The Lint Screen, Satire/Humor/Etc.

Tag: Ted Cruz

  • Ted Cruz Attacks His Likability Issue Head-On

    Ted Cruz Attacks His Likability Issue Head-On

    Cruz campaign breaks in Texas to seduce voters into loving the hateful prick.

    Sen. Ted Cruz is out to change public opinion!

    The despicable little cretin is upset that many people have described him as a repulsive creep devoid of any humanity with the charisma of a moldy mop soaking in a bucket of cat urine and tobacco spit.

    Enter Political POW! Marketing. The Dallas-based “brand enhancement” firm specializes in improving the images of political figures running for office.

    “Ted Cruz is a bit of a challenge,” Larry Merdle, President of PPM told The Lint Screen. “We ran some focus groups about Sen. Cruz and discovered most people choke back vomit when exposed to his picture. Many plunged Bic pens into their eyes afterward. Obviously, people know he’s an insufferable a-hole jerk, so we had our work cut out in changing public opinion.”

    The firm worked weeks on crafting a message for the marketplace, one that would shift perceptions about Cruz’s likability. The creative brief for the campaign was simple: “Convince people that vile, repugnant Ted Cruz is not as horrible as you think.”

    Here is the script of the new TV spot that aired yesterday across Texas.

    OPEN ON SHOTS OF HOUSTON, DALLAS, AUSTIN, SAN ANTONIO SKYLINES AT SUNRISE.

    ANNOUNCER: It’s morning in Texas.

    CUT TO SHOTS OF SMALL TEXAS TOWNS. A BARBER OPENING HIS SHOP, A POLICEMAN TALKING TO A WOMAN, A YOUNG CHILD RUNNING AWAY FROM A PRIEST.

    ANNOUNCER: Everyday people are doing everyday things. And life today is a little better than it was yesterday–– thanks to one man.

    CUT TO TED CRUZ SMILING.

    ANNOUNCER: Senator Ted Cruz.

    CUT TO TED CRUZ KISSING A BABY.

    ANNOUNCER: He’s a man who loves people. A man people love right back.

    CUT TO TED CRUZ PLAYING WITH A PUPPY.

    ANNOUNCER: Ted Cruz also loves animals. But not in a weird way.

    CUT TO TED CRUZ PRAYING IN CHURCH.

    ANNOUNCER: Ted also loves God–– and hates infidels. May they burn in hell in lakes of eternal fire!

    CUT TO TED CRUZ ON HIS COMPUTER LOOKING AT HIS FACEBOOK PAGE

    ANNOUNCER: No wonder Senator Ted Cruz is so popular. In fact, he has seven Facebook friends he shares his life and ‘likes’ with. Seven! Talk about being Mr. Popular!

    CUT TO TED CRUZ FINISHING TYING HIS NECKTIE LOOKING IN THE MIRROR. HIS WIFE WALKS UP AND STRAIGHTENS HIS TIE. BOTH LAUGH LOVINGLY.

    ANNOUNCER: Vote for Senator Ted Cruz. He’s not a former dope smoking punk rocker in ripped jeans with a DUI and is a socialist who despises Texas barbecue and wants to take your guns so you can’t protect your wife and children from rapists, Nancy Pelosi, or Islamic terrorists.

    CUT TO TIGHT SHOT OF TED’S SMILING FACE AND SEDUCTIVE EYES

    ANNOUNCER: Vote Cruz–– cuz he’s likable! He’s really likable!!!

    FADE TO BLACK

    Fin

    The end

  • Cruz Says Trump Quit Race

    Cruz claims to have the wardrobe America needs.
    Cruz claims to have the wardrobe America needs.

    A jubilant Ted Cruz told a packed auditorium in Manchester, New Hampshire that his main rival in Tuesday’s primary, Donald J. Trump, had dropped out of the race.

    “The Donald has quit the presidential race because that’s what quitters do–– they quit,” said a smiling Cruz.”Let’s face it, Trump’s a born loser. And Rubio, Carson, Christie, and Bush, they’ve all pulled the plug on their campaigns because they said their clothes were getting dirty and smelling funky, so they all ran home to be close to their closets and their dry cleaners. What babies–– they’re all weak!”

    The crowd cheered at the news of a narrowing field. Candidate Cruz continued. “Americans deserves a president who has a vast wardrobe of blue and gray suits and isn’t afraid to overpack. America deserves Ted Cruz!”

  • Michelle Obama Possibly Cheated Oscars, Cruz Claims

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    Feisty freshman Texas Senator Ted Cruz has accused First Lady Michelle Obama of “possibly cheating the world out of the legitimate winner of the Oscar for Best Picture, Lincoln by instead naming Argo as the winning film.”

    Cruz noted that because the First Lady read the winner’s name from a sealed envelope, “who knows what was really printed on the card as the Oscar-winning film? She could have said anything, and what she did say was that a film that glamorized the failed presidency of liberal Democrat Jimmy Carter beat out a glorious film about the presidency of the first Republican, Abraham Lincoln.”

    Cruz snapped the neck of a squirrel and continued his tirade. “Obviously, this cheating would be another attempt by her husband’s administration to deflect attention away from what really happened in Benghazi, and the fact that Chuck Hagel may keep ‘I Hate Israel’ signs in his basement, hidden behind his possible enormous collection of Nazi artifacts. I and the American public want to know the truth about what really happened last night at the Oscars, in Benghazi, in Hagel’s basement and in that Kenyan hospital where her husband may have been born!”

    The White House refused calls from The Lint Screen, then again, most houses do the same.