The man who attempted to overthrow a free and fair election is a true patriot––of Russia.

Disgraced twice-impeached, four times indicted, and convicted sexual abuser ex-President Donald J. Trump loves Mother Russia and its leader, President Vladimir Putin.

“My handsome overlord is very strong,” Trump tells The Lint Screen. “All Russians love President Putin because he is so tough. Chinese President Xi Jinping is also very strong. He’s very loved by his people. And my wonderful friend, Kim Jong Un, who wrote me such beautiful letters, is worshipped by Koreans in every direction––North, South, East, and Left Korea––they all love him.”

Because these are the leaders Trump adores and emulates, he will not help anyone fighting their totalitarian encroachments.

“Ukraine must stop fighting Russia,” Trump pleads. “And the United States needs to sit down and shut up. Why should we spend money helping anyone trying to harm Russia? I have four or five major properties planned in Moscow and St. Petersburg. And if Ukraine surrenders, I might even build a Trump Hotel in Kyiv. Who knows––if Zelensky plays his cards right, I may even get him a bellhop job. He could earn some nice tips.”

Trump vows that once he gets back in office, he will make sure all Americans love him as much as his heroes are loved by their people.

“MAGA Nation has always been a welcoming place,” Trump explains. “All you have to do is worship me, take my word as law by Pledging Allegiance to Trump daily, and do exactly as you’re told. If everyone plays along, there will be no problems. But God help anyone who thinks otherwise. Because I won’t tolerate rebels. I promise there will be extreme punishment, retribution, and hell to pay. I want to build the strongest democracy the world has ever seen, and I can only do that with total obedience.”

Senior Good Squad Official Stephen Miller goose-steps into the office.

“Mein Fuhrer,” he says, “The Arby’s Beef ‘n Cheddars, Curly Fries, and Jamocha Shakes have arrived for your snack before the J6 Choir recording.”

“Thanks, Stephen,” Trump says, smiling. “That’s how you play Trump ball,” he says to the reporter.

—————————————————————————-

Read PD Scullin’s debut novel, “SAWDUST: Love is Wilder than a Circus,” a twisted, funny ride across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. The book is also available as an audiobook. Buckle up and go.