Pedo-Prez Donald J. Trump is sick and tired of “the lunatic free press” who pester him daily about the Epstein files.
“I’ve already told America the story’s boring,” Trump tells The Lint Screen. “This Jerry, Jim, Joe Epstein guy is someone I’ve never heard of, and since he’s already dead, it doesn’t matter what he did anyway. But these damn reporters keep asking me about him. I’m fed up with all this Epstein crap, and taking action.”
Trump has called on 1,000 National Guard troops to Washington “for protection” against inquisitive reporters.
“I’m trying to make America great again,” Trump bellyaches, “and no one appreciates how hard I’m working. I’m killing myself for the country, and this Epstein hoax is like an obnoxious fly buzzing my head. I’ve given orders that if someone bothers me about it, they are to be shot. They need to pay a price for wasting my time, and it seems like losing their life is a fair trade.”
Trump sighs heavily.
“If people don’t start giving me credit for the fantastic job I’m doing, I’ll call more National Guard,” he says, crossing his arms. “There will be blood in the streets until America thanks Trump for the incredible job he’s doing. I’m killing myself here, and I’d better start getting the praise I deserve.” He smiles wickedly. “Or else.”
Trump chuckles. “No more Mr. Nice Guy.”
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