President Pedo-Perv Donald J. Trump is fed up with hearing questions about his relationship with his best friend, pedophile Jeffrey Epstein.

“I never met Epstein,” Trump tells The Lint Screen. “Some people say he was not such a nice guy. There are many conspiracy theories about him. I never repeat a conspiracy theory because it’s just rumors. I only deal in cold, hard facts. Why aren’t you asking me about the incredible job I’m doing? I’ve cut inflation by 1,000 percent, lowered gas prices to a nickel a gallon, and slashed drug prices 5,000 percent. No one’s ever seen these kinds of numbers. People have never had so much money.”

Trump recently told his Justice Department to release Ghislaine Maxwell from a Florida prison where she was serving 20 years for sex trafficking underage girls for Epstein. The self-described “law-abiding, very honest” president wants her moved into a luxurious penthouse on Fifth Avenue in Manhattan.

“On the campaign trail, I promised the death penalty for sex traffickers,” Trump says. “But what’s happened to Ghislaine is criminal. Everyone makes mistakes. So what if she trafficked hundreds of underage girls? She served time in prison, a very bad place, and was persecuted, like me, very unfairly. To make up for the injustice she has suffered, I’ve instructed Attorney General Pam Bondi to purchase a luxurious penthouse on Fifth Avenue to help her recover from the awful situation she has endured. It’s the right thing to do.”

The shifty orange conman is asked if the penthouse was quid pro quo for not revealing Trump’s name being plastered throughout the Epstein files as a client and deviant.

“Absolutely not,” he barks angrily. “Obama, Comey, and sleepy Joe Biden are trying to pin their hoax on me. I don’t know this–– what’s his name again? Epsplean, Eggstein, Epstream––whatever, I never met him. And I don’t know Ghislaine Maxwell either. But many people say she’s very good with children.”

Trump ables away nervously.

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel, “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

Emporor Donald J. Trump is angry. While he has been busy building a personal army and waging an inept tariff war, many people are bellyaching about “Epstein.” The orange man is fed up.

“I keep hearing talk about Epstein, Epstein, Epstein,” Trump tells The Lint Screen. “That’s all anyone asks me about. I don’t get it. Brian Epstein died back in the 60s, and The Beatles continued being successful. So why’s everyone got their panties in a knot?”

Trump shrugs.

“I also don’t get the population of The Beatles,” he continues. “They’re highly overrated in my opinion. Not such a good band. Did they ever write anything that compares with Y.M.C.A.? Hell, no. You can’t dance to I Am the Walrus.“

This reporter explains he thinks that the Epstein people are talking about is Jeffrey Epstein, the convicted pedophile and sex trafficker who allegedly committed suicide in his New York prison cell, despite a highly doctored video used as evidence proving no one entered to kill him. Epstein reportedly had a list of clients who shared his lust for underage girls and kinky sex.

“Jeffrey Epstein?” Trump asks. “Never heard of the guy.” Trump pauses and looks to the ceiling. “Epstein, Jeffrey Epstein.” Trump looks at this reporter. “No. The name doesn’t ring a bell. Was he a band manager? Did he handle The Archies?”

When this reporter asks Trump if he is on Epstein’s client list, the Emperor clicks his finger and an army of ICE agents confiscates the journalist and disappears him to a gulag in a foreign country.

“Anyone else have any questions?” Trump shouts.

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel, “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

Amazon billionaire Jeff Bezos purchased Venice, Italy, for the weekend, and staged his grand wedding to Lauren Sanchez on Friday. The bride immediately began making demands of her new husband.

“He needs to up his game significantly,” the new Mrs. Bezos tells The Lint Screen. “I’ve spent a fortune on these lips, my cheekbones, breasts, butt, everything. I have more plastic than a Hasbro toy to make myself beautiful, and all he’s done is taken some ‘roids and lift weights.”

Lauren expects more from her husband.

“I always dreamed of marrying the 30-year-old Brad Pitt,” she says. “And I know Jeffy can transform himself into that hunk. I want Jeff to get Brad’s handsome face, the fluffy, thick hair, the tight bod–the whole package. I think it’s the least he can do for me.”

“Lauren’s nuts if she thinks I’m changing myself for her,” Jeff says. “I’m one of the richest people in the world. If she keeps nagging me, I’ll take her to the nearest Whole Foods and return her to Amazon. Then she’ll find her fake butt planted back in a seat at Fox News.”

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel, “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

Using the latest AI technology, The Lint Screen was able to eavesdrop on the thoughts of President Donald J. Trump as he viewed his combination birthday-military parade on Saturday. Here is a sampling of what was happening in the mind of the “stable genius.”

