On Wednesday morning, the switchboard operator at Fox News Network allowed an enraged, crazy old man to reach the hosts of Fox and Friends.

“Harris and Walz want to make Americans turn into communists,” disgraced ex-President felon Donald J. Trump shouted. “They want to boil everyone in oil, skin them, shove maggots in their mouths, and chop their limbs off with rusty saws. They’re going to kill all the pets too. These are not very nice people.”

Host Steve Doocy was shocked. “I had no idea they were so liberal.”

“Or cruel,” said Ainsley Earhardt. “What they’re planning is just awful.”

“I could never vote for them,” Brian Kilmeade. “I don’t want to be a communist. I like my limbs.”

“Then you’ve got to vote Trump,” the cranky old guy said. “I’m going to make America great again again, like I did the last time I was president, until they cheated me out of office.”

“What do you think of the Democrats’ apparent happiness and joy with the new ticket?” Doocy asked.

“They keep saying we’re weird and they’re happy, which is a lie,” the enraged man said, turning from orange to red. “When I was president, everyone was happy. Very happy. Everyone says so. I got love letters from that little Kim guy in Korea. Putin loved me. And everyone says I did a great job leading them through covid, people were very happy then. No one’s ever seen anything like it. So much happiness. Many people are saying covid was started by KamaBigdummyla. My new nickname for her is KamaBigdummyla. Do you like it? “

“It’s very clever,” Doocy says. “True genius. And stable.”

“I love it,” Kilmeade agrees. “Really rolls off the tongue.”

“Another winner, Mr. President,” Earhardt says. “Very catchy.”

“Have you been happy with your vice president pick, JD Vance, sir?” Doocy asks. “Some people wonder if––”

“He’s fantastic,” Trump says. “A real regular guy. Very down to earth, has all that hillybilly stuff. Pure white trash. And has rich friends. He loves me. So much love for me. He’ll be brave enough to do what Mike Pence was too chicken to do.“

“Are you feeling confident, Mr. President?” Kilmeade asks.

“Never been more confident,” the agitated nutball says. “Kama-what’s-her-name picked a real loser running mate. Tiny Tim Waltz. Such a stupid name, Waltz. No one dances waltzes anymore. He legalized heroin in Minnesota, forced women to get abortions, and many people wonder about all the time he spent with young kids. Underage kids. Talk about creepy. I’m going to mop the floor with those two losers.”

“Well, you probably have to go now,” Doocy says. “I’m sure you have a busy day on the campaign trail.”

“No, my tee time’s not for another two hours,” the grouchy senior says. “Let me tell how Joe Biden ruined America and the world…”

The hosts roll their eyes as the old dude works up another head of steam.

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Read PD Scullin’s debut novel, “SAWDUST: Love is Wilder than a Circus,” a twisted, funny ride across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. The book is also available as an audiobook. Buckle up and go.

Disgraced ex-President and current convicted felon Donald J. Trump appeared before a panel of reporters at the National Association of Black Journalists Conference in Chicago, and he made some startling claims.

“Is Kamala black?” Trump wondered. “She used to say she was Indian, but I doubt she could ride a horse or shoot a bow and arrow. Then, she suddenly declared she was black because she thought it would help her run against me. But is she really black? I don’t know because I don’t see race. Maybe she uses a lot of makeup.”

Trump shook his head in disgust.

“Me? I think you should just be who you are, and that’s why I am so authentic,” he said. “I say always tell the truth because, like it says in the Good Book, the truth shall get you free stuff. Or something like that. But Kamala can’t be trusted.”

He was just getting started. He crossed his arms and continued.

“Kamala, if that is her real name, she will say anything to get elected,” Trump blathered. “And she has no kids, so like my running mate J.D. Vance says, you know she’s a crazy cat lady. Probably smells like a litterbox. And I heard she hates the Jews, too. She’s a bad woman. And why does she have a name that’s so hard to pronounce? She won’t help the blacks or anybody.”

Trump also claimed he had done more “for the blacks” than Abraham Lincoln.

