In a 50-50 Senate, the stakes are high for dominance. Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell is drooling at the prospect of luring Democratic Senator Joe Manchin to Team GOP so he can rule the roost once again.
Manchin has torpedoed Biden’s Build Back Better plan, and McConnell smells blood in the water.
“I’ve reached out to Joe,” McConnell tells The Lint Screen, “and I think I may be able to get him to switch allegiances.”
McConnell has been hard at work putting together what he considers to be “an offer Joe Manchin can’t refuse.” The Kentucky man with the pelican chin smiles as he describes his offer.
“Right off the bat, Joe will get a $20 million signing bonus from Koch Industries,” Mitch begins. “But that’s just an appetizer. We’ve got an autographed copy of Donald Trump’s THE ART OF THE DEAL, and a framed photo of Trump’s inaugural crowd, the largest in history. The big guy will also share his private cell phone number, so Joe has a hotline to the big boss whenever he wants. Access is power. Especially from The Chosen One.”
The creepy old coot rubs his palms together.
“And since Manchin is a red-blooded West Virginian, we’ve got something to bring that blood to a boil.” McConnell grins. “If Joe comes over to our side, Marjorie Taylor Greene and Lauren Boebert will give him lap dances. The gals will dance with or without firearms––dealer’s choice! Joe can also enjoy a full-body oil massage from the healing hands of Ted Cruz and a galloping pony ride on the shoulders of Josh Hawley all over the Senate chambers. Rep. Jimbo Jordan will give Manchin one of his suit jackets, like new! But that’s not all. He’ll receive personal science tutoring from Mister Science himself, Ron Johnson. Manchin will also get to go to a kegler with Brett Kavanaugh–– and BK will perform his famous keg stand. It’s a classic move!”
McConnell begins chuckling.
“I honestly don’t see how Manchin can refuse this deal,” the crafty one says. “And I think Joe will make a move to the dark side and give me back the Senate. Then, we can get back to work and finish the job of destroying democracy and America.”
McConnell snaps the neck of an adorable puppy and smiles. “I feel good,” he chirps.
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