Amazon billionaire Jeff Bezos purchased Venice, Italy, for the weekend, and staged his grand wedding to Lauren Sanchez on Friday. The bride immediately began making demands of her new husband.

“He needs to up his game significantly,” the new Mrs. Bezos tells The Lint Screen. “I’ve spent a fortune on these lips, my cheekbones, breasts, butt, everything. I have more plastic than a Hasbro toy to make myself beautiful, and all he’s done is taken some ‘roids and lift weights.”

Lauren expects more from her husband.

“I always dreamed of marrying the 30-year-old Brad Pitt,” she says. “And I know Jeffy can transform himself into that hunk. I want Jeff to get Brad’s handsome face, the fluffy, thick hair, the tight bod–the whole package. I think it’s the least he can do for me.”

“Lauren’s nuts if she thinks I’m changing myself for her,” Jeff says. “I’m one of the richest people in the world. If she keeps nagging me, I’ll take her to the nearest Whole Foods and return her to Amazon. Then she’ll find her fake butt planted back in a seat at Fox News.”

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel, “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

Using the latest AI technology, The Lint Screen was able to eavesdrop on the thoughts of President Donald J. Trump as he viewed his combination birthday-military parade on Saturday. Here is a sampling of what was happening in the mind of the “stable genius.”

Look at that–a tank! I used to have a tank toy when I was a kid. It was a good tank. The best tank. Tanks can go BANG-BANG. I need to send tanks to Los Angeles and teach those radical liberal lunatics a lesson.

Maybe send tanks and bombers to get Elon––the ungrateful bastard. I made him.

Why don’t the soldiers march in perfect formation? In China, Russia, and North Korea, the soldiers march in perfect lines. It’s like watching the Rockettes in uniforms. Hell, even the French know how to march. I need to chew Hegseth’s ass for this treasonous act.

The American flag’s too busy. All those stars and stripes– that’s not classy. We need a gold flag with my face on it and the word TRUMP! That will tell the world America is great again. I’ll tell Stephen Miller to make it happen. I’ll give him a rat treat. He loves those. The guy will do anything for a disgusting rat.

Is Little Marco yawning? He’s ruining the parade. I’ll kick his scrawy ass. He’s embarrassing me.

I’m the most powerful man in the world. I can do a lot better than Melania. She’s getting a little rough around the edges. She won’t get the plastic surgery I want. She’s a traitor. Not such a nice lady. Maybe I’ll trade her in on a newer model.

Where are all my fans? I got elected in the largest landslide ever. There must be a big traffic jam. Or maybe everyone died. There must be some reason there aren’t more people here. Did the Democrats set up roadblocks? Something’s wrong.

This parade is low energy. (SIGH) Maybe I’ll launch some nukes. That’d be a good show. It’d get big ratings. The best ratings ever!

I am God.

No, I’m better than God.

Why didn’t my parents hug me once in a while?

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel, “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

Georgia Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene is angry about President Trump’s “Big, Beautiful Bill” that she recently approved.

“The Bill has some things in it I don’t like,” Greene tells The Lint Screen. “They tell me A-1 companies can’t be regulated for ten years. But what if A-1 Steak Sauce has poison in it? They should be held accountable.”

An aide explains to the ignorant Representative that this Bill protects “A.I. companies, which is an abbreviation for Artificial Intelligence.”

“Well, how in the hell is anyone supposed to know that?” Greene snaps. “I don’t like that either. We shouldn’t have artificial anything, especially brains. That’s the thinking part of the body, isn’t it? Brains should be natural.”

Greene is upset because none of her Republican friends would read the Big, Beautiful Bill to her.

“They know I’m not a reader,” she admits. “I don’t know how to do fancy things like that. My head isn’t good with words or numbers. I never learned your so-called ‘reading’ and I’ve done just fine, thank you very much. I keep getting elected, no problem.”

Her aide whispers that if she continues to criticize the Big, Beautiful Bill publicly, President Trump will be upset with her.

“Then forget everything I said.” She crosses her arms. “And call a lobbyist to take me to Del Frisco’s so I can get a ribeye with some of that tasty A-1 Sauce, before they put poison in it.”

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel, “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

Thank goodness Donald J. Trump was re-elected President of the United States of America. Otherwise, all U.S. citizens would be dead.

Trump recently wrote on his ironically-named Truth Social account that Joe Biden “was executed” in 2020 and replaced with a robot clone.

“It was a horrible plan to destroy our country,” Trump tells The Lint Screen. “The robot worked to steal the 2020 election from me. Everyone knows I won in a tremendous landslide. No one’s ever seen such a huge victory, but the Biden robot changed all the numbers. And once the robot rigged the election, old Joe was put down, and they pulled the switcheroo. No wonder so many patriots stormed the Capitol. They were the victims–cheated by technology. Everyone in the January 6 riot was a hero!”