“Abe was a good guy,” Trump told the audience. “A very good guy who freed the blacks, but I did more because I’m friends with Tim Scott. He’s a black, black as the ace of spades, and we are friends. I love Tim––a very black man and a very good friend. But again, I don’t see race. Abe Lincoln? That’s all he saw was race. A bad president, Lincoln. Very overrated.”

Trump took great umbrage at some questions and stormed off the stage, pouting and stomping his feet.

“Where’s Hannity?” he asked aides. “I need a Hannity hug!”

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Read PD Scullin’s debut novel, “SAWDUST: Love is Wilder than a Circus,” a twisted, funny ride across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. The book is also available as an audiobook. Buckle up and go.

What a topsy-turvy time it’s been for GOP presidential candidate Donald J. Trump. He survived an assassination attempt, chose hillbilly Yale-educated tech bro JD Vance as his running mate, had a raucous Republican National Convention, and prepared to unleash MAGA forces on his behalf against 81-year-old President Joe Biden.

Then, everything changed. 

Biden announced he was stepping down from the ticket and endorsed VP Kamala Harris. The Democratic Party rallied around her, and now the race could be a generational battle between the 78-year-old Trump and the 59-year-old Harris.

Then everything changed again. Trump tells The Lint Screen he is now officially 53 years old.

“My birth certificate was lost,” he says, “but Melania found it in an old box. According to my birth records, I was born in 1971. So I’m six years younger than Harris, who is way over the hill. She’s completely out of it. I know you’re supposed to be kind to your elders, but I intend to beat her like a drum in the 2024 race.”

Rep. Ronny Jackson, a doctor, confirms the validity of the birth certificate.

“I can say it’s 100% authentic,” Jackson says. “And in my medical opinion, President Trump is in exceptional health for a 53-year-old man. I feel sorry for Kamala Harris because he will run circles around her.”

“Too bad old Joe ran away,” Trump brags. “He knew I would win in a landslide again, just like in 2020 when Biden stole the election from me. Now, I’m going to take it out on Harris. She’s not like us. We can’t have her in the presidency. She should be home cooking and cleaning for her husband.”

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Read PD Scullin’s debut novel, “SAWDUST: Love is Wilder than a Circus,” a twisted, funny ride across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. The book is also available as an audiobook. Buckle up and go.

J.D. Vance may one day be a heartbeat away from replacing the man he once described as “America’s Hitler.”

Vance, another Ivy League-educated d-bag, was recently selected by disgraced twice-impeached ex-President and felon Donald J. Trump as his running mate in the 2024 race.

The spineless V.P. choice groveled to gain the approval of his declared “lord and master, savior of the world” Trump.

“There’s a simple explanation for my previous critical statements of America’s greatest President ever,” Vance tells The Lint Screen. “Satan possessed me. The dark one had me speaking with a forked tongue, saying awful things about the man he fears most––Donald Trump!”

Vance now claims he is engaged with Trump “in a holy battle for America’s soul. We are the only ones who save us!”

“He was sent here by God,” Vance claims. “Trump is our savior. A man of virtuous words, the highest morals, and spotless character. Everyone knows he is the greatest president of all time. Case closed!” 

His views today are quite a turnaround from the man who once wrote, “Trump is cultural heroin. He makes some feel better for a bit. But he cannot fix what ails them, and one day they’ll realize it.”

Among his other greatest hits is Vance’s previous reference to his new master as “unfit” and his policies as “immoral to absurd.” 

“The devil moved my hand,” Vance swears. “Satan is pure evil, and the dark one fears Trump because he is the only righteous warrior who can battle to save our country.”

Like Trump, Vance suckles at the bank accounts of billionaires looking to get richer if the puppets get into office. Russia’s President Vladimir Putin heartily endorses the Trump/Vance ticket.

“These are great men,” Putin says. “They will always do the right thing. I have total faith in that.” He giggles, then strangles a puppy.

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Read PD Scullin’s debut novel, “SAWDUST: Love is Wilder than a Circus,” a twisted, funny ride across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. The book is also available as an audiobook. Buckle up and go.

Disgraced felon/sexual assailant twice-impeached ex-President Donald J. Trump denies knowing anything about the 887-page blueprint for his second term, even though his Super PAC is running ads calling it “Trump’s Project 2025.”

