Leave it to the Make America Great Again Trump-worshipping Republican Party to save our country from the brink of disaster.

The House of Representatives voted 214 to 213 to impeach Department of Homeland Security Secretary Alejandro Mayorkas yesterday after a failed attempt to do so last week.

“Americans can sleep soundly tonight,” said House Speaker Mike Johnson. “We have thrown the book at the worst person who has ever lived and safely secured the border. Now there will be no more illegal immigration of dangerous caravans of murderers, rapists, and atheists coming our way.”

“Mayorkos was muling illegals over the border,” Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene told The Lint Screen. “He was hiding tens of thousands of desperados and sneaking them across the border. This never would have happened if the commie Democrat Party hadn’t stopped President Trump’s wall from being built. But they stole the election from him, and now we have Joe Biden drinking children’s blood and killing puppies for fun.”

“Mayorkas is not a very nice person,” says disgraced ex-President Donald Trump facing 91 felony counts. “And Nancy Pelosi caused the insurrection on January 6. It wasn’t me. Trump wasn’t even in Washington on Jan 6. But I am coming back to save America. I will beat Obama, send a man to the moon, and lock up anyone who stands in my way. And I will embrace Putin––he’s such a great man–– because that’s how you protect democracy.”

Sleep tight, America, Big Daddy is coming to save us.

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Read PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a twisted, fun ride across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. Also available in audiobook. Buckle up and go.