J. Edgar Hoover broke a world record today when his dead body was clocked spinning at 43,000 RPM. This will be Hoover’s second entry into the record books. His first was being named Best Dressed Head of An Intelligence Agency. The portrait of J. Edgar in a sheer black gown is breathtaking.

Hoover was spinning in his grave when he heard Christopher Wray announce he was leaving his post as FBI Director before Donald Trump assumes office.

“My departure has nothing to do with fearing ‘payback’ from President Trump,” Wray says with jazz hands. “I’m leaving because I have a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.” He darts a glance over his shoulder. “Plus, I’m a very brave man.”

Wray tells The Lint Screen he was enticed to leave his position by “a unique opportunity falling into my lap.” The top cop explains.

“Jerry Stunkirk, the President of our Home Owners Association, approached me recently after Jell-o Salad Club and asked if I might be interested in being the head of the neighborhood watch. I dropped my cup of fruit punch, smacked my forehead, and said, ‘You betcha, I’d love being head of the neighborhood watch!’ I’ve been on Cloud 9 since then.”

When asked about any fears he might have of Trumping seeking revenge, Wray was cool.

“Oh, no,” the FBI Director says. “Donald Trump is an honorable man. A great man. And I don’t know what the heck I was thinking when I authorized a raid of his personal home. That was foolish of me. Cripes, I committed the crime, not him! Duh, what a bonehead I am, right?”

Wray squirms. “I regret any investigations the FBI made into Trump’s affairs because the deep state was terribly mistaken. And probably politically motivated. All cases must be dropped, and the records must be destroyed. It is the only way to handle these matters of gross and blatant injustice. Donald Trump is always innocent of any wrongdoing. ALWAYS!”

He sits upright and wags his finger. “And all you kids who live in my neighborhood, you better watch yourselves,” he grins. “Because I’ll be watching you.” The silly man giggles.

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel, “SAWDUST: Love is Wilder than a Circus,” a twisted, funny ride across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. The book is also available as an audiobook. Buckle up and go.

Autocrat-elect Donald J. Trump has carefully selected The A-Team for his upcoming Cabinet, and while many are controversial (bye-bye Matt Gaetz), others are downright scary.

Like Kash Patel, Trump’s pick to head The Federal Bureau of Investigation.

Patel has been a raging lunatic on the subject of “the malevolent Deep State that’s everywhere–– hiding in more places than you can possibly imagine––including your Q-Tips, shoelaces, and toothpaste!” But as the head of the FBI, Patel promises to use the immense power of the Fibbies for purposes of good as opposed to evil.

The smarmy lickspittle has written a trilogy of children’s books about the wicked plot Trump’s enemies have conspired to overthrow “King Donald.”

“I will right the many wrongs of political opponents,” Patel vows. “Hillary, the Biden Crime Family, and Comma-la-la-la must all be destroyed. And all opponents to the MAGA cause must be silenced. Imprisoned, tortured, or much worse. Dissenting voices must be silenced to protect free speech. And I will see that it happens. I am a true patriot and will proudly serve God’s gift to mankind.”

Patel firmly believes all Americans must “bend their knees” and kiss King Donald’s ring.

“Every citizen must pledge allegiance to the King,” Patel says. “There is no other way to protect the sanctity of our democracy and the rule of law. I will use all the resources of the Deep State to ensure a safe and peaceful environment for King Donald to rule his glorious kingdom. It’s what our forefathers would want. And it’s what our Supreme Court will demand.”

The bug-eyed loonie blinks rapidly and grins. “King Donald’s will must be done. And I shall do it. Gladly. I’m on a mission from God.”

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel, “SAWDUST: Love is Wilder than a Circus,” a twisted, funny ride across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. The book is also available as an audiobook. Buckle up and go.

RFK Jr. was recently served a heapin’ helpin’ of humble pie by his ruthless master, autocrat-elect Donald J. Trump.

Trump has nominated Robert F. Kennedy Jr. as the incoming Secretary of Health and Human Services. Shortly after making the announcement, RFK trashed the ex-president’s eating habits.

“President Trump eats crap nonstop,” Kennedy said. “His diet is horrible. I think I can get him to eat healthier. Maybe some tofu, organic lettuce, and a side of bear cub.”

When Trump heard about what Kennedy said, he replied, “We’ll see about that.”

The pack of sycophants surrounding Trump egged him on.

“Break him, Pops!” said firstborn son Don Jr. “Destroy him good!”

“I love everything you say and do, sir,” Mike Johnson said. “I love you more than God. More than my wife and kids!”

“Make that sanctimonious bastard squirm,” Elon Musk cheered. “Teach him what happens to opposing views. Obedience is critical. He must be severely punished.”

With the support of his bootlicking cheerleader squad, Trump ordered bags of McDonald’s food brought to his plane and served.

“I used to work at McDonald’s,” Trump bragged. “I worked like a dog. I can’t have anyone trashing Mickey Dee’s.”

RFK Jr. looked apprehensive about eating chicken nuggets and fries and drinking a Coke.

“Could I please get a small salad with a brain worm instead?” he asked timidly.

“No!” Trump barked. “Eat your damn food, maggot! Or I’ll eat your lunch.”