Look at that–a tank! I used to have a tank toy when I was a kid. It was a good tank. The best tank. Tanks can go BANG-BANG. I need to send tanks to Los Angeles and teach those radical liberal lunatics a lesson.

Maybe send tanks and bombers to get Elon––the ungrateful bastard. I made him.

Why don’t the soldiers march in perfect formation? In China, Russia, and North Korea, the soldiers march in perfect lines. It’s like watching the Rockettes in uniforms. Hell, even the French know how to march. I need to chew Hegseth’s ass for this treasonous act.

The American flag’s too busy. All those stars and stripes– that’s not classy. We need a gold flag with my face on it and the word TRUMP! That will tell the world America is great again. I’ll tell Stephen Miller to make it happen. I’ll give him a rat treat. He loves those. The guy will do anything for a disgusting rat.

Is Little Marco yawning? He’s ruining the parade. I’ll kick his scrawy ass. He’s embarrassing me.

I’m the most powerful man in the world. I can do a lot better than Melania. She’s getting a little rough around the edges. She won’t get the plastic surgery I want. She’s a traitor. Not such a nice lady. Maybe I’ll trade her in on a newer model.

Where are all my fans? I got elected in the largest landslide ever. There must be a big traffic jam. Or maybe everyone died. There must be some reason there aren’t more people here. Did the Democrats set up roadblocks? Something’s wrong.

This parade is low energy. (SIGH) Maybe I’ll launch some nukes. That’d be a good show. It’d get big ratings. The best ratings ever!

I am God.

No, I’m better than God.

Why didn’t my parents hug me once in a while?

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel, “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

Georgia Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene is angry about President Trump’s “Big, Beautiful Bill” that she recently approved.

“The Bill has some things in it I don’t like,” Greene tells The Lint Screen. “They tell me A-1 companies can’t be regulated for ten years. But what if A-1 Steak Sauce has poison in it? They should be held accountable.”

An aide explains to the ignorant Representative that this Bill protects “A.I. companies, which is an abbreviation for Artificial Intelligence.”

“Well, how in the hell is anyone supposed to know that?” Greene snaps. “I don’t like that either. We shouldn’t have artificial anything, especially brains. That’s the thinking part of the body, isn’t it? Brains should be natural.”

Greene is upset because none of her Republican friends would read the Big, Beautiful Bill to her.

“They know I’m not a reader,” she admits. “I don’t know how to do fancy things like that. My head isn’t good with words or numbers. I never learned your so-called ‘reading’ and I’ve done just fine, thank you very much. I keep getting elected, no problem.”

Her aide whispers that if she continues to criticize the Big, Beautiful Bill publicly, President Trump will be upset with her.

“Then forget everything I said.” She crosses her arms. “And call a lobbyist to take me to Del Frisco’s so I can get a ribeye with some of that tasty A-1 Sauce, before they put poison in it.”

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel, “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

Thank goodness Donald J. Trump was re-elected President of the United States of America. Otherwise, all U.S. citizens would be dead.

Trump recently wrote on his ironically-named Truth Social account that Joe Biden “was executed” in 2020 and replaced with a robot clone.

“It was a horrible plan to destroy our country,” Trump tells The Lint Screen. “The robot worked to steal the 2020 election from me. Everyone knows I won in a tremendous landslide. No one’s ever seen such a huge victory, but the Biden robot changed all the numbers. And once the robot rigged the election, old Joe was put down, and they pulled the switcheroo. No wonder so many patriots stormed the Capitol. They were the victims–cheated by technology. Everyone in the January 6 riot was a hero!”

The human president shakes his head in disbelief.

“The Biden robot had many dangerous glitches,” he says. “That’s why Biden acted so crazy all the time. The thing believed in fantasies like NATO being a force of good, and even supported Ukraine starting its war with Russia. The Biden robot was on the fritz. It had gone crazy, and it was just a matter of time before it destroyed America and killed all of us!”

Senior toady Stephen Miller rushes into the Oval Office with a rat in his mouth and lays it at Trump’s feet. He looks up at the President and grins proudly.

“Goddammit, Miller,” Trump says, “get that dirty thing out of here!”

“But it’s a present, Master,” Miller says. “A gift for being America’s greatest president.“

“Not now, you idiot. Take it back and get the hell out of here.”

Miller bends over, clamps his jaws around the rat, and Trump kicks his stooge in the butt. Rat man scrambles away.

“Thank God I’m in charge now,” Trump says. “Only I could save us from the madness and danger that robot Biden posed to making America Great Again.”

———————————————————————————————-
Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel, “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.