The Lint Screen

Tag: BP

  • BP Blames Terrorist Robots

    BP today issued a formal statement charging “evil terrorist robots” for the failure to cap its Deepwater Horizon calamity. “BP is not to blame for this catastrophic oil spill,” the statement begins, “rather, we place the blame squarely on technology, specifically the robots who are supposed to fix the mess. We have repeatedly asked them…

  • Rejected BP Scripts

    Recently, BP launched an extensive media blitz to reassure Americans that it is dedicated to cleaning up the mess it has made in the Gulf of Mexico. The spokesman for the TV campaign is the company’s chief executive officer, Tony Hayward. The Lint Screen has obtained some early drafts of scripts allegedly penned by the…

  • BPTV Launches

    There was one surprising silver lining on the black oil cloud of the recent failure of BP’s “Top Kill” effort– the live camera feed of the oil leak disaster drew millions of curious viewers from around the world. The viewer response was so strong, BP has decided to launch the live camera feed as a…

  • Exxon Valdez To The Rescue!

    The idea is to take the Valdez (which now operates under the name Dong Fang Ocean) and sink it over the oil leak. When the legendary ship lands on top of the gushing oil well, the tanker will accept the oil from the oil spill into its willing and spacious hull.

  • BP Says “Whoopsie!”

    An anonymous spokesperson for BP has confessed that the gigantic oil company responsible for the catastrophic Gulf of Mexico oil spill, “was never very good at math.””Originally we thought the oil spill was only 5,000 barrels of oil a day, which is only like, what, 210,000 gallons? No biggie. But we looked again recently and…

  • BP Calms Public Hysteria Over Oil Spill

    “When one considers that our planet is two-thirds water, and the oil spilled thus far is only a couple million gallons, well, obviously it is hardly even a speck of sand on the beach, if I might mix my metaphors.”