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TSA To Offer Premium Security Services
Lundersome explained that all major airports will have security stations offering the “Personal Pat-Pat”, a 15-minute premium inspection with a $46 price tag that includes a warm massage table, hot oil, incense, low lighting and smooth Kenny G. or Yanni music.
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Goodbye, Cruel World!
At 6 P.M. Eastern Standard Time today, the Rapture will arrive. Those of us who have led a good life of righteousness and obedience to Harold Camping will be whisked up to Heaven for our eternal rewards, while the rest of you are left behind and subjected to five months of God’s pranks–– earthquakes, hurricanes,…
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Outrage Over New TSA “Extra Security Candid Photos”
The American air-traveling public was upset enough over enhanced TSA pat-down checks and body scans, but now its ire is on full boil with new ‘extra security candid photos’ being enacted in airports nationwide. Select travelers are taken into a private security areas where they are asked to disrobe, and in some cases wear revealing…
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TSA Wants Underwear
In response to the recent attempt by Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab to blow up an aircraft with explosives he had concealed in his underwear, the TSA has announced new security regulations that include the removal of underwear and shoes before going through airport X-ray machines.
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Getting Hipper (Pt. 19)
While I thought I had pulled the plug on my total hip replacement series, some people have asked for an update. They are either curious, or taking some sick pleasure in my pain. Either way, I’m happy to oblige.
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Monkey Terror Alert
Some people claim I have a weird obsessive vendetta against monkeys and chimps, as if I felt inferior to these hairy beasts because they can climb trees and fling poo better than I can (sure, they might have me on accuracy, but I think I can take them on distance). Look, I’ve…