The human president shakes his head in disbelief.

“The Biden robot had many dangerous glitches,” he says. “That’s why Biden acted so crazy all the time. The thing believed in fantasies like NATO being a force of good, and even supported Ukraine starting its war with Russia. The Biden robot was on the fritz. It had gone crazy, and it was just a matter of time before it destroyed America and killed all of us!”

Senior toady Stephen Miller rushes into the Oval Office with a rat in his mouth and lays it at Trump’s feet. He looks up at the President and grins proudly.

“Goddammit, Miller,” Trump says, “get that dirty thing out of here!”

“But it’s a present, Master,” Miller says. “A gift for being America’s greatest president.“

“Not now, you idiot. Take it back and get the hell out of here.”

Miller bends over, clamps his jaws around the rat, and Trump kicks his stooge in the butt. Rat man scrambles away.

“Thank God I’m in charge now,” Trump says. “Only I could save us from the madness and danger that robot Biden posed to making America Great Again.”

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel, “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

Convicted Felon twice-impeached President Donald J. Trump isn’t doing anything for the American economy except cratering it, but he’s enriching himself immensely.

“I got a $400 million plane from Qatar,” Trump brags to The Lint Screen, “but I don’t want people to think you have to be a foreigner to bribe me. I accept dirty money from anywhere. In fact, I prefer shaking down Americans because I’m patriotic, but I don’t care if you’re white, black, brown, or yellow, if you’ve got the green, you can play. When it comes to crime, I support DEI.”

To make matters simple, Trump has recently published a “special favors” bribery rate card.

“If you’ve got a conviction, or someone you know is locked up, a million bucks buys you an instant presidential pardon,” Trump says. “If you were a vocal Trump supporter in the past, I’ll even give you a 0.25% discount. And if you’re frequently getting busted, Trump offers a Frequent Pardoners Club– you’ll earn one free pardon after purchasing your first ten.”

But let’s say you’re a shady figure who does pure evil and wants to remain anonymous, you can make “special requests” to the President via his $Trump coin.

“Crypto’s the best scam going,” Trump says. “You buy it, and no one knows anything about it except you, me, and a Swiss banker–– and he ain’t talking, trust me. Call and tell me what you want, and I’ll give you an instant quote. Buy your $Trump coin, and your wish magically comes true. I’m like a genie in the bottle who can grant your every wish.”

Trump smiles broadly. “No one’s ever seen grifting like this before. Only Trump could do anything like this and get away with it. I’m absolutely the greatest huckster ever. And if anyone tries to bust me, I’ll pardon myself.”

“That’s right, boss,” Speaker of the House pious Mike Johnson says. “May I kneel before you?”

“You’re the best, master,” V.P. J.D. Vance says. “And I love you more every day and want to kiss your soft lips.”

“Scram you two,” Trump yells. “You guys are creeping me out.”

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel, “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

Speaker of the House Mike Johnson “got naughty” with himself and regrets it greatly.

Jack Johnson’s iPhone 16 buzzed wildly as he self-flagellated with a cat o’ nine tales in his bedroom, part of his daily worship ritual.

When the young man looked at his phone, he felt a tightening in the pit of his stomach.

“It confirmed what I feared most,” Jack tells The Lint Screen. “It was my Covenant Eyes app alerting me that my father was on a website with illicit women doing sinful acts of bodily pleasure.” The son bows his head in disgrace. “It was my worst nightmare.”

Jack is the “accountability partner” for his father, Speaker of the House Mike Johnson. The app alerts the designated person if their accountability partner is on pornographic websites.

“Yes, it was true,” Mike Johnson confesses. “I went to the website christianhotties.com and pleasured myself.” The bespeckled man removes his glasses and wipes tears from his eyes. “I succumbed to Satan’s temptation. I was so elated that I had shepherded President Trump‘s One Big, Beautiful Bill through the House of Representatives’ approval process that I was compelled to let off a little steam. And tragically, I subjected millions of potential lives to instant death.” He breaks down sobbing. “I killed a future generation of little Mike Johnsons. Imagine what they could have done for White Christian Nationalism.”

“My Pop’s usually a very righteous and pious man,” Jack says. “But now his sinning has brought shame to our family. I will double my self-flagellation sessions on his behalf and beg for the Lord’s forgiveness.”

“The only silver lining is that because of my actions in Congress, millions of poor people will go hungry and have worse health,” Speaker Johnson says. “And the upper 5% will receive healthy tax breaks so that they will be richer. That is something I can take pride in.” He gives a twitchy smile. “I’ll be a hero at Mar-A-Lago.”

———————————————————————————————-
Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel, “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.