“Yes, Master.” The anti-vaxxer said, apprehensively taking a small bite of a chicken nugget and chewing. “Oh my God,” he said. “That’s so incredible.” He scarfed down all the nuggets, washed them down with half a bottle of Coke, and emptied fries into his gaping mouth.

“Slow down,” Don Jr. said.

“No. Must have more!” RFK Jr. then proceeded to eat everyone’s meal except Donald Trump’s food. He had told the Secret Service to shoot Kennedy if he dared to touch his meal. “Yum-yum,” RFK Jr. said. “Let’s get some D.Q. for dessert!”

“No dessert, Bobby––not until you eat your KFC,” Trump said as buckets of greasy fried chicken were delivered.

“Um-um,” the Kennedy outcast said. “Eat ’em up! Me love grease!”

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel, “SAWDUST: Love is Wilder than a Circus,” a twisted, funny ride across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. The book is also available as an audiobook. Buckle up and go.

A slight majority of Americans have spoken: they want the thrill ride of an unpredictable, unstable, narcissistic leader at the wheel of democracy because he promised a brighter future and a cabinet filled with “the very best people.”

President-Elect Donald J. Trump, a convicted felon, announced that he is selecting gonzo Rep. Matt Gaetz (FL) for his Attorney General.

Gaetz has been under a House Ethics investigation into his alleged sex trafficking of a 17-year-old high school girl. Gaetz’s sleazy buddy got busted for sex trafficking minors and is currently serving 11 years of hard time in a Federal prison.

The Lint Screen went to a Florida high school to learn what teen girls think of Mr. Gaetz.

“The guy’s a total chueg,” says Brittany S. “Gaetz got like zero rizz.”

“He’s always hanging around here,” Tiffany B. reports. “He scores negative auro points. And that hair? Like, really?“

“Beige, basic, cringe” is how Crystal M. describes the Florida man. “Gaetz is sus. No one’s DTF, Grandpa.”

“That plastic man is Delulu,” Amber G. declares. “We all ghosted him.”

Rhonda D. had the last word. “Gaetz’s ick factor is off the charts. KYS.”

Despite what the girls think, Gaetz has appreciated talents with his two lips placed on Trump’s ample behind. Perhaps the Florida nutcase will find more fans in The Capitol Building.

Brace yourself, America; you’re in for a wild ride. And remember, you asked for this.

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel, “SAWDUST: Love is Wilder than a Circus,” a twisted, funny ride across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. The book is also available as an audiobook. Buckle up and go.

Donald J. Trump loves women.

“Oh, how I love them, ladies,” the GOP presidential candidate tells The Lint Screen. “I love them so much I want to protect them all the time. I give them so much protection. The best protection. And if they resist, I’ll threaten to shoot them in a firing squad. That’s how serious I am about protecting America’s women.”

The senile old man likes to cosplay, and his new character is pretending to be a tough guy protector.

“Women love me,” he says. “They let me do whatever I want. That’s why I’m the father of IVF. Or is it UHF? VHF? Something with an ‘F.’ I’m going to protect women whether they want me to or not, and I’ll be making all their health decisions so they don’t have to worry their pretty little heads about it.”

Melania Trump was asked about her husband’s ability to protect women.

“Who?” she responded. “Oh, yeah. Him. Donald. My ‘husband.’” She pauses as an aide rushes in and whispers in her ear. “Sure. Why not? I guess so.” The aide whispers again. “Donald is a very good protector of women.”

Will women buy Trump protection service at the ballot box? Stay tuned.

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel, “SAWDUST: Love is Wilder than a Circus,” a twisted, funny ride across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. The book is also available as an audiobook. Buckle up and go.

Donald J. Trump is dead serious about solving America’s immigration crisis.

The brilliant political mastermind held a sheetless KKK rally yesterday in Madison Square Garden to show support for his 2024 presidential run, but it was a sly ruse. The event was a cleverly disguised sting operation designed to capture dangerous immigrants.

“This was a major production,” spokesman/goon squad leader Stephen Miller told The Lint Screen. “We packed MSG with 19,500 MAGA people. To the untrained eye, it appeared to be a political rally, but it was a honey trap operation to flush out foreigners.”

Donald Trump was thrilled after the show.

“We caught a woman named Melania born in Slovenia,” he said. “She is not so nice. She wrote a book that my readers said did not praise me enough. So I am having Stephen deport her.”

Miller gets excited. “Tell them about the big fish we caught!”

Trump glares at the creepy dweeb. “Shut up. We also caught a rich guy named Elon or Leon Musk from Africa. And he’s really rich, so I am freezing his assets, seizing his patents, and folding his businesses into The Trump Organization. We’re deporting him back to his homeland. America can’t be the world’s garbage can for these trashy immigrants ruining our country.”

A Trump advisor approaches his boss and gives him bad news.

“There are some ethnic groups we failed to insult tonight,” he said.

Trump becomes livid. “Then organize another rally, goddamit,” he shouts. “I’m dealing with idiots!” He grabs Miller by the collar. “And write me some more hate speech––the election’s only a week away!”

Miller scrambles away like a frightened spider.

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel, “SAWDUST: Love is Wilder than a Circus,” a twisted, funny ride across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. The book is also available as an audiobook. Buckle up and go.