“I don’t know anything about it,” Trump tells The Lint Screen. “Never heard of Trump’s Project 2025, but if people say they don’t like it, then I think it’s not a very good thing, and when I get back in office, I’ll do something about it. Whatever the hell it is.”

Trump’s Project 2025 is from those wonderful folks at The Heritage Foundation, who brought you the six extreme right-wing cuckoo Supreme Court Justices who are shredding the Constitution and recently gave the president immunity from committing crimes in office “if it’s in the line of duty.”

“It was a perfect ruling,” Trump says. “I’ll jail the Biden family and all my enemies. So many enemies. My list is long, but they must go if I’m going to make America great again.”

His Project 2025 details plans to disassemble the government by replacing 50,000 civil servants with loyal Trump stooges and jock sniffers. 81% of the authors of the Christian Nationalism fascist plan worked in the first Trump administration.

Some of the Plan’s highlights include giving tax breaks to the wealthy, guns in classrooms, gutting abortion access and LGBTQ+ rights, tracking abortion seekers, ending environmental programs designed to combat climate change, eliminating the Dept. of Education, putting the Department of Justice and the FBI under the president’s command, eliminating the government agency responsible for weather reports, ending overtime pay protection and healthcare protections for those with pre-existing conditions, undoing Biden’s $35 insulin, and banning pornography, to name a just few.

“I’ve never seen pornography,” Trump says. “Have no idea what pornography is. And I never slept with a porn star. I swear on my recently published excellent Bible that I will make every citizen buy. Listen, if you can’t trust me, who can you trust?”

The honest man smiles, shrugs, and gives two thumbs up.

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Read PD Scullin’s debut novel, “SAWDUST: Love is Wilder than a Circus,” a twisted, funny ride across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. The book is also available as an audiobook. Buckle up and go.

The Roberts Court has finished its business of dismantling democracy and enabling corporations to do as they like. Chief Justice Roberts has given all his robed pals the summer off. And conservative Justices Thomas, Alito, Gorsuch, Coney Barrett, and Kavanaugh will join Roberts on an all-expenses-paid trip worldwide.

“I can’t wait,” said Justice Brett Kavanaugh. “I want to do a keg stand in every country the private jet touches down! I also want to get handsy with the local talent.”

The itinerary for the six conservative judges includes visits to 18 countries on a private jet, staying in ultra-luxury accommodations, enjoying gourmet food and expensive drinks, and a per diem of $10,000 per Justice.

“It’s going to be a blast,” predicts Justice Amy Cohen Barrett. “I knew the law paid well, but good golly, I had no idea the perks were this fantastic.

“We had a very productive session,” Roberts tells The Lint Screen. “We ran roughshod over democracy and set the stage for even more dark money in politics, instituted regulations over personal freedoms we don’t like, restricted voting, put the pieces in place for the integration of a white Christian national government, and set the stage for Trump to do whatever he wants in the Oval Office. I’d call that a resounding success!”

“We came to do what we were paid to do,” said Justice Clarence Thomas. “And I’m proud to say, Harlan Crow, Misters Mellon, Uihlein, Koch, Griffin, and other mega-donors got their money’s worth. We delivered for them. Now, I can enjoy the summer with my wife, Ginni, who tells me some substantial deposits have been made into our investment accounts. Yee-ha!”

“I am a little upset at our performance,” said Justice Samuel Alito. “I would have liked to ban contraception and get even more control over women’s bodies, make devout Catholic worship mandatory, and ban any votes that do not support conservative causes. But I guess it takes time to dismantle democracy. In the meantime, Martha-Ann will fly the flags of just causes.”

“All good things take time, buddy,” Justice Neil Gorsuch said, patting Alito on his back. “Democracy’s had a couple hundred years running start. We can’t get our fascist state overnight.”

“No. But we’re working on it!” Roberts says as the six Justices laugh.

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Read PD Scullin’s debut novel, “SAWDUST: Love is Wilder than a Circus,” a twisted, funny ride across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. The book is also available as an audiobook. Buckle up and go.