. “And with fewer Americans to care for, he won’t have to deal with the resistance and crybabies. It should be much smoothing sailing until 2024, and, the president may extend his length of stay in office to 2050. We are truly a blessed nation.”

———————————————————————————————-

Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a dark humor romp across America in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

According to President Donald J. Trump, he is victorious in his re-election bid against Joe Biden.

“I won, and it was a huge victory,” Trump told The Lint Screen. “No one’s ever seen a victory like it. Everyone says so. The biggest ever.”

In a stunning development last night, the president signed an executive order outlawing arithmetic in America and demanded the presidential ballots not be counted.

“It’s ridiculous,” Trump declared. “I put a stop to all this crooked counting. One plus one is two–– says who? Look at the history of arithmetic. It wasn’t even invented here. Math came from Greece or some other shithole country. I like things made in America, so I decided to get rid of it. I’ve still got a lot of work to do making America great again.“

The president says he is confident he won.

“Absolutely, I won. I won bigly,” he said. “You know it, I know it, everybody knows it. And sleepy Joe Biden knows it. I cleaned his clock. We don’t need math to tell us that. It’s obvious I won. Look at all the people who came to my rallies. How could I possibly lose?”

Trump gets agitated as he talks about the election process.

“It’s very corrupt, very crooked,” he fumed. “Look–– where do all these blue ballots come from? I’ll tell where–– Democrat-run cities. Is that fair? Hell no. And since those cities are full of Antifa and anarchists, why should they get a say? I’m the law and order president, and I’m here to tell you the whole damn system is rigged, and arithmetic is to blame.”

The Biden campaign has not conceded the election.

“That guy’s nuts,” said a campaign official. “Let the blowhard rant. He’s got to run out of hot air someday. We’re packing and getting ready to move into the White House.”

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a dark humor romp across America in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

President Donald Trump is known for his emotional intelligence and even temper, but tiny Tony Fauci has become a painful burr in his saddle.

“That runt is a joke,” Trump told The Lint Screen. “He’s a traitor. Mr. Medical Science is always talking his doomsday crap and scaring people. I’ve had enough. We’re turning the corner, COVID’s going to disappear. And the moment I win re-election, and I’m winning–– 99.9% of the votes for Trump–– I’m going to fire Fauci’s ass and replace him with Putin.”

Trump’s fat face is beet-red. Jared Kushner brings the big man a brown paper bag imprinted with a large TRUMP logo. The prez hyperventilates into the sack for a minute, then continues.

“I had been getting excellent medical advice from Mike Lindell, the Mr. Pillow Guy,” Trump says. “Then I heard about Russia’s amazing COVID-19 vaccine.” The president smiles and props his feet on the Resolute desk. “I’ve established a tremendous relationship with Putin. Great guy. Smart. Very strong. So I called him and asked if he’d like to be in charge of my Operation Warp Speed. We’ll give Russia the $10 billion budgeted for Warp Speed and use their vaccine. Putin says the vaccine’s incredible. Works instantly.”

The president crosses his arms and winks. “I drove a very hard bargain with Putin,” Trump says. “I’m the world’s best negotiator. I gave him the names of our secret agents working overseas and our nuclear codes and the locations of our nuclear arsenal. Putin wanted an additional $100 billion. I kept a poker face and got him down to $99.5 billion. He finally folded and agreed to take the job. I’m the best negotiator ever!”

Trump sees no problem with the president of a communist country handling medical care for the world’s largest democracy.

“Look, that’s will all be changing,” Trump said. “America’s been a democracy for too damn long. What–– a couple hundred years or something? In my second term, I’m doing away with democracy. We’ll save so much money getting rid of elections and these stupid bureaucrats. I’ll find the very best people and give them the power. I’m going to simplify government. Make it much leaner. I’m going to make American lives much better.”

Trump flashes his famous smile. “People are going to be amazed with my second term. They’re not going to believe how great I’m going to make America.”

Ivanka Trump enters the Oval Office in a lacy teddy, leaps on top of the desk, and begins go-go dancing.

“Daddy for emperor!” she shouts as she sheds her clothes. Jared starts huffing and puffing into a Trump brown paper bag.

———————————————————————————————-

Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a dark humor romp across America in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.