Although President Trump was convicted of 34 felonies for financial mismanagement, the sweaty golf cheat wants Americans to be patient with his “brilliant tariff strategy” that has cratered the stock market 10% since he took office, and lost $11 trillion in value.
“I inherited the worst economy ever,” Trump tells The Lint Screen. “Biden had America in another Great Depression, and I had to use my big brain and do something and save us.”
So, Trump devised a cockamamie tariff plan based on some numbers he pulled from his ass.
“I have tariffs on everyone except Russia because Putin likes me.” Trump says. “I’ve even put tariffs on islands where no one lives and one where only penguins live. Penguins have been ripping us off for a long, long time, and so they’re getting big tariffs. Tariffs like they’ve never seen before. Trump is finally standing up to penguin power.”
The man with a firm grip on the GOP discards any criticism of his plan that is decimating the economy.
“Anyone who doesn’t like my tariffs is a panican, a word I made up myself,” he boasts. “They don’t understand business like I do. I have a huge brain in here,” he says, pointing to his shoulder. An aide scurries to help him move his finger to point to his head. “In here,” he repeats. “Such a big brain. I’ll make everyone rich, so rich. They’re not going to believe how rich they become.”
Trump will not tolerate any criticism of his actions.
“I believe in free speech,” he proclaims. “And anyone who doesn’t agree with me will find themselves on a plane flying over the Gulf of America to a little place we call El Salvador.” He smiles. “And maybe ten years in prison will change the panican’s attitude.”
Sit tight, Americans. Boss Daddy will fix everything. ———————————————————————————————-
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