Disgraced ex-president Donald J. Trump is a masterful salesman. From steaks to water, vodka, ribbed condoms, TOP SECRET classified documents, MAGA hats, and gold sneakers, Trump has pimped them all with the same conviction that almost seems truthful.

Now, the conman is pitching Bibles. Here is the script from his recent infomercial posted on his propaganda channel, Truth Social.

DJT: Hello, America. It’s me, your favorite president, Donald J. Trump. When I look around today, I see our great country is in shambles. Biden has driven us over the cliff. Unemployment has never been higher, the stock market’s never been lower, and the economy is in tatters. Everyone is fighting over rats to eat. It’s disgraceful. So I decided to do something about it.

I’ve written a good book, a very good book, and I want you to have it. I call it The Holy Trump Bible. I’ve always loved the Bible. I have copies of it everywhere in my mansions. I even have a Bible beside my copy of Mein Kampf on my nightstand. Although the Bible is my favorite book, that Adolf Hitler could write a good story, too. Very strong, very inspiring.

One night, I was reading the Bible and thought, this is a good book, but I can improve it. So I did that. How? By doing what our forefathers wanted––mixing religion with politics because they go together like peanut butter and chocolate.

I added the lyrics from Lee Greenwood’s “God Bless the USA” ––but I didn’t stop there. I also put in a copy of The Constitution, which I’ll ignore when I return to office. Then, I threw in the Bill of Rights, the Declaration of Independence, and the Pledge of Allegiance to make it super patriotic. You can almost hear me and my J6 Choir! They are such great patriots, and now they’re held hostage. Sad. Very sad.

I looked at what I created and thought, now that’s a much better book, but it’s still missing something. It needs a hero. So, I made one more revision.

I replaced all the references to Jesus Christ with Donald J. Trump. Jesus had his time, but this is my time to shine. He was never cheated out of an election like I was!

How much would you expect to pay for this incredible book? $50,000? $10,000? $1,800? No. I wanted to save you some cash.

I talked to my printer and had hardball negotiations. I said, “My people work hard for their money, and I want them to have my much better good book for only $59.99. And they said, “Okay, President Trump. You drive a hard bargain and are the greatest businessman ever. But to get that extra low price, the customer must pay for the shipping and handling.” And I said that sounded fantastic.

So, if you act now, you can get my all-new, much better, improved Holy & Patriotic Trump Bible for only $59.99, plus a nominal $399 for shipping and handling. Grab your credit card and order yours today!!!

Because we’re going to make America pray again. Pray, or we will cast your bloody, bullet-ridden corpse to hell.

Order your Trump Bible NOW and save your soul while you save America. Trust me. (HE WINKS AND GIVES A THUMBS UP.)

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Read PD Scullin’s debut novel, “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a twisted, funny ride across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. The book is also available as an audiobook. Buckle up and go.

Donald J. Trump was beat but he’s not beaten.

“Joe Biden and the Democrat Party are a disaster,” the disgraced ex-president told a flock of his MAGA zombies in Ohio recently. “The election this November is all mine. I expect 100% of the vote, and I’m sure I’ll get it. If not, there will be a bloodbath. A bigly bloodbath, horrible carnage. And it will not be a very nice thing, I can tell you that.”

His goon squad cheered, holding their pitchforks and shaking lighted torches in the bright spring daylight.

“I was the greatest president ever,” the madman continued. “It’s not even close. Lincoln was crap. He was treated like a king compared to how they treat me. No one has suffered more than I have. Not even Jesus Christ. He had it easy. One and done, rise, go to heaven. But me? I get crucified daily. It’s hell. Not a very nice place. No one’s ever seen anything like it. But I take all their persecution for you. I suffer so you don’t have to.”

The crowd went wild, tearing effigies of presidents to shreds, stomping on their remains.

“Now they expect me to pay $464 million to a lying woman I don’t even know,” Trump whined. “And although I’m one of the richest people in the world, I want your support to show your dedication and appreciation for all I do for you. I need everyone here to sell all your possessions. Sell your home, your children, cars––EVERYTHING––and send the money to me so I can pay off this awful extortion. It is very unfair, what’s happening to me, but I will take their evil and unjust persecution to protect you. Why do I do it? Because I love you. I do. I really do. You can take that to the bank, trust me.”

His cult members began chanting, “Yes, we will give you all, mein messiah.”

Trump turned to an aide. “Can you believe this shit? It’s incredible what these rubes will buy.” He smiled.

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Read PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a twisted, funny ride across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. Also available in audiobook. Buckle up and go.

“Vote Trump 2024, and live,” he said, thrusting his fist into the air. “Now let’s recite the Pledge of Allegiance to Trump.”

Following her fatalistic response to President Joe Biden’s State of the Union Address, Alabama Republican Sen. Katie Britt became an instant global superstar. The reviews of her bombastic performance scaring Americans were breathless.

“A star is born,” raved GOP Starwatcher Magazine.

“Katie cooked Joe’s goose but good! Bravo, Queen of Doom and Gloom!!!” gushed MAGA Guns & Outrage Digest.

“My Bama Baby Katie is a very special person,” said disgraced ex-President Donald Trump. “I’m keeping an eye on her as a potential sister wife.”

Because of her instant celebrity, major product brands clamored to sign her as their spokesperson, and after intense negotiations, Sen. Britt decided to sign with The Coca-Cola Company.

“I’ve always cherished my Cokes,” Katie tells The Lint Screen. “I love that afterburn when I burp. It thrills me to no end!”

Here is a script of her first commercial for the Atlanta-based beverage brand.

KB: This is the kitchen table where my family and I have the tough conversations about what soda to drink. Like many Americans, we hold hands and pray for God’s guidance. And the Almighty told us there was really only one choice––genuine Coca-Cola products. He said that Pepsi, Mountain Dew, Dr. Pepper, and Shasta are Satan’s elixirs. Drinking those evil liquids will lead to eternal damnation in H-E-double hockey sticks. But enjoying refreshing, delicious Coca-Cola products guarantees safe passage through The Pearly Gates and a reserved seat at the right hand of God where His eternal banquet table serves flowing pitchers of ice-cold Diet Coke, Classic Coca-Cola, Coke Zero, or any of the other 4,214 flavor varieties. I can’t think of a happier reward. Do the right thing for your family and their souls––buy only Coca-Cola products for lip-smackin’ refreshments that last an eternity. (BURPS) Ahh, that’s the stuff.

Sen. Britt’s agent, Bobby Mercer Abbott, said the political star is also close to inking an endorsement deal with Adam & Eve Stores.

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Read PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a twisted, fun ride across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. Also available in audiobook. Buckle up and go.

Tonight’s State of the Union Address will star President Joe Biden, but a number of GOP radical fascists plan to play a supporting role.

“I’m ready for my close-up,” says Trump groupie Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene. “Biden is not going to rain on my parade. I’ll be the main attraction tonight–– like a pin-up calendar in a Midas Muffler shop.”

Greene and other GOP media whores are ready to shout and interrupt the President if they don’t like what he says.

“It’s my right as an American,” Greene says. “And I’m going to be a total asshole tonight because I believe I have the freedom to say whatever I want whenever I want. And when Donald Trump gets back in office, I’ll be able to bring my AR-15 to the State of the Union and blow away anyone who doesn’t applaud wildly for him and bow to his glory. Because that’s my freedom of speech!”

Greene is looking forward to the next Trump term.

“We are going to open camps,” she says. “Anyone who is not in MAGA Nation will either be deported or put into camps until they come to their senses. It is going to be glorious. People will either obey or die–– the way our founders intended. And anyone who is not a devout Christian will be killed, the way Jesus told us to treat the unfaithful. We will make America great again. And God help anyone who gets in our way! We are going to have freedom, or else!”

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Read PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a twisted, fun ride across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. Also available in audiobook. Buckle up and go.

Disgraced twice-impeached former President Donald Trump is working hard to expand his base of support from Black voters to more just Sen. Tim Scott.

“No one understands ‘The Blacks’ better than me,” Trump declared recently at The Black Conservative Federation. “I’ve done more for you people than Martin Luther King. He had marches, but I introduced sneakers, which I know you guys love. You love sneakers, don’t you? Trump sneakers are gold. Biden would never do that for you. Biden hates Blacks. He stole my election victory. Not a nice man, Biden. Nasty. Stole my election like a dog.”

Trump also made a case for his understanding of the Black population because he is in so much trouble with the law.

“The man is trying to bust me on 91 felony raps,” he told his audience. “Can you believe that? 91––that’s got to be some kind of record, right? So, I gave the camera a badass look for my mugshot. No other president has ever done a gangster move like that. Can you dig that, man?”

Trump attempted to moonwalk across the stage. He tripped, and three aides caught him and returned him to the podium.

“The Blacks love me,” Trump said. “The other day, an old Black man walked up to me. He said I was a much, much better president than Obama or Lincoln, and he had tears in his eyes. Sobbing like a baby. And I told him I wasn’t done freeing Blacks. I won’t be happy until we rewrite all the history books and stop making Blacks feel like victims for the little slavery misunderstanding. It was no big deal, slavery. Why dwell on the past? Get over it. The man thanked me, and we high-fived. How cool is that?”

The crowd appeared stunned, and Trump smiled. “I told my wife Melody the other night, ‘I get The Blacks.’ I get you, people––I really do. Everyone says so, even all my white nationalist friends.”

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Read PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a twisted, fun ride across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. Also available in audiobook. Buckle up and go.

Although propagandist Tucker Carlson was born in the United States of America, the entitled rich brat now spews a white-hot hatred for all things American.

The Lint Screen has obtained an unaired tape from the recent Carlson-Vladimir Putin interview at the Kremlin. A transcript of their fascinating conversation follows.

TC: President Putin, I really admire how strong and virile you appear to be. I have a poster of you riding shirtless on a horse in my bedroom. I love it so much, you look so dreamy. Those blue eyes! OMG!!! You are a magnificent specimen of manhood. Very impressive.

VP: Yes, yes, yes. Am not weak like your American president.

TC: I’ll bet you could bench press much, much more than Biden.

VP: (Smiling) Of course. I lift heavy weights often. Cars and buses also. Biden lifts phone, is exhausted. I am strongest man in world.

TC: I hate Joe Biden. Do you also hate him?

VP: Yes. He wants Russia to lose illegal war Ukraine started. Biden is evil. Ukraine is Russia, always has been. We must take our country back. They want to be Russians again. Perhaps GOP House Members will help us get Ukraine back.

TC: I’m sure they’re on your team a hundred percent.

VP: Yes. (Chuckles and steeples fingers.) GOP is helpful ally.

TC: I can’t help but comment that I find you very handsome. A strikingly good looking guy.

VP: Yes. All women love me. Men respect and love me also.

TC: I am incredibly impressed by you, President Putin. I’d love to see your naked body oiled and wrestling playfully. (Chuckles) Boy, would I ever love to see that!

VP: Are you homosexual?

TC: No. Absolutely not.

VP: Good, would have to kill you if you were homosexual. Do you have question?

TC: Why are groceries so much cheaper in Russia than in Biden’s pitiful and hateful America?

VP: I love my Russian citizens. Biden hates his people.

TC: Life in Russia is wonderful. I love it here. America is a hellhole. The economy is a disaster; Democrats drink baby blood and worship Satan, woke people indoctrinate our children and force them to have sex changes, cities are cesspools of crime––everyone gets murdered eventually, and liberals are burning bibles and rewriting history to try and make slavery look bad.

VP: America is over. Done. Dead.

TC: I agree. Only President Donald Trump can save America. That’s why Biden stole the election from him. He was jealous.

VP: I fear Trump very much. (Smiling) Trump is strong. He is very scary adversary. (Makes “jazz hands.”) He frightens me much. Trump is only hope for America. He is only one who can make America great again.

TC: Biden’s America is horrible. The worst. I hate it so much.

VP: Americans must vote Trump to save themselves. Otherwise, catastrophe.

TC: You are absolutely right, President Putin. You are so smart. Very brilliant.

VP: Is there question, Comrade Carlson?

TC: Would you let me put baby oil on your naked–

VP: No.

TC: (Pouts) Dammit.

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Read PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” take a twisted, fun ride across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. Also available in audiobook. Buckle up and go.