Ex-Fox News blabbermouth Pete Hegseth is riding high.

“The fake news media is after my scalp,” Secretary of Defense Hegseth tells The Lint Screen. “All because I ordered repeated drone strikes on a Venezuelan boat. They’re saying it’s a war crime to kill people without proof. Bullshit. These people were definitely narco-terrorists running fentanyl to our shores– I had to take them out. They could have swum to America and ruined our country.”

Hegseth is asked for proof of the drug smuggling operation.

“Proof is for suckers,” Hegseth snaps. “The president said they’re guilty as hell, and we can kill whoever we want and take the country’s oil as a penalty. Those are Trump rules.”

Hegseth appears unconcerned that there are Congressional investigations into his ordering death strikes on two people hanging onto the bombed remains of their boat.

“These politicians think they can score points by crucifying me,” Hegseth says, crossing his arms. “But the joke’s on them. I have the full support of President Trump, so if you want to call what I did a war crime, fine. Call me the Secretary of War Crimes. I have Oval Office air cover, and no one can touch me. I’m a made man, baby.”

Hegseth exhales and mops sweat from his forehead.

“The president always backs his people, one hundred percent,” Hegseth said, giving a thumbs up. “It’s like Hammer said, you can’t touch this.”

Hegseth dances as the Grim Reaper looks on.

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel, “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

Donald Trump is sweating orange.

The heat has been turning up on the convicted felon and sex offender who resides in a gaudy gold office, as Congress passed a resolution to release the Epstein files. The Senate then unanimously approved the measure, and now it is headed to the Oval Office for Trump’s signature.

“I don’t know if I’ll sign it or not,” Trump says. “I have a lot of paperwork to get through, and this thing sounds like it’s not that important. Who cares what some dead guy did anyway? He’s dead, let God sort it out. I’m busy cutting grocery prices. No one ever even thought about groceries until Trump; I invented the word, and now I’m saving Americans 1,200, even 1,500 percent on their groceries. No one’s ever seen anything like it.”

Trump doesn’t understand why everyone is so obsessed about the Epstein files.

“I’m completely innocent,” he says, waving his hands like a wind-up monkey. “And if my name is in the files, it’s fake. AI. It’s the same thing if there are pictures of me with young girls. I love my wife, what’s her name, very much. Any pictures of me with Epstein or young girls are phony. The Democrats did that with computers. You can do anything with computers. I invented computers, and they’re fantastic things, but they’re dangerous in the wrong hands, like the Democrats, who are out to get Trump. But I’m very innocent. Ghislaine Maxwell said so! She never lies.”

Trump begins blotting perspiration from his forehead with his ridiculously long necktie.

“Why’s it so goddamn hot in here?” he asks an aide. “Turn on the AC, stupid, before I fire you. Where’s Mike Johnson? Get that maggot in here. NOW!”

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel, “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

Pervert-in-Chief Donald Trump has been “bigly worried” about the safety of convicted sex trafficker Ghislaine Maxwell.

“She is a very wonderful person,” Trump says. “Maybe she allegedly did some not-so-nice things, but she’s paying her price to society. She was serving time in a maximum security facility. It was an awful, horrible place. Like a prison, really. So I had her transferred to much better accommodations, where she could get some decent room service, massages, and spa services.”

But that wasn’t enough to satisfy the kindhearted Trump.

“The communist Democrats continue with their ridiculous Epstein hoax,” Trump says, shaking his head in disgust. “And I’m concerned Ghislaine could experience violence. So in the interest of her safety, I’m having Secretary of War Pete Hegseth transport her to Venezuela, where she’ll be put on a fishing boat for safekeeping.”

Trump smiles. “There is no safer place on Earth than a Venezuelan fishing boat. It’s so relaxing and peaceful to be at sea down there. Ghislaine will be very, very safe from the terrible Democrats and their radical agenda of exploiting the Epstein hoax. And should something happen to her, God help the Democrats because I’ll come after them guns ablazing. I believe in justice, law, and order. You can be sure of that.”

Trump gives two thumbs up and grins like a goon.

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel, “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

Glorious Leader Donald J. Trump held a “fabulous, incredible party” to celebrate all he has accomplished since taking office on January 20th.

“I saved America,” Trump says, “so I wanted to have a little celebration. And of course, the liberal media made a big deal out of it. They have Trump derangement syndrome, and they can’t stand the incredible job I’ve done.”

Trump smiles. “Biden ruined everything. The economy was a wreck. Everyone was unemployed, inflation was going crazy, and illegals were killing pregnant mothers and babies–the country was a hellhole. Then they elected me in the biggest landslide in history. And in record time, I fixed everything. There’s no more inflation. People can’t believe how much stuff they can buy at the grocery store for a dollar. Groceries —I invented that word to describe foods like bacon, eggs, and bread. And healthcare was a mess, so I cut the cost of medicines by 1500 percent or even 1600 percent. No one’s ever seen anything like it. People love their cheap drugs. Americans are taking more drugs than ever thanks to me.”

Trump takes a deep breath. “And I solved every war in the world. After all the amazing things I’ve done, I think I deserve to let off a little steam with a Great Gatsby party. Gatsby was a great man, you know, very rich and powerful, and classy, like me. But the Democrats want to kill America, so they shut down the government and stole food from hungry children, and they want to break people with their awful Obamacare, which is the worst thing ever.”

Trump smiles again. “Wait until everyone sees the great healthcare plan I have. It’s going to be so incredible. I’m doing a fantastic, tremendous job being president–– everyone in my cabinet and at Mar-A-Lago says so. I think Americans are very lucky to have me, and they’d better start showing their appreciation, or I may have to have ICE do some not-so-nice things to them.”

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel, “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus.” It’s a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

Suspected pedophile and best pal of Jeffrey Epstein, Emperor Donald Trump, is redecorating the White House to his superlative taste.

“I got gold, lots of gold,” Trump says proudly. “Gold says class and wealth.”

Meanwhile, tomorrow, SNAP funding will be cut off thanks to the Republicans shutting down the government, and 42 million Americans will lose food assistance.

“It’s not our fault,” mousy fluffer Mike Johnson, Speaker of the House, says. “The GOP only controls the executive, legislative, and judicial branches of the government. This shutdown is all because of the evil Democrats.”

“That’s right, Mike,” Trump says. “We need our tax money for ICE and the National Guard and expensive airflghts to black sites in El Salvador. We also need money for the great people of Argentina. We’re giving them $40 billion because their president likes me. I care a lot about Argentinians. They are much more obedient than our citizens.”

When asked about the plight of hungry Americans, many of them children, the president smiles.

“Let them eat cake,” Trump says. “My portfolio has never been better. Everyone’s shoveling money my way to kiss my ass and stay in my good graces. This presidency thing is the ultimate grift. I love being in the White House. It’s good to be the king.”

“I love you, sir,” says Mike Johnson, dropping to his knee, and not in prayer.

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel, “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus.” It’s a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

The People’s House of these United States has been ruined by the inconsiderate occupant who only has a four-year lease, Donald J. Trump.

“The goddamn idiot ruined the place,” claims irate American citizen Nancy Worley of Syracuse, New York. “The White House has always been an American icon, and now this trashy huckster is bulldozing the place to build his gaudy ballroom.”

Other outraged citizens agree.

“It’s ridiculous,” said Brian Hunsford of St. Louis, Missouri. “Trump is a grifter who’ll build some garish gold monstrosity so he and his fat cat billionaire pals can eat steak and lobsters on the taxpayers’ dime. I thought the son of a bitch was supposed to lower inflation and make American lives better. Everything’s much more expensive since he became president. And now I won’t be able to afford health insurance because he gave all his rich pals tax breaks. WTF?!”

Many people are also waking up to the injustice of this administration.

“All these bastards do is enrich themselves,” Emma Tarley of Stockton, California, says. “Trump has his crypto, so anyone can bribe him secretly and get whatever they want. Look at the rogue’s gallery of scum he’s pardoned already. He has an administration of suck-ups, unqualified at every position, all working to make him a fascist leader. The man is a danger to democracy and the American way of life.”

But Trump does still have some support.

“I think the guy’s a god,” says George Santos. “I love the things he’s doing to make America great again. I’ve got no beef whatsoever. He’s the best.”

———————————————————————————————-
Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel, “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus.” It’s a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.