Disgraced twice-impeached, four times indicted, facing 91 felony charges, would-be coup leader ex-President Donald J. Trump has rallied his old crew for a unique fundraising effort: an album of classic patriotic songs and covers of popular Led Zeppelin tracks.
“It’s disgraceful what Joe Biden’s department of injustness has done,” Trump bellowed to The Lint Screen, “arresting over 1200 patriots and jailing close to 500 of them. All because they stood up for me against Biden stealing my election.” No wonder they stormed the Capitol and kicked some asses. Anyone who didn’t isn’t a true American.”
Trump shakes his head, then smiles.
“The good news is many of those prisoners have terrific voices. Fantastic pipes. They sing like songbirds. And they’re going to sing on my behalf to raise money for my next lifetime term in office.”
Trump will be leading the J6 choir in scorching renditions of popular patriotic songs and classic Led Zeppelin covers, produced by mixmaster Stephen Miller.
“We’re going to do all the favorites,” Trump says, smiling. “‘Yankee Doodle Dandy,’ ‘Kasmir,’ ‘God Bless America,’ ‘Stairway to Heaven,’ ‘America the Beautiful,’ ‘Rock and Roll,’ ‘This Land is Your Land,’ ‘Good Times, Bad Times,” and ‘Since I’ve Been Loving You.’ The one classic Zep we definitely won’t be doing is ‘The Immigrant Song.’ We want to keep all immigrants the hell out of America for good.”
Inmate #34512, in for assault and battery of a Capitol police officer, is excited to be involved with the project.
“Me and the boys love singing for the big man,” he says, fashioning a shiv from a pen. “And we’re hoping to tour when we get out.”
That will be soon if Trump makes his way to the Oval Office.
“I’ll spring my patriots on day one,” Trump says. “And I will empower them to enforce Trump justice with savage force because that’s what we’ve got to do to protect democracy so I can be America’s dictator for life.”
“We’re ready, boss,” Inmate #34512 says. “Put us in, coach. We’ll bust some caps on some asses for you.”
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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is Wilder than a Circus,” a twisted, fun ride across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. Also available in audiobook. Buckle up and go.