Over the weekend, Former Vice President and milquetoast Sears mannequin Mike Pence discovered he had a pair between his legs. Finally, he spoke out about the attempted coup and insurrection on January 6, 2021.

“President Trump acted in a rather unkind way on January 6,” Pence told a crowd at the Gridiron dinner over the weekend. “It was his fault people stormed the Capitol and put my family at risk. The angry mob could have killed us or done something even worse––like make us woke. But I couldn’t be prouder of the incredible accomplishments of the Trump-Pence administration. Serving such a great man was a true honor. God sent him to save his people. Mother and I pray for him nightly before we slip into our leather and chains and make some pow-wow-wow.”

Disgraced twice-impeached ex-President Donald Trump flipped out when he heard what Pence said.

“That chickenshit weasel was why people were so angry,” Trump tells The Lint Screen. “Had Pence shown some courage, he could have stopped Biden from stealing my election. You know it, I know it, everyone knows it. So unfair, it was very wrong. Pence was in the bag of the woke liberals, so he threw the election. A lot of people are saying Mike is a homicidal killer. A raging maniac. Kills puppy litters. Not a nice fellow.”

Fox News Russian mole Tucker Carlson thinks both men are wrong.

“Nothing happened on January 6,” Carlson claims. “I’ve carefully reviewed over 40,000 hours of surveillance footage. The crowd was orderly and well-behaved. I think the Democrats used some of Lucasfilm’s special effects to try and alter history. That’s just disgraceful.”

A confused nation isn’t sure who to believe because all the men are trustworthy and honorable.

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Be a reader of PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. Also available in audiobook. Click here for a fun ride. Buckle up and go.