Pity poor Donald J. Trump.
Not so long ago, he was the President of the United States of America. “I was the best president ever,” he claims. Now he is a disgraced twice-impeached, convicted sexual abuser, woman defamer, under criminal indictment in New York City over a hush-money case, and with ongoing criminal investigations in at least three other cases, ex-president.
“The entire E. Jean Carroll case was a sham,” Trump tells The Lint Screen. “How could I possibly be found guilty when they couldn’t find a jury of my peers? They got six Trump-hating guys and three Trump-despising ladies. How in the hell is that justice?”
A federal jury found Trump liable in a civil case for sexual abuse and defamation of E. Jean Carroll in 1996 and ruled he should pay her $5 million in total damages.
“I’m a star,” Trump claims. “You can’t have ordinary people deciding appropriate behavior for celebrities like me. Peasants and commoners don’t realize guys like me get a free pass on groping, clutching, and doing whatever we want because we know that’s what our fans crave. They want us to share our star power. We’re giving the people what they want––but are too afraid to ask for. This case was a joke. Another witch hunt.”
Trump explains the only way to find justice is with a trial by a jury of his peers.
“Stars like me are the only ones qualified to review my behavior and decide if it’s appropriate,” Trump says. “Men of impeccable character like Bill Cosby, Bill O’Reilly, Kevin Spacey, R Kelly, Prince Andrew, and Jeff Epstein––if he were alive. Those are the only people who could determine my guilt or innocence. Not some time card jerk from Staten Island, a lunch pail Charley from Queens, or Brooklyn Nancy in the secretarial pool.”
The ex-leader of the free world shakes his head in disgust.
“I can’t believe what’s happened to this country under Biden,” Trump whines. “There is no justice and never-ending Trump bashing because they know I’m the only one who knows how to make America great again. Wait until I get back in the office. There will be hell to pay, let me tell you.”
Read PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. Also available in audiobook. Click here for a fun ride. Buckle up